Nightmares in Travel: United Airlines, Get some New Planes...

It's a Monday morning after a long weekend for me. I had a good time in Las Vegas but it's hard not to have one, especially when you get to see Green Day in concert and they were, as always, fantastic.

Yet, naturally, no trip is perfect and, given my previous grievances against the airlines and my previous travel issues , I guess it was too much to hope that I'd have a smooth trip back, isn't it?

When I booked my trip to Las Vegas, I paid a much, much higher price than I wanted to because there weren't many options. I did end up paying more so that I could leave early in the morning and get home mid-afternoon so that I could have a restful Sunday before I returned to work today.

I should have known better.

On Saturday night, my friend and I decided that there really wasn't too much point in going to bed as I had to be at the airport by 4 a.m. at which point, she could go to the hotel to sleep and I could get on the plane and sleep. So, we unwisely decided to just enjoy the ridiculous lights of Vegas and have fun. We did. By the time I got to the airport, I was tired and ready to sleep on the plane.

When I went to one of the computer check-in stations, I was informed that it would not provide my boarding pass. I had to go to the gate to get it. I wasn't sure why, considering I had booked and paid a lot for my ticket. I do understand when you do one of the super-cheap ticket-buying methods that the airline basically waits to assign a seat when it finds out what's available and this can happen after you've checked in. Yet it shouldn't be the case with regular ticket-buying methods.

Naturally, not having a boarding pass made security a little difficult considering they want to see the boarding pass. I ended up having to dig out my printed itinerary and show them my next flight's ticket- the Chicago to Dayton one. When I showed the TCA man this ticket, he gave me a funny look and said, "You're at the wrong airport" even though I had clearly shown him my itinerary. Finally, he said: "Ok, I'll let you go but you need a boarding pass." Yes, Mr. TCA, thank you for that enlightening piece of information. I tried to smile politely and not be rude because, after all, how was he to know this wasn't my first flight and that I might not know I need a boarding pass to get on a plane?

When I got to the gate, I had to wait for a ticket agent to appear. I waited a while. Finally, one came and I got up to retrieve my boarding pass. She asked my name, glanced at a piece of paper, and literally sniffed at me. "Sit down," she said. "I'll call you in a minute." She immediately turned to her co-ticket-desk-helper and started chatting. I did what I was told. Finally, after about 20 minutes, I was given a boarding pass.

Boarding actually was easy. I got on my plane. I dozed off immediately. I woke up a little while later to realize we weren't moving. We weren't flying. We were just sitting. We sat for a long time more before the pilot drove us back to the gate. We sat there a while. The plane was, apparently, having some kind of technical problem and they had to wait for a part. We waited. Finally, they made us get off the plane.

I was still tired. Yet, like so many other people, I was also a little concerned about my connecting flight and we were all directed to talk to the ticket agent. So, like a good passenger, I got in line even though I really wanted to go to the toilet and I was thirsty. Also, I was only semi-functional, due to sleep deprivation. I waited in line for almost an hour. Literally, as I got to the desk, they announced we were going to re-board again. Yay. So I asked the ticket counter lady where I'd been rebooked so I knew how much time I had once I got to Chicago before my next plane took off. Here's how the conversation went.

Captain Monkeypants: I know we're ready to board but I've been waiting in line. Can you at least tell me when my new connecting flight leaves.
United Airlines Lady: We're ready to board.
Captain Monkeypants: I know but I just waited in this line and I'd like to know.
United Airlines Lady: Sorry, but we're going to board you know.
Captain Monkeypants: So how do we know what's going on in Chicago?

At which point she promptly turned away from me and picked up the microphone thingy and made an announcement that the Chicago United Ticket Desk would help us. There was some irritated stirrings at that. It was quite obvious that this Las Vegas crew was done with us and they were passing the buck and basically telling us to get on the plane and shut up. When I asked again, she announced: "You can look at the monitors in Chicago or talk to a ticket agent to find out when your new connection leaves."

Congratulations, United. That has to be the laziest, most unenthusiastic way of helping your customers I've ever seen. Well done, Las Vegas staff. It's nice to know when things get rough, you pass the responsibility along and ignore us.

Meanwhile, I had to run to the bathroom and sprint back so I could get back on the plane because I'd spent my entire furlough in the airport waiting in a line for no reason.

When we got on the plane again, I was a little less exhausted than before and so I noticed things. When I had attempted to print my boarding pass, I had been asked if I wanted to upgrade to "Economy Plus" with more leg room. I didn't bother because it would have cost me an additional $49. I had fallen asleep the first time I boarded and woken up stiff. When I sat in my seat this time, I realized that in order to shove my backpack under the seat, I literally had to press my head against the seat in front of me because I seriously had just over a foot between me and that seat and that was the only way to get things out from under the seat and put them back again. It seems that United has decided to take away the normal amount of leg room and make it smaller to force people to upgrade if the space is too cramped.

