Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Sometimes, You Just Need a Good Rant...

Today is one of those days in which I'm feeling rather fierce. I don't quite know why other than there are some days where I just wake up feeling that way. It's the type of day where I don't let any other driver on the road get away with behaving badly. If they cut me off, I will yell at them. If they get on my tail, I will slow down.

It's also the kind of day where I just feel slightly cantankerous about things, stupid little things that irk me but inspire a rant because they simply exist and I don't like them. So, today, rather than try to be sunshiney and positive, I decided to spend today's blog having a little rant about the insignificant things that annoy me. Since I don't want to write a novel, I'll try to limit the list. However, I did come up with quite a few things in the short time I thought about it.

Item #1: Turtleneck sweaters.

I despise turtlenecks. I hate wearing them and I don't like seeing them worn. The only time I find them acceptable is on those winter Olympic athletes who need them because otherwise they'll freeze. I hate the way they cling around people's necks, making them look like they're being smothered by their own clothing. It's like the turtleneck has a life of its own and it's trying to slowly eat their head. It probably has something to do with the fact that I, personally, hate anything tighter than a loose scarf around my own neck because I hate feeling constricted. Therefore, when I see someone's head being slowly devoured by their turtleneck sweater, I have the urge to take a pair of scissors and set them free. Fortunately, I have some common sense and even when I'm in my most advanced stage of turtleneck loathing, I have the sense of mind to know that if you move towards someone while holding a pair of scissors and looking slightly maniacal, that's not good.

Item #2: Nicholas Cage

Nicolas Cage irritates me. Nicholas Cage irritates me a lot. First of alll, he only has two roles that he plays. His first role is: "Look at my enormous saucer eyes! I'm emoting. I'm Mr. Compassionate. I'm sad. Look how sad I am because my eyes look like a basset hound's after it's peed on the floor and feels guilty. " (examples of this: "Leaving Las Vegas," "City of Angels", "The Weatherman" and any other romantic movies he has made.). His second role is "I'm Mr. CRAZY! LOOK AT MY CRAZY EYES! I'm cool! I'm edgy! I'm going to go find the Declaration of Independence because I'm CRAZY! I'm going to save the day in my Con Air plane! I'm going to be all goofy and be Gone in 60 Seconds because I'm crazy, man, I'm CRAZY!" So, yes, Nicolas Cage bothers me a lot. The other reason I don't like him is because he sounds like he's chewing his cheeks when he talks, rather like a hamster. I suppose when I think about it, he does sort of resemble that hamster, Rhino, from "Bolt". See evidence above.

Item #3: People who already have their Christmas decorations up

People, it's NOVEMBER 3rd. Christmas in December 25th. I understand that the holidays are a fun time and you want to celebrate them as long as possible but it's NOVEMBER 3rd. Halloween was TWO DAYS AGO. It is NOT acceptable to take down your giant inflatable spider and giant inflatable orange pumpkin that was usually flat anyway and replace it with a giant inflatable Santa Claus and a row of candy canes. Seriously, I saw that someone on my street had done that this morning. I love Christmas. I love everything about it, the smells, sights, shopping and chaos. Yet, it isn't even Thanksgiving! If you have to put something giant and inflatable up in your yard, put up a giant turkey! They sell them! I've seen them! Just because the stores are selling Christmas/holiday stuff does NOT mean you have to give in to the power of manipulative commercialism. Be strong! Resist!

Item #4: The Trailer for "The Twilight Saga: New Moon"

Oh, you knew this was coming. I saw the preview last week. All I can say is "GAHHHH!" Are we REALLY teaching our teenage girls that it's perfectly acceptable to go crazy when you break up with your boyfriend and turn into a thrill seeker who rides motorbikes, jumps off cliffs and essentially tries to kill herself? Also, what the heck is up with that Taylor Lautner kid who is playing Jacob? He looks like he's grimacing all the time. I don't care how much he works out, he still looks like he's twelve. Jacob the former werewolf who became a shapeshifter because Stephanie Meyer either a)couldn't make up her mind or b)read some of Charlaine Harris' books, is supposed to be a strapping, sizzling seventeen year old. Taylor Lautner looks like the Disney Channel version. Also, that's a bad wig. Actually, all the wigs in the movie are bad except Robert Pattinson because he's not wearing a wig, it's his real hair that looks bad. Finally, the preview is very DRAMATIC! Bella almost dies but Jacob saves her. Edward thinks he's dead so tries to get permission to kill himself. He almost wanders naked into public but Bella SAVES him. Hurrah! Then they get to go meet with a council of vampires who all look like they'd rather be in an Anne Rice novel. Sorry Dakota Fanning but red contacts and a pout does not make you that scary. You're still Dakota Fanning.

Item #5: Tootsie Rolls

We've discussed this. They are NOT chocolate. They might have cocoa in them but they are NOT chocolate. Chocolate melts in your mouth. It does not require chewing. When I crave chocolate, I'm not about to reach for a Tootsie Roll. It is not the same thing. Enough said.

Item # 6: The ABC Television Network

Ok, ABC, what are you THINKING? You remake V, the beloved mini-series from the '80's and then you decide to SPLIT UP THE AIRING BY FOUR MONTHS! You can read my review of the first episode of V on my TV blog because I saw it at Comic-Con. It had flaws but it was entertaining. I know a lot of people wanted to see it because they remember the original. Also, ABC has been promoting the crap out of the show. I salute their brilliance in using Muse's "Uprising" as the background music because it's perfect. However, if you're going to drive people potty by showing them the preview over and over then perhaps you should rethink your airing strategy. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, ABC is going to let you watch four episodes now! Then they...make you wait for the rest. UNTIL MARCH! Now, they say it's because they want to make it 'event viewing'. Also, the Winter Olympics would get in the way anyway. So, here's my question. Why not air the show when there are NO Olympics? Also, what kind of an event is that? Do you really think that people would go to an event and then be willing to wait four months for the conclusion? It's like going to a concert, seeing the opening band and then waiting FOUR MONTHS for the next band. That's just silly!

Ok, I promise I'm done for now. I apologize if I've offended anyone. Please bear in mind that Captain Monkeypants was just in the mood to rant and did not intend her opinions to be hurtful, rude or mean. Except perhaps the Twilight ones because irritating Twi-hards and their mothers is actually sort of entertaining. No offense to my friends who like "Twilight." I still think you're insane but I love you anyway. And, um, I'm sorry if I was mean when I compared Nicolas Cage to a hamster. It doesn't mean I take it back but it was a little cruel, I suppose.

Sometimes it helps to just let it out. Thanks for sticking with me.

Happy Tuesday

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