Triumph over the Portal to Hell!

Today is a good day. I have been to the Portal to Hell and emerged, victorious. After long last, I managed to go to the DMV and leave without wanting to commit mass violence.

Yes, I am an Ohio licensed driver.

I'm also pleased to add that the DMV employees, while not nice, exactly, were not...unpleasant.

I'm shocked. And pleased.

If you read my blog regularly, you'll know of all my DMV troubles. If not, you can read about them here and here...and here. Oh, and here. Yes, I have had a LOT of trouble at the DMV.

Fortunately, today, the stars must have been aligned because I got what I wanted and no one was rude. I'm shocked. Shocked, I tell you.

My first stop this morning was the Regional Service Centre at the DMV. This is the place you go when they threaten to take away your license or actually do so. I was a threatened-ee. Fortunately, since the State of Indiana decided two days ago to unsuspend my driving privileges there, Ohio could see that and they had no case. They still wanted the $30 reinstatement fee until I politely pointed out that since the date upon which my license would be suspended had not yet passed, my license didn't have to be reinstated. They hemmed and hawed and consulted on that one then, finally, one wise DMV employee pointed out that they could, perhaps, look in the 'system' because it usually said how much I owed. Sure enough, it told them I owed...nothing. I'm rather glad I had them look because I have a feeling they would have taken the money otherwise and there wouldn't have been a reinbursement in my future.

Second stop, the license branch. I had a rather long wait while the two slowest people in the world tried to man the desk alone and, during which time, one of those two people stopped to yell loudly into a cell phone to try to get someone else to come in and help. While I fully support and endorse her decision to get more people in there to work, perhaps calling someone and telling her to get "her lazy ass out of bed before she gets kicked in the butt!" in the hearing range of people who, probably, like me have a bit of a negative view of the DMV...was not a great idea, per se.

Nevertheless, after a nice ten minute wait in line in which the Snails of the DMV dealt with the one customer in front of me, I finally got up there. My DMV snail, who was also the angry phone-yeller, was convinced she was going to trip me up, I'm sure of it.

Here's a quick recap:

DMV Snail: Yes?
Captain Monkeypants: I need to switch my California license to Ohio.
DMV Snail: Oh. (Pause). You need to take the written test first
CM: I did that.
DMV Snail: Oh. (She types into her computer). I can't find you.
CM: Oh, well, here's the paper that says I passed. (I smugly hand her my paper)
DMV Snail: (Examining the paper) It says you have a hold on your license.
CM: Not anymore. Just took care of that.
DMV Snail: (sighing, seemingly with disappointment) Do you have your Social Security Card
CM: Why, yes I do! ( I hand it to her)
DMV Snail: (Examining the card). I suppose I should see your California license.
(I hand it to her. She scrutinizes it then starts typing).
DMV Snail: Do you do drugs or alcohol in excess while driving?
CM: Nope.
DMV Snail: Do you have seizures or any other condition that makes you unsafe to drive?
CM: Nope
DMV Snail: Do you have any outstanding tickets?
CM: Nope
DMV Snail: Are you a US Citizen?
CM: Uh, no. Permanent resident.
(I see her eyes gleam with a secret hope)
DMV Snail: Do you have an I-5 form?
CM: No. ( I pause). But I do have a green card. Would you like to see it.
(I see her face fall).
DMV Snail: Yes.
(I hand it to her. She scrutinizes it. After long last, she enters everything into the computer, verifies it and prints it off to me to sign.)
DMV Snail: You need to have your picture taken over there. But, first, it's $23.
I stop. It seems a little high but, at this point, I'm literally moments from getting that stupid, shiny piece of laminated plastic. I sigh. Then I have a horrible realization. I have no cash.)
CM: Do you take checks? (She pauses.)
DMV snail: (Sighing) Yes.

I wait for her to tell me that they don't accept out of state checks. Then I realize that my check isn't out-of-state because I live in Ohio. She doesn't argue. She hands me a receipt, I get my picture taken and, moments later, out pops my new Ohio license.