I say this is crap. It's not fair. For the cost of the tickets, the baggage fees, the in-flight food, you'd think you'd at least get a seat where you could stretch your legs without your knees bumping the tray table. But nope. It had to be the most uncomfortable seat I ever had. The thing that worries me is now that they're charging you to be semi-comfortable, are they going to start charging to make it comfortable at all? I mean, what's next, they charge you for the cushions on the seats? Or is it going to be that you have to pay extra to sit at all- otherwise you have to stand up, get strapped to the sides and hold on for dear life. Of course, there's always the option of building planes that have seats like the flight-attendants use for landing/take-off, those hard plastic ones that lower and raise like a tray-table. I bet those are next.

We finally did take off. I discovered when I got to Chicago that I had been rebooked but I wasn't going to get home at the nice 2:30 p.m. time I had intended and scheduled. Instead, i was going to land about 6 p.m. I wasn't happy but it wasn't too late and I could deal with that.

Of course, that's before I sat down at my supposed gate only to find out they'd moved me. I trundled across the airport to sit at the new gate. I was on the phone to Mummy-Monkeypants when I heard the pilot come down from the loading bridge and mumble to the Ticket Desk Man. I heard the word "Maintenance" and my heart sank. I predicted a delay to Mummy-Monkeypants who was a saint throughout the day by listening to my United Airlines targeted rants.

Sure enough, we didn't board when we supposed to. This time, the ticket agent was actually nice about it though, perhaps, a little too cheerful. He had this huge grin the entire time. I'm glad he was happy. Apparently, our plane was broken and needed a new part. My first thought: "Um, United Airlines? What the hell is wrong with you that your planes are all broken?" We were told to hold tight.

This began Ticket Agent Man's first disappearance down the loading ramp where he disappeared. Meanwhile, a line had formed at the desk, awaiting his return. Twenty minutes later, he resurfaced. No news. We waited. And waited. Ticket Agent Man finally put an official delay on the screen. Meanwhile, he called a specific passenger to the desk and told him that his connection was getting tight. I thought this was really nice of them. At first. Ticket Agent Man decided to put this passenger on a direct flight to his final destination instead of him having to connect in Dayton with the rest of us cattle. That was nice. Except this marked disappearance number two of Ticket Agent Man. He had to figure out how to get this passenger's bags from our plane to his new one. It took him almost 20 minutes again to resurface. Meanwhile, we'd had no updates, we had no idea what was going on.

Finally, he reemerged and dealt with the passenger whose flight needed to be rebooked. This took an additional 15 minutes. While I think it's nice that he was so helpful to this passenger, the rest of us were getting frustrated because Ticket Agent Man was our only contact and he was ignoring the rest of us. The rebooked passenger left. Ticket Agent Man disappeared. Again.

He reemerged afted 10 minutes. It turned out they'd found the part for the plane! Hurrah! Except...they didn't know where the mechanic was. Which essentially told us nothing other than the fact that we still weren't going anywhere. While an update was necessary, methinks that Ticket Agent Man telling us that they were clueless as to what was really happening does NOT look good for United Airlines.

Finally, the part and the mechanic arrived. We knew this because Ticket Agent Man disappeared to go check. He came back 10 minutes later, still smiling. It would take ten minutes to fix! We'd board in about six minutes!

Twenty minutes later, we began to board. I landed at 7:40 p.m. I got home at almost 9 p.m.

Needless to say, I am still irked about the whole trip. It just seems that it's impossible to get from point A to point B anymore without this constant kind of problems. We, as passengers, have no say in what happens, we are left at the mercy of the airlines. They treat us rudely, as though it's our fault the plane is broken and refuse to help us. They take no responsibility. They expect people to have flexible time frames that will allow for delays and cancellations.

I understand that things happen, things out of the airlines' control. Yet it seems to be happening more and more. We're letting the airlines walk all over us. They're raising their prices, charging for EVERYTHING and treating us worse and worse.

I think we need Consumer Advocates on every flight. Someone designated to stand up for the economy passengers, the ones who don't get treated like royalty because we don't travel for business. We need someone to put the airlines to task, to make them answer for the fact that they cannot do their jobs properly. It's never anyone's fault, it seems. It's just the nature of airline travel.

