Celebrating Triumphs through Facebook....

I've been distracted by puppies lately. I've realized I'm in danger of becoming one of those people, the ones who gush and show pictures every time someone asks me how the puppies are.

I never thought I'd be like that. I thought I'd have a dog or dogs for companionship and while I loved them, they would just be my dogs. I think I might have been a bit unrealistic about that.

Instead, I think I'm becoming one of those insufferable pet parents. If someone asks me how the puppies are, I always have a story, how cute they are, how clever Sookie was because I finally got her to go to the bathroom on the puppy pad I put in the corner or how sweet Rory is because when she's scared, she runs straight to me for protection, letting me know that she knows who her mummy is.

Even when I type that, I feel a bit like Hagrid from Harry Potter. The big, scary man was a big softie when it came to animals and I think that might just be me and the puppies. I can't got to a shop with a pet section without seeing if they have any good squeaky toys because those girls, they love their squeaky toys.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being a good pet parent. I just have to be careful not to make the puppies the only thing in my life.

Take for example, last week. My book was published and up for sale on Amazon.com. I sold my first copy.

That's huge, really. Yet, I let it pass by without taking in the fact that I am now a published author. It's been a dream of mine for a while and it finally came true.

That's something I think I should stop and enjoy, really, don't you think?

The nice thing is that thanks to Facebook, I have a little pep squad, some friends who ordered the book the minute I told them it was available. There was no hesitation, no "I'll do it later," or "I'll wait until I get paid." No, they put it straight in their Amazon.com cart and it's already being shipped. That's also something to celebrate.

It's nice to have friends like that. Some of them are close friends, others are simply friends I went to high school with and found on Facebook. Some are in the U.S., some in the U.K. It's a strange, humbling thing to realize that people believe in me that much that they don't stop and wonder if it's worth the money, they just buy it.

It also goes to show how much a part of our lives Facebook is these days. I don't go a day where I don't at least check people's statuses on my phone, to make sure they're all ok and there's no catastrophes at hand and to see what everyone's up to at that moment.

It's ironic, really. People say technology is forcing us apart, making us reliant on computers and gadgets and less on each other. To some extent, that's true. It's easier to do things online than go do it in person. It does cut down on our interpersonal interactions.

But I don't think it's forcing us apart. For me, Facebook has become almost a virtual scrapbook of my life. My first very best friend in England is my friend on Facebook and even though we haven't seen each other for years, I can see her children's photos, her husband, her parents. I have friends from my first days in the U.S., friends that I enjoyed in high school but didn't think I'd see again once we graduated. I have other friends from high school who I wanted to see again but we all went our separate ways. I have close friends who I email outside of facebook or talk to on the phone. I have friends from my many jobs...

You get the idea....for me, Facebook is a way of pulling the social history of my life together and laying it out for me to see how my life has evolved. These are people who all knew me at different stages of my life, from my evolution of being a slightly scruffy little bookworm to becoming someone who actually writes books.

As a writer and as a human, I have to say, Facebook is a great invention. I don't use it the way many people do- I have yet to ask ANYONE for a cow or a barn in Farmville and I intend to keep it that way- but I love that it lets me connect with my many friends.

As a published writer, it's a wonderful way for me to realize how kind people are. They're taking a chance on me as a writer and as a friend and it's a pretty darn good feeling.

So, for anyone who knows me, has bought my book or is my Facebook friend, I thank you kindly for your confidence and belief in me. That means an awful lot to me.

And, also, if you want to see any puppy pictures, just let me know.

Just kidding. Mostly.

Happy Tuesday!

Passions, Cheese and Writing....

So, I just wrote this whole blog about my life and my writing and my job...and when I tried to publish, the server gave me an error message and now I have to start all over. I'm annoyed. I'm an impatient sort of Monkeypants. Also, I'm very tired and it's late and I really don't have a clue if I can mentally pull it together to recreate that blog.

Basically, the gist of it was that, scarily, I'm actually liking my job at this moment in time. I know, I know. The idea of me, Captain Monkeypants, saying that is...alarming. I think the scariest part of all is that it's temporary. I know that, in a week, my euphoria is going to be over and that I'm back to concocting ways to entice a squirrel to a) eat through the power lines or b) take down the internet. Either option would render us useless. Even if a squirrel is not involved, on a normal day, I confess that I do find myself imagining ways for our building to be out of commission long enough that we get to go home.

Still, for now...I'm liking my job. Today, I got invited to a meeting that involved the programmers and me and, interestingly, I was vital to the meeting. That has never happened before in this job. It happened in my last job but it was at a point where I could see that I'd finally hopped over a fence that I'd never have to navigate again. This job...who knows. One minute, my boss is asking for my assistance, the next thing he's treating me like a blond bimbo who can't possibly comprehend anything more technical than "microwave or toaster"?

But, I'm scared to say that today and yesterday were, um, fun for me at work. I am getting to test issues that have been found to be wrong with our software. Then I get to try and break them. Then, when I'm successful in breaking them, I get to tell the programmers what to do.

I'm good at telling people what to do.

I know it's only temporary, that once we release our software, I'm relegated back to the ranks of "what are we supposed to do with you?" Those days make me hate my job. They send me back to the days where I'm job searching. They send me back to the days when even working as a cheese shop manager at Jungle Jim's sounds appealing.

For the record, the last time this happened, I did apply for a Cheese Shop Manager position at Jungle Jim's. I'm annoyed that I didn't even get an acknowledgment for my application. While I might not have an official background, I still think I was a good applicant. While I might not have a passion for software, I'm sad to say I have a passion for cheese. I'm good with customers. I like people.

Also, twice now, for the record, I've been in Jungle Jim's and have been able to assist customers when the store employees could not. I'm not joking.

For the record, Creme Fraiche is found on the top shelf of the "French" cheese section. It is a mild sour cream and can be substituted for American whipping cream although it doesn't have quite as much bite. I highly recommend the real stuff.

