Flying Economy: The New Steerage

So, I have once again decided that I dislike flying. This is nothing new. I’ve blogged about it before. In my novel, Emmy Goes to Hell, I set the entry method to get to Hell at an airport for a reason. I’ve been back from my trip for about 5 days now yet still I’m slightly irked about the steady decline of airline service since I first flew in the 1980’s.

Back then, flying was a treat. It was something exotic. For a kid like me, it was an adventure. They would give out free alcohol to the adults. There were a lot of snacks. The food, never great, was decent and there was a fair amount of it. Airline stewards and stewardesses treated you as though you were a human being. Luggage was something that you could bring and check in and forget about. There was room to sit in a seat with enough space to reach forward and shove something under the seat.

Cut to now. I know airlines have huge budget issues. I know they take huge losses every year. It still doesn’t make it easier to fly and feel a little like you’re a member of a cattle herd.

When I flew to the UK, I had a coach seat because, well, I’m a normal human who simply can’t afford to fly First Class. In the olden days (even up to five years ago), Coach and Economy were the same thing.

Nowadays, there’s not just Economy and Economy Plus. Yes, even the bottom dwellers can get kicked lower.

If you’ve ever seen Titanic you may remember the difference in treatment between the First Class travelers and those in steerage. In between, there were the ordinary people who didn’t have luxury cabins but also weren’t down with the rats in steerage either. Until recently, flying Economy was more like being in this middle section- it was definitely not luxurious but it was functional.

Things have changed now. Steerage class is back. There may not be any rats unless you count the fact that you often feel like you’re treated a bit like one. Economy is the new steerage.

Let me explain. Somewhere in the midst of the airlines starting to struggle for revenue, some bright soul took a look at the layout of the seats in Economy and decided that people did not, in fact, need much legroom and thus added several more rows of seats. This resulted in a traveling experience that made you feel like a sardine. There is little room to lean forward and put your carry-on under the seat without accidentally whacking your heard on the seat in front of you. Merely crossing your legs becomes a bit difficult and I don’t even have very big legs. Bringing down the tray table for an average-sized person is ok- it rests just short of actually hitting you in the abdomen. For larger folks, it often rests on the abdomen.

And then there’s the issue of the reclining seats. Somewhere in this brainchild of taking away the leg-room, they decided that reclining seats should stay. Thus, when the person in front of you reclines their seat, there goes what little room you had left. Even if you put the tray table back up, getting out of your seat to go to the bathroom is rather a difficult thing. There is simply not enough room to squeeze between your seat and the recliner in front of you without feeling like you’re breaking out of a pod of some kind. I was going to use a birthing analogy but decided that would be a little disgusting.

As if this is not humiliating enough, when you get on a plane, they make it perfectly clear that steerage folk (i.e. Economy travelers) are absolutely forbidden to use the bathrooms set aside for the Business Travelers AND the First Class travelers. You must use the bathrooms delegated to your ‘class.’ It’s bad enough that to get to the steerage seats, you have to walk through the cabins of the elite. You see those individual, spaced out little pods where the First Class traveler can fly in comfort, drinking free champagne and getting better food. Even the Business Class is far above steerage- spacy, comfortable seats that provide privacy and comfort. And free champagne.

I’ve never understood that, honestly. Steerage folk can’t even buy champagne on a plane. It’s not offered. We get the choice of red or white wine or a bottle of beer for $7 each. Newsflash: For the most part, those people in First Class are either rich, didn’t pay for their ticket or travel so often they get upgraded and thus, didn’t pay for the upgrade. They can afford to buy the bloody champagne and wine they’re given for free. Also, in their little Pods o’ Flying Comfort, they don’t really need the added tranquilizer for an overnight flight because THEY ARE COMFORTABLE.

Meanwhile, back in steerage, trying to sleep is rather difficult due to the reclined chair in front of you, the fact that you pretty much have to sit with your arms pinned to your sides so you don’t accidentally invade your fellow steerage passenger’s space. Seriously, try sitting with your elbows out a little- you end up bumping your next-door neighbour on one side and, if you’re on the aisle, getting in the way of the drink cart.

To add insult to injury, as I mentioned before, they’ve added Economy Plus. Yes, for a mere $100+, you, too, can buy a little extra space in which you might actually get to put your legs out and have them be semi-straight.

That’s all you get for your $100- the extra leg room. Thus, by First Class standards, it’s still steerage. However, to the Economy Plus traveller, it still affords a little superiority over the less fortunate in Economy who are currently sitting with their knees by their ears, trying to figure out why their video screen keeps going black.

