Triumph over the Portal to Hell!

Today is a good day. I have been to the Portal to Hell and emerged, victorious. After long last, I managed to go to the DMV and leave without wanting to commit mass violence.

Yes, I am an Ohio licensed driver.

I'm also pleased to add that the DMV employees, while not nice, exactly, were not...unpleasant.

I'm shocked. And pleased.

If you read my blog regularly, you'll know of all my DMV troubles. If not, you can read about them here and here...and here. Oh, and here. Yes, I have had a LOT of trouble at the DMV.

Fortunately, today, the stars must have been aligned because I got what I wanted and no one was rude. I'm shocked. Shocked, I tell you.

My first stop this morning was the Regional Service Centre at the DMV. This is the place you go when they threaten to take away your license or actually do so. I was a threatened-ee. Fortunately, since the State of Indiana decided two days ago to unsuspend my driving privileges there, Ohio could see that and they had no case. They still wanted the $30 reinstatement fee until I politely pointed out that since the date upon which my license would be suspended had not yet passed, my license didn't have to be reinstated. They hemmed and hawed and consulted on that one then, finally, one wise DMV employee pointed out that they could, perhaps, look in the 'system' because it usually said how much I owed. Sure enough, it told them I owed...nothing. I'm rather glad I had them look because I have a feeling they would have taken the money otherwise and there wouldn't have been a reinbursement in my future.

Second stop, the license branch. I had a rather long wait while the two slowest people in the world tried to man the desk alone and, during which time, one of those two people stopped to yell loudly into a cell phone to try to get someone else to come in and help. While I fully support and endorse her decision to get more people in there to work, perhaps calling someone and telling her to get "her lazy ass out of bed before she gets kicked in the butt!" in the hearing range of people who, probably, like me have a bit of a negative view of the DMV...was not a great idea, per se.

Nevertheless, after a nice ten minute wait in line in which the Snails of the DMV dealt with the one customer in front of me, I finally got up there. My DMV snail, who was also the angry phone-yeller, was convinced she was going to trip me up, I'm sure of it.

Here's a quick recap:

DMV Snail: Yes?
Captain Monkeypants: I need to switch my California license to Ohio.
DMV Snail: Oh. (Pause). You need to take the written test first
CM: I did that.
DMV Snail: Oh. (She types into her computer). I can't find you.
CM: Oh, well, here's the paper that says I passed. (I smugly hand her my paper)
DMV Snail: (Examining the paper) It says you have a hold on your license.
CM: Not anymore. Just took care of that.
DMV Snail: (sighing, seemingly with disappointment) Do you have your Social Security Card
CM: Why, yes I do! ( I hand it to her)
DMV Snail: (Examining the card). I suppose I should see your California license.
(I hand it to her. She scrutinizes it then starts typing).
DMV Snail: Do you do drugs or alcohol in excess while driving?
CM: Nope.
DMV Snail: Do you have seizures or any other condition that makes you unsafe to drive?
CM: Nope
DMV Snail: Do you have any outstanding tickets?
CM: Nope
DMV Snail: Are you a US Citizen?
CM: Uh, no. Permanent resident.
(I see her eyes gleam with a secret hope)
DMV Snail: Do you have an I-5 form?
CM: No. ( I pause). But I do have a green card. Would you like to see it.
(I see her face fall).
DMV Snail: Yes.
(I hand it to her. She scrutinizes it. After long last, she enters everything into the computer, verifies it and prints it off to me to sign.)
DMV Snail: You need to have your picture taken over there. But, first, it's $23.
I stop. It seems a little high but, at this point, I'm literally moments from getting that stupid, shiny piece of laminated plastic. I sigh. Then I have a horrible realization. I have no cash.)
CM: Do you take checks? (She pauses.)
DMV snail: (Sighing) Yes.

I wait for her to tell me that they don't accept out of state checks. Then I realize that my check isn't out-of-state because I live in Ohio. She doesn't argue. She hands me a receipt, I get my picture taken and, moments later, out pops my new Ohio license.

I could complain that I came out looking orange in the picture, that I look like my face looks like it belongs to a giant. It's a big picture. My California license had a nice, dainty little picture on it. Ohio likes to scream "THIS. IS. YOU. SUCKER!". I think I look like an orangutang. And yes, while my moniker does imply that I love monkeys, it doesn't mean I want to look like a monkey.

But, the license is MINE. No more will I have to run through the reasons to be paranoid when I see a police car parked and waiting to swoop on a victim. I now have legal plates. I now have an Ohio license and thus haven't violated the "You must apply for a license 30 days after you move here" rule. I now have an unsuspended license in Ohio and Indiana.