Also, though Gorgonzola is a strong blue cheese, it is not Danish blue, as many assume. It is, in fact, Italian. Thus, it can be found in the "Italian" section of Jungle Jim's cheeses. I can recommend it as an excellent topping for salads or, even better, with mashed potatoes or stuffed mushrooms.

Anyway, I'm moving on, even though I'm slightly saddened that my future in Cheese Shop management is not to be. I know this sounds sarcastic. But, in truth, like a wise friend of mine says, [I'm] not sarcastic!, [I'm] British."

Seriously, even though my day job in software is sometimes good, as it was today, I do know this is not my passion. I can't pretend that I will ever compare the thrill I get to doing well at this job to the thrill I get when I'm writing.

When I'm writing or doing anything to do with my writing, I get wired. I find an excitement that can't be replicated by much else in my life. I'm doing scarily well with my Amazon Kindle sales of my novel, The Reluctant Demon. In a few days, my book will be for sale in a paperback format. If I do half as well as my potential sales targets promise, I'm going to be ok.

But it's not about the money. You must know that about me by now. It's more about trying to get my book out to people who I think will enjoy it. I don't care if I get any profit...I really, honestly, just want people to find it entertaining and not mind paying the $10 I'm charging.

(For the record, I'm going to charge $9.99. My original wish was to charge $7.99 but in the interest of not going into insane debt and still getting my book out there, I had to compromise. A fact, for which, I apologize).

No, I really just want people to read it, to laugh, to not mind that they had to buy the book to read it. That's it.

Ironically, in my attempts to find out the status of my proof copy of my novel, I clicked on Amazon.com. I discovered that tonight is "The Night" for the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award entrants.

A year ago, I was one of them. I had a novel entered in Amazon's competition. I wanted to pretend I didn't care but I did. At 3 a.m, I remember awaking, panicked after a dream in which I realized I sucked as a writer. When I checked my emails, I discovered I had been awarded a semi-finalist position for my novel.

I was elated. I was excited. It was the furthest I'd ever come with a novel. I reveled in the knowledge that I didn't completely suck.

That lasted until I got my prize from Amazon.com: A review by Publisher's Weekly. My review was terrible. It summarized my book. It gave a good explanation of the events. Then it trashed me. It gave no explanation why, no constructive criticism to help me figure out why my reviewer hated it, only that my book was awful. It was, in short, destructive criticism.

Sadly, as much as I hate to admit it, it began a horrible period of writer's block for me. A period in which I doubted my skills, my abilities, my desire. I tried to write something...anything. There was nothing but this blog.

Then I did some research and discovered that for the purpose of the Amazon.com Breakthrough Novelist Award reviews, Publisher's Weekly had hired reviewers for a pittance, just so they could get the 'job done'.

Someone's $50 profit was my mental breakdown into self-doubt about my writing. Thanks, Publisher's Weekly for being professional.

Still, then came the wonderful, amazing National Novel Writer's Month challenge (NaNaWriMo for short). In November, in the short space of a month (or three weeks if you're me and helping a friend with a master's thesis), I managed to write my novel, The Reluctant Demon. It was easy. It was light. It was fluffy.

It was fun.

I'd re-discovered my passion and my love for writing. The result is my most marketable novel to date. A novel which can be yours for the low-low price of $9.99 once I approve it. It's not about the money, it's about the fact that a would-be novelist found her path in life again.

And, no matter how much I enjoy my day job in software, for me, it's about the passion I feel in the evenings, when I get to write. Granted, I'd love to find a day job that solicited my passion too but...we can't have everything.

In the meantime, I'll settle for loving cheese but being passionate about writing. In between, I'm enjoying my current job.

It's all about the now...right?

Happy Thursday.

Sunny Days and Carrot Seeds

It's Friday. It's an unbelievably amazing spring day out there, already nearing seventy degrees. The sun is shining, the air smells heavenly...how can anyone possibly be in a bad mood?

I can't be. Not today. It's too nice out there. I slept really well. I have a cup of coffee. For now, all is right in the world, at least for the fifteen minutes I'm currently living. Baby steps, right?

I'm not going to vent anymore about my bad review. Just as always is the case, whenever I'm having a hard time with that, the people who care about me most came through, lending me their shoulders to cry on, the ears to yell into and their unwavering faith that someday, I'll show those idiots at Publishers Weekly that they were wrong. Also, they're all boycotting Amazon.com which is a rather sweet touch, I think. I know I'm considering doing all my shopping with Barnes and Noble and Borders. Same books, same prices...instant gratification because there is actually a store to browse...there's a lot to be said for that.

So, I'm going to start my weekend feeling upbeat. It's supposed to be fantastic weather all weekend which makes me happy because I can help work in my parent's garden. I'm also going to garage sales tomorrow with my sister. It's a city-wide garage sale day in my parent's hometown. My sister's a pro at those. I've never had much luck; I always feel a little weird perusing people's stuff. However, before I moved from L.A., my roommate and I had our own yard sale. It wasn't exactly a rip-roaring success but it did make me realize that people having yard/garage sales don't mind people pawing through their stuff...they just want them to buy things. So, I'm going to happily peruse. I'm hoping for some kitchen bargains. You never know. There are an awful lot of gifts out there that people don't know what to do with so I'm hoping to run into some hidden bargains. My sister and her husband are always finding things like garage door openers for $3 or kids clothes for fifty cents. It should be fun.

I went house hunting again last night. I think I found a place. It needs a little modernizing and personalizing and even some updating but, overall, it's a bargain and it has the loveliest yard. It's in a quiet neighbourhood that is walking distance from a big park. There are woods behind the house that I would be able to cut through to get to the park. I'm hoping to find out more about it but it was one of those finds that...just felt right.

So, again, I'm trying to emphasize the positive in my life and ignore the negative. I had my wallow. I had my vent. It's time to move on. I have a new idea for writing; I'm taking a temporary break from the novel on which I'm currently working. Until I can figure out what shape my ABNA book is really in since my feedback is so conflicting, I don't feel confident or even comfortable writing a new novel that features one of the same characters. He doesn't mind too much. He may even feature in the new idea I have which might be a lighter, sunnier effort than I usually write.

