My Somewhat Ridiculous and Really Not Practical Christmas Wishlist

1. I would like my dogs to be able to understand that they cannot climb trees and no matter how hard they try, they will never be able to follow a squirrel up one.

2. I would like Kim Kardashian to go away. I don’t even know what she’s famous for but she’s certainly in a lot of headlines.


3. Re: #2, I would like celebrities and people of influence to realize that marriage is not just something for publicity. It actually is supposed to mean a lot and it does to most people. Kim Kardashian’s ridiculous wedding could have probably covered the salaries of several out-of-work people in this bad economy and it didn’t even last three months.


4. I would like Ryan Gosling to do the lift from “Dirty Dancing” with me. Shirtless. If you don’t know what I mean, watch “Crazy, Stupid Love.” You’ll get it. Maybe. And if not, I’m sorry but you’re weird or…not into Ryan Gosling which is perfectly fine.


5. I would like “Glee” to be good. I watch it and I don’t know why at this point. It’s over-the-top, irritating and for no reason whatsoever, Lea Michele really bugs me. There’s an easy solution, I know…stop watching. I just…can’t…not yet.


6. I would like the Twilight phenomenon to go away now. I sort of get it. It’s just…not that good and it’s gone on too long. Also, Breaking Dawn did not need to be two parts- it’s about a vampire and human who get married, get pregnant their first time in having sex, have a grisly birth scene and have a werewolf fall in love with their baby. Oh, and there’s some kind of standoff between vampires that ends up fizzling out into nothing more than a conversation. It’s not Harry Potter by any means- one part would have been just fine.


7. I would like my dogs to pick up their own toys and vacuum the floor. Also, it’d be nice if they could make me a cup of tea when I get home from work.


8. I would to know why sometimes I have the urge to climb over the stall door when I go to the bathroom at work. It’s a peculiar urge I have and I don’t know why.


9. I would still like someone to invent a three slice toaster preferably in a triangular design. I’m not scientific/engineering-y enough. However, sometimes, two slices is too little and four slices is too much. I suppose I could just get a four slice one and not use the last slot but a triangular one would just be niftier.


10. I’d like to be able to shoot water out of my finger. I know this is strange but wouldn’t it be fun to point and squirt sometime? This is not my desired superpower but it’d be fun. If I could have my desired superpower, I’d like to be able to heal people with my mind.


11. I would like to teleport. This way I’d never have to go to the airport again and pay ridiculous fees and charges.


12. Speaking of #11- I would like airline travel to become fun again. It was once. I even remember it. I miss the days of free Toblerones, free wine and politeness from the airline staff. Also, I miss the days were you didn’t have to check your bank balance before you got on a plane in case you got hungry.


13. I’d like to be able to perform telekinesis. It would make being lazy much easier.


14. I’d like to know what my dogs are thinking. Just my dogs though. I don’t want to know what people are thinking. That’d be scary and make things a little too complicated. And I don’t want to know what other animals are thinking because then I might have to become a vegetarian and we can’t have that.


15. I’d like to know why the “Happy Feet” movie gives me a feeling of distaste. It’s a movie about penguins! Yet something about it just gives me a slight case of the creeps.


16. I’d like wine to have no calories.


17. I’d like cheese to have no calories or fat.


18. I’d like butter to have no calories or fat.


19. I’d like Mario Batali to cook me dinner with the cheese that has no calories or fat, with plenty of calorie and fat-free butter with a nice bottle of no-calorie wine.


20. I’d like to solve everyone’s problems and make the world happy.


21. I’d like to know why rotting potatoes smell so much worse than rotting lemons.


22. I’d like “Veronica Mars,” “Gilmore Girls” and “Buffy” to come back on the air with new episodes.


23. I’d like it to snow without making the roads scary.


24. I’d like to buy the world a Coke but have it be a Mexican Coke with real sugar rather than corn syrup. And by Mexican Coke, I mean the tasty beverage that is Coca-Cola. Just in case there’s any confusion.


25. I’d like world peace because, well, this is a wish list and doesn’t everyone wish for world peace? Besides, I’ve never understood why people like to shoot each other and blow each other up. This is why I don’t understand boxing. Why do people want to watch people punch each other in the face? Yes, world peace would be very sensible.



I think that’s it for now.

By the way, this is intended to be silly and not an expression of greed in any way shape or form. Also, I tried to stay away from anything too personal or political. That’s my disclaimer.

Thanks for reading- Happy Wednesday!