Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Luggage Locators and Priceless Commercials...

I'm heading home to the warmth of my parents home tonight so blogs may be a little few and far between over the next few days. And while I'm being poetic about the warmth of my parents home, I'm also being literaral. You see, I have discovered that my lovely apartment has one slight problem: It has a nasty draft coming through my patio doors. This is all very well and good when the sun is shining but when I sit on my couch to watch the very silly but entertaining Prison Break or the suddenly awful Grey's Anatomy, I suddenly feel the draft.

It's time to make some draft stoppers, I think. Fortunately, I have a very crafty friend who can always offer tips on how to do these things. She even has a blog. I plan on attempting making a draft stopper or two this weekend based on her tips. But, for now, my living room is drafty which makes being a couch potato a little chilly.

Anyway, while I was sitting on said drafty couch last night, I was flipping through some store flyers and I found something that intrigued my Monkeypants Brain: A Luggage Locator. It was in the Bed, Bath and Beyond brochure. Apparently, you attach a thingy to your luggage and then you have this handy-dandy remote control activator thing that you hit when you lose your luggage. Naturally, this got me to wondering a few things. Firstly, what happens when you hit the button? Does it emit a high pitched alarm that only the owner can hear? Does it have something like a car-alarm that goes off when you lose it? If so, can you imagine Airports of the Future? Getting your luggage would be even worse than it is now. Already, it becomes a question of trying to position yourself in front of the carousel so that you can dive in should you spot your luggage. The diving in is usually complicated by someone who is far more aggressive shoving themselves in front of you in order to hoist themself practically onto the carousel, pulling the luggage off with a vigourous swing that inevitably accidentally clomps you on the leg, head or whichever body part you couldn't move fast enough, only to discover that it's not actually their luggage.

The Luggage Locator I have created in my mind would simply add a horrifying "BWAM-BWAM-BWAM" sound to all of that in efforts to locate its lost owner. Do they all make different noises? If so, do you have to have practice sessions so you know which noise yours is making?

Maybe it doesn't make noise. Maybe it flashes a light which then leads me to wonder what the point of that would be. What if the baggage is facing the other way? You wouldn't see the light, right?

And how far is the range on this thing? Is it like one of those car unlocky things where you have to be in range in order to hit the button and hear your car toot back as you unlock it? That's really not going to be helpful if you're in an airport full of people? What are you going to do, shout "HEY, EVERYONE, CAN YOU ALL BE QUIET FOR A MOMENT, I'M TRYING TO LOCATE MY LUGGAGE?" I don't think so. I mean, anyone who's ever been to an airport knows they are full of crotchety people who really just want to teleport instead of flying but since that hasn't been invented yet, they have to wait while their plane from Chicago to Fort Wayne, Indiana is delayed yet again even though the sun is shining, the plane is at the gate and it's already been delayed five times. Uh, not that I'm projecting.

What would be cool is if it were like a remote control device that would find your luggage anywhere it might be lost and wheel itself to you. The problem with that would be luggage that lacked wheels. However, I'm quite certain that I might just have been reading too much Harry Potter lately. I always did fancy that Accio spell that brings items to you. I've tried it a couple of times when I can't be bothered to get up and retrieve the remote control from where I left it. The spell doesn't work. If it did, there probably wouldn't be a need for a Luggage Locator in the first place.

I'm quite sure all the answers to my Luggage Locator questions could simply be answered by Google. However, sometimes, I like to remain ignorant because I like to make up things and visualize things the way I've made them up in my head. Reality is so much less entertaining once you know how something works.

Advertisements always get me thinking. Have you seen the latest Mastercard ads? I used to like those "Priceless" commercials. They used to be sweet and entertaining. Now they're just dippy. The one they keep showing is this perky little ad where a lady goes into a store with a basket and grabs scary things that make odd noises that the calm and reassuring Voiceover Man says are "smiles", "hugs," and "contented sighs." I won't go so far as to say the hugs freak me out but, really, I don't think I'd be quite so excited as the lady with the basket if that's what hugs looked like. They look like Sock Monkey mated with Kleenex Box and may have had an affair with Ms. Potato Head. Then again, the lady in the commercial then takes her basket full of weirdness and sits on her beach with her family where she divvies out the smiles, hugs and contented sighs which is the Priceless part of the commercial. I find that weird. It's like one of those Stephen Spielberg Alien Futures in which everyone has robot children that are programmed to be happy but then go bad. Maybe that'll come in a later commercial: The Dark Side of Mastercard.

As I've said before, I like commercials. I find them entertaining. Now that the holidays are approaching, there'll be more of them and more brochures to flip through. I'm curious to learn more about this Luggage Locator. Usually, I'd be flying back to the Midwest from L.A. this time of year; I'm thrilled I can just drive home to my parents now. However, I will miss the inflight magazines. I'm addicted to SkyMall. I bet there are Luggage Locators in there this year along with other weird products that are targeted for the Bored Travelling Executive Who Has Everything but a Brass Plated, Personalized Massager that Sings. Or something to that effect.

Still, without SkyMall, I'll survive. There's always TV commercials to get me thinking. I'm quite thankful for that. And since it's almost Thanksgiving, isn't that a nifty tie-in?

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

What about skymall.com?