I suppose, in a way, when I handed my license over to the DMV snail, that was truly the end of the L.A. period of my life. I am officially a Midwesterner again. While I have friends in L.A., there is barely a mark that shows I was ever there except the vestiges of my work at USC.

It's a bittersweet realization. I love being back in the Midwest, back to my family, back to a quieter life. Yet it's the end of a phase of my life that led to my discovery of who I am and what I want. I loved being there and there are some things I miss about L.A, sometimes on a daily basis. Yet everything I did, everything that happened, the good, the bad, the happy and the tragic...they're all part of a life experience that will never leave me. Everything that happens to us becomes part of us so, I can't help but feel that L.A. is a part of me and I brought part of it with me.

I never got to say goodbye to my license; it was taken and disposed of as I watched. It might have just been a little laminated piece of plastic but it was my last easy written evidence that I have ever lived there and been part of the crazy world of Los Angeles.

Still, the upside to having such bad DMV experiences in the past is that, as a result, today's was so joyous, I didn't have time to lament. I grabbed that piece of plastic and practically ran out of that DMV building before they could change their mind or ask for my first (as yet unborn) child in order for me to get my license.

As such, I now possess an Ohio license on which I look rather simian and orange.

But I possess a license. Oh, happy day.

Happy Thursday!

Hoping for a Summons to the Portal to Hell...

What else is there to say on a Friday except...thank goodness? Even though it's technically been a short week, it's felt like a long one.

Still, the weekend looms ahead and I cannot wait. At the very least, it means I don't have to set my alarm and the blissful luxury of being able to sleep in awaits me.

I was hoping I might get to go to the DMV yet again but, alas, it does not seem to be in my immediate future.

Yes, I repeat, I was hoping I might get to go to the DMV.

This may seem like a strange and un-Monkeypants thing to hope for, especially given my previous DMV rants.

Don't get me wrong, I still despise them with every fibre of my being but the sad fact of reality is that I need them.

I wish there was an alternative, that there was a happy place to go to take care of all things vehicular-operation related but, alas, the Portal to Hell seems to be my only option.

If you read my blog regularly, you'll recall my last unsuccessful attempt at the DMV. I went to finally give up my California license in order to exchange it for an Ohio one. I took my Ohio test. I passed. Then I was told that the State of Indiana had a hold on my license and they'd suspended it. Lovely. How kind of them not to let me know. I finally discovered it was because of an accident I'd had in 2001 that wasn't even my fault. The DMV said it never received proof that I'd been insured at the time. Never mind that the police report has my insurance proof on it. Never mind that there's countless tales of "The Indiana DMV lost my insurance proof" on the internet. Never mind that it was EIGHT YEARS AGO.

Being the responsible little Monkeypants that I am, I was horrified. I asked how I could fix it. I was told I could go to an Indiana DMV License Reinstatement Centre with a Certificate of Compliance from my Insurance Agent and get reinstated.

So I did. The only problem was the insurance company hadn't filled out the form completely. They forgot to put their name and address on it. The DMV office couldn't accept the form, nor would they let us write in the information. I drove all the way to that DMV which, I'd like to add was not conveniently located, for absolutely no reason.

I tried again Monday, faxing the completed form to the DMV per the instructions of the lady who'd turned me away. I'm now waiting seven-to-ten business days for it to clear and have the hold removed. Then I can attempt to get licensed in Ohio.

Except...now there's a problem there. I guess my attempt to do the legal thing and get my license changed over in the first place has now alerted the Ohio DMV that I'm having trouble in Indiana. Last night, I got a delightful letter in the mail informing me that as of three weeks, my license will be suspended in the state of Ohio, that I must surrender it and not drive until my issues in Indiana are resolved.

The problem with this is that I am receiving the same notice that someone who has commited a crime would receive. It's the "You Screwed Up and We're Going to Punish You by Taking Away Your Driver's License" letter. In Ohio, they take away the license after you get 12 points in two years or you get more than two DUI's. I know this because I read the handbook before taking my test.

Here's the thing: I didn't do anything wrong. After my accident, we called the police. The lady who hit me admitted it was her fault. My damage was paid for by her insurance. My insurance company was alerted. Now, I don't know if it was my insurance agent who didn't send in the form or it was that the DMV lost it. Either way, because, alas, I am not psychic, I did not know that the form hadn't been received because no one told me.

