The Reality of Being a Foodie...

I think Spring is actually here now. Today, the temperature warmed up again and it's only going to get warmer. I think this is really going to force me to have to remember which of my giant tupperware-like storage containers holds my Spring/Summer clothes. Of course, this is all assuming that my clothes will still fit. Given my obsession with the Food Network and my devotion to Mario Batali and his highly caloric though delicious recipes, I might have an issue there.

Weight is a funny thing. I was a skinny little thing through most of my life until I got to about age twenty-seven. Then I realized that being skinny was starting to take work. Now, some years later, it's definitely taking work. I'm no longer skinny. I'm not overweight, not by all those Body Mass Index thingies they insist on having you participate in at health fairs. Still, I know, compared to the Captain Monkeypants of ten years ago, I'm no longer skinny.

I go back and forth on that. I see friends and coworkers who are gung-ho for Weight Watchers. They count their points. They exercise. They deny themselves of all things tasty and truly delicious, replacing them with low/no-fat substitutes that try to convince us taste exactly the same as the naughty versions but, in reality, taste almost like nothing.

Quite frequently, at work, I'm pouring a cup of coffee in the kitchen and a coworker will come in to make toast. They use that healthy bread that's low in calories. Then they spray it with some generic "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" type of spray. Then they leave, excited to eat their breakfast.

I think it's the 'non-butter' spray that gets me. That's not butter. It's a sprayable form of margarine. Butter's bad qualities are saturated fat and cholesterol. Margarine's bad qualities are trans fat.

Also, in the Butter vs. Margarine battle...well, honestly, have you ever had a good slice of toast with butter and then tried one with margarine? If not, try it. You'll realize that while margarine might be more Weight Watcher's friendly, in some ways, there's no comparison, namely...taste.

I suppose I do admire those Weight Watchers who actually do keep track of their points and their trips to the gym. I've tried it. I like my yoga but, currently, trying to do yoga with two puppies running around is pretty much a complete loss. If I tried to do a downward-facing-dog, I'd have an upward-facing-puppy trying to lick my nose nip at my trousers. I could crate them but I'd have a cacaphony of puppy-whining to accompany my 'relaxing yoga music'. When they're older, it'll be easier. In the meantime, given that I crate the puppies for 8 hours, total, a day (with a one hour break for lunch), I can't deny them their evening freedom.

So I think what I'm trying to say is that...I'm not a Weight Watcher. I can't be. I like food too much. If I was on Weight Watchers, I'd be forbidden from going to Jungle Jim's and trying all the delicious things I see on Iron Chef America and want to try for myself. Cooking is so much more fun when you don't have to really substitute for calories. It's far less limited to have everything on hand for which a recipe calls and then not have to read the labels to see if it's ok to use the ingredient to meet a diet.

I'm not saying I'm being a glutton but if a recipe calls for bacon, I tend to use...bacon. I've tried the turkey stuff and, well, it's not bad but it's not bacon. If it was, it wouldn't be called TURKEY-bacon. It's hard to substitue a recipe and have it taste as good. Take, for example, Mr. Batali's recipe for Fettucini Alfredo. His version has four ingredients: Egg noodle fettucini pasta, parmagiano reggiano cheese, butter and water from the boiled pasta. Oh, and salt and pepper to season. It's simple. It's absolutely delicious. It's not as healthy as a Lean Cusine meal, that's for sure. Yet if you try to substitute any of the ingredients...it's not the same dish, no matter how optimistic you are. You can replace the pasta with whole wheat noodles, the butter with margarine and the cheese, well, you could try to replace it with any low-fat cheese you find, even that bagged "parmesan" that you get in the pre-shredded cheese section. When you try...you get...pasta and cheese. It's not Fettucini Alfredo anymore. It's...something else.

I think that's the reason I'm getting heavier and can't necessarily fit into those thinner-person clothes I own. I've learned that for pure taste, there's no substition. You can cut corners in some places but when it comes down to it, taste is the best part of any meal.

Still, just like any normal woman, I admit, I'd like to do something about that excess weight that arrived somewhere between the last of the summer salads and the end of the winter comfort food. I may try to work in some exercise time at work. I'd like to be able to wear some of my older clothes even if I know that some of them will never fit me again.