I could complain that I came out looking orange in the picture, that I look like my face looks like it belongs to a giant. It's a big picture. My California license had a nice, dainty little picture on it. Ohio likes to scream "THIS. IS. YOU. SUCKER!". I think I look like an orangutang. And yes, while my moniker does imply that I love monkeys, it doesn't mean I want to look like a monkey.

But, the license is MINE. No more will I have to run through the reasons to be paranoid when I see a police car parked and waiting to swoop on a victim. I now have legal plates. I now have an Ohio license and thus haven't violated the "You must apply for a license 30 days after you move here" rule. I now have an unsuspended license in Ohio and Indiana.

I suppose, in a way, when I handed my license over to the DMV snail, that was truly the end of the L.A. period of my life. I am officially a Midwesterner again. While I have friends in L.A., there is barely a mark that shows I was ever there except the vestiges of my work at USC.

It's a bittersweet realization. I love being back in the Midwest, back to my family, back to a quieter life. Yet it's the end of a phase of my life that led to my discovery of who I am and what I want. I loved being there and there are some things I miss about L.A, sometimes on a daily basis. Yet everything I did, everything that happened, the good, the bad, the happy and the tragic...they're all part of a life experience that will never leave me. Everything that happens to us becomes part of us so, I can't help but feel that L.A. is a part of me and I brought part of it with me.

I never got to say goodbye to my license; it was taken and disposed of as I watched. It might have just been a little laminated piece of plastic but it was my last easy written evidence that I have ever lived there and been part of the crazy world of Los Angeles.

Still, the upside to having such bad DMV experiences in the past is that, as a result, today's was so joyous, I didn't have time to lament. I grabbed that piece of plastic and practically ran out of that DMV building before they could change their mind or ask for my first (as yet unborn) child in order for me to get my license.

As such, I now possess an Ohio license on which I look rather simian and orange.

But I possess a license. Oh, happy day.

Happy Thursday!

The DMV is really the Portal to Hell...

There is a TV show that I used to watch. I'd still be watching it except it's on the CW channel which I don't get and, also, it hasn't been on for a while. The show is Reaper. It was about a young man name Sam whose parents had made a deal with Satan and, on his 21st birthday, Sam's soul suddenly belonged to Satan. It's a funny show. Sam's work for Satan is that he has to capture demons who've escaped from hell. However, the best part of the show is that when he captured the demon, the dropoff point was the DMV because it was the gateway to hell.

I am here to tell you that I firmly belive that, perhaps, the DMV is the portal to hell. Every time I have to go, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, to try to be nice so that they will be nice in return. Unfortunately, trying to be pleasant at the DMV is a virtual impossibility. They might as well leave a sign above the door that says "Abandon all Hope, Ye who Enter Here."

You see, today, I had to go to the DMV. You'll probably remember from my earlier post this week that I've been waiting for my vehicle title to arrive in Ohio so I can register my car here. Well, the good news was my title had arrived from California. So, upon my discovery that the DMV is open from 9 a.m. to 12 p.m. on a Saturday, I was overjoyed to think that perhaps I would no longer have to worry about getting pulled over or even arrested for driving with expired plates.

This was not to be. I got up early, navigated through freezing rain and slick roads to go to the DMV. Last night, I had pulled up the list of what I needed. I made sure I had way more than the required documents, just in case. The primary form of ID that the DMV needs to register you is a driver's license. Then, the secondary form has to be something that verifies your social security number. So, they list things such as: Employer ID, Health Insurance Card, Credit Card and Tax Form. So, I took all of those things along with my green card and my passport.

So, imagine my dismay when the extremely rude lady at the desk tells me that none of those will work because the social security number is NOT printed on any of my ID cards. I pulled out my tax form. "No," she says, "That's not from the government." So I show her the fact that it's a 1040 form, it has my social security number on it, that I actually was smart enough to bring forms from several years and from both Ohio and California. No, still not enough. Apparently, the tax form to which they're referring is that old-fashioned paper booklet that they mail to you with a label on it.

