A Day of Weird Observations and Reflections...

Today was another day of observation and thinking at work. I'm not sure I'm observing the most useful things to my actual job or even thinking about the right things but they definitely kept my brain alert.

Today, I noticed that the hookah was still in the kitchen. I'm still not sure why. Someone finally moved it to a cupboard. Nobody has really explained why we now have a hookah in the cupboard but everyone's got something weird in a cupboard, I suppose.

It also occurred to me while I was in the Most Optimistic Bathroom in the World that it's actually quite weird to have the bathroom be optimistic, isn't it? I suppose it's a nice, private sort of place but it's not always that cheerful, is it? First thing in the morning it's ok but as the day goes by, it's not terribly aromatic or clean.

Still, our bathroom continues to tell us to have "Faith, Hope and Love," and to "Live." Also, "Live for Today because your life is NOW!". Sometimes, I'd like to replace "Now" with "Tomorrow," just to see what people would say but then that wouldn't be very optimistic, would it?

The bathroom manages to fascinate me though. Although, I'd like to state that I don't spend all day hanging around in the bathroom. That would make me Creepy Stalker Monkeypants and while a little twisted (in, hopefully, a good way), I don't strive for creepy.

I also had a rather long meeting this afternoon. It was one of those departmental ones where we have to go around the room and tell everyone what we've been working on. I can't speak for anyone else in my department but it's all a bit boring. I mean, it's ok if you find that sort of thing interesting but because we all, you know, work together, we tend to know what each other is working on if it's something we need to know about. I suppose it's a good that we get to keep track of one another but we all work in cubicles that are either next to/behind or in front of one another. It's not a big mystery.

However, we meet bi-weekly anyway. I try to listen but often find myself either doing strange doodles (although no more Strawberries of DOOOOM! lately). Often, I think about food. Today, I managed to come up with nine levels of Hell for my character from The Reluctant Demon. That was good. It's nice to have a productive meeting.

I also observed that a coworker was wearing a t-shirt that had a high school team called "The Tomahawks". I found that fascinating. It's an interesting name for a team. I suppose it's more politically correct than the "Indians". But…isn't the tomahawk a weapon? Isn't it the native American version of something like our shotgun? You don't see teams called the "Bergville Shotguns," or the Plainview "Axes" or anything, do you? The Tomahawks is just a weird name.

I also observed that someone's watch was making a shiny spot on the ceiling. I had a catlike urge to swat at it which is an odd thing to think considering I'm not a cat person. I like kittens but I found cats not to my taste. They're ok if they're someone else's cat but I find them to be hairball making creatures of extreme selfishness.

This, of course, led me to think about my puppies. Lately, Rory has been more finicky with her treats. She used to eat everything. Now, she's turning her nose up at the Boots and Barkley Target brand treats in favour of the Cesar dog treats.

I hate the Cesar dog. I can't explain why. It's a big headed West Highland Terrier. My dislike for the Cesar dog is a little odd since I have nothing against other West Highland Terriers. I find them quite cute. I just have this rather unpleasant urge to punch the Cesar dog in the head.

This sounds rather violent, I know. I'm not, by nature, a very violent creature. Most of my violence is imaginary and is fictional. I would never really punch a dog. For one thing, I imagine it's quite hard to actually punch a dog. Secondly, I like dogs and wouldn't ever want to hurt one. There's just something about that Cesar dog.

Then I began to ponder the evening walk I take with the puppies. I've figured out if we go out by about 5:15 p.m., we can avoid Larry the Potential Serial Killer who appears to not get home from work until right before 6 p.m.

At some points during the meeting, I did listen to what people were saying but most of the time it sounded like "blah blah boring product that isn't as interesting as the people who work on it think it is blah" or "blah blah database characters, blah"

I also had to fight off a case of case of Song-Stuck-In-My-Head. In this case, it was Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance". It made me want to sing out loud. It's not the type of song you want to sing out loud in a department meeting. Or, actually, it is but you know if you do, you'll be in some hot water. Or…people might be amused. Either way, I fought the urge.

I'm finding it disturbing that my musical tastes have suddenly and inexplicably evolved towards pop. I still like Green Day just not as much. I've become much more open to other music. I suppose that's not bad per se but it's just..different.

By the time the meeting was done, I was quite hungry and glad for the meeting to be done. My feet were cold and I wanted to get back to my desk because I was starting to get drowsy. This usually manifests as an extreme case of the yawns which becomes contagious. I know when I've got at least the people on either side of me yawning that I probably should try to cut back.