After flying to the UK in an Economy seat, I came to the conclusion that it was one step away from being strapped in the cargo hold as luggage. It’s not that much less comfortable, I’m sure. Sometimes when I was doing aerobic contortions trying to get my bag from under the seat while the person in front of me had reclined and the attendants forgot to pick up the rubbish from our dinner plates, I thought longingly of the days when there was space to do that without pulling a muscle. I couldn’t really sleep because I was so uncomfortable- a glass of wine usually helps but at $7 a glass, it’s a little steep.

So, even though I was furious about having to do so, I paid for the Economy Plus seat on the way back. Since my ticket was paid for by my company in the first place, it was a little easier. Sadly, it was worth it. While I didn’t get a free drink and was delegated to going all the way to the back of the plane to use the bathroom, being able to sit somewhat comfortably was worth it.

I resent having to pay $100 for the freedom to cross and uncross my legs but, sadly, I can see why people do it. Also, I felt like I could look back at the lower class in plain old Economy and gloat.

Until I remember that they were probably $100 richer than me because they hadn’t caved to the Lure of Economy Plus.

I’m a sucker…what can I say. I’m a willing victim of the airlines’ attempt to exort every last dollar out of me merely because I wanted to land in Chicago without feeling like I was a cro-magnon cavewoman, bent over and never able to stand up straight again.

I’d love to hope that some day airline travel will be a luxurious experience again but I’m a realist: I say let’s be glad that we can still go to the bathroom on the plane without depositing a coin and that we aren’t put in the cargo hold because the way things are going, it’s only a matter of time.

Also, they still give you some semblance of free food on those international flights. Note: ALWAYS go with the pasta. It may taste like Chef Boyardee but it’s still better than black, gelatinous beef and dried, blobby chicken.

I suppose, for now, we should be thankful for what we have. Us steerage folks may as well appreciate the small perks such as having a seat at all and being fed and watered. It would be nicer if we weren’t herded through the upper class cabins like cattle, shuffling as we avoid getting whacked in the head by someone shoving their luggage in the overhead while watching them calmly and serenely settle into their individual chairs, drinking free champagne and clearly ready for comfort. When we finally reach the Economy Plus section and realize, sadly, that even that isn’t where we belong, it’s just plain pathetic.

Unless, of course, you pay the $100. Then you belong.

Otherwise…you’re just steerage. Ah well, at least there are no rats.

Happy Friday!

Decisions, Decision

So, I've decided to continue blogging but I'm going to start reducing it from every week day to a couple of blogs a week. I think that might help with the blog burnout factor and help reduce the amount of blogs where I whine. This is not going to count as one of my blogs but I figured that since my last blog was a dither about whether or not to keep blogging, I'd update this with my decision.

So, for now, I'll make this a short and sweet blog without saying much more other than to send out huge thank you's to my parents for helping me have one of those sorely needed weekends where I felt very loved. Sometimes, you need to feel loved and I haven't felt that way lately so it's nice to have it affirmed that no matter how blue you feel, time spent with family can pull you out of it.

Thanks, mum and dad...you are wonderful. Oh, and a belated welcome back mummy-Monkeypants from the UK where she managed to have a bad enough flying experiences that I still feel justified in setting the entrance to Hell in "Emmy Goes to Hell" in an airport.

Happy Monday and thanks, as always, for reading!

Being Grateful for the Good Things...

We're having rather a huge snow storm out there. Since early this afternoon, the snow has been coming down so fast, the plows can't keep up with it and the roads are covered.

Naturally, being the snow-loving Monkeypants I am, I'm not unhappy about it. I am, in fact, rather grateful. If this snow had come one day sooner, I would be stuck in Chicago, thinking about how much I wished I was home, snowed in and enjoying the snowfall.

So, here I am, somewhat snowed in and loving every minute of the snowfall. I had to shovel my drive when I got home from work and, unfortunately, chances are, by the morning, I shall have to shovel again but for now, I'm comfy in my house.

The only bad part about the snow is that it's going to be a bit of a nuisance for weekend travel. I need to go get my pups from my parent's house and with the snow being as bad as it is, it looks like I won't get to go tomorrow evening as planned. I'm hoping it'll be safe by Saturday. Last weekend when I left to drop off the pups, I thought the roads would be fine. However, it got quite windy and the highway that I was on for ten miles before I got to my parents' had blown over with snow and you couldn't tell the road from the ditch.

Needless to say, it was rather scary. It took every ounce of focus to make sure I stayed on the road.