Now, I admit, in many cases, that's the excuse of a passive-aggressive person: "I didn't do it because no-one told me!" It's easier to place the blame on others because sometimes it's hard to admit we made a mistake.

However, in this case, I truly don't think I can be at fault. After all, I managed to change my Indiana license to California when I moved to L.A. in 2001. I've renewed my license plates at the DMV several times since 2001. Thus, they know where to find me. They have my address on file.

Which leads me to wonder how, exactly, I managed to drive for eight years without being informed that my license was suspended in the state of Indiana.

You can see why I'm a little irked, right? I'm also a little worried because I really need my driver's license. If I look at the logical steps, I've already sent in my paperwork to Indiana. I just need them to remove the hold which, theoretically, should be next week. After this, I have to go to an Ohio reinstatement centre, apparently pay $30 and be reinstated there. Which is just fantastic since I don't want to spend $30 to get my license back when I didn't have anything to do with it getting suspended in the first place. I can appeal my case but that takes 30 days. My license is going to be suspended in less than 21 days. Thus...if, along the way, at any time, the Indiana DMV loses my form again, I'm going to be in some hot water.

I wonder if anyone has the same travails with the DMV that I do. I know they are the Pit of Despair for many people but why does it seem like I have more trouble than anyone else? All I want to do is drive legally in Ohio. I could have gone until January before my California license expired. Instead, I'm being punished because I tried to be responsible. I'm just glad I didn't wait. I'd hate to think what the DMV would do then.

Yet, we are all at the mercy of the DMV if we want to drive our cars. Unlike with airlines that make our lives difficult, we don't have a choice with whom we license our cars and ourselves to drive. Besides, in United Airlines' case, they did, at least, send me a gracious reply after I emailed again telling them I didn't like being ignored. They also gave me $250. I may not like their planes but I appreciate it anyway. It's a bribe but I'll take it.

I don't see the DMV apologizing for anything. They don't have to, that's the problem. I know they have to cater to a lot of unsavory folks but I do wonder why, exactly, they try so hard to live up to their reputation as being the Portal to Hell. Ah well, hopefully next weekend, I'll get to enter the portal and finally be legal to drive again. At least they did tell me they're going to confiscate my license. That was nice of them. I guess communication has to start somewhere.

Happy Friday and have a great weekend.

Simple Manners

Yesterday, we had another Awkward Bagel Meeting at work. This is because we had a new person starting and my boss brought in the bagels. This time, at least, he did introduce the new person but Bagel Day still evolved into "Staff Crowding into Conference Room and Talking to Their Friends." I don't really mind; it gave me time to talk to my friend and not have to work for a half-hour.

Yet it did occur to me that, as a group, we're a wee bit rude. Fortunately, this time, the new person has actually worked for our company before- prior to my starting here- and so he knows mostly everyone.

I hate being rude. I don't know if it's a British thing or just the fact that I've been raised by a good mother but I'm horribly conscious of bad manners. Yet, there are days, particularly Awkward Bagel Days in which I find myself slipping into the bad manners of those around me by ignoring the new person and chatting to my friends at work.

To be fair, if it's someone I know I'll be working with directly, I do try to converse with them, to get to know them. Yet if it's someone I know who will be only a peripheral in my workday, it's easier for me to ignore them. Sometimes, I'd like to be ruder to people but I have the hardest time with that because if I am even slightly rude, I feel guilty about it for the rest of the day.

I'm noticing more and more that manners are flexible things, changeable things. There are manners while driving, manners while talking, manners while on the cell phone...everything has an etiquette to it.

For example, this morning, I had to get on the interstate, as usual. My entrance onto it has been under construction ever since I moved. I'm used to it but it's still a little tricky. When I get on the interstate, I'm forced into a short lane that merges with the far right lane. If I can't get over into the real lane, I have to sit.

Most mornings, it's not hard. People tend to be kind and move over to let me in. This morning, I didn't have that luck. I had to stop in the temporary lane until a car had passed and I could get over. I hate having to do that, especially when the car that blocked me could easily have gone into the other lane. Instead, they ignored me and blocked me.

It's a small thing but it speaks volumes about that driver's view of the world. To me, driving is one of the simplest ways to express manners. You can be a good defensive driver and still be polite. If someone is 'stuck', it's nice to be generous and let them cut in front of you. However, if that person cuts you off in an attempt to get ahead of you, you shouldn't let them in.