Regardless of what happens with that, the most important thing is that the ideas are still flowing through me, my characters still whisper in my ears. A bad review didn't stop any of that but, rather, had the opposite effect for which it was intended. It makes me WANT to write, to say "screw you!" to the the world of negativity from which reviews like mine arose.

My good friend and former roommate recently gave me a kids book called The Carrot Seed. It's about a little boy who plants a seed that everyone says will not grow. He watches it for a long time and nothing happens. Everyone tells him to give up. Then, one day, the carrot seed DOES grow because the little boy never gave up on it. She gave me the book to remind me that no matter how many people naysay my writing, one day, it WILL grow. I keep that book on my desk when I write. I read it the other night after I got my review. I love that book. I love my friend for giving me that book. It's a simple lesson but one that is important to remind ourselves during every step of life: Don't give up on something you believe in because, eventually, your faith and belief will pay off.

So, with that in my mind and the sunny weekend looming ahead, life feels good. I've now had a good half-an-hour of good, peaceful, sunny calm and I know that more is ahead. I hope it is for you too.

Happy Friday.

Two weeks to go...

It's very nearly the end of the week already. It's been a fast week, it seems. I'm still trying to get a grip on this Ohio weather; one minute, it's 75 degrees out there, the next, it's 38 degrees and I'm shivering. It snowed on Sunday, actually; it was only a brief flurry but it was still bizarre to see it falling on the daffodils and hyacinths. It's such a contrast, the sunny warm flowers and the icy cold precipitation. Naturally, it's a contrast I love.

Aside from the weird weather, it's been an odd week. I've still been going onto the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award message boards just to see if there is any news or interesting posts. At the moment, the conversation is all a little blah. It's still an amazing feeling to be in the quarterfinals; I've been getting some awesome reviews on my excerpt. I have a few from friends and family but there's also some rather generous reviews from complete strangers. When I see that I have another review, my heart always skips a beat as I wonder if it'll be a good one. So far...it's all good. It's a little alarming and yet also feels amazing.

This round in the contest is suppose to be about the reviewers from Publishers' Weekly reading our entire manuscript. That alone gives me a teeny bit of confidence because while the beginning of my novel, the excerpt that is posted, is a good beginning, the action and story takes place right after that introduction. One reviewer said that they felt like I didn't show enough of how my main character was reacting to what was happening to him....the hard part about that is that while it's constructive criticism, that reviewer really needed to read the book to figure out why, exactly, I couldn't let the reader see things from his point of view. He's an interesting character, that's all I'd say and he's not actually what he seems. That becomes clear as the book goes on....I hope.

So, it's a pleasure to read those comments and the feedback people have been kind enough to leave. It's helping me as a writer because I'm getting perspective on how people are reading what I've posted, what they're seeing as opposed to what I see.

I've even done a little reviewing on my own of some of my competition. I'm trying to read excerpts that don't seem to be receiving a lot of attention. As it was before the last round of eliminations, the forums have become something of a popularity contest again. While most of the 'clique' that I blogged about before have cut back on their postings if they even post at all, there's a new inner circle, all pimping their works, trying to get reviews. Some of the excerpts have up to 40 reviews. Mine has nine. Considering, at this point, the reviews are supposed to be for feedback only and votes won't count until the final round, I think that's a respectable amount. I thought I'd be lucky to get one review, to be honest. I'm happy with my nine. I'm really hoping that the rules are true, that Publishers Weekly is judging the works on their own merit, not on who is the best salesperson because some of those folks out there...they can SELL!

(As I side note, as I've read and been told before, I know that at some point, all writers have to be salesmen for their own work. I know marketing is as important as getting published these days. However, at this stage, in the contest, I'm still suffering the delusion that it's still about the writing. If it is a delusion, it's a delusion that helps me get through the day.)

As I've said, some of the excerpts I've read, I've greatly enjoyed. There are some really talented writers in the competition and reading their works is a bit daunting. Stiff competition, it's definitely out there.

I confess, I've checked out a couple of the excerpts with a high-volume of reviews and, well, I didn't leave a review on either. There's a reason for this; a couple of weeks ago, there was a discussion about why you shouldn't leave a 'bitter' review. Several people who were eliminated in the last round were accused of leaving negative reviews because they were bitter. Eventually, this turned into a discussion of whether it was better to leave constructive criticism or none at all. I don't know what the verdict was but I know I slunk away from the forum with the distinct impression that no one was going to say anything really negative because they were likely to be flogged in the forums for it. So rather than leaving a negative review on the popular excerpts, I left nothing. It's not that the popular excerpts are bad per se...they're just...average. Yet they have so many glowing reviews that I started to feel like perhaps I just wasn't getting it and that maybe I was already biased because of their forum postings. Thus, it wasn't right to leave a review that was likely to paint me as 'bitter'.

And I'm not bitter. I'm ecstatic to be included in this round of quarterfinalists. I'm revelling in the 'anniversary' of my notification every Tuesday with a glass of wine or, if I have it, even inexpensive champange. It's my way of toasting my success and reminding myself how blessed and lucky I am to have made it this far. I lurk in the forums but I don't post; I just like to keep up, make sure I'm not missing anything. We have two weeks left before the next round of cuts. I won't lie and say that I don't care if I make it. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be writing posts on my experience in the contest.

I do care. I've made it this far; to keep going...that would be unbelievable. Yet, I'm working myself up, conditioning myself to know that the chances are stronger that I won't make it and, if I don't, I will not wallow. I will not dwell. I got further than ever before and once you get to stand on a ladder, getting back off, even when you're only standing on the bottom rung, seems a little more difficult than before when you've had a brief, shiny look at the sky above

So thanks to anyone reading this if you did review my excerpt...this is not a blog to say "Thanks but it means nothing," it's a blog to say it does mean something...to me. It means that people took the time to read my work, give me feedback and note that they believe in me as a writer. If that's all I get out of being in the quarterfinals...then that is something to which it's worth toasting with a glass of wine.

It's always nice to have an excuse to drink, anyway.

Happy Thursday!

So...I got this Email....

