Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Self-Doubt Days

So, I'm having one of those days today where I woke up in a bad mood because I didn't sleep well again. As the day went by, I went from being cranky to being mopey. It's my own fault- it's when I start to let self-doubt creep in and that gives way to self-pity.

It's all to do with writing again. As I've said before in this blog, sometimes, I feel great about writing and I love doing it and I don't care if I get anyway- it's the journey that's fun. Then there are times, like today, when I stop and look back and I realize that I've been on this journey rather a long time now and there's no destination in sight.

I know...I published a book. Yet, even with the interview in my hometown paper, I haven't sold a single copy since the interview came out. I don't know how to take that. I know many of my friends moved away but, well, I can't help but take it personally when no one cares one bit. One of the first tips I'm always given regarding self-publicity is to try to get interviewed by the local paper. So...I did. And...nothing.

I'm sad about that, in all honesty. I keep thinking that maybe I was arrogant to publish my book- they used to call forms of self-publishing "vanity presses." Maybe that's what I did. I just don't know anymore. The problem with self-doubt is that it's a deep pit and once you let yourself step-in, it doesn't seem so far to the bottom.

Even this blog has me doubting- is it worth blogging? I know there are a few of you out there reading but, again, it's a vain thing to write and hope that people care enough about what you have to say to read what you're saying.

I HATE days like this. These are the days when I am looking back at the 'journey' I'm on and wondering what made me think I was good enough to start the journey in the first place. Along the way, I've had very few successes and yet I continued anyway. On self-doubt days, I start to wonder what made me keep going. I had/have a dream that I could be a full-time writer, that I would be recognized one day by an agent, a publisher, a magazine...something.

So far...nothing but a self-published book and a blog that tends to be far too much about puppies and not enough about anything else lately.

I'm hoping that the self-doubt passes. It really sucks because it taints everything. I haven't felt like this in a while but that's what I get for stopping and looking back. I keep trying to keep my eyes forward but the truth is, I just don't know which way to go anymore. I've tried magazine stories, novels, contests, queries...and nothing.

Is there some point at which I should just accept that I should give up or should I keep going? That's the question I'm juggling lately. Is it worth it to keep going? The problem is that I've based my life on this dream and my 'day job' has always been something to pay the bills but not something I loved. Writing was what I loved/still mostly love...If I don't write then I'll be left with an empty job that pays the bills but tends to drive me crazy.

I apologize for my whinyness. I blame it on a lack of sleep and humidity- it's been hot and muggy here today. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better, that, at least, the self-doubt is gone. The crankyness isn't so bad since I don't really have to put up with coworkers do. I'm also having a friend over to dinner tomorrow which will be really nice and stop me from being so self-pitying.

Also, I have two puppies asleep on my couch and they don't care what I do for a living- they love me anyway. Maybe I should take a leaf out of their book.

Thanks for listening. Happy Thursday!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You wrote an awesome book! Keep your chin up and keep a positive attitude and you will succeed.