Election Day Rules!*

So it's election day today. I think it's a reason to celebrate. I say, everyone have a party because it's election day.

You might think, wow, Captain Monkeypants is surprisingly patriotic. And then you might scratch your head and say...but isn't Captain Monkeypants...British?

Yes. I am. Rule Brittania!

I wish I could confess to patriotism being the reason that I love election day. But that would be untrue. And since there are enough politicians out there being untrue today, I feel I should endorse honesty and truth as part of this good day.

And so the reason I love Election Day is not because of the amazing amount of traffic gathered in unpredictable clusters around voting locations, not because it means we'll have a new president soon and not because it means House isn't on tonight because of election coverage.

It's because of the ads. Tomorrow, they will stop. Tomorrow, I will be able to turn on my TV and see advertisements for Mastercard (Priceless!), Verizon (Can you hear me now?), Olive Garden (When you're here, you're family!) and all the other mindless materialism that usually invades our culture. But there won't be any more political ads.

I don't have TiVo. I'm an old fashioned Monkeypants. I like to use my dvd recorder or, gasp, that ancient invention: The VCR. So, generally, I watch TV live if I can. Which means there are lots of political advertisements. No, not lots, thousands upon thousands. There are ads telling me to vote for a proposition to build a big casino resort in Ohio. And then, right after that ad, there's one telling me why I shouldn't vote for the casino. There's an ad for a politician citing all of the reasons he should be elected, a shiny audio resume in a 30 second spot. This is immediately followed by an ad for his oponent that is the anti-resume for the oponent who just had me convinced he was a good guy. I'm so confused!

I get it. Politics are a dirty business. Mudslinging is a necessary part of it. Nowadays, the mud slinging happens on the radio, on TV, on the Internet...even in the newspaper. Being nice doesn't work. Eventually, even the nice politicians have to play dirty. It's not right to let another politician look better than you. It makes sense. Who cares what the issues at stake are when a political opponent can easily drudge up past faults and mistakes, even if they were years ago?

I just don't want to see Obama being a good little boy scout, seeing his baby pictures and seeing what a good family man he is. Just as I don't want to hear one more word about John McCain and how experienced he is. We KNOW he's been around a long time. I mean, no offense but he's really old for a president. I mean, I'd like to think he's got hidden Mick-Jagger/Steven Tyler energy, still able to do a somersault across the stage as he ends a debate. Yet he's not. He's so old that I'm a little afraid he might not make it through his first term of office. Then we'd have President Palin which is a little scary, mostly because she sounds frighteningly like Marge in Fargo. I wonder if she has wood chipper in her backyard...

Uh, I'm digressing. This isn't a blog in which I'm going to spew my opinion on who I think should be president. I don't get to vote and thus, it's not fair of me to have an opinion. If I don't like it, I should become a U.S. Citizen and take a stand. But I think it's ok for me to make fun of the politicians I see in the ads. McCain is old. Obama has big ears. Palin sounds like she should be holding an ice-fishing pole all the time and Biden...well, I don't know much about Biden. I probably should have paid more attention to the ads.

But, darn it all, the ads will be done tonight! I'll be able to drive through town and not be assaulted by political signs everywhere. A local bar had a big McCain banner above the sign. The font looked like the logo for McCain French Fries. McCain make good frozen potatoes. I particularly like the Smiles- happy faced potato treats that are crispy on the outside and mashed on the inside. McCain Smile potatoes are excellent. When I saw the banner, I thought, cool! I didn't know bars endorsed frozen potatoes. And then I realized this it was a political sign.

There is a reason I don't vote. I know every vote counts and that, by not making myself eligible, I'm part of what's wrong with the U.S. But I pay taxes so I'm not a complete loss. And I do have a green card so I'm not an illegal immigrant. I respect the fact that U.S. allows me to live here and yet stay loyal to Britain. I really appreciate that when I fly to London- customs are a breeze. A UK passport gets me easy access to the UK and my green card lets me come back with the Americans. And since I hate airports, that's endorsement enough for me to give up the right to say who should be president.

If I had my way, it would be Jack Bauer anyway. He'd be too busy saving the world to sling mud. And he seems to be invincible because he's been shot, stabbed and maimed. A lot. And yet he still comes back swinging. Also, he's great with a hacksaw. What more could you want in a president?

Happy Election Day, everyone. Happy Voting.

*Note for the politically minded. This is supposed to be funny. I do not mean to offend. I endorse democracy. Democracy means I can eat McCain Smiles and enjoy brussel sprout sandwiches as much as I like. Also, it means I can choose to give myself the right to vote or not. I admire those who vote for the fact that they're taking a stand and taking the time out to make a change. Be the change you want to see in the world. Thanks for reading!