So. I have this Blackberry phone that I got last week after leaving my nice LG Chocolate phone on a Delta aeroplane. I'm an audio person. I like to have my phone make different noises when I get messages and phone calls. I have this little 'chirp' that it does when someone Instant Messages me. At 3:02 a.m. I heard that chirp. I'm a light sleeper, it woke me up.

I do have a point. Bear with me.

I had gone to bed fairly early. I haven't been sleeping well and I was tired. I had spent the evening watching House and 24 and resolutely tried not to be glued to my email and the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award message boards. You see, yesterday was the date they were notifying the quarterfinalists. I had made a vow that I would be ok with the outcome because just the fact I had enough novels finished and edited that I could choose which one to submit was an accomplishment. I felt pretty good.

By the time I went to bed at 11 p.m. EST, ABNA administration had still not notified us. I decided that I'd wait until the morning. Then, at 3:02 a.m., I woke up to check because of my Blackberry chirping. It turned out that it was a spammer. At least I think it was; I didn't recognize the weird number attached to the request and anyone who knows me should know that at 3:02 a.m. I'm not really in the mood to chat on my Blackberry because, you know, I'm sleeping. It's quite a common thing to do at that time of night, believe it or not.

However, while I was groggily looking at my Blackberry, I decided to check my email. I had an email from ABNA. I skimmed it, thinking it was a rejection. Then after I'd closed it, it occurred to me that the word "happy' had been used. I was pretty certain that the ABNA administration wasn't sadistic enough to say they were happy to reject me so I read it again. Yes, ABNA administration is pleased to inform me I MADE THE TOP 500 quarterfinalists! Even if the 10,000 entry limit hadn't been reached, I had managed to get through on my pitch and then, when given to reviewers to read, they liked it. They even compared me to Neil Gaiman. If you read my blog regularly, you'll know I love Neil Gaiman's writing. He's my favourite writer aside from J.K. Rowling.

Needless to say, at the moment, I'm on cloud 9. I didn't expect this. My optimist glass is worn a little thin these days and I find myself relying on the pessimist glass instead. I think this means I get to throw that one away for a while and get a new half-full one. I actually submitted under a pseudonym as an experiment. I'm going by Sam Hoffmann, and my book is a fantasy entitled "Sleep". It's open to customer reviews so if you get a chance, pop on and read my excerpt. You can view it here: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B001UG3CFS .

I don't think I have to tell you I'm in shock. I am. I'm also ridiculously happy. I am sad for those that didn't make the cut though; from what I read, there was some tremendous competition and I'm honestly flattered and honoured that my entry was selected. I'm sure there were some great entries that slipped through the cracks. I was one of those last year and I know that feeling of deflated disappointment. I refuse to be superior and say I'm better. I'm not. More than anything, I feel like I won a raffle; my number was picked and I won a prize. I think good writing is involved but one thing I've learned since I started seriously writing and trying to get published is that I'm one of millions of good writers who are struggling to get read.

I will say that it really is about perseverence. I've whined about giving up writing a few times in this blog but when it comes down to it, I don't think I can. It's such a rollercoaster of highs and lows. I never like rollercoasters until I'm on one. I usually panic, kick up a stink and make myself nervous the whole way through the line waiting to ride. Then, as soon as it starts moving, I realize I do like that adrenaline rush a lot; it makes me feel alive

For me, this is my very first success with fiction. Even if I don't go further, I got this far. I got a review of a book I wrote that made me feel like a real writer. I got compared to Neil Gaiman. To me, that's a success in itself. I won't lie and say I don't want to make the next round, I do. Badly. Yet if I don't, I have something to boost me when I'm down. I've said all along that when success does comes for me, I'll appreciate more because of my struggle to get it. It's true. At the moment, I can't figure out who to thank at the moment, God, my mum, my sister, my friends and the strangers who've read my blog and offered me words of support. So I'll thank all of them/you. It's that kind of day.

Happy Tuesday.

Three Days to ABNA Quarterfinals

It's Friday, a Friday the 13th to be exact. I didn't realize that it was Friday the 13th until I heard it on the radio. We had one of those last month. It turned out to be a rather lucky day because that was the day I found out that I wasn't going to lose my job as I had feared.

I'm hoping that today might be a lucky day too though I'll have to wait to see how the day unfolds. I know on Monday I'm going to try to focus greatly on not stressing about the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award contest. The semi-finalists are supposed to be notified on Monday. I don't want to care, I don't want to stress and yet a teeny-tiny part of me is hoping that I at least made the quarter-final rounds.

I hadn't been on the forums on the ABNA site for a while so I went on yesterday, just to see what was happening. One of the entrants in the contest is also an Amazon reviewer (known as Vine reviewers) and though she can't review any of the ABNA entries this year because of conflict of interest, she still has access to the reviewer forums. Yesterday, she was kind enough to post just a few of the comments that had been made by the Vine reviewers who are judging the ABNA entries. I thought it was nice of her. She made a point of saying it was only about 10% of the reviewer's opinions but the forum exploded in a mess of stress and panic anyway. Apparently, the Vine reviewers were fed up of first-person narratives and stories, women finding themselves after a midlife crisis and stories that were filled with profanity and bad language.

As is natural, the commentors on the forum began defending their own use of first-person narrative. They began to argue whether it was ok to use bad language in writing. They began to offer up examples of successful novels that defied what the Vine reviewers had said. I can't say I can't relate: The first thing I did when I read the Vine reviewer's comments was to mentally run through my novel and remind myself that I tend to write in third-person as a rule. I hadn't written a book about a women in a midlife crisis. I probably used a little profanity but only because that's how my character's talk. They're 20-30 something males who've had rather unhappy lives, they're going to say some bad words once in a while.

However, had I chosen to do any of those things in my novel that the Vine reviewers hadn't liked, I'm not sure that I would be one of those people stressing and getting defensive in the forums. Firstly, I tend to lurk and not post because of the constant thread hijacking, because I'm not fond of cliques because I find them a tad off-putting and intimidating and mostly because after my humbling experience last year, I am a little shy because there are some semi-professional writers in there who are way more experienced than me. Yet the main reason is as the initial generous poster said, it was only about 10% of the reviewers. For all we know, the other 90% of those Vine reviewers might have hated third person narratives, fantasy books, romances....any of the myriad of other things that weren't mentioned in the original post.