Thus, I don't really want to have to do that again. I'll just have to play it by ear. I have this secret fear that my dogs will no longer want me when I pick them up, that they'll have had such a great time with their 'grandparents' that they won't like me anymore. Either that or they'll be so furious that I 'ditched' them for a week that they'll have disowned me.

I hope I'm just being silly.

I miss the girls being here and watching them run and play in the snow. It feels strange not to have to get up and open the back door for them every five minutes or have them come in, their bellies saturated with packed snow and their noses covered with the white stuff from where they've been digging.

We're creatures of snow, my dachshunds and I. I take so much pleasure in the fact that they enjoy it and don't have any qualms about running out into it, even when the drifts are as deep as they are. They boldly try to stand on top of them but slowly, their legs start to sink and, with enormous effort, they dolphin their way across to the next drift. It's adorable and it makes me smile because they're so determined.

Tonight, they really would have to have been determined. I think they would have had a hard time getting through the snow. Not only is it deep but it's still coming down, fast and furious. My boss let everyone leave early today. He's nice like that and I appreciate it. It was a little sticky to drive home on and shovelling my driveway took time but there's something tremendously satisfying when you drive into the safety of the garage and know that you're done for the evening and you don't have to go out anymore.

I'm just glad that I'm home, not stuck at an airport wondering when I might be able to get home. It just goes to show, as I said yesterday, that even under unpleasant circumstances, things can always be worse. I find if I look at things that way, it makes me incredibly grateful when good things happen.

I could be stuck at an airport, getting angry because my flight is delayed, delayed, delayed and then...cancelled. I could be on the phone at the airport, venting to my mother about how frustrated I am. I could be having to find a hotel room because there's no way I'm landing in Cincinnati tonight.

But I'm not. I'm home, in my comfy sweats, appreciating the snow. I'm very grateful for that.

Happy Friday!

Lessons From Business Trips...

The trouble with travelling is you're never guaranteed an internet connection. This is why I haven't blogged all week. I had no internet. It was a nuisance.

However, I'm back now. Unfortunately, my brain is a wee bit fried having just arrived home a short while ago. Thus, I won't be too deep tonight. In fact, I'm going to be a little bit of a cheater. I'm going to simply make this a list of things I learned on my trip this week.

1) Flying sucks. This is NOT a new revelation. It is, however, a renewed one as it inevitably is whenever I fly. My first plane was cancelled. I was supposed to be rescheduled the next day. Fortunately, I got rebooked for a short while later than my regular plane. Unfortunately, this led to a 3 hour delay in Detroit and arrival at my hotel room six hours later than originally scheduled. However, two of my coworkers who flew out on the morning flight I was originally rescheduled on ended up having major engine trouble. Instead of landing in Chicago, they had to be rerouted to Milwaukee and then were driven down to Chicago in a bus. Moral of this story? There's always someone far worse off than you.

2) A bistro is a cool little cafe. They belong in France, really but you can find nifty bistro-type places all over the place. A bistro is NOT a vending machine. Sticking a sign over a vending machine that says "Bistro" does not make a vending machine anything other than a...vending machine.

3) Travelling with a 23 year-old-coworker is rather like travelling with a child. I had to check him in because he didn't know how. I had to guide him around the airport and tell him what to do for security. Then I ate dinner with him and watched as he drank several long-island iced teas and a beer. I'm glad I'm not 23 anymore.

4) It's nice to like 99.9 percent of your coworkers, including ones from all the branch offices of your company. The .01 % is a woman who was a wee bit intense, scary and very much "LOOK AT ME, I'M FABULOUS" in all of our sessions. Also, she had REALLY scary eyes as in "I'm going to focus on you now and make you think I'm fascinated by what you're saying but, really, I'm planning on how to rip out your heart and eat it."

5) When you're served a five course Italian meal, it's actually relatively easy to avoid eating like a pig. Family style helps because you control the portions. Also, if you don't keep scarfing the appetizers, that helps. However, it's really nice to go out to dinner and have a five course Italian meal.

6) No matter how much I learn, how nice the people are and how comfy my hotel bed, I still miss my dogs.

7) When you're in a hotel room and the TV in the bedroom doesn't work, that sucks.

8) When you have another TV in the hotel room (because it's a suite), that's nice. However, the sad thing is that once upon a time, staying in a hotel room with a flat screen and cable TV was a luxurious treat for me. Now, I have a TV similar to those in hotels and I now have DirectTV. Thus, hotel TV is just...normal. There's something sad and jaded about that.

9) Having an Amazon Kindle makes air travel fabulously easy. It's just a bit of a nusiance to have to turn it off for takeoff and landing but it's a small price to pay for having a ton of books in one handy little gadget.

