Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Illicit Affairs of the Major Household Appliance...

So, I have reason to believe I might have been living with an appliance scandal right under my nose.

I think my tumble dryer might have been having an affair with my fridge.

I have reason for my assertation. You see, often, in the news, when an older person dies, leaving behind a spouse to whom they were married for many, many years, that the spouse passes away soon afterwards. The couple have been together so long and are such a part of each other that one cannot live without the other.

In my case, I wrote an obituary to my fridge on Monday because it passed away on Sunday.

Well, tonight, my tumble dryer passed away. It was a quick, painless death. I simply loaded in my wet clothes, hit the button, it tumbled for a moment and then...a death knoll sound rose up and it died, leaving behind only the final wheezes of life before it gave up completely.

I think it must have missed my fridge so much that it decided it could not go on without the loud, obnoxious buzz that used to pervade the kitchen and it, too, went to the Appliance Great Beyond.

I feel sorry for my washer. I always sort of think of the washer and dryer as a couple. They usually sit side by side. They work together to get the clothes clean and dried. They usually match.

In my case, both my washer and dryer were White Westinghouses. They don't make those anymore I'm told which made me look up the purchase date. They were both purchased in 1995.

My fridge was also a White Westinghouse. It, too, was purchased in 1995.

So, you can see why I have my suspicions about the infidelity of my appliances. Now, if it were my washer that died and the dryer immediately followed, it would make sense in a very sad, tragic way: They loved each other so much that they couldn't survive without being by each others' side. They were a pair, a couple united by laundry and togetherness.

I think the problem is that I saw a rerun of "Grey's Anatomy" lately where a woman would have a false heart attack every year on the same day. It turned out that it was the anniversary of her next-door neighbour's death and that they'd been secretely in love for years.

So, given the expiration of my fridge, followed by my washer...surely you can see that I might have a reason for my suspicions.

Or, perhaps, more likely, I'm just being silly. However, I find that when faced with yet another unforseen household expense in the same week as the last one, rather than have a meltdown and curl up in a fetal position, pumping my fists at the sky and yelling, "WHITE WESTINGHOUSE, YOU SUCK," I find that making up stories about applicance infidelity is a much more sane coping mechanism.

Well, ok, it's not sane. Not really. Even I recognize that. However, as a writer, creativity is sometimes the best way to avoid a complete and utter meltdown. As I said the other day in regards to my fridge, I know it's not a huge issue in the grand scheme of things: Tumble dryers, like fridges, can be replaced. They cost a fair amount but, well, it's doable.

It's just that, like with the fridge, I know all that and it still stinks.

So, I choose to make up stories about my appliances and their illicit activities. I find it both therapeutic and entertaining. Of course, it leaves me very sad for my washing machine because it will now have to sit next to a new, unmatched partner that is a Whirlpool.

Oh dear, I've just realized that my fridge is also a Whirlpool. By that token, does that mean history is going to repeat itself and my fridge and dryer will, once again, undertake a forbidden romance?

Then again, who's to say that washing machine didn't know about the affair and it was more of a menage a trois?

On second thoughts, scratch that...entertaining and disturbing implications of that menage a trois aside, that might mean my washing machine can't live without the fridge and dryer and commit seppuku.

I definitely do not want that. April isn't over yet and there's still time for another appliance death in this Month of Homeowner Doom.

I'm just glad my oven's a Kenmore and minds its own business. Still, perhaps I best not use it until the month is over...just in case.

You never know what goes on in the complicated tangles of appliance love.

Happy Thursday!

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