But why is it the nature? Why do we get jerked around with little say while the airlines still make money? Why do their planes break just as you're about to take off. Shouldn't they, you know, CHECK THAT BEFORE WE GET ON THE PLANE??? Call me crazy but, really, shouldn't they check that before they have a gateload of passengers ready to board? I know they 'can't help it' but why is it that so many planes are experiencing mechanical failure? I know the economy sucks and airlines are fighting to make a profit but I can't help but think they might not be using their budgets wisely. I know they have to pay a lot more for fuel these days but so do we drivers. We manage. We budget for that. We also know to get our cars serviced when we can so they don't have mechanical 'failure' on a regular basis.

Here's a tip, United. Your planes seem prone to 'mechanical problems, so it seems like you should be used to getting them fixed. How's about you keep parts AT THE AIRPORTS instead of having them brought in from, I don't know, DOWNTOWN CHICAGO????

Sorry, I'm ranting now. I'm just fed up with airlines and the power they hold over us. They know we need them and they're exploiting us, slowly taking away our dignity and freedom so we're trapped in the little metal capsules, our knees up to our ears, debating on if we should pay $4 for a cookie because our stomach was growling and we didn't get time to eat because our connection was so tight we had to sprint.

Something needs to change. I'm not going to be flying for a while. I need a break. I shall be complaining to United. I expect nothing in return but it'll make me feel better. In the meantime, as passengers, we need to stand up and fight for our dignity. I intend to find a way to do it. I urge you to do it too. I may be just a little voice on a little blog but everything starts somewhere.

Happy Monday.

Why I Hate Flying by Captain Monkeypants

Firstly, I must apologize for the lack of blog on Friday. I didn't get a chance to post, unfortunately. However, I am back today after a bit of a crazy weekend. You see, I very recently decided to take a trip to L.A. For a weekend. At the time it seemed like a great idea. On paper, it seems so smart, fly in early Friday morning, fly out Sunday- plenty of time to hang out with friends. I'd also get to see "Rent" which is one of my all-time favourite musicals.

Except things never really turn out as planned, do they?

So, it started with the trip to the airport. I have a GPS that is sometimes possess by what sounds like the voice of satan. I'm not the only one who has heard this voice now. My poor mother was in the car a few weeks ago and we were driving in my car. I hadn't needed to enlist the aid of GPS because I knew where I was going. That didn't stop my GPS from interjecting with a rather scary sounding "BLEEUGH!" in the middle of a conversation between my mother. It sounded like "BLEEUGH!" anyway. For all I know, it could have been my GPS saying "I'm going to kill you and eat you." Who knows? It made my mother jump a little, that's for sure.

Anyway, so I asked my GPS to take me to the Cincinnati airport. Stupidly, I think I must have hit the "shortest distance" option rather than the "fastest route" option. I ended up going through all sorts of scary Kentucky woods, up hills that were almost vertical and being scared to death I was going to tumble down a ravine. That was a little alarming. By the time I got to the airport, I made a vow to always choose "fastest route" on my GPS because I don't like wondering if I'm going to end up murdered by a chainsaw in some backwards of Kentucky merely because I thought seeing "Rent" in L.A. with two of the original cast members was a good idea.

That should have been the first sign that the trip was not going to be smooth. Then my flight from Cincinnati was late leaving. Ok...as long as I landed with enough time to make my next flight. Except when we got to Minneapolis where I was supposed to hop on my connecting flight, we ended up circling the airport for at least 30 minutes. By the time we landed, my next plane was literally supposed to be taking off.

Here's where I add a strongly worded editorial note to Northwest Airlines and Delta.

Dear Delta and Northwest Airlines,

Congratulations on merging. I think that's lovely. One slight problem I have though: I booked a flight on Delta. You put me on one Delta Flight and one Northwest. You would not let me check in online because your computer said they were two different airlines. Also, because both of you are housed in completely different terminals at most of the airports, it makes getting from one flight to another virtually impossible. Also...at this moment in time, I despise both of your airlines. A lot. Please make sure I get my frequent flier miles.

Sincerely,

Captain Monkeypants.

Yes. I landed in Minnesota with the promise from Delta that there'd be carts standing by to take those of us with tight connections to our gates. There were no carts. None. I discovered my gate was seriously about a mile away. Picture an airport with a hub, each one having little sun-like rays coming off it. Now picture a gate at the end of one of those rays and the gate that would be opposite on the other side of the hub. Now try running from the first gate to the second gate with luggage. Yes, that was me. It was a very, very long run. I had heavy luggage. All I can say is thank goodness I've been working out. I was a big old wheezing, sweaty mess by the time I got to my second gate. They were about to close the door. I made it. Of course, I discovered my row had assumed I wasn't coming so the middle seat person and window person had shuffled. Middle-seat-lady had wanted to sit by the window. She was a big lady. It took a while for her to get to the aisle so the real window-seat-person could take his actual seat instead of mine. Middle-Seat-Lady was very angry at me and muttered in Spanish. I don't speak much Spanish. I think I was glad then. She spent the entire flight accidentally elbowing me as she tried to get comfortable. She had an enormous blanket that kept creeping into my space. I'm not usually mean but she was a big lady and she leaked a into my space rather a lot already. I ignored her and tried to sleep. It didn't work but at least I tried.

