Stepping off the Ladder

Since I've talked so much about the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award already, it seems fitting to live blog about the fact that I just discovered I did not make the semi-finals.

I'm disappointed. That's the truth.

I'm trying to see the positive. I made it to the Top 500. I'm going to get a review from Publisher's Weekly to find out what was wrong with my novel that I didn't move on.

That's also a negative. It means I have to face the truth that I am not yet a Great Writer and that I did something wrong.

I did get further than ever before and so I'm going to try to push onward and not look at existing novels and my current project as unpublishable but, rather, as something that can be finely tuned so I can make it the best I can do. I'm also bound and determined not to be bitter about the entries that did make it. I already mentioned that next year, I hope Amazon makes a rule that finalists who make it to the top three not be allowed to enter the same work the following year. That's a space in the contest for someone who has never had the chance to get a little bit of hope, even if they just make it to the Top 500, like I did.

That's all I'll say about that. It's my one bit of creeping bitterness that someone who had a shot is getting the exact same chance again even though it obviously wasn't fruitful last time. I don't blame Amazon, I actually blame the author for not having the grace to step aside. Yet, I wonder, would I do it? It's hard to say. I'm not in the position so maybe it's easy to say...harder to do.

Otherwise, I'm going to try to be a noble loser. I'll stop whining and try to keep writing without thinking, "I'm not good enough." I got to stand on the ladder for a month, look up at the open skies of success and have the possibility and hope lay before me that perhaps this was finally it, I could finally stop beating my head against a wall and I could have my shot.

I'm stepping off the ladder. For now. I'll be back. Thank you, everyone, for your kind words of support, consolation and friendship. You make me feel like a champion even if I'm not holding the prize.

Thanks for reading.