Wednesday, October 21, 2009

"Woe is Me" types of days....

My bad mood never quite left yesterday. By the time I actually went home, I was almost ready to scream from frustration. It was just one of those days in which I couldn't get much done. One of my coworkers kept talking. Then she talked more. Then she talked even more. It's hard to focus when there's that much jabbering happening. My meeting was fun and exciting. And yes, that is sarcasm. I couldn't even get any good doodling done as I was expected to participate in the discussion.

But the day did finally end, thankfully. Today is a new day. It's supposed to be sunny and warm and I'm hoping that my mood remains non-bad.

I think today was really just one of those days where you discover that just getting out of bed was a bad idea. Nothing terribly bad happened, just little tiny things. It was the kind of day in which cars pulled out in front of me without seeing me coming and I had to slam on my brakes. I didn't hit anyone, fortunately. It was the kind of day in which I brought spicy roasted pepper soup to work which made my nose run and I ran out of tissues. It was the kind of day in which I spilled my soup in my lunchbag and it smelled like cold soup for the rest of the day. It was the kind of day in which, as I was making chicken Florentine for dinner, I managed to drop my entire Sodium Chloride Containment Unit (i.e. a fancy little salt seller with a lift up lid courtesy of Mr. Alton Brown's "Good Eats") into my spinach and onto my cooktop. I managed to rinse off most of the salt from the spinach but I had a mess on the cooktop to clean up. It doesn't help that while I'm not generally superstitious, spilling salt and thinking it's bad luck is one of the superstitions I do tend to follow. The chicken Florentine turned out pretty tasty but the spinach was oversalted. If I were on "Top Chef," I'd probably have been in the bottom three.

Ah well, as I said, today is a new day. Also, I'm not competing on a reality cooking show so salt disasters only affect me and I'm not being judged. These are things I'm using to think positive. A good friend reminded me last night that no matter how miserable my job, it's not who I am.

Sometimes I need that reminder. Lately, at work, I've been feeling like the invisible employee. I shouldn't complain; I'm earning a paycheck, am able to pay my mortgage and can manage my own projects at work. In some ways, it's a dream job. I'm just not sure it's my dream job. In fact, I know it isn't. In my year at this company, I've sort of been left to my own devices and everything I know, I've had to teach myself. I don't usually mind because I am a self-starter. It's just that I wasn't really hired as a self-starter and often, it results in vague comments that imply I need to be doing something else except...there's no follow-up.

I was at my parent's house last Friday. They watch Medium on CBS. I never watch it when I'm home but it's a watchable show and don't mind catching it with my parents. The main male character on the show is hired for a job in which he thinks he's going to be able to contribute, to work on things he loves. He discovers that the owner of the company is a control freak who only works by himself, he only hires people because he has to use a percentage of his budget on employees, not because he needs them. Thus, the employee is told he gets to sit there all day, work on whatever he likes or not even work...he'll still get paid. He just won't be doing anything for the company who's paying him.

At first, I thought this sounded like a dream job. I mean, who wouldn't like to show up at an office, pick up a nice check and do whatever he liked all day long? Then I thought about it. Technically, I could use the time to write novels. Except...I realized, that's not how I like to write. Assuming I'd applied for the job in the first place, the company would be doing something that had interested me. Knowing I was getting paid to NOT work for the company would probably drive me potty after a while. I have a work ethic issue, you see. I tend to think if I'm earning a check, I should be doing something.

I am doing something for my company. I'm just not sure they know what it is. Even if they do, it'd be nice if someone would tell me how I was doing. I've been told that if they don't complain, assume I'm doing fine. That's nice and everything but I'm a creature who likes feedback, especially if I've been working on something I'm unsure is useful in the first place.

Ah well. I'm lucky to have good friends in my life. They're good for reminding me that I'm not invisible. They're also good at pointing out obvious things that I tend to forget when I'm having a "Woe is Me" type of day. For example, I was reminded last night that while I might not have a career with a point A to point B path- i.e. Nursing leads to being a nurse, Medical School leads to being a doctor or something similar...I am a writer and just because I'm not getting paid for it yet doesn't mean it's not worthwhile.

I hate that I need that reminder and yet I'm very grateful for it. Isn't it strange how easy it is to fall into a pattern of negative thinking? I know that's a bad habit of mine but sometimes it's hard to stop.

I'm determined to stop it this time. I can't look at the bad in my life and not see the good. Besides, one of my cubicle-mates is in early and she's muttered, "shit, shit, shit!" under her breath a few times already. That's never a good sign.

Also, I have chocolate eyeballs on my desk. While this might disgust many a person, I personally find them intriguing. Halloween candy is rather fun. Last week, I ate a zombie-finger made out of chocolate and crispy things. I also had a zombie toe. I like the eyeballs. When someone is looking at me and talking, I hold my chocolate eyeballs up and make it look like they're staring. People find it disconcerting. I find it entertaining.

It's the small things, no matter how juvenile, that make an otherwise dull day more fun.

I also have a mini pumpkin on my desk that someone gave me. I'm thinking of giving him a face with my Sharpie marker. I did think about carving him but I know that would make a mess and, also, I lack sharp objects with which I could carve.

Oh, there goes my coworker again with her swearing under her breath. Generally, this is a result of things that do not go exactly her way. She "shit, shit, shit!"'s for everything from a typing error to a full-blown Microsoft crash. You never can tell.

Yes, she's not having a good day. She has my sympathies. I'd give her a chocolate eyeball but she doesn't eat chocolate. Also, she prefers not to eat eyeballs.

She's a little strange.

Thanks for reading.

Happy Wednesday.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

Hang in there, Captain Monkeypants! This too shall pass... and you are bloody brilliant!