Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Feeling Like I'm back in High School...

I'm glad this week is halfway done. It's turning out to be a long week. I like the actual conference part but the social part is starting to be a little...old. I've learned, like so many conferences, this one is about socializing and alcohol as much as the conference. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against that but I'm not so sure I quite follow the ropes. There are social groups here and I'm not really part of them.

It's not that I don't know and like my coworkers but it's also a little awkward. I'm trying to be social but it's difficult because I also am trying to do my job and make sure that I don't bomb my presentation. I ended up having a low key evening with two friends and then going to bed at a decent hour. My presentation isn't until tomorrow but I'm highly stressed about it and I figure it's better to not go out and get obliterated with my coworkers in lieu of, you know, feeling ok to go to the conference the next day.

Naturally, I feel like I'm a bit of a wet-blanket. I had actually planned on being a little more social but my two friends and I got sort of ditched so we ended up just hanging out with a glass of wine which, truth be told, is more my style anyway.

Yet then, as always, I'm left feeling like the nerd in high school who is left standing alone because I'm gangly and awkward. Even those the days of my gangliness are long behind me, inside, I think, I'm still the odd-looking, not-quite-grown-into-my-face girl who shyly stands and wants to be part of a group but is afraid to ask. Yet, I'm actually not afraid to ask, anymore. More than anything, in my mind, I'm still a nerd but I'm comfortable with that, comfortable with not being part of the group. Yet, it's a catch-22: I like being the one to make the choice I making the choice? Self-doubt prevails.

I hate self-doubt. I hate worrying that everything I say is taken the wrong way as i think was the case yesterday. Even my off-hand comments seem to get taken the wrong way and I feel like I'm constantly doing the wrong thing. I've never been to this conference before like almost my entire company AND our clients have. I seem to constantly have to ask questions which makes me feel too much like a newbie, all over again.

Still, today is a new day. I'm going to try to approach it as a fresh start, a chance to not feel like a fish-out-of-water. Of course, those constantly churning butterflies in my stomach aren't really helping but maybe, just maybe, after I blurt my presentation, all will be well.

I can only hope.

Happy Wednesday.

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