10) I have to do my job really well this year because if I meet a certain quota by the end of August, I get to join the company all-expense paid trip to London.

12) Even though a hotel claims to offer "free wireless", when you have to pay $14.95 for 12 hours of usage, that's not really free, is it?

13). Meetings in Chicago in January...not the best idea. It was freezing-raining and ice. When you have to wear 'business casual' which includes high-heeled boots, that's a bad plan. Note to my company: Next time, can we have a 'casual' attired affair? Snowboots, chunky sweaters and jeans are way more practical and comfortable for sitting in a room for eight hours and learning stuff.

and, finally...

13. There's not place like home. When you land at your home airport and know your car is only a short distance away which will, in turn, take you home....there's something lovely and comforting in that. Absence makes the heart grown fonder and so does travelling on any airline...

I'm sure there's a lot more things I learned but for now, that's all my brain will allow me to type. It's back to work tomorrow, as usual so I'll be back to my regular blogging schedule. Thanks, as always, for reading!

Happy Thursday!

Nightmares in Travel: United Airlines, Get some New Planes...

It's a Monday morning after a long weekend for me. I had a good time in Las Vegas but it's hard not to have one, especially when you get to see Green Day in concert and they were, as always, fantastic.

Yet, naturally, no trip is perfect and, given my previous grievances against the airlines and my previous travel issues , I guess it was too much to hope that I'd have a smooth trip back, isn't it?

When I booked my trip to Las Vegas, I paid a much, much higher price than I wanted to because there weren't many options. I did end up paying more so that I could leave early in the morning and get home mid-afternoon so that I could have a restful Sunday before I returned to work today.

I should have known better.

On Saturday night, my friend and I decided that there really wasn't too much point in going to bed as I had to be at the airport by 4 a.m. at which point, she could go to the hotel to sleep and I could get on the plane and sleep. So, we unwisely decided to just enjoy the ridiculous lights of Vegas and have fun. We did. By the time I got to the airport, I was tired and ready to sleep on the plane.

When I went to one of the computer check-in stations, I was informed that it would not provide my boarding pass. I had to go to the gate to get it. I wasn't sure why, considering I had booked and paid a lot for my ticket. I do understand when you do one of the super-cheap ticket-buying methods that the airline basically waits to assign a seat when it finds out what's available and this can happen after you've checked in. Yet it shouldn't be the case with regular ticket-buying methods.

Naturally, not having a boarding pass made security a little difficult considering they want to see the boarding pass. I ended up having to dig out my printed itinerary and show them my next flight's ticket- the Chicago to Dayton one. When I showed the TCA man this ticket, he gave me a funny look and said, "You're at the wrong airport" even though I had clearly shown him my itinerary. Finally, he said: "Ok, I'll let you go but you need a boarding pass." Yes, Mr. TCA, thank you for that enlightening piece of information. I tried to smile politely and not be rude because, after all, how was he to know this wasn't my first flight and that I might not know I need a boarding pass to get on a plane?

When I got to the gate, I had to wait for a ticket agent to appear. I waited a while. Finally, one came and I got up to retrieve my boarding pass. She asked my name, glanced at a piece of paper, and literally sniffed at me. "Sit down," she said. "I'll call you in a minute." She immediately turned to her co-ticket-desk-helper and started chatting. I did what I was told. Finally, after about 20 minutes, I was given a boarding pass.

Boarding actually was easy. I got on my plane. I dozed off immediately. I woke up a little while later to realize we weren't moving. We weren't flying. We were just sitting. We sat for a long time more before the pilot drove us back to the gate. We sat there a while. The plane was, apparently, having some kind of technical problem and they had to wait for a part. We waited. Finally, they made us get off the plane.

I was still tired. Yet, like so many other people, I was also a little concerned about my connecting flight and we were all directed to talk to the ticket agent. So, like a good passenger, I got in line even though I really wanted to go to the toilet and I was thirsty. Also, I was only semi-functional, due to sleep deprivation. I waited in line for almost an hour. Literally, as I got to the desk, they announced we were going to re-board again. Yay. So I asked the ticket counter lady where I'd been rebooked so I knew how much time I had once I got to Chicago before my next plane took off. Here's how the conversation went.

Captain Monkeypants: I know we're ready to board but I've been waiting in line. Can you at least tell me when my new connecting flight leaves.
United Airlines Lady: We're ready to board.
Captain Monkeypants: I know but I just waited in this line and I'd like to know.
United Airlines Lady: Sorry, but we're going to board you know.
Captain Monkeypants: So how do we know what's going on in Chicago?