Of course, somewhere between Middle-Seat-Lady's 'tsk-ing' and me actually getting my breath back, I realized I'd lost my phone. Yes, my lovely little Verizon Chocolate phone had fallen out of my pocket somewhere between my bolting from one plane, dashing through the airport and making it to my second flight. This was my fault and pure stupidity. You see, Delta gives you these tasty Biscoff cookies. They quite a large packet and, if you're a little punchy and tired from flying and taking the scary way to the airport, they have about the same size and shape as an LG Chocolate phone. I was wearing a sweatshirt with a big pocket in the front. I put the cookies in this pocket because though I didn't want to eat them, I wanted to save them for later. During my mad dash to the second gate, I patted this pocket and thought those cookies were my phone. So I kept running, got on my flight and pulled out my 'phone' to text my friend who was picking me up from the airport.

Have you ever tried to text on a package of Biscoff cookies? Yeah, not easy. In fact, sadly, not possible.

It was then that I realized I had been prematurely parted from my Chocolate phone. I loved that phone. I knew I could attempt to track it down but given that Delta and I have rarely had a smooth flying experience together, I doubted that I'd get it back.

Thus, my first morning in L.A. was spent talking Verizon into letting me renew my contract a little early. Verizon does not like to do this. Fortunately, I managed to convince them that while I did, indeed, have one month left on my current contract it was only a month and wouldn't they rather lose a month of my contract that have me leave them for another phone company? They agreed. I now have a Blackberry Curve. I refuse to allow it to become a 'Crack'berry. I've seen 'Crack'berry addicts. While they have the world of the internet at their fingertips, they seem to forget that there's actual life going on around them and that sometimes, you just have to ignore the beeps and glow of the Blackberry's little red light that indicates yet another message is waiting. I am working on fighting this urge to check my new phone. It doesn't help that it no longer seperates my text messages from my emails and so whenever any type of message comes in, it alerts me. I think I need to figure out how to seperate the notifications. At the moment, it's got a lot of shiny icons and i don't really know what they do.

Once I had the phone, I felt better. I didn't have my address book which made it hard because I would have liked to have called a friend in L.A. to say hi but I didn't get a chance. However, the weekend was a whirlwind anyway. So many people, so little time. It was fun but I can safely say that next time, I need more time to not only recover from my rather horrid flying experience but to actually stop and have a vacation.

I will say that it was nice to see my old friends and haunts again, even briefly. Seeing "Rent" was nothing short of amazing. It's been a show I have loved for years but, I confess, as I grew older, I was a little worried I was losing touch with it and I wondered, just a little, why they didn't just pay their damn rent instead of singing about it. However, this production reminded me that "There's No Day but Today", the theme of the show. Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp were unbelievable. It felt historic seeing those two 'legends of Rent' perform their roles as though they were brand new to them.

I did get to eat all the food I miss from Ohio: Vietnamese pho, Zankou chicken with taboule and hummus, and Filipeno palabok and chicken. Aside from my friends and my West Coast 'family', the food is probably what I miss most. Sad but true.

Naturally, flying home didn't prove to be easy. My first plane tried to land during a thunderstorm. I watch too much Lost on TV. I half expected a sudden flash of light and then finding myself stranded on a desert island. I like that outcome more than crashing to my doom, splintered into a hundred pieces on the ground. That flight was horribly bumpy and a bit hairy for a few minutes. The second flight got stuck because of a computer issue. We were almost an hour and a half late taking off. Thus, I arrived at my apartment at 1 a.m.

Lessons learned from this trip:

1) Biscoff cookies do not make good cell phones

2) Always sit at the front of the plane so that you don't have to run people over when trying to get off to make your next flight.

3) Travelling to a place that has a three-hour time difference during Daylight Savings weekend makes it really, really hard to get up for work on a Monday morning.

4) Wear tennis shoes to travel so that running is a little easier.

I'm sure there are more lessons there but this blog is already long enough for one day. Of course, I just realized that I left my stupid Blackberry at home but, at least I know where it is this time. I think.

Happy Monday.