Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Rambo Squirrels and Evil GPS Units...

It's the midpoint of the work week and after today, the weekend starts feeling nearer, almost like it's here. I think it's Yard Sale Day in my neighbourhood on Saturday so I'm hoping that I can wander and score some bargains. As far as I know, it's not supposed to rain so it'll be a good day for it.

Then again, our faithfully-wrong weatherman said we weren't supposed to have any rain until Sunday, that we'd remain dry-as-a-bone until at least then yet...I can't help but think that wet stuff that was falling on my car from the clouds above as I drove to work this morning might have been...rain. And the road was soaked so it wasn't just a few drops, it was a brief downpour.

Ah well, must have been one of those freak 'impulses of rain'. Of course, it is rather cloudy today so we might have further impulses of rain. I wouldn't actually mind. Not only would it mean that I wouldn't have to water my plants tonight but it would also put a damper on the fact that I plan to mow. (Get it, rain would be a damper on the fact? Sometimes I just crack myself up with my hilarious humour. And, um, yes, that is sarcasm. Mostly)

I've been avoiding mowing not only because I don't want to mow but also because I've been waiting for the neighbours to go out. If they go out, they won't be tempted to let the Yapper out into the garden. I suspect that the reason they do seem to let the dog out every time I'm there is because the stupid dog is barking in the house and they can't stand it. Thus, they let it bark. At me.

Last night, I was taking a bath and finishing a book and I heard that dog barking. It barked for, literally, a good 15 minutes. It was getting on to be 9 p.m. I heard them yelling at the dog to be quiet but, naturally, it did not listen. Naturally, they did not take the dog inside. They just let it bark. I secretly hoped that Nutley 2.0 was staging a coup and trying to conquer the dogs. I can just see him standing them down. I picture him wearing a Rambo headband and carrying a man-purse like Jack Bauer. He'd hold the dogs at bay until they stopped and stared at him and then, slowly, he'd do that thing like Neo does in the Matrix where he holds his arm out and slowly beckons with all his fingers making the universal gesture for "Bring it on, bitches!"

Yes, I realize that squirrels do not have fingers nor, really, arms. However, you've never met Nutley 2.0. He is no ordinary squirrel.

I'd like to say Nutley 2.0 is evil. However, I can't say that; it's not fair. Don't get me wrong, when he eats my tomatoes and roses, he borders on evil but he doesn't have demon devil eyes, at least not that I've seen.

On the other hand, I'm becoming more and more convinced that my GPS is evil. I've mentioned before that it does occasionally channel Satan. While I haven't heard Satan speak for a while, I think he's taken control of the navigation. No longer can I go from point A to point B directly. Instead, there are many occasions where Satan likes to go around in circles. I still haven't figured out why.

Take, for example, my recent request for my GPS to guide me to a gas station. The closest one was just a little back from where I'd just passed. Rather than have me make a 'legal u-turn' as she used to do and rather than have me turn in a way favourable to getting me there quickly, GPS Lady had me make a rather large circle around the countryside until she dropped me back onto the exact same highway and practically the same location from which she'd begun the circle. Upon the way, she also wanted me onto "Unnamed Road" which turned out to be the entrance to a cemetery.

I hope she wasn't trying to tell me something. It's not the first time she's tried to do that.

There have been other instances, occasions where she's had me make three right turns in a row. Three right turns equals, you've guessed it, a circle. One time, it was around a shopping centre. I can't help but think she wanted to scope it out in case she wanted to go back there. She'd probably do it too; I'd tell her to take me somewhere else in that general direction and then, suddenly, I'd find myself at the shopping plaza.

You're probably wondering why I don't just ignore her. The problem lies in the fact that I usually only ask her for navigation when I don't know an area thus, I need her. I think she knows that. I think she exploits that. I'm the trusting fool and she has me in her power.

I suppose I could get a new GPS. I suppose I could be nicer to her too. I do have a tendency to shout at her and treat the GPS lady like she's actually in my car. I have visualized a future in which GPS units take the form of holographic people who sit with you in the car and calmly guide you there. I'm secretly hoping for this development. It would be rather nice to smack a GPS around the head when she misguides me. Except she currently doesn't have a head and if I were to smack her, I'd end up hitting buttons and, who knows, that might bring out Satan again. At least a hologram would look like it had a head.

I sound rather violent and, generally, I'm not a very violent person. Yet that GPS lady can rile me up worse than most things do.

Except maybe Nutley 2.0.

Perhaps I ought to stop assigning personalities to animals and inanimate objects.

But where's the fun in that?

Happy Wednesday

(By the way, you'll notice I tried to not blog about animal heads today. Although a holographic GPS head is...still a head. Note to self: Stop blogging about heads.)

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