At which point she promptly turned away from me and picked up the microphone thingy and made an announcement that the Chicago United Ticket Desk would help us. There was some irritated stirrings at that. It was quite obvious that this Las Vegas crew was done with us and they were passing the buck and basically telling us to get on the plane and shut up. When I asked again, she announced: "You can look at the monitors in Chicago or talk to a ticket agent to find out when your new connection leaves."

Congratulations, United. That has to be the laziest, most unenthusiastic way of helping your customers I've ever seen. Well done, Las Vegas staff. It's nice to know when things get rough, you pass the responsibility along and ignore us.

Meanwhile, I had to run to the bathroom and sprint back so I could get back on the plane because I'd spent my entire furlough in the airport waiting in a line for no reason.

When we got on the plane again, I was a little less exhausted than before and so I noticed things. When I had attempted to print my boarding pass, I had been asked if I wanted to upgrade to "Economy Plus" with more leg room. I didn't bother because it would have cost me an additional $49. I had fallen asleep the first time I boarded and woken up stiff. When I sat in my seat this time, I realized that in order to shove my backpack under the seat, I literally had to press my head against the seat in front of me because I seriously had just over a foot between me and that seat and that was the only way to get things out from under the seat and put them back again. It seems that United has decided to take away the normal amount of leg room and make it smaller to force people to upgrade if the space is too cramped.

I say this is crap. It's not fair. For the cost of the tickets, the baggage fees, the in-flight food, you'd think you'd at least get a seat where you could stretch your legs without your knees bumping the tray table. But nope. It had to be the most uncomfortable seat I ever had. The thing that worries me is now that they're charging you to be semi-comfortable, are they going to start charging to make it comfortable at all? I mean, what's next, they charge you for the cushions on the seats? Or is it going to be that you have to pay extra to sit at all- otherwise you have to stand up, get strapped to the sides and hold on for dear life. Of course, there's always the option of building planes that have seats like the flight-attendants use for landing/take-off, those hard plastic ones that lower and raise like a tray-table. I bet those are next.

We finally did take off. I discovered when I got to Chicago that I had been rebooked but I wasn't going to get home at the nice 2:30 p.m. time I had intended and scheduled. Instead, i was going to land about 6 p.m. I wasn't happy but it wasn't too late and I could deal with that.

Of course, that's before I sat down at my supposed gate only to find out they'd moved me. I trundled across the airport to sit at the new gate. I was on the phone to Mummy-Monkeypants when I heard the pilot come down from the loading bridge and mumble to the Ticket Desk Man. I heard the word "Maintenance" and my heart sank. I predicted a delay to Mummy-Monkeypants who was a saint throughout the day by listening to my United Airlines targeted rants.

Sure enough, we didn't board when we supposed to. This time, the ticket agent was actually nice about it though, perhaps, a little too cheerful. He had this huge grin the entire time. I'm glad he was happy. Apparently, our plane was broken and needed a new part. My first thought: "Um, United Airlines? What the hell is wrong with you that your planes are all broken?" We were told to hold tight.

This began Ticket Agent Man's first disappearance down the loading ramp where he disappeared. Meanwhile, a line had formed at the desk, awaiting his return. Twenty minutes later, he resurfaced. No news. We waited. And waited. Ticket Agent Man finally put an official delay on the screen. Meanwhile, he called a specific passenger to the desk and told him that his connection was getting tight. I thought this was really nice of them. At first. Ticket Agent Man decided to put this passenger on a direct flight to his final destination instead of him having to connect in Dayton with the rest of us cattle. That was nice. Except this marked disappearance number two of Ticket Agent Man. He had to figure out how to get this passenger's bags from our plane to his new one. It took him almost 20 minutes again to resurface. Meanwhile, we'd had no updates, we had no idea what was going on.

Finally, he reemerged and dealt with the passenger whose flight needed to be rebooked. This took an additional 15 minutes. While I think it's nice that he was so helpful to this passenger, the rest of us were getting frustrated because Ticket Agent Man was our only contact and he was ignoring the rest of us. The rebooked passenger left. Ticket Agent Man disappeared. Again.

He reemerged afted 10 minutes. It turned out they'd found the part for the plane! Hurrah! Except...they didn't know where the mechanic was. Which essentially told us nothing other than the fact that we still weren't going anywhere. While an update was necessary, methinks that Ticket Agent Man telling us that they were clueless as to what was really happening does NOT look good for United Airlines.

Finally, the part and the mechanic arrived. We knew this because Ticket Agent Man disappeared to go check. He came back 10 minutes later, still smiling. It would take ten minutes to fix! We'd board in about six minutes!