I think, though, what it really comes down to is self-perception. Isn't that always what it comes down to, when we really look at it? Several years ago, the skinny Captain Monkeypants prided herself on being healthy and being able to avoid sweets. Now, in present time, Captain Monkeypants still exhibits good self-control over sweets and temptations but...she's learned to cook. Not only has she learned to cook but she's learned to cook from chefs who would smack her with a wet towel if they heard her considering to substitute margarine for butter. Stupid Food Network.

I suppose when I try on some of my Spring wardrobe, I may decide that drastic dieting and exercise are in my future. Yet, knowing me, I may try it for a week and then realize that I can't do it. The way I look at it is that while I might have gone up a size in clothing, it's not a hard size to find. I can still find clothes on sale in my size without too much bother.

I think most importantly, I just need to ask myself if I'm ok not being a skinny little rake and, instead, being a more realistic woman with curves, a little too much celluite and a taste for real butter.

As much as the fashion magazines encourage me to be a rake, there's a reason that I don't subscribe to any of them and, instead, subscibe to Food Network Magazine: It's much easier to cook a meal from a recipe in Food Network magazine than it is to try to look like a fashion model. Also, it means I can eat without calculation or having to do maths of any kind.

Of course, when I try on my Spring wardrobe, I might just change my mind.

I'll keep you posted.

Happy Wednesday!

Sharpening the Pencils to Death....

I think today was what you call "karma" in the office. After my blog yesterday that gently poked fun at the Weight Watchers, it turned out today that I was the only member of the "anti-Weight Watchers" in the office. I did not relish the thought of sitting in the kitchen, eating my salad that had real fresh pieces of leftover bacon on top and having the Weight Watchers ask me what I was eating and make "The Face*," so I ended up running errands and eating my not-as-healthy-as-I'd-like-but-really-tasty salad at my desk.

(*Definition of the face: Picture the food that appeals to you most in the world. Picture how it tastes and smells. Then picture a big metal cage being placed on the food so that it's unreachable. Yet you can still smell it and imagine how it tastes... but you can't eat it. Now look at your face in the mirror. That...="The Face")

I didn't really mind too much. It was that type of day, anyway. It was, in short, a typical Thursday; a day in which I got much done but my mind was looking forward to the weekend.

Then again, there's nothing much new about that, is there?

Still, I can't complain. Today went by pretty quickly. My boss has not spoken to me in two days, not since the meeting we had on Tuesday. I'd say I'm heartbroken but in actuality, it's actually quite nice. My boss does this thing that my coworker and I call "Drive-By Managing." For the most part, he ignores our existence. Then, every now and again, he'll come out of his office and take turns to stop by our desks and say, "hey, how's it goin'?"

And that's it. He just stands there, waiting. We usually say, "Pretty good." And then he stands there some more. So then we launch into a description of what we're working on. He still stands there. It's like he wants to chat but has no idea how. With the males in our area, he stops by their desks and talks sports. They can do that for hours. Yet with my coworker and I, both of us females, it is in a word...awkward.

This is the type of 'awkward' that should be muttered or whispered in two syllables- "awk. ward" - while looking out of the corners of your eyes down at the ground. If you don't know what I mean, try it. You'll understand.

I want to chat to him, don't get me wrong. Yet when I do, he looks fearful, as though I'm going to say something sarcastic. I've mentioned this before: He thinks everything I say is sarcastic when, in actuality, only about 50 percent of what I say to him is intended to be sarcastic.

No, I've actually tried to engage him in real conversation, to ask him about his kids, his wife, his dogs...you name it, I've probably tried it. Granted, it's getting a little personal but when you have the type of boss that walks up to you and says, "you look nice. Why are you so dressed up? Do you have fancy social plans?" it doesn't seem so out-of-the-question to try to take an interest in who he is as a person aside from who he is as a boss.

It's just plain...awkward. The most frustrating part of it is that we have bi-weekly meetings to discuss what our area has been doing. We go around the meeting table and say what we're working on. Compared to the programmers, I'm pretty dull- I could go into great technical detail about what I've been doing but the way I look at it is that no one really cares. Unfortunately, some of the programmers do not feel this way and feel that it's necessary to break down into intricate detail exactly the work they've been doing down the programming code. It's not that I'm not interested because I am. Yet when it gets down to when they're naming every single phone call they received and the answer they gave and the respondent's reply to their answer and then the follow-up emails that occurred...well, by then they've lost me.