But I can't make fun of those people because I do understand them. We're getting close to the wire. It's like when you're waiting for an event to start, something you're so excited about that you've barely been able to wait. It's like you're waiting for something, anything to happen on that stage in front of you so that the waiting is over. A backstage worker comes out to adjust something and the whole house goes quiet for a second wondering if things are finally going to start. Warm-up music filters over the waiting audience and for a moment, you wonder if it means things have begun. Everything is something to get excited about because it's the only way to deal with the waiting. Yet it has been my experience that the event is always worth waiting for and when the lights finally do go down and the band or show begins to play, you'll know when it's happening and suddenly all that tension and excitement seems so worth it.

At least that's what I'm hoping on Monday evening. If not, well, I'll keep trying. One thing I've learned after my last brush with rejection is that I need to stop dwelling on those and write anyway. Whether short story, helping with a research paper on Machiavelli or a new idea for a novel, as long as I can find enjoyment from putting down words on paper, I think that means I've already won. When those words start flowing and I don't have to think, there's nothing like it in the world. Maybe it's not really about winning contests or getting published. Maybe the big event is the excitement of letting my passion for writing out, to weave the stories they find as they leave my brain and hit the paper. Whether it is or not, I like the idea anyway so that's what I'm going to believe, no matter what happens with the ABNA contest.

Happy Friday!

ABNA: Oh, the Drama!

So, being the middle of the week, I have nothing specific in my mind to blog about again. I suppose I should plan these things a little better but, at the same time, the randomness of just writing is actually quite fun. Thus, as long as you don't mind, I'll continue to muse about whatever strikes me.

Not too much is going on with me at the moment which is probably for the best. I did get one more rejection since the crippling one from last week but the generic language was actually a comfort when I compared it to the specific critique/criticism from the previous rejection. In a little under two weeks, the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award (ABNA) will move onto the next stage and up to 9,500 of us will be rejected. I'm trying to be an optimist and hope that I did, at least, make it to the top 2,000 contestants. This year, the quarterfinalists aren't notified the way they were last year; Amazon won't notify anyone until the top 500 semi-finalists have been selected. If we made the first cut, we'll have access to our message box or something on Createspace, the print-on-demand company that co-sponsors the contest. I'd like to make that cut at least but having read a few of the excerpts, this year there are a lot of good writers in there and there's a lot of competiton.

However, even if I don't make it through, it's been an interesting experience this year just lurking and occasionally posting in the forums. Over the past week, it has been a little less civilized and a little more "America's Next Top Writer". For anyone who's never watched "America's Next Top Model" or the UK version, the show takes twelve somewhat plain girls and turns them into Tyra Banks' version of supermodels. In the beginning, the contestants get along, sweetly attempting to be friends and playing nice for the cameras. There is always one girl who doesn't want to play nice with others because she's "In it to win it!" As the show progresses and the number of models gets narrowed down after a weekly elimination, the true colours of the girls start coming out. I know it's all made far more dramatic for the camera but, trust me, you cannot put a bunch of competitive girls in a house and expect them to play nice forever. I've had roommates, good ones and bad ones. No matter how much you love them, you will fight.

The Amazon Breakthough Novel Award message boards (or forums, whichever term you prefer) have started to deteriorate into catfights. I must confess, it's actually quite interesting to lurk. After all, these are writers and the way they fight/verbally spar/insult each other is always rather clever. It makes for good reading.

I'm not sure I know exactly what happened on the boards but I've managed to figure out that someone posted about the cliques on the board. I must confess, I, too, have been board to tears with these cliques. I won't name names but there's a group of about 10-15 posters who know each other from last year. I admire their camraderie but it gets to be rather obnoxious. For example, I posted in a forum that was discussing the hard process of getting published and how it sometimes makes you doubt yourself. It was a good discussion. Then one of the 'clique' joined in and it became a series of about 30 posts where they were all going to get "Nekkid" with one another. I'm sure it was hilarious but it pretty much ended the discussion. I've seen it happen on countless other forums. I'm not jealous of the camraderie but part of me wishes they'd just stick to the countless discussion threads they've created that are inside jokes to the clique and stay off the serious discussion unless they have something of value to say.

The clique isn't unwelcoming but they are hard to interrupt. Once the group starts a series of 'sillyness' in the thread, the thread loses its luster and few people get to contribute. There are some brave souls who push through but I can't be bothered. Now I just scan the thread headings, see if there's anything of interest and leave.

Back to the drama of the forums. After this initial discussion of the clique, it started to get a little bitter. Sides were defined. The side that favoured the "cliques" and the side that was anti-clique. Needless to say, it got a little heated. It was almost a war. I haven't looked this morning but it was still going on last night. Writers can be rather sarcastic. They can be rather mean. Several regular posters have attempted to make peace, to start new discussions that are not snarky exchanges about secret identities and what-not. Unfortunately, these discussions are being replaced by flaming posts that are the equivalent of using rocket-launchers during hand-to-hand combat. I'm all for freedom of speech but I think maybe it would be good to have a moderator on the boards once in a while, not a just kindly poster whose peacemaking attempts are flattened by by a train of defensive attempts to state 'the truth'.

However, from an outsider's point of view, it's the literary equivelent of watching the Jerry Springer show only with far better grammer and less chairs being thrown. Though given some of the barbs I've read, these are the verbal equivelent of chairs being thrown.