I know, I know...driving manners are skewered to a driver's preference. Me, personally, I try to be a polite driver but I have no tolerance for rudeness. If you tailgate me, I will slow down and make you go ten miles per hour slower than we were going before. If you try to cut me off, I will speed up to make sure you don't get to do so. If I see you trying to get into a line of cars that's been sitting there a while by taking a 'shortcut', I will not let you in. You have to wait like everyone else. It's amazing how much of a 'code' you develop as a driver, the more years you do it.

Driving in Ohio is different from driving in L.A. There are different 'tricks' here. For example, in L.A., if you're on the freeway and you need to merge over during rush hour, the easiest way to do it is to find a big semi in the lane next to you. When traffic begins to move after being stopped, that semi takes a lot longer to accelerate and thus will leave a gap between it and the car in front. In Ohio, those semi-trucks go on the interstates but rather than the stop-and-go traffic of L.A., the interstates tend to move consistently at 60-75 mph. Unless there's significant space, it's a bad idea to try and cut in front of a semi here because once they get going at 70 mph, they can't stop that quickly.

It's just interesting to see how the manners of driving change in different regions. Since I work close to a college campus, it means cutting through campus to get to work in the mornings. There are rules of driving that pertain to pedestrians and I hold no qualms about admitting that I've made them up myself. Case in point: Students are dumb. I don't care how good their grades are, how many scholarships they earned, what rank in their class they hold: College students are dumb. Every morning as I attempt to weave my way through town while attempting to avoid as many of these students as possible, I inevitably have to pull some tricky driving maneuver to avoid hitting one.

Throughout town, there are a lot of crosswalks. These are clearly marked by horizontal stripes across the road. There's not really even any words to read. Each morning, I see at least one student who decides to cross the road without using a crosswalk. The sad thing is they assume that we drivers are going to know they're just going to walk out into traffic. The sadder part is that nine times out of ten, they choose to jaywalk within ten feet of a crosswalk.

Here's the thing: If I see a crosswalk, I instinctively look to see if there's anyone waiting to cross. If they're waiting, it means the student isn't quite so dumb because they intelligently assume that not all drivers are going to want to stop. So they wait for the ones that do stop. I get a little more irritated with the students who just assume everyone will stop and they just step into the street without looking.

These students are silly. However, they are, at least, using a crosswalk.

The ones I have no patience for are the ones who, as I said, decide to cross the street when there is a crosswalk within glancing distance. Yes, there are times when you need to cross the road and the nearest crossing is a block or two away. Jaywalking is understandable in this situation, provided it's done responsibly. This means looking and making sure it's clear before you cross. Playing Frogger with cars in a small town like this is just stupid. However, if you can see the crossing out of the corner of your eye, it's just plain lazy to not walk towards it and use it to cross. Seriously, it's less than ten feet away.

Of course, I'm not even factoring in the texters/phone-talkers. The phone-talkers are slightly more up on the evolutionary scale than texters although they both rank in the not-so-bright category of street manners. It is possible to talk on the phone AND make sure you don't walk into traffic. If you're so engrossed in your conversation you forget that a car moving at 35 mph will hurt you if it hits you, perhaps you ought to sit down and not move while you finish the conversation. As for the texters...well, those students need a good slap over the head with a shoe. I confess, I have walked and texted. It's easy to do. I just DON'T DO IT WHEN WALKING INTO TRAFFIC.

Sorry. I almost hit one of those yesterdays. He was one of those dopey looking students with the messy hair and tight jeans. He was texting, very focused on his digital conversation when he stepped into the street. My light was green. He had a big "Don't WALK" hand as his traffic signal. I had to stop, suddenly. He blinked at me as though he'd just woken up.

As I said, students are dumb. It means that my Theory of Driving Manners goes out the window when I'm near the campus. It's hard to be polite when you're dodging students who appear out of nowhere.

I digress. As usual. Back to the original topic...manners. I could go on about this for hours since they effect every aspect of life. I'm no Miss Manners but I am a human and I can't help but think there are times when manners should be instinctive. Yet we're all different so maybe I should take that into consideration.

Then again, I've been to the DMV a fair amount this year. Perhaps we're not all human after all.

That would explain so much.

Happy Tuesday.

Adventures at the DMV...Again.

I'm going to try to be happy that it's Monday today. It's a beautiful day out there. There's a very slight crispness to the air, the sun is shining and as I drove in, there was a light mist hanging over the fields, enough to make it seem mysteriously beautiful.

Of course, the mere fact it's Monday makes it hard to appreciate the things like that as I drove in my Monday-Morning-Stupor but I am trying.

I did manage to have a good weekend though, for the most part. I was a good homeowner and spent a good part of the day in the garden, trying to do some weeding and clearing. I bought some shrubs and a tree on Saturday from Home Depot and planted those.