Yet, since our boss does take notes at these bi-weekly meetings, I suppose what I hope is that he actually listens and makes a note of what we're doing. However, two days later, he's standing by my desk saying "hey, how's it goin'?" and I have to recap what I'm working on which, most likely, isn't that different from what I said in the meeting.

I forgot to mention, during this time, he's fiddling. He's a fiddler, my boss. If he's standing by my desk, he's got to be touching something on my desk. Sometime it's my name plate which he knocks down quite a lot. He usually does this when he's trying to perch on my desk. It's the perching which actually alarms me. My desk really isn't perch-able. It's a got a decent work top but it's got two cubby-holes above it with overhead lift-up lids. They sit pretty low. Thus, perching on my desk means your shoulder can't quite fit comfortable with these cubby-holes. Also, my desk is a little slick. Since I've never tried to sit on it, I can't say that I've experienced sliding on it. However, seeing as how my boss takes a little bit too much of a slide every time he tries to perch, I have to assume it's a bit slippery.

So, the perching ends up with my boss looking slightly flustered because he's either knocked my name-plate over, gone sliding or whacked his shoulder on my cubby-hole. So, usually, by this time he's on his feet, trying to think of the best escape plan so he can save a little face.

When he doesn't perch, he's usually looking at some of my toys- either my Geico Gekko statue or my Green Day SuperAction figures. It alarms me when he picks up one of my Green Day men and 'fiddles' with it. He doesn't know he's doing it. It's a bit of a violation of my space. Also, I don't think Green Day would appreciate quite the manner in which he's trying to remove Mike Dirnt's chicken from his hands. Trust me, you have to see it to understand quite how odd it is.

So, long story short, days upon which my boss doesn't speak to me are actually not that bad at all. Since he has absolutely no clue what it is I really do nor what it is I actually am capable of, I tend to get a little annoyed with him in general anyway. I've tried repeatedly to have him take me seriously, to listen when I suggest something or to at least understand that I'm not a complete twit. Nothing seems to work.

Yet he is a 'drive-by' manager. I can't decide if this is better or worse than a micro-manager, someone who wants to know everything I'm doing all the time. I think it's probably better although at least with a micro-manager, he might actually realize that I'm constantly having to find my own projects to work on because otherwise, I might stab myself in the eye with a pencil out of boredom.

I don't want to stab out my eye. I quite like having my eyeballs. I also quite like my pencils. I've kept those away from my boss when he comes to 'perch' on my desk. My pencils are very personal to me. I mean, think about it, a pen runs on its own ink. A pencil...a pencil must be sharpened in the palm of your hand. It becomes personal the first time you sharpen it. Each turn of the sharpener serves to make it work better for you.

Yet, really, you're slowly slaughtering the pencil in order to make it more efficient.

Not terribly unlike my company, when I think about it. Or most companies, for that matter. Eek gads, what a thought.

But it's Friday. That's a better and slightly less dark and twisty thought. I think I'll stick with that, what do you think?

Happy Friday and have a good weekend!

Weight Watchers vs. Real Food....

It's getting closer to the weekend. Isn't it sad how we wish time to pass so quickly during the work week? What I'm truly afraid of is that if I live to be 100, complete with all the wisdom I'd think I was due, I'm going to look back and say, "what the heck was I thinking, wishing time to fly so quickly!"

I don't. Not really. Just the time I have to spend at work. It's not even the time I want to pass...just the work. Am I a bad person for wanting this?

I think life would always be much easier if we didn't have to work. It would also be far less interesting and far less frustrating. Still, we need a way to pay our bills and feel like we have a purpose in life.

Ok, so I confess, I can't say my job makes me feel like I have a purpose. Yet it does pay the bills. And that...that is important too.

Nevertheless, I do think that if I didn't have a regular routine during my day, I'd soon get a little befuddled by life. For all of its negative days, my job does have its highlights.