I admire the creativity I'm seeing here. I can't help but wonder if it could possibly be channeled into something a little more useful like, say, a new novel but, at the same time, people are getting a little antsy about the upcoming eliminations and this is the manifestation of their stress. As a lurker, I'm not going to choose sides but I will say it's not black and white. I do find it fascinating that the proxy ringleader of the 'anti-clique' side is making such a huge deal about his identity. He/she goes by the name R.E.Cluse and is adamant that he wants anonymity. It's started a guessing game as to whether this R.E.Cluse is actually someone well known. Personally, I think he/she is just another hopeful like us, a decent writer but someone who is loving the attention and the chance to grandstand in the forums. He/she even posted an excert for everyone to read about someone who's having a bad experience in an online forum. It's decently written but it's a little too personal. As writers, it's extremely tempting to want to eviscerate our enemies, those who've wronged us in fiction. Creating thinly veiled characters based on these people is easy and it's therapeutic. However, after you do it, a few months later, you feel guilty or the piece has lost its meaning. The heat of the moment is good for writing but it shouldn't be something so personal that it can hurt someone. I prefer to use that kind of energy and passion to create something new, something unrelated to that which has riled me up. Angry writing can be the best writing of all but there's a fine line between literary therapy and slander.

I don't have a clue what will happen on March 16th. If I get the elusive email that says I've made it through, I'll be ecstatic. And, if not, I'm going to treat it as an experience. After all, I have written enough novels that I could actually choose which to submit. I suppose I was brave enough to put my work out there. These are things to be excited about.

Regardless of what type of email I do get, I will say thank you to all the other entrants for keeping me entertained on the forums. While some of you are a little scary, you're also providing entertainment which, as writers, you're supposed to do. You writing is getting out there, people are reading it though I think, perhaps, it might not be what you had in mind. Nevertheless, I say Fight on, people. Fight on!

Happy Wednesday

Life Gets in the Way Sometimes....

Today is one of those days where I have no clue what to blog about. Life has been so stressful lately that it's hard to step back and realize that now that I know I have a job, I can relax. It's never easy to command yourself to relax, though. There's always something to worry you.

For me, it's my writing. I haven't written anything new in a while. I've been editing for the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award (ABNA). That was pretty fun but once I was done, I was done. I've been lurking on the boards and there are some people out there who are nuts about editing. Even after they'd submitted their entry, they were tweaking until the final deadline. Some people even want to know if the contest administrator's can open up the process again once finalists have been selected so they can tweak a little.

Personally, I have a bit of an issue with this. I know the contest is for new writers, unpublished writers, writers who haven't had luck with traditional routes of publishing. I know that the desire to have a perfect novel is driving, it's demanding, it can obsess you. No novel will ever be perfect though some have come close. I know the need to edit can be strong. Yet, at some point, you have to stop. Like any other submission whether it be to agent, publisher or magazine, you're supposed to submit your best effort. You don't submit to a magazine and say, "oh, hey, I rewrote this section of my story, I'd like to submit it again, please", do you? Well, maybe you do but you shouldn't be doing that because chances are the editor will say "why did you bother submitting in the first place if it wasn't your best effort?" and they'll reject you.

I understand that some writers discovered ABNA later and had to quickly submit their manuscripts. That was me last year. I had a week to register, edit and upload. It was a tight deadline but it was the most fun periods of my writing life. Having a deadline is awesome in a way. It makes you feel like a real writer, someone who has to get their work done no matter what and if you don't, you lose out. However, once I was done editing, I was done. My novel probably needed more editing but I had done the best I could. I was proud to submit it. Granted, my experience last year wasn't stellar as I documented here, but I learned and, for a brief time, had some hope.

So I get it. I get why writers can't leave their books alone and can't stop editing but there comes a point when you have to. For me, I've learned that I can't edit when I finish a novel. I have to put it away for a long time, from six months to a year, and then edit. It's easier then. I find the errors, I find the clunky passages, I find the extraneous pop-culture references that would easily date my story and so I take them out. Yet on a cold and heartless note, I can't help but want to say to those constant tweakers and rewriters on the ABNA message boards, if you weren't happy with it, why did you submit it?

Then I have regret at being so mean. After all, not everyone is the same. For me, I can't submit anything I don't fully believe in. I can't submit something that doesn't feel like it's ready. If I did, I'd basically feel like I was throwing my lot in just for the heck of it. You know, there's nothing wrong with that. It's not a bad option. Yet if that was the option I chose, I'd also try to keep the mindset that whatever happens, happens and if I don't get anywhere then maybe I should have spent more time on the manuscript/story before I threw it out there.

The contest is proving to be an interesting experience, even when I'm just lurking on the message boards. Once again, the forums have been hijacked by the same few people. The people are funny and they have a rapport with each other but it does make it a little intimidating to jump in sometimes. Yet it's still fun to learn about the entrants. They range from complete beginners who shyly post questions on the boards to the more professional writers who can share their stories about bad agents and publishing feats. Last year's winner, Bill Loehfelm is even showing up on the board, always dispensing smart, seasoned advice.

It's fun to read what people have to say. I like to read the advice they give, especially from the writers who have had success. This year, I'm bound and determined not to be mean and snarky. Last year, I read some of the pitches and wondered who on earth would read that book. Then I realized after I got booted out that people probably said that about my pitch. This year, I'm taking everything and trying to learn, to see what I could do better and learn from other writers. That's not easy for me. I don't like to play well with others as I've said before. However, those others have had more success than me, thus they have to be doing something right.

Now I'm done editing, it's a waiting game again. I'm waiting to see if I get booted out again or if maybe, just maybe, my pitch is actually strong enough this year.

In the meantime, I want to write yet...I can't. I've sent out queries and am waiting on those. I made a deal to myself that I wouldn't write another novel until I'd tried hard to sell the ones I have. Yet I haven't. I'm getting nothing back from my queries. I don't know why. I feel paralyzed. Part of me wonders what the point of writing another novel or story is and the other part want to get lost in a new work.

Yet I can't. Not at the moment. And I don't know why. I have ideas but nothing seems worth spending the time on. I should just write through it like I have in the past, push through the block. I've never truly believed in writer's block because there are tricks to getting through it. The block I have right now is my own making. I've let the stress of life get in the way and now it's fixed fast in my path. I need to find a way to ignore it and then the block will go away.

It'll pass. Eventually. In the meantime....I'll just keep waiting, trying and hoping. Wish me luck with that.

Happy Tuesday.

The Art of Actually Exercising....