Twenty minutes later, we began to board. I landed at 7:40 p.m. I got home at almost 9 p.m.

Needless to say, I am still irked about the whole trip. It just seems that it's impossible to get from point A to point B anymore without this constant kind of problems. We, as passengers, have no say in what happens, we are left at the mercy of the airlines. They treat us rudely, as though it's our fault the plane is broken and refuse to help us. They take no responsibility. They expect people to have flexible time frames that will allow for delays and cancellations.

I understand that things happen, things out of the airlines' control. Yet it seems to be happening more and more. We're letting the airlines walk all over us. They're raising their prices, charging for EVERYTHING and treating us worse and worse.

I think we need Consumer Advocates on every flight. Someone designated to stand up for the economy passengers, the ones who don't get treated like royalty because we don't travel for business. We need someone to put the airlines to task, to make them answer for the fact that they cannot do their jobs properly. It's never anyone's fault, it seems. It's just the nature of airline travel.

But why is it the nature? Why do we get jerked around with little say while the airlines still make money? Why do their planes break just as you're about to take off. Shouldn't they, you know, CHECK THAT BEFORE WE GET ON THE PLANE??? Call me crazy but, really, shouldn't they check that before they have a gateload of passengers ready to board? I know they 'can't help it' but why is it that so many planes are experiencing mechanical failure? I know the economy sucks and airlines are fighting to make a profit but I can't help but think they might not be using their budgets wisely. I know they have to pay a lot more for fuel these days but so do we drivers. We manage. We budget for that. We also know to get our cars serviced when we can so they don't have mechanical 'failure' on a regular basis.

Here's a tip, United. Your planes seem prone to 'mechanical problems, so it seems like you should be used to getting them fixed. How's about you keep parts AT THE AIRPORTS instead of having them brought in from, I don't know, DOWNTOWN CHICAGO????

Sorry, I'm ranting now. I'm just fed up with airlines and the power they hold over us. They know we need them and they're exploiting us, slowly taking away our dignity and freedom so we're trapped in the little metal capsules, our knees up to our ears, debating on if we should pay $4 for a cookie because our stomach was growling and we didn't get time to eat because our connection was so tight we had to sprint.

Something needs to change. I'm not going to be flying for a while. I need a break. I shall be complaining to United. I expect nothing in return but it'll make me feel better. In the meantime, as passengers, we need to stand up and fight for our dignity. I intend to find a way to do it. I urge you to do it too. I may be just a little voice on a little blog but everything starts somewhere.

Happy Monday.

The Economy of Flying...

Just a quick post today as I'm back from my trip and work is calling to me. The perils of getting up at 4:30 a.m. and going straight to work involve having a fuzzy head, no guaranteed source of caffeine save for nasty airplane coffee and a meeting the minute you walk in the door.

That being said, getting up that early to fly is always an interesting experience. You see all sorts at airports at 5:30 a.m. in the morning. For the most part, it's prime business travel time. This means you see lots of people in suits groggily clasping giant cups of coffee and tapping away on their laptops. There's also the recreational travelers, like me, who probably had to get up that early for a reason and are desperately trying to look awake but not having much luck. Then you see the ones who are so heavily asleep that the sound of their snores is the only thing you can hear. I can't tell if they're travelling for fun or purpose.

Me, I'm not a fan of flying. I used to be, back in the days when flying was fun. I never thought I'd be one of those people who said, "when I was younger...." but I'm saying it: When I was younger, flying was fun.

I'm not talking about the magic of flying because I'm still astounded at that. Every time I'm in a plane travelling at top speed down the runway, I imagine a giant bird building up speed and then gracefully hopping up into the air to soar to the destination of choice. I don't think I'm so far off with that. When we land, I love the comforting bump of the plane's wheels hitting the tarmac of the runway because it means the flight was safe, we made it and it's almost time to get off.

No, I'm talking about the fun of flying. Those were days when you could hand your luggage in at the ticket counter and not have to pay to put it on a plane. Those were the days when you got to choose chicken or fish. Yes, the food was generally revolting but having the food carts come down the aisle without having to debate whether it's really worth the $5 for the snack box that you could probably throw together for about $2, was still a nice feeling. The food broke up the flight, seperated it. Then there were the movies. Some airlines still show movies. Most don't. Now, if you get a packet of peanuts, you're very fortunate.

I remember the best flight I ever had. Granted, it was to the UK and international flights do still provide food and movies but back then, only about 8 years ago, flying was fun. Not only did we get free wine with dinner and any time the drink cart came round and we all got hot towels to refresh us, not just the spoiled first class folks. The flight attendants brought baskets of Toblerones around as a mid-afternoon snack. Yes, that really happened. No, I am not making it up.