For me, my favourite part of the day is lunch. I know, I know...this sounds rather sad. Yet since we've moved from our cruddy old building to our new State of the Art, High Tech Building, lunch has become more of an event than just something you partake in around noon every day.

Unlike our old building, our new building actually has a "kitchen". It's in quotation marks because there is no stove. As a self-declared "cook", I am snobbish to think that a kitchen needs a set of burners and an oven to be a real "kitchen". Therefore, I refer to our kitchen as "The Lunchroom."

The "Lunchroom" is nice. It has three tables with bench style seating. It has a big flat screen TV. I'd wow you by citing the size of the TV but, in all honesty, I have no idea how big it is. It's bigger than my TV at home. It's also flatter. That's all I can tell you.

We no longer have a cable box. As I might have mentioned, they seemed worried that we'd hijack the cable boxes so they hid them in our 'server' room- the same room that houses our computer serves and to which you need an access key to enter. I have no access key. Thus, I cannot enter it. I think that about 98% of our personnel is also unable to enter. When they first moved the cable boxes to the server room, they had the unfortunate experience of realizing it was actually quite impossible changing the channel with the remote control when the receiver box was nowhere within the vicinity. After a few protests (but no complaints!), they did realize it was a little futile to have two TV's that could not be controlled because the remote control's signal was not strong enough to reach the server room.

They finally installed 'eyes' on the TV's- receptors that allow us to change the channel in the lunchroom, even though the cable box is not present. Personally, as I mentioned before, I think I'd rather steal a flat screen TV than a cable box but it would be a bit pointless to lock the TV's up too.

Still, now we can change the channel which is vital to any good lunchroom experience. If I'm in there alone, I put it on the Food Network (duh!). However, if any males, whosoever, should be in the lunchroom, the TV is guaranteed to be on ESPN's "Sport's Center". If the girls get there before hand, it goes onto the Style Networks "What Not To Wear."

Honestly, I could care less. Since I'm not allowed to eat at my desk, I've taken to eating in the lunchroom. I've actually come to like it. There's a regular group of us that arrives at noon to microwave our lunches and we end up eating and socializing.

I admit, it's quite nice. It does make a brief escape. I like sitting with 'the regulars', discussing our lunches while they examine my weird 'Foodie' lunch and try to figure out what I'm eating. Today, it was penne with crimini and button mushrooms in white wine cream sauce. Tomorrow, it'll be mache salad with lardons and red pepper dressing.

Ok, so I admit, I quite enjoying stumping people. It's fun to eat. It's more fun to cook the food that will become the leftovers that will become my lunch.

I like my regular 'crowd'. We've actually sort of dubbed ourselves the 'anti-Weight Watchers.'.

I like that designation. You see...the New Year passed. With it, passed resolutions that involved weight loss and getting in shape.

This led to....Weight Watchers.

Now, as an aside, I respect the people who are trying to watch what they eat. I generally, overall, keep an eye on the amount of bad ingredients I use vs. good ones. While I tend to use a fair amount of extra-virgin olive oil and even the dreaded butter, the majority of the dishes I used rely on vegetables. As I mentioned yesterday, I've taken up yoga.

Thus, the moral of this story is that while Captain Monkeypants is a foodie who likes the good stuff, she also likes to keep a balance between health and taste.

However, the Weight Watchers are a challenge.

They've become a 'gang', you see. Once upon a time, there was one Weight Watcher. She was one of those poor souls that is constantly on a diet but genetically engineered so that no matter how many calories were deprived from her diet, she'd still never really lose much, even when she worked out constatantly. Then there were two Weight Watchers. They compared notes, swapped diet schedules and point counters.

Then there were three. Now there are five. They have taken to conversing in the kitchen while us "anti-Weight Watchers" eat our lunches. The sad fact of the matter is that people on diets become obsessed. They compare calories, protein, fat grams, sugar content and overall health of an item. When they find a fellow dieter, it's exciting for them and two become one. When one becomes five, as in the case of our Weight Watchers, it's a bit of a nightmare.

Now, don't get me wrong: Captain Monkeypants is not against dieters. She could certainly stand to watch her own diet far more than she does now. Once upon a time, Captain Monkeypants was skinny. Then she became slender. She's currently hovering on curvy...on the cusp of being either flabby or moving back towards slender.