I like gardening. I find it nice to be outside, doing something useful. I probably should have stopped sooner since today, I feel like I went to the gym yesterday. My hands are stiff and sore from pulling weeds and geraniums up out of the dirt. My back feels sore from bending. It's nice to know that gardening is good exercise. It must be if my muscles ache that much. Nevertheless, I'm pleased with what I got done even though when you look at my garden, it only looks like I did a tiny piece of weeding. I'm quickly learning that it takes time to get things looking good. I have at least a few more weeks of weeding before it's going to look tidy.

It was nice to have a project to work on. It distracted me from the fact that I had yet another disappointing trip to the DMV. I say disappointing instead of infuriating because in all honesty, this time it wasn't my DMV's fault. I had to go and take my Ohio written driver's test to switchover from my California license. I passed. I was excited about that. Unfortunately, when it came time to get my license, I was told, "Oh, looks like the State of Indiana has a hold on your license." Of course, the DMV couldn't tell me why because they didn't know. They gave me a number to call. I called it. Naturally, the State of Indiana is closed on Saturdays.

I was furious. The only thing I can think of is that either a) they don't have a record of me paying the speeding ticket I got last December or b). they're mad that I didn't get my license switched over sooner.

If it's option a, then the nice little receipt I dug frantically to find should prove otherwise. If it's option b, I'm a little confused. I'd understand if I lived in the State of Indiana that yes, I know, technically I should have got my license switched over after becoming a resident. However, if the State of Ohio doesn't care then why on earth would Indiana?

Here's the thing. I just bought a house. That's a permanent residence. For all intents and purposes, my apartment was a temporary residence. Thus, I'm doing what is legal by the State of Ohio and attempting to switch my license over within 30 days of becoming a permanent Ohio citizen.

I'm baffled. I'm also infuriated that the DMV can't make anything easy. I'll find out shortly as to why I can't get my damn license.

Ok. So now I know. I had an accident in 2001 in which a lady I worked with ran a stop sign and hit me. Apparently, my insurance agent back then didn't fill out the mandatory paperwork and so, as a result, my license has been suspended because now it looks like I didn't have insurance.

I find this interesting given that it happened eight years ago and since then have been permitted to get a California license as well as get Ohio plates for my car. Nevertheless, until I can get the stupid insurance agent to get me the requisite Certificate of Compliance, I cannot be a licensed Ohio driver.

Why can things never be easy? That's what I'd love to know right now.

Still, I'm not going to let myself get stressed over this. I do have a legal license and if anything were to happen where I have to show the police my license, I certainly have a story to tell them as to why I still don't have an Ohio license. Oh, the joys of being a grown up.

Still, I will say, this trip to the DMV to take my driver's test was far less nervewracking than the last one I took when I was 16. I never had to take a test in California so it's been a great many years since I first got my license and had to take the test. So much of driving becomes second nature over time and aside from a quick read of the specific State laws for driving in Ohio, I didn't have to do much cramming. When I was 16, I was terrified of failure. I'll admit this time, I had the typical test-taking adrenaline rush that I always feel when I'm a little nervous but overall, the test was easy. I just had to close my eyes and pretend I was driving.

There were so many young teens in the DMV though and I know that for them, it was a far more nerve-wracking experience. They don't yet have the experience I have as a driver and you can see the stress written on their faces. They want their licenses so badly, they want to have the freedom of being able to get from place to place by themselves. That tiny laminated piece of plastic is their ticket to freedom, their way of proving that they're on the path to being an adult. You can see the hope, the desire, the need in their eyes as they go to the DMV. They clutch their Ohio Driver's Handbooks with white knuckles, trying hard to retain everything they learned in Driver's Ed.

Things have changed since I was last there; now there's a testing area with computers set up. Back in the olden days, we had a pencil and a hard copy of the test. For me, taking a test at a computer terminal isn't as stressful. It's a familiar place for me and so aside from getting mixed up over school buses, I passed with flying colours. I missed one of those questions that has two potentially correct answers and I picked the wrong one.

I don't think some of the teens were lucky. I saw one girl, eyes red from crying coming out the same time as me, clearly license-less. I feel bad for her. She can retake the test, obviously but aside from the lack of license, she also has to tell her friends that she can't drive without her parents yet. That's quite traumatizing at her age, I remember that. That's one of the reasons the DMV is scary.

For me, the DMV is turning into a stress-filled place due to the fact I never get what I want the first time I go. Nevertheless, at least I know why now. Let's just hope my former insurance agent gets his act together and can prove that eight years ago, I was insured.

