Thursday, June 4, 2009

A "Five Things" Kind of Day....

I think I'm in a bad mood today. I can blame it on the fact that I'm tired or I can blame it on the fact that lately, things just haven't been going the way I planned. I suppose I should be glad that life isn't predictable but, at the same time, it's nice when I know I'm going to have a good day or at least have good things happening.

Part of it is work. No matter what I do, I seem to be treading water here. I tried talking to my boss to tell him I wanted more responsibility and he greeted that idea positively. Yet, all of the projects seem to be falling to my co 'team member' who has been here much longer than me and likes to have job security so she never says no.

I like job security too but given that I currently have maybe two projects to do, neither of which could make or break my company, I'm beginning to wonder what's going on. I keep getting told there's a learning curve here and that after a year, I'll be given more work. I thought this was nice at first. Now I realize it's just a little....silly. I'm perfectly capable of handling a heavy workload. I have skills to offer. I'm willing. So...why wait? I mean, ok, so it's their payroll but if you have an employee that has asked for more work, does it really make sense from a business viewpoint to keep that employee with a light workload? It's nice...sure's a for-profit business too. It's just not making much sense to me.

I've realized that being happy in a job affects my life a lot. I don't want it to. I want to go home and put the workday behind me but I've never been able to do that. Instead, I dwell. I hate that I dwell.

If I was writing at the moment, I'd be better. I could convince myself that my true passion is writing and my day job doesn't matter. I'm not writing though. I'm trying but I have to climb out of a very large hole that Amazon.Com, Publishers Weekly and my own self-doubt dug for me. I shouldn't have to but the hole is there and whenever I think I'm ready to clambour out, I look over at my shelf of unpublished manuscripts, the slew of rejection emails I have and just sit back down in that hole. It's quiet there. Quiet and dark and there's no pressure.

I can't sit in that hole forever though. I have to write something again soon. Something with a beginning, a middle and an end. It's not a lofty goal. At least, it didn't use to be.

Sorry I'm a bit of a misery-guts today, as my mother would say. I'm just feeling a lot of inner turmoil and stress. With my parents away, my friends constantly busy and my siblings all occupied with their own lives, the only outlet I have at the moment is in the form of a long, brown dachshund who is good company but doesn't provide much comfort unless I'm holding something edible in my hand. I keep hoping he'll have one of those "Marley and Me" moments where he'll sense I'm having a cruddy day and just sit with me but Sausage is...a little dense. He doesn't get it.

Yet I'm starting to enjoy having him around. He's starting to get used to being around too, I think. I only have two days left with him before I can take him back to his real home. I will miss having him around for the company though leaving home alone in his crate is hard. I hate doing that to him but it's for both of our own goods. My torn carpet is evidence of that.

On days like this I have a little tradition. I remind myself that my life is pretty good compared to most and to prove it, I make myself name five things that I love in my life or for which I am grateful, not including family because that's just a given. Today's top five are: The fact that I'm able to buy a new house, 2) That I'm getting to experience springtime in the Midwest. 3) That I do have a passion for writing even when I'm in a dull spot. 4) My nice Roxy flip-flops that my friend gave me for Christmas because they're comfy and don't make that flip-flop sound. 5) For "Iron Chef America" and "True Blood" for giving me something to enjoy watching during the slow summer TV months.

I forgot to mention that I allow myself to be random in my 'five things'. I could probably come up with a hundred more but those are today's. They remind me that life is never as dark as it seems and that there's always bright spots that make it just that little cheerier, even in the form of flip-flops.

Happy Thursday.

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