I'm not overweight by any doctor's scale but compared to the figure I had ten years ago, I've gained a lot of weight. The problem is, I'm ok with that. I want to be skinnier...who doesn't? Yet...I also like food. I'd rather enjoy what I eat than be miserable and have to count every calorie.

Which leads me back to our Weight Watchers.

They're not happy. It's obvious. On my birthday, they took me out for lunch. It was lovely of them. I enjoyed it. Yet listening to the Weight Watchers have to examine the menu and 'point it out' was exhausting. They couldn't read the menu and think "hey, that sounds good!" They had to manually calculate fat vs. calories vs. their point schedule.

It was no fun.

As I said, I understand it. I just can't do it. To me, it's pretty obvious that cappellini pomodoro is pretty safe. I mean, yes, it's pasta but it's angel hair. It's just flour-based pasta, fresh tomatoes, basil, pepper and a touch of olive oil. It's healthier than, say, fettucine alfredo which is usually egg-noodles, cream and cheese.

Yes, I'm a foodie. Yes, I know the ingredients that comprise many dishes. Yet does it really take a foodie to know that fresh tomatoes and basil vs. cheese and heavy cream is really a contest as far as healthier options go?

That being said, the Weight Watchers don't care about their instincts. Even though 100% of them know that fettucine Alfredo is bad, they still pull out their little guides to 'point it out'. Then they determine that, indeed, the cappellini pomodoro is MUCH better for them.

So they order it and act like they're happy even though they're looking at the non-Weight Watcher's fettucine Alfredo and wishing they ordered that instead.

I'm not lying. I've seen this at least a couple of times. I admire the Weight Watchers' resolve. It takes strength to resist the temptations of the food that makes us happy. Me, personally...I can't do it. I love the taste of half and half as the finishing element to a soup. I'm a cheese addict. There's not substitute for butter, as far as completing a flavour profile.

Thus, I'm doomed. I know this. Yet I also balance the bad stuff with the good, as I've said a few times.

What I don't appreciate is the Weight Watchers' need to "point" my lunch for me. I know they see what I'm eating in the lunchroom and compare it to their Smart Ones/Lean Cusine Frozen meal and wish they had my lunch instead. After all, I've eaten my share of Lean Cuisines. I know that while it might make me feel good to eat that cute little dish full of microwaved nutrients that has few calories and fewer grams of fat, an hour later, I'm going to be STARVING.

It's the way it works. It's the same thing I've said before about those 'healthy' lunches like Progresso Soups. Sure, they look healthy and say they're healthy but that's only if you only take a sip from the actual can of soup. If you eat the whole thing, you're apparently feeding at least two people and the healthiness is significantly reduced.

Which is why those Weight Watchers are to be found, all afternoon, rotating shifts at the popcorn machine, trying to find ways to fill the hole of hunger while not padding their thighs. Yes, they've taken to using the popcorn machine rather than the microwave because apparently the popcorn machine is healthier, even though it uses vegetable oil and they pile on the seasonings and salt.

What I'm really annoyed about is the need for the dieters to tell me how unhealthy my lunch is. That's just downright rude. Ok, so I know that eating my cream based pasta-sauce is not the same as eating steamed broccoli. Yet, I made it with fresh mushrooms and half-and-half. It might not be a Lean Cuisine but it's not that bad. I don't WANT to know how much fat is in it, how many calories I might be eating.

What I do want to know is "does it taste good reheated?". Yup, that's the extent of my "diet".

As I said before, I do respect when people are on diets. It's a challenge, an accomplishment. What I don't like is when that diet becomes an obsession to the point that they're clearly miserable and therefore finding pleasure in making non-dieters feel bad about what they're eating. I'm actually a pretty healthy eater. Just because my leftovers don't have a label regarding the calories and fat, doesn't mean I'm not trying. I do not appreciate knowing how many points everyone's lunches has, including mine. I really just want to eat my lunch and enjoy the taste. I like to sit with the coworkers I like and chat. That's what lunch is for me. When mathematics is involved, lunch loses its appeal.

Yet when the Weight Watchers invade the kitchen we're all doomed.

Still, it keeps things interesting. Even if I don't agree.

Happy Thursday.