This is one of those days where I don't really have anything in mind to blog about. I've decided to not mention snow for a little while as I think I might have done enough of that last week. Also, I think my mother is growing strongly hostile at the mere mention of it and I'd like to appease her for a while since, no matter how hard I try, I can't get her to appreciate the pretty stuff.

So, last night, I got my entry done for the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award. I'm very excited. I'm not excited because I expect to get anywhere though, on a very biased and opinionated note, I think I deserve to make the next round 'cause I like my entry a lot. I'm excited because I was able to meet a deadline and, as a result, I have a cleaner, tighter version of my manuscript and a great query letter to go with it.

I may wait a few days before sending out the query letter though. I like this happy feeling of elation I've got going and instantaneous rejection would definitely put a damper on that.

I have a sneaking suspicion my happy mood may also be a result of exercising. Yes, Captain Monkeypants has been exercising.

You may think...."So"? Let me tell you, it's actually quite an accomplishment for me to make it to the actual exercising part. Here's an example of a thought process that might explain why:

Captain Monkeypants' brain: Hey, I should work out. Yes, that would be good. Then I could get rid of this burgeoning tummy and get some good abs so that I'm not embarrassed to wear a tight shirt or a swimsuit. Great idea! I think I'll do that. But how? Well, I have some exercise videos but they involve jumping and since I have the grace of an elephant and live on the second floor of an apartment building, it might be a bit loud for my downstairs neighbours. Hmm....well, how about that new exercise bike I got so I could start working out while watching TV? Oh! Good idea! But there's nothing on TV at the moment. Yet I have DVD's. What shall I watch? Oh, crap, I still haven't got "Gilmore Girls" season 7 and I just finished re-watching Season 6. Hmm...no Gilmore Girls then. How about "Buffy"? Nah....just watched "Buffy" not long ago. How about a movie? No, 'cause then I'd feel compelled to finish it even when I'm not working out anymore and I had plans to write tonight, no it'd have to be TV on DVD. How about "Veronica Mars"? Oooh! Good idea! Oh, crap, now it's 6 p.m. If I work out for a half hour then shower, it'll be 7 p.m. Then I wanted to watch "House" at 8 p.m. right? And, crap!, after "House" is "24" and that means I won't get to write at all tonight if I work out now. Hmm....maybe I'm right. Maybe I should just work out tomorrow and make sure to start earlier....

And, sadly, this is not an exaggeration. It's very, very easy to talk myself out of exercising. And yes, I am aware that I think way too much about television but, frankly, for me, that's my way of relaxing and since I now have narrowed my viewing down to a mere five hours a week of scheduled programming, I don't think that actually qualifies me as a couch potato, surprisingly enough.

Yet, now, for about four weeks, I have been exercising. I'm now doing between four and six miles on my little bike thingy. It's quite fun. I also do ab exercises though I haven't blown up the giant exercise ball thing I got at a garage sale for $3, brand new. I'm a bit afraid of that ball. I don't have that much room in my apartment and it's a big ball. I'm also afraid that if I try and use the ball, it will lead to painful reminders of my lack of coordination. I always wanted to be coordinated and used to do ballet and gymnastics as a child. However, I fear, even then, I was never terribly coordinated or graceful. I had the enthusiasm just not the gift. Mostly, I'm afraid if I use the big ball, I will try to follow the pictures that came with it, lay on top of it and then have it go rolling across the room, leaving me to splat down onto my bottom, back or whatever body part lands first.

So, you see, for me, exercise isn't really something that comes naturally. Once I start and I get in a routine, it's easy to keep going provided the routine isn't interrupted for more than a day. If I am interrupted by a vacation, event, whatever, I begin to make excuses for why I don't get back into the routine: "I'm too tired," "I did a lot of walking, that's my exercise," "Oh, I'll start again tomorrow," and so on.

However, when I am exercising, I begrudgingly admit that the experts are right, exercise does help physically and mentally. It's those endorphin things. It reminds me of that quote from Legally Blonde: "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands."

Ok, so I don't have a husband nor do I own a gun. The worst that happens when I don't exercise is that I get a bit heavier and I start feeling unhappy about things like my writing. Yet, while I am exercising, I do feel a little more optimistic and upbeat. Now I just have to make sure I stick to it. My record is about six months of steady exercising...then I stop. Wish me luck.

Happy Tuesday.

Icy Days and Mondays

Once more, 'tis a Monday. It feels like a Monday already and I haven't even been up that long. When I went out to start my car this morning, I realized that the parking lot of my building had turned into an ice-rink overnight. It was warmer yesterday and a lot of ice started to melt. Naturally, since the temperature dropped below freezing last night, it all froze again. This makes it very difficult to wear my heeled boots that I'm wearing 'round the office this week. Since our company is being sold, our potential buyer (and, hopefully, employer) is in our offices for the next week so we're forbidden to dress the way we normally dress which is to say that we can't just wear jeans and sweatshirts. We're having to look nice and, for me, that means my heeled boots.

So, as has been my habit, I wore my snow boots to start my car and to drive to work. Once again, I ran into my stray. He was not ice-skating around the parking lot. If he had been, I might have been more pleased to see him. The problem is, I can't get away from him. There are at least 25 people in my building. The only one I ever see is him. Don't get me wrong, he's perfectly nice but he's also very friendly. He lives with three other young men and from the sounds of it, they're a little frat-boy-ish, at least judging from the noise that comes from upstairs. They're young. Very young, compared to me. On Saturday, I was coming home and it was almost 12:45 a.m. He was just going out with his buddies and asked me to join them.

Now, it was a nice invitation but here's the thing. I'm in my thirties. Getting in at 12:45 a.m., for me, is really late. I like to go to bed at a decent time and wake up fairly early. I'm not a night owl anymore. Needless to say, I declined. Also, now I feel old. Really old.

