Wednesday, February 25, 2009

In Which I Truly Examine the Contents of my Email Inbox...

Today is one of those days where I have nothing in my mind about which to blog. Which means this will be one of my more random posts. My profuse apologies.

I had in mind that I was going to blog about books but, instead, I think that my email inbox might be able to provide a little more entertainment. I do think, based on the emails that arrived in my box overnight, my life could become significantly more interesting.

For example, I have several emails telling me that I can "Legally Erase My Debt!" I think that would be rather spiffy, actually. Like most thirty-somethings, I have some debt. Unfortunately, mine is still from my undergrad college. When I took out my loans, they promised me that I'd be done paying them off in ten years. Unfortunately, more than ten years later and I still have rather a lot to pay off even though I've never missed a payment. Interest is a horrible thing. This, I have learned. However, if I learn to legally erase my debt, perhaps I can pass it along to Obama and he can use it on a grander scale. You never quite know. But then, a little further down in my inbox, I have an email telling me to 'consolidate my debt'. Yes, but I'm going to Legally Erase My Debt! Why would I want to consolidate it? Some of these emails are awfully contradicting.

I also had an email asking if I was "Job Less". Yes, not jobless but Job Less. I'm wondering if they're asking if my job is less than it used to be, perhaps I've been downsized and I'm looking for more responsibility. Personally, I don't think that's going to catch on because most people are always looking for less job responsibility with more money. Fortunately, if I feel like I am Job Less, I can earn $1680 weekly TipingAt Home. I'm thinking they might need new typers actually because the ones they have don't seem to be able to spell typing nor use the space bar.

I think I was most excited when I saw an email from "Mrs. Susan Shabagu". Now, I have no idea who Mrs. Susan Shabagu is but she sounds rather interesting, someone who could become Jack Bauer's nemesis on 24. Because I was so intrigued, I actually opened her email. (Never fear, I'm the queen of virus protection). How intriguing! Mrs. Shabagu is the deputy of safety and security under the auspices of the president of South Africa! She's also a mother of three which she tells me before she tells me her title. What a consciencious mother! She even consulted them before contacting me! Hey, she wants to pay me $6,100,000,000 to look after her money. WOW! MY PROBLEMS ARE SOLVED. I'm going to be rich!

I suppose it is a little suspicious that she has to get the money out of South Africa so quickly. I mean, isn't she the Deputy Minister of Safety and Security? She seems to be afraid that if the money is discovered all of her assets will be seized and her life will be in danger. Seems to me she should have some pull with the government there. Of course, maybe I should just trust her. She gave me her email address and everything. Of course, she didn't say why she picked me to save her money. I mean, I know I should just be thrilled that I'm going to be $6 million richer but I must know, why did she choose me? I couldn't even get any one to pick me for dodgeball teams in high school and now this nice lady, mother of three, wants to give me $6 million?

I think I might have to pass on that one. I'm just a little too....suspicious, I'm afraid. Not that I couldn't use $6 million but...well....not for me.

The contents of my email box are a little alarming. I also have one that says SHAMWOW! I must admit, I'm intrigued at what to what my SHAMWOW is referring but I'm not going to open that one. I think I might start using that as my new catchphrase. "SHAMWOW, will you look at the size of that building!" "SHAMWOW! someone wants to give me six million dollars!".

I could go on all day. I have my junk mail filters set up and this is still what I get on a daily basis. I'm not even including all the miracle weight loss drugs that Oprah apparently is recommending, the free plasma TVs I'm being offered and the sheer volume of gift cards I could be getting just for completing short surveys. What I want to know is does anyone actually respond to these emails? Are people actually getting paid to send them? Aside from entertainment value, I can't imagine anyone wanting to read this junk. It's like getting those credit card offers in the mail. Even though they're meant to be enticing with their "Special offer, just for you!" smarm, I still tear them in half and dump them in the bin.

I do like to occasionally check some of the phishing emails though. I'm always amazed at how clever the phishers can be, particularly the ones asking for my Paypal information. They're always false but I do enjoy seeing how authentic the dummy 'password entry' site can look. These are the emails that are scary because they seem to be from a trustworthy source. There are far less suspicious people out there than me who might think that Paypal really does need to validate their banking source or they need to enter their social security number because 'their credit report had been updated'. Those are the bad spammers, the ones with ill intent. While I resent the male erectile dysfunction drugs taking up my inbox, they are mostly harmless. The Susan Shabagu's of the word are a little more malicious, preying on vulnerable people who really do believe in the kindness of strangers.

Still, on a daily basis, all of these emails pour in, mostly to my junkbox. Yet still they come, soiling the internet like litter that needs to be cleaned up and shouldn't have been there in the first place. No matter how much I ignore them, still they come. It's my fault- for every box in which I enter my email address, there's a little army of spies, watching, stealing the list, using it to try too sell me Acai miracle cures, As Seen on TV Snuggie blankets, ways to lose 10 pounds overnight. I'd love to believe in these things because a world in which it was easy to legally erase debt, lose ten pounds overnight and look ten years younger at the same time would be a fun world indeed. Sometimes, it's tough to be a cynic.

Thanks for reading. Happy Wednesday.


Samantha Elliott said...

Mrs. Susan Shabagu told me she had 2 kids! If she lied about that... I'm starting to wonder if she really is the Deputy Minister of Safety and Security.

Then again, her life (and the lives of her two, or three, kids) may be in danger.


Anonymous said...

I think Jack Bauer would hunt down Mrs. Shabagu and torture her to find out how many kids she had, preferably with a hacksaw. Then he'd uncover a conspiracy that went all the way back to the White House and discover this is an inside government plot to stimulate our economy....just a guess, of course...