Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Missing Pieces...

This week is going rather slowly. I don't know if it's because a three-day weekend is on the horizon or that time has actually slowed down. I just know that time is going by slowly at work and that the days seem rather long.

I think it might also be because I've hit one of those times in life where it just feels like you're just not going anywhere; the world around you continues to move and you feel a little left behind.

I'm sure, eventually, I'll catch up with the world again. Yet, at the moment, my analogy is that I'm standing on a beach watching the waves crash, never touching me and mostly ebbing away from me. It's one of those times in life where people have their own lives going on and get busy with them and I'm the only one without much going on. It's not a complaint or a criticism but there are times in life that are rich with friends. Then there are others where you tend to feel as though you're standing on that beach alone, wondering why you're not moving and swirling like the waves.

I know, that's hopelessly pretentious and writer-y but, well, I'm a writer. Let me be melodramatic in my analogies.

I wonder. Am I the only one who feels like that? Am I the only ones who sometimes feel that you're watching friends and family live their lives and you don't feel like you're really living yours to the fullest? That there's something missing?

Ironically, I'm not terribly unhappy with my life. Aside from being bored out of my mind by my job, it's not completely miserable at work. I don’t yet get that crushing feeling of dread when I get up in the mornings to go to work like I've had with other jobs, like I had when I had to go to school sometimes.

I have a rather nice little house that suits me quite well. I have two puppies that keep me busy, entertained and well-loved. I have my writing which, even when that feels like it's not going as well as it should…it's still going. I have hobbies. I have a great family. I have my health.

So, what's missing? I feel as though there's a portion of something that I need to feel fulfilled and, for the life of me, I can't place what it is.

These times in life are perplexing. It's probably why I took the personality tests last week. I was hoping to learn something about what I was missing.

Some people might say it's because I'm still single. That could be it, I don't know. It would be nice to come home and have someone to complain to about my day but I do actually complain to the puppies who cock their head and look at me like I'm nuts. It's probably not that different from having a husband or even a boyfriend.

But I don't know if that's it. It doesn't feel like I'm missing a person in my life or I'm just going through a time in life where I need to figure out what's next on the cards. I'm contemplating publishing my precious and most beloved series of novels that got me writing in the first place. They're the nearest and dearest creations I have and deep down, I was hoping that I'd be able to get them published by someone else rather than to self-publish them.

That's actually an interesting dilemma. I've been spouting off about starting a self-publishing revolution but do I believe in it enough to put my 'babies' out there?

I think I do believe in it enough. Those books are the ones that have had the most response from my readers. They're books with three strong characters whose voices I still occasionally hear in my head. As much as I love The Reluctant Demon, I never heard the voice of Malkos in my head. I probably heard Emmy Sands', my female protagonist, but that's mostly because Emmy is, uh, sort of me only more fictionalized.

But I hear the voices of my 'boys' in my head and I feel like they're telling me to go for it, to put them out into the world. They're a lot darker than my current novel. These books deal with demons of a human nature rather than demons in the attic.

Maybe if I put them out there, I'll feel more complete. I just don't know. I'm hoping this phase of my life ends soon and I can join those people who are the 'waves on the beach', moving along without me, busy with their lives while I stand there watching and wondering why I'm standing there watching.

I just don't know what it is that I'm missing…

That's probably why it's missing in the first place.

Happy Thursday!

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