Now, in case you haven't noticed, we're in an economic crisis. We are all encouraged to do our part for the environment thus we're encouraged to do everything online, especially our taxes. I have e-filed for at least the past five years as have the majority of the working world, I would venture to guess. While there are people who still sit down with their cheap-paper booklet and a pencil, gathering their W-2's, I don't think there are too many. I did my taxes with H&R Block, the only form I have is the one I took to the DMV. It's the one that was filed, the one that the government approved to give me my refund so why isn't that good enough?

I argue this with the lady for several minutes. She talks to her co-employees who all adamently say no, that will not work, it MUST be the paper form that I'm mailed. So I show her all of the cards I have. None of them will help because they don't have my SSN on them. So I say, still somewhat politely, that nowadays, identity theft is so rampant that it's not really a good idea to print the SSN on identifying documents. She shrugged. She said I could use a credit card but it had to have my SSN on it. WHO IN THE WORLD HAS A CREDIT CARD WITH A SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER ON IT??????

So, then I try another method. I show her the credit application and the subsequent approval that allowed me to buy my car in the first place, it, too, has my SSN on it. Nope, not one of the listed documents.

By this point, I was angry and upset. The website does not say anywhere the the SSN must be displayed, only that I had to bring documents that would show my identity. You may wonder why I didn't just show my Social Security Card. Sadly, I don't have it. I know I need to replace it but I haven't had chance because, you see, my plates have expired on my car and I have seriously been trying for two months to fix that.

So, I ask the lady if there's anything I can do to make it legal to drive my car. I was told I can get a temporary 30-day plate. Nope, for this, I have to have my social security number. By this point, I was livid and trying very hard not to pull a Christian Bale on her. So I said, "so...you're telling me I should drive illegally, even though I'm doing everything I can to be a good citizen." She blinks and said, 'Sorry. You could borrow a car." If I hadn't been so upset and thinking quickly, I should have asked to borrow hers. Of course, that would be illegal since I wouldn't be insured but I get the feeling she wouldn't care.

So, by this time, I was upset and just plain infuriated. I understand that people have to do their job. I understand there are always rules to follow. I understand that there are policies and procedures. Yet, sometimes, people are helpful anyway. Take, for example, the employees of airlines who have to man the desks during bad times at airports. They deal with angry, delayed customers. With these employees, I always remind myself that it's not their fault the planes are delayed or cancelled and though it would be easy to yell at them, there's no point. Being nice to them always works to my benefit because they're just doing their jobs.

The DMV is different. I seriously do think the employees there are trained to be as vague and rude as possible. Even when I pointed out that neither the list I had nor the list on their website said that an out-of-state driver's license was worthless as far as using it for a primary identification purpose. Their list does not state that I had to have a booklet from the government in order to use my taxes as ID, it does not say the credit card has to have an SSN on it. Even when I pointed out that nobody uses them as an ID number anymore, that did nothing. The horrid lady even suggested I bring in medical records. Great idea! Because I want the DMV people to have that kind of information about my life! Also, they all use MEDICAL RECORD NUMBERS now, not SSNs!

Obviously, I am angry. I am also still driving illegally. Apparently, if I get a copy of my school transcripts (official, of course), I can use those. I have them somewhere in a box in my apartment. I've also been told to go get a new Social Security card. Um, yes, I will...once I can drive the distance without being paranoid about getting pulled over. It's a catch-22.

So, after my experiences today, I can safely say that Reaper was onto something. The DMV is, perhaps a portal to hell.

The DMV has wondered why their reputation is so bad. It's because the attitudes and helpfulness of the employees are awful. Seriously, at the moment, you'd think they'd be happy they have a job when so many of the people they deal with aren't that fortunate. But, alas, I don't think this is the case. If I were being my normal, non-angry self, I'd say that maybe the employee helping me was just having a bad day. However, I don't think that was the case. I know they have a job to do, I know they have procedures but when their procedures are so fuzzy anyway and they won't bend an inch.

And so, I will try again on Monday, Official School Transcripts in hand. I know they have my SSN on them because that used to be our student ID numbers. Wish me luck...

Happy Saturday...