My ice-skating stray also likes to knock on my door to see if I want to go get coffee. Again, it's kind of him but being a rather private person, I'm not big on drop-ins. I like my privacy. I lived in a college dorm in which it was normal to knock on a neighbours' door to see if they wanted to do something. Now I'm an adult, I tend to like to have my uninterrupted time at home to do what I want. If I plan something, that's different but when I'm home, I'm home and unless it's someone I actually want to see, I don't like surprise knocks on my door. And yes, I am aware that this makes me into an official Old Grump but, well, it's true.

I should probably defend my grumpiness and remind y'all that I call myself a writer which means I...say it with me now....write. When I'm home and I'm writing, I don't like to be interrupted. It's difficult to get a flow going when there's people around and even a friendly knock on the door can be a stumbling block.

Yesterday, I spent a very long time getting my manuscript ready for the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award contest. It was finished but I had to give it a polish and since I never could hold of my edited hard copy, I had to do it from scratch. On the plus side, I'm really happy with how it's turned out and I think it's definitely my most polished novel. It's the last one I finished which is quite a contrast because I had originally intended to enter the first novel I ever wrote and until two weeks ago, I'd been editing that manuscript like crazy only to discover that losing 15,000 words was just not going to be possible to meet the contest rules. It's amazing how much my writing has changed over the last eight years. It's definitely more mature and I use bigger words now, take the time to describe things rather than rush at the story like there's no tomorrow. I'm not sure what's best, only that I love all of the stuff I've written, especially when it's been edited.

I'm hoping to get it entered tonight. Since I had to get a pitch ready, I got to tweak an already existing query letter and, I have to say, it's better. It means I have another letter to send to agents in hopes that just one of them wants to take a chance on me. If not, well, I suppose I'll just keep trying and hope that the urge to jump off a cliff doesn't strike me during the rejection process. The timing of those cliff-jumping urges can be incredibly bad.

Seriously, though, I'm going to try and be more positive for the rest of the day, even though it's a Monday. It's a new week, a new month, actually. It's the shortest month of the year which means I'm a little closer to my next paycheck and we're a little closer to watching the daffodils bloom amidst the melting snow. As much as I love my snow, there's something cleansing about watching the final heavy layer melt and reveal the refreshed world beneath. As a child, those days were marked by getting to wear knee socks with my skirts rather than the heavy winter tights my mum liked me to wear. As an adult, they're marked by the freshness of a spring breeze, the green of the grass and the buds on the trees.

Yet for now, there's a chance of snow tonight and I'm hoping it will make for more traction on the ice outside my building. In the meantime, I can always hope to find my stray ice-skating outside.

Hey, there's nothing wrong with hope, right?

Happy Monday.

At Least Let us Sing Before you Boot us off the Stage!

Is it sad that I'm already ready for the weekend? I know I've only been at work for one day this week but I'm really ready for another couple of days off. I don't think that's a reflection of my job but, rather, that I actually stopped to appreciate the slowness of life this past weekend and I don't quite think I'm ready to give it up.

Still, if it were a normal week, it'd only be Tuesday rather than Wednesday so I'm going to try very hard to appreciate that fact today.

Last night, I took a look at my novels to see which one I was going to enter in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award contest. That's the nice thing about having a pile of them; there's several to choose from. My original intention was to enter my favourite one, Rainlight, but I've since realized that chopping out over 14,000 words will not be easy nor will I be satisfied with the finished product. I'd rather keep it as is and try to shop it around. I sent out some more queries on it. Sometimes I do wonder why the agents and publishers make us bother; I get the feeling that the query letters we send are rarely actually read and digested but, instead, are skimmed but when they see we're yet unpublished, we get the badly xeroxed letter or the standard email rejection.

I'd like to believe that it is possible to get an agent to read my letter and the first ten pages I send. That's why I keep trying. I'm not bitter at the moment, just frustrated that this should be so hard when the writing is so easy. I've been told that I should go to conventions to meet agents. I would love to but given that the average entrance fee is at least $300 and I pretty much live paycheck to paycheck trying not to incur more debt, it's not as easy as just signing up for one.

That's not going to stop me though. At the very least, there's the Amazon contest. The nice thing about being a somewhat seasoned writer (even without any publishing credit) is that I have almost everything ready to go. They want a pitch this year- essentially, that boils down to the meat of a query letter. Since I'm the queen of queries, that's the easy part. I have one of the potential novel candidates already edited and ready to go. I might have the other one I'd like to try edited too. The only thing with that is I can't find my hard copy with my edits scrawled across it. I have a sneaking suspicion I loaned that to a friend before I left California but said friend isn't returning my emails or calls to confirm. I think the only thing to do is to hit the manuscript freshly and re-edit, just in case. That's not exactly torture, to spend hours with those characters.

And if I get rejected from Amazon again this year, I will try very hard not to be too depressed, too bitter or too disheartened. I will try not to be jealous of fictional characters who magically send a manuscript to an agent and voila! publishing contract.

(That just happened in that book I mentioned on Friday, The Baker's Apprentice. One of the characters happens to write a memoir/fictional novel and sends it off to an agent. The agent likes it but wants it completely rewritten. Then after the rewrite is done, the writer gets a nice-sized publishing deal.)

I'm sure that happens. However, all the writers I know, including myself, never quite get that chance to completely rewrite the manuscript to change points-of-view and structure. We just get the "thank you for submitting. Unfortunately, we do not feel we are the right agents for your work" email. For us, it's like getting to the auditions for American Idol, filling out our form and being rejected before we're even allowed to sing because we're not pretty enough for TV or we aren't wearing the right clothes.

Ok, so maybe I am a teensy bit bitter. Maybe I'd like the chance to get to 'sing for the judges' before they decide I'm not worthy. Maybe I don't want to be the girl who wears a bikini just to get Simon Cowell's attention or the person who dresses up in a Star Wars costume just to prove I'm unique.

Maybe I, like so many other fledging writers, just want the chance to "sing", to prove that while I might not have a famous name or face, I can write and my novels are worth reading. Then, if I'm rejected, I'll at least feel like I had a fair chance. That's not to much to ask, is it?

Ah well, 'tis all experience. That much I do know. One of these days, my efforts will pay off. Until then, I'll keep dreaming and writing. That's all I can do.

Happy Wednesday.