Nowadays flying has become a rote thing. It's a means to an end. I miss the days when the flight was part of the vacation/adventure. I miss the days in which people could get on a plane and have a few hours of uninterrupted peace with no telephone, no internet, just an excuse to blissfully read for pleasure. My last flight offered in-flight internet service which meant that had I been travelling for business, I, like so many others, would have felt guilty for not working when I could, for not checking my email instead of curling up with a Sookie Stackhouse novel.

The sad thing is that I know airlines had to cut the luxuries to cover costs but I haven't noticed that ticket prices have gone down. I suppose we need the airlines as much as they need us. Yet it doesn't mean I don't miss watching a bad movie on a plane or complaining that my dinner rolls is still frozen in the middle. My honest theory is that when you're trapped in a giant metal box with no way out for several hours, that frozen-in-the-middle-dinner-roll and gelatinous chicken dish is still exciting because it breaks the monotony.

Still, I suppose as long as I can get where I need to go without having to panic about connections, that's something. Of course, if you fly Delta/Northwest, that doesn't happen but...well...here's hoping. I therefore dedicate this blog to my parents who had to spend the night in Atlanta because they were delayed on their connecting flight and missed their flight to London yesterday.

On the bright side, mum and dad, at least they'll feed you. Then again, maybe that's not such a bright side.

Happy Wednesday.

Why I Hate Flying by Captain Monkeypants

Firstly, I must apologize for the lack of blog on Friday. I didn't get a chance to post, unfortunately. However, I am back today after a bit of a crazy weekend. You see, I very recently decided to take a trip to L.A. For a weekend. At the time it seemed like a great idea. On paper, it seems so smart, fly in early Friday morning, fly out Sunday- plenty of time to hang out with friends. I'd also get to see "Rent" which is one of my all-time favourite musicals.

Except things never really turn out as planned, do they?

So, it started with the trip to the airport. I have a GPS that is sometimes possess by what sounds like the voice of satan. I'm not the only one who has heard this voice now. My poor mother was in the car a few weeks ago and we were driving in my car. I hadn't needed to enlist the aid of GPS because I knew where I was going. That didn't stop my GPS from interjecting with a rather scary sounding "BLEEUGH!" in the middle of a conversation between my mother. It sounded like "BLEEUGH!" anyway. For all I know, it could have been my GPS saying "I'm going to kill you and eat you." Who knows? It made my mother jump a little, that's for sure.

Anyway, so I asked my GPS to take me to the Cincinnati airport. Stupidly, I think I must have hit the "shortest distance" option rather than the "fastest route" option. I ended up going through all sorts of scary Kentucky woods, up hills that were almost vertical and being scared to death I was going to tumble down a ravine. That was a little alarming. By the time I got to the airport, I made a vow to always choose "fastest route" on my GPS because I don't like wondering if I'm going to end up murdered by a chainsaw in some backwards of Kentucky merely because I thought seeing "Rent" in L.A. with two of the original cast members was a good idea.

That should have been the first sign that the trip was not going to be smooth. Then my flight from Cincinnati was late leaving. Ok...as long as I landed with enough time to make my next flight. Except when we got to Minneapolis where I was supposed to hop on my connecting flight, we ended up circling the airport for at least 30 minutes. By the time we landed, my next plane was literally supposed to be taking off.

Here's where I add a strongly worded editorial note to Northwest Airlines and Delta.

Dear Delta and Northwest Airlines,

Congratulations on merging. I think that's lovely. One slight problem I have though: I booked a flight on Delta. You put me on one Delta Flight and one Northwest. You would not let me check in online because your computer said they were two different airlines. Also, because both of you are housed in completely different terminals at most of the airports, it makes getting from one flight to another virtually impossible. Also...at this moment in time, I despise both of your airlines. A lot. Please make sure I get my frequent flier miles.

Sincerely,

Captain Monkeypants.

Yes. I landed in Minnesota with the promise from Delta that there'd be carts standing by to take those of us with tight connections to our gates. There were no carts. None. I discovered my gate was seriously about a mile away. Picture an airport with a hub, each one having little sun-like rays coming off it. Now picture a gate at the end of one of those rays and the gate that would be opposite on the other side of the hub. Now try running from the first gate to the second gate with luggage. Yes, that was me. It was a very, very long run. I had heavy luggage. All I can say is thank goodness I've been working out. I was a big old wheezing, sweaty mess by the time I got to my second gate. They were about to close the door. I made it. Of course, I discovered my row had assumed I wasn't coming so the middle seat person and window person had shuffled. Middle-seat-lady had wanted to sit by the window. She was a big lady. It took a while for her to get to the aisle so the real window-seat-person could take his actual seat instead of mine. Middle-Seat-Lady was very angry at me and muttered in Spanish. I don't speak much Spanish. I think I was glad then. She spent the entire flight accidentally elbowing me as she tried to get comfortable. She had an enormous blanket that kept creeping into my space. I'm not usually mean but she was a big lady and she leaked a into my space rather a lot already. I ignored her and tried to sleep. It didn't work but at least I tried.