If he can, there will be another DMV trip in my future. Let's hope this one goes well. You know I'll keep you posted.

Happy Monday.

An Author in Search of Six* Characters (*six not required)

I've been blogging a lot lately. Given my tribulations with the DMV, it's probably healthier that I deal with my frustration using my writing rather than use, say, physical violence. That's the nice thing about writing. It's such a great outlet. Of course, it's also nice to unleash a torrent of frustration on a listening ear- I have a few of those and am grateful for all of them- but there's something nice about pouring your heart out about how you really feel. As you've probably noticed from my Stephanie Meyer rants, I tend to be slightly opinionated about...certain topics, particularly books.

I also love to blog because it's like a daily writing exercise. My writing has been at a bit of a standstill lately. I sent out queries to agents and haven't heard a word back, not even a rejection. Since I made a promise to myself that I'd try much harder to actually do something with my novels before I started another one, that promise seems to be buried in my subconcious and putting up a wall whenever I think about starting a new novel. I have a couple of ideas but none which are leaping to the front of the queue. So I've been doing little writing exercises to get myself over the hurdle of not writing.

When I write, music is of the utmost importance. In all honesty, every one of my novels has been inspired by a song that I've heard that's caused my mind to create a story around it. Sometimes the story is influenced by the song. Green Day's American Idiot album inspired a whole novel. I never stole from Green Day but I let their music weave a story in my mind using phrases from the songs to create a framework. I still love that novel because whenever I listen to American Idiot, Jimmy DeLeon, my main character, is suddenly in my mind again.

That's what I've been doing lately. I've been listening to songs and then writing based on that song. Last week, I did a short piece based on The Airborne Toxic Event's "Sometime Around Midnight." It's an awesome song, romantic, yearning, full of heartbreak and sadness and nostalgia. So that's the short story I wrote. I have no idea if it's legal or not to do that. I'm not plagarizing the song, just letting it tell me what to write. Now I'm doing one for Coldplay's "Viva la Vida." That one is harder because there are so many possibilities.

Whether or not it is legal, I don't care. I do care that I'm getting over my mental block. I don't consider it writer's block because I am still writing and I figure if I refuse to believe in writer's block, I won't ever suffer from it. I might have writer's 'obstacles' but not writer's block. It's the same thing as when I am in the middle of a novel and I get stuck. One of my tricks is to 'go out' with a character. I suppose that sounds insane to anyone who doesn't write but it's a really great way to get over being stuck. When I go out with my characters, I usually pick a location that suits the character. For example, in my romantic drama about a skateboarder and his unattainable crush, I was having trouble getting inside the skateboarder's mind. His name is Jamey. So I decided we needed to go to the beach (much easier in California than it would be now in Ohio). I packed up my bag, took my notebook and headed out. It turned out to be a rainy, cloudy day but it also ended up being perfect. What I do is 'interview' the characters, just let them talk to me. Sometimes, I'll ask questions, sometimes I'll just let them tell me their history.

It does sound crazy when I type it out but, I'm telling you, it's never failed to work. It's not like I'm actually talking out loud to them. I only do that in places where I know people won't see me. No, I just let it be a thought process between us. I've learned some fascinating things about my characters that way.

I suppose to a non-writer, that really does sound a little mental. After all, if I create a character, I should know everything about him/her already, right?

Not for me. I think I've explained before that I never really feel like I create the characters. They just sort of find me and they're the ones that guide my story. I tried hard to steer my last novel but my main character just didn't change the way he was supposed to and I ended up with a different version of my novel than the one I'd originally planned. The one that I did finish was better, it was twistier, darker but also ended much differently than the novel I'd set out write. I think that was the moment when I truly did realize that I don't control my novels, the characters do. I like that.

So, the question is, do I still keep up the ever-necessary quest to find an agent, stalling future writing in hopes that my past writing will get notice or do I take a break and write something new, riding out the storm of this nasty economy and hope that publishing takes an upswing and agents are more willing to read unpublished author's work?

I think I'll see what happens. I'll keep my mind open to new characters, new music, new ideas and, when I'm ready, I'll start a new novel. I think that's the best I can do. I'd say I was holding out to win the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award but, as I've said, that's a crapshoot, something for me to do with a finished novel rather than a place to truly pin my hopes and dreams. It's just another unanswered question like those queries I sent to agents; I never thought I'd want to be rejected but better that than no response at all, I suppose. I always was a creature who liked closure.

You know, I am starting to get an idea for a novel about the DMV so maybe I will start something new.

