Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Year Reflections....

It's officially the last day of 2009. I write this from my parent's house where I arrived last night amidst a snowfall that left the ground white and sparkling this morning.

The end of a year/beginning of a new one is a time of reflection. Last year's was tainted with the loss of a friend. This year has been kinder in that regard and, in all honesty, it's not been a bad year. I managed to buy a house this year. It's something I always planned on doing. Now I own one and still, five months after moving in, I'm still amazed that it's really mine. I love looking out of the window at my garden and planning what to plant next year. I enjoy finding ways to make the decorating look a little more like 'me'. It's slow but it's happening.

Also, despite being dissatisfied with my job, I did manage to keep being employed even though, for a while, it seemed like that wasn't going to happen. There's nothing more unnerving than planning a cross-country move for a job and then, two days before you're due to drive out, you find out that the company that hired you is being sold. I chose to come anyway since I was told I still had a jub but I managed to walk into one of the most uncomfortable situations I've ever been involved in. It was six months of painful worrying about whether anyone would buy us or, as we feared most, we'd be bought by a competitor who would then shut us down. It meant for the six months of uncertainty, everyone was preoccupied. The boss who hired me mentally checked out which means my training was non-existent and I had to teach myself how to do a job which, in all honesty, had never really been defined. When we were bought in March by our 'sister' company, I was kept on, as were all the other staff. I had a new boss. I was happy at first and I'm still immensely grateful that I got to keep my job. This is why I feel ungrateful complaining. Yet, my first boss didn't care enough to even help me figure out what I was doing and my current boss has no idea what to do with me even though I've tried telling him.

On the job front, it's been a weird year. It's strange to feel grateful but feel so frustrated at the same time. I want to be pleased my company keeps me employed but there's a large part of me that wants to run away instead of going in the building everyday. I used to have a job where I meant something, where people needed me to do my job; these days, I feel like I'm just a spacefiller who could be replaced by anyone at anytime.

Nevertheless, it's a new year which, means, for me, it's a time to reassess my life. I've done that a little already. I've questioned my decision to not follow a career path as much as just find a job that makes time for me to write my novels. I see my sister excelling in her path to become a nurse and I wonder if I made the right choice. When she's done with school, she'll be a nurse. That's a career. Me...I'm a floater. My vague description is that I work with software but, over the years, it's been a store clerk, legal secretary, part-time reporter, receptionist, administrative assistant, video editor, theatre stage get the idea. For me, my career has really always been writing. I just don't get paid for it. Say that to another writer and they nod sagely. Say that to someone like my father who needs labels and evidence and monetary proof and I get a lecture on why I should straighten up and be sensible. I'm not angry with my father about it; I'm used to it. To me, my job pays the bills, my writing gives me passion. I'd love to marry the two and get paid to write and, someday, I will. For now, all I want is to enjoy my day job to the point where I'm not going home and trying to shake off the frustration I feel at work. I've had it before, I'll have it again.

I can't say I've really made any New Year's resolutions officially. I'm not sure I ever do. Sometimes, I think we shouldn't need the excuse of a new year to change. However, it is a convenient start point and so, for me, I'm going to focus on trying to fix the things in my life that I'm not happy with and not let everything get me down so much. That's pretty much the only resolution I've made at this point. I'll probably try exercising and being healthier but, well, I got Mario Batali's cookbook for Christmas and being healthy isn't necessarily going to be convenient there. Perhaps I'll try to find a balance.

No matter what the New Year holds, I hope it's a good one for all of you. May your resolutions hold and your dreams come true.

Happy New Year!

1 comment:

ptarone said...

Happy New Year!!! My new years resolution is to actually go visit some people this year, and you are on my list... so watch out Ohio!