Of course, somewhere between Middle-Seat-Lady's 'tsk-ing' and me actually getting my breath back, I realized I'd lost my phone. Yes, my lovely little Verizon Chocolate phone had fallen out of my pocket somewhere between my bolting from one plane, dashing through the airport and making it to my second flight. This was my fault and pure stupidity. You see, Delta gives you these tasty Biscoff cookies. They quite a large packet and, if you're a little punchy and tired from flying and taking the scary way to the airport, they have about the same size and shape as an LG Chocolate phone. I was wearing a sweatshirt with a big pocket in the front. I put the cookies in this pocket because though I didn't want to eat them, I wanted to save them for later. During my mad dash to the second gate, I patted this pocket and thought those cookies were my phone. So I kept running, got on my flight and pulled out my 'phone' to text my friend who was picking me up from the airport.

Have you ever tried to text on a package of Biscoff cookies? Yeah, not easy. In fact, sadly, not possible.

It was then that I realized I had been prematurely parted from my Chocolate phone. I loved that phone. I knew I could attempt to track it down but given that Delta and I have rarely had a smooth flying experience together, I doubted that I'd get it back.

Thus, my first morning in L.A. was spent talking Verizon into letting me renew my contract a little early. Verizon does not like to do this. Fortunately, I managed to convince them that while I did, indeed, have one month left on my current contract it was only a month and wouldn't they rather lose a month of my contract that have me leave them for another phone company? They agreed. I now have a Blackberry Curve. I refuse to allow it to become a 'Crack'berry. I've seen 'Crack'berry addicts. While they have the world of the internet at their fingertips, they seem to forget that there's actual life going on around them and that sometimes, you just have to ignore the beeps and glow of the Blackberry's little red light that indicates yet another message is waiting. I am working on fighting this urge to check my new phone. It doesn't help that it no longer seperates my text messages from my emails and so whenever any type of message comes in, it alerts me. I think I need to figure out how to seperate the notifications. At the moment, it's got a lot of shiny icons and i don't really know what they do.

Once I had the phone, I felt better. I didn't have my address book which made it hard because I would have liked to have called a friend in L.A. to say hi but I didn't get a chance. However, the weekend was a whirlwind anyway. So many people, so little time. It was fun but I can safely say that next time, I need more time to not only recover from my rather horrid flying experience but to actually stop and have a vacation.

I will say that it was nice to see my old friends and haunts again, even briefly. Seeing "Rent" was nothing short of amazing. It's been a show I have loved for years but, I confess, as I grew older, I was a little worried I was losing touch with it and I wondered, just a little, why they didn't just pay their damn rent instead of singing about it. However, this production reminded me that "There's No Day but Today", the theme of the show. Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp were unbelievable. It felt historic seeing those two 'legends of Rent' perform their roles as though they were brand new to them.

I did get to eat all the food I miss from Ohio: Vietnamese pho, Zankou chicken with taboule and hummus, and Filipeno palabok and chicken. Aside from my friends and my West Coast 'family', the food is probably what I miss most. Sad but true.

Naturally, flying home didn't prove to be easy. My first plane tried to land during a thunderstorm. I watch too much Lost on TV. I half expected a sudden flash of light and then finding myself stranded on a desert island. I like that outcome more than crashing to my doom, splintered into a hundred pieces on the ground. That flight was horribly bumpy and a bit hairy for a few minutes. The second flight got stuck because of a computer issue. We were almost an hour and a half late taking off. Thus, I arrived at my apartment at 1 a.m.

Lessons learned from this trip:

1) Biscoff cookies do not make good cell phones

2) Always sit at the front of the plane so that you don't have to run people over when trying to get off to make your next flight.

3) Travelling to a place that has a three-hour time difference during Daylight Savings weekend makes it really, really hard to get up for work on a Monday morning.

4) Wear tennis shoes to travel so that running is a little easier.

I'm sure there are more lessons there but this blog is already long enough for one day. Of course, I just realized that I left my stupid Blackberry at home but, at least I know where it is this time. I think.

Happy Monday.