Happy Tuesday.

Adventures at the DMV, the Sequel

Yes, there are two blogs today. I've had so many condolences for my thrilling adventure at the DMV on Saturday, I thought it prudent to post an update.

I am now a registered Ohio driver.

Hurrah.

I won't say it was easy. In order to be a registered Ohio Driver, I had to have proof of my Social Security Number (SSN), as I mentioned on Saturday's blog. Due to the fact that my social security card is MIA, I had to thusly go to the Office of Social Security to apply for a replacement card.

Naturally, this was a fun experience. As with all beauracratic agencies, I had to wait. I had to wait a long time. During this time, they had a TV with a show called "The Doctors." Did you know that you can change the shape of your chin in five minutes with a simple injection? Me either! Of course, when the injections were performed and the results demonstrated, the poor girl who wanted a new chin merely look like a thousand bees had stung her and it looked pretty weirdly shaped but she did say she wanted to look different so I suppose she did get her wish.

Obviously, my waiting time was spent wisely. When I finally was called, getting a new Social Security card proved WAY easier than getting past the DMV. Ironic, don't you think?

Finally I emerged with a temporary card. I drove with my usual police-paranoia to the DMV. It was a different portal to hell than the other one I went to on Saturday. You know what?

They didn't ask for my SSN.

This DMV just took my driver's license and proceeded to register my car. Due to my intense irritation with this whole debacle, I finally said to the lady "Don't you want to see my SSN?" She blinked and you could tell it wasn't something she was used to answering. After a long pause she turned to her coworker and said "Do we need to see the SSN?"

Me, being the patient lassie I am, let them have thier little conversation in which both DMV employees looked baffled. So, I interrupted them and said "I was turned away on Saturday for not having a Social Security card so you better ask me for it now." I believe glaring was involved, me being the glarer, of course.

I think I might have frightened the lady a little. She meekly said, "oh, ok," and took a look at my temporary card. I left the DMV with two Ohio plates. Of course, they don't fit in my nice frame anymore 'cause apparently they put the dates on the bottom of the plate which is covered by a frame but I will not complain. Not today. You see, I rule triumphant! I now have legal plates.

Of course, they wouldn't let me switch my license over because I have to drive another 20 miles to the Highway Patrol Station to take a written test but that's another saga to begin some other time. For now, I have a legal California license and I don't have time to go take a test. I tell you, Ohio likes to make things difficult. If they require out-of-staters to switch their license when they move to Ohio, they should make it a little easier to take the test. You know, like at the DMV the way MOST states do.

Still, for now, I finally got what I needed. They say the harder you work for something, the more satisfaction there is. I wish it were the case with the DMV today but, alas, it feels slightly anticlimactic, like Christmas day after the presents are opened. However, at least I can now drive and leave my little town without the worry of red and blue flashing lights in my rearview mirror.

I better not speed, huh?

The DMV is really the Portal to Hell...

There is a TV show that I used to watch. I'd still be watching it except it's on the CW channel which I don't get and, also, it hasn't been on for a while. The show is Reaper. It was about a young man name Sam whose parents had made a deal with Satan and, on his 21st birthday, Sam's soul suddenly belonged to Satan. It's a funny show. Sam's work for Satan is that he has to capture demons who've escaped from hell. However, the best part of the show is that when he captured the demon, the dropoff point was the DMV because it was the gateway to hell.

I am here to tell you that I firmly belive that, perhaps, the DMV is the portal to hell. Every time I have to go, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, to try to be nice so that they will be nice in return. Unfortunately, trying to be pleasant at the DMV is a virtual impossibility. They might as well leave a sign above the door that says "Abandon all Hope, Ye who Enter Here."

You see, today, I had to go to the DMV. You'll probably remember from my earlier post this week that I've been waiting for my vehicle title to arrive in Ohio so I can register my car here. Well, the good news was my title had arrived from California. So, upon my discovery that the DMV is open from 9 a.m. to 12 p.m. on a Saturday, I was overjoyed to think that perhaps I would no longer have to worry about getting pulled over or even arrested for driving with expired plates.

This was not to be. I got up early, navigated through freezing rain and slick roads to go to the DMV. Last night, I had pulled up the list of what I needed. I made sure I had way more than the required documents, just in case. The primary form of ID that the DMV needs to register you is a driver's license. Then, the secondary form has to be something that verifies your social security number. So, they list things such as: Employer ID, Health Insurance Card, Credit Card and Tax Form. So, I took all of those things along with my green card and my passport.

So, imagine my dismay when the extremely rude lady at the desk tells me that none of those will work because the social security number is NOT printed on any of my ID cards. I pulled out my tax form. "No," she says, "That's not from the government." So I show her the fact that it's a 1040 form, it has my social security number on it, that I actually was smart enough to bring forms from several years and from both Ohio and California. No, still not enough. Apparently, the tax form to which they're referring is that old-fashioned paper booklet that they mail to you with a label on it.

Now, in case you haven't noticed, we're in an economic crisis. We are all encouraged to do our part for the environment thus we're encouraged to do everything online, especially our taxes. I have e-filed for at least the past five years as have the majority of the working world, I would venture to guess. While there are people who still sit down with their cheap-paper booklet and a pencil, gathering their W-2's, I don't think there are too many. I did my taxes with H&R Block, the only form I have is the one I took to the DMV. It's the one that was filed, the one that the government approved to give me my refund so why isn't that good enough?

I argue this with the lady for several minutes. She talks to her co-employees who all adamently say no, that will not work, it MUST be the paper form that I'm mailed. So I show her all of the cards I have. None of them will help because they don't have my SSN on them. So I say, still somewhat politely, that nowadays, identity theft is so rampant that it's not really a good idea to print the SSN on identifying documents. She shrugged. She said I could use a credit card but it had to have my SSN on it. WHO IN THE WORLD HAS A CREDIT CARD WITH A SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER ON IT??????

So, then I try another method. I show her the credit application and the subsequent approval that allowed me to buy my car in the first place, it, too, has my SSN on it. Nope, not one of the listed documents.

By this point, I was angry and upset. The website does not say anywhere the the SSN must be displayed, only that I had to bring documents that would show my identity. You may wonder why I didn't just show my Social Security Card. Sadly, I don't have it. I know I need to replace it but I haven't had chance because, you see, my plates have expired on my car and I have seriously been trying for two months to fix that.

So, I ask the lady if there's anything I can do to make it legal to drive my car. I was told I can get a temporary 30-day plate. Nope, for this, I have to have my social security number. By this point, I was livid and trying very hard not to pull a Christian Bale on her. So I said, "so...you're telling me I should drive illegally, even though I'm doing everything I can to be a good citizen." She blinks and said, 'Sorry. You could borrow a car." If I hadn't been so upset and thinking quickly, I should have asked to borrow hers. Of course, that would be illegal since I wouldn't be insured but I get the feeling she wouldn't care.

So, by this time, I was upset and just plain infuriated. I understand that people have to do their job. I understand there are always rules to follow. I understand that there are policies and procedures. Yet, sometimes, people are helpful anyway. Take, for example, the employees of airlines who have to man the desks during bad times at airports. They deal with angry, delayed customers. With these employees, I always remind myself that it's not their fault the planes are delayed or cancelled and though it would be easy to yell at them, there's no point. Being nice to them always works to my benefit because they're just doing their jobs.

The DMV is different. I seriously do think the employees there are trained to be as vague and rude as possible. Even when I pointed out that neither the list I had nor the list on their website said that an out-of-state driver's license was worthless as far as using it for a primary identification purpose. Their list does not state that I had to have a booklet from the government in order to use my taxes as ID, it does not say the credit card has to have an SSN on it. Even when I pointed out that nobody uses them as an ID number anymore, that did nothing. The horrid lady even suggested I bring in medical records. Great idea! Because I want the DMV people to have that kind of information about my life! Also, they all use MEDICAL RECORD NUMBERS now, not SSNs!

Obviously, I am angry. I am also still driving illegally. Apparently, if I get a copy of my school transcripts (official, of course), I can use those. I have them somewhere in a box in my apartment. I've also been told to go get a new Social Security card. Um, yes, I will...once I can drive the distance without being paranoid about getting pulled over. It's a catch-22.

So, after my experiences today, I can safely say that Reaper was onto something. The DMV is, perhaps a portal to hell.

The DMV has wondered why their reputation is so bad. It's because the attitudes and helpfulness of the employees are awful. Seriously, at the moment, you'd think they'd be happy they have a job when so many of the people they deal with aren't that fortunate. But, alas, I don't think this is the case. If I were being my normal, non-angry self, I'd say that maybe the employee helping me was just having a bad day. However, I don't think that was the case. I know they have a job to do, I know they have procedures but when their procedures are so fuzzy anyway and they won't bend an inch.

And so, I will try again on Monday, Official School Transcripts in hand. I know they have my SSN on them because that used to be our student ID numbers. Wish me luck...

Happy Saturday...