All in all, it was a very productive day as far as thinking goes…maybe not so much as work goes. But, at the moment things are pretty quiet in the office and I have to keep things interesting, somehow.

Especially when I have meetings.

Happy Friday and have a great weekend!

A Wonderful, Happy, Hour....

It was another beautiful day today. Now it's officially summer, it seems that Spring is trying to get back a little of the time it missed. It was warm without being unpleasantly hot, breezy with no humidity to hold back the fresh air.

It was the first day in a while where I've come home to lunch with the puppies and not wanted to go inside to the air conditioning. It made it hard to crate the puppies up and send myself back to my own cubicle-sized crate at work.

The afternoon didn't take too long to pass. It helps that I had a meeting with my boss among others. My boss is funny in meetings. He's ok in the ones where the entire staff have to attend or, even, when his own 'boss' is there. Yet when it's small groups of us, my boss is like a fidgety child. He likes to play with buttons on the computer. He also very frequently gets distracted and leads us down bizarre areas of discussion. For example, I learned that the term "crapper", used to crudely describe a toilet, was named after a plumber named something like Thomas Crapper. We looked it up on Wikipedia in the middle of a meeting. We also learned that my coworker worked at the most unfortunate Ruby Tuesday restaurant in the world. It burned down once. A mirror fell on someone's head and half the staff passed out because of carbon monoxide poisoning.

We've had a lot of odd discussions like this when my boss is present. Unbeknownst to him, I've actually started to not hate meetings when he's attending and no one higher up than him is going to be present. They're often quite...interesting.

Anyway, after the meeting with my boss, the afternoon whizzed by. There had been talk of a happy hour after work but, as I suspected, it either didn't happen or it became one of those 'exclusive' happy hours that the annoying little high-school-esque clique in my office has sometimes. I may sound bitter but, actually, I'm not. I just get fed up of the slightly unprofessional vibe in the office that involves whispering, gossip and secret lunches/happy hours. It makes things a little uncomfortable for those of us not involved. It's not that we want to be involved but it becomes a much bigger deal that we're not because of the covertness of everything. It's much like everything in the office that is worthy of a staff meeting to announce something bit- it remains a horrible secret until we're in the meeting. This leads to paranoia and gossip that wouldn't be nearly as present if they'd just tell us upfront what's going on instead of making us wait until a staff meeting.

As I said, the happy hour didn't happen. Instead, I came home and spent some time playing with the puppies in the garden. Then I took my laptop out, grabbed a beer and sat outside and wrote a little of the novel I'm currently working on while the puppies played nearby.

All in all, I have to say, that's probably one of the best 'happy hours' I've ever had. Since I tend to prefer the company of the puppies to most of my coworkers, there was no awkward socializing. There was no trying to be friendly when, mostly, you wonder why you're spending your free time in which you're NOT getting paid to hang out with people you personally don't care for outside of working with them. Also, the beer was way cheaper. Also, it's a rare happy hour at a bar when a furry little dachshund catches sight of you watching her and makes a running leap to try to get on your lap to give you 'kisses.'

Also, I got to work on my novel which is always a nice thing, particularly when the early evening sun is shining down and the breeze catches you just right.

Now that....was a happy hour.

Happy Thursday!

Leaky Roofs and a Plethora of Basil...

It was definitely a Monday today. The day began with me walking sleepily to the bathroom to begin my morning routine and finding a wet spot on my carpet. I was surprised but I was half-asleep and not thinking. As I slowly woke up, I realized that the wet spot was really wet. I looked up and discovered a leak in my ceiling. This meant that my roof was leaking. We'd had some really heavy rain again last night so I should have figured that out sooner. Nevertheless, it still surprised me.

I took a quick peek up in the attic to see if I could see where the rain had come in but though I peered and used my handy flashlight, I couldn't see it. Since I had to get to work, I decided that it would have to wait.

I still haven't gone up there though. The ladder I have is very old and very rickety and to get up in the attic, I'd have to use the very last tread on the ladder. Since it wobbles horribly and I have no balance, I have horrible visions of falling off the ladder, knocking myself unconscious and having the puppies attempt to revive me by licking me to death. Even with cute puppies, this wasn't a picture I liked having in my mind.

Since we're not supposed to have any more rain for a while, I think I'm safe. I do think I'm going to have to track down the leak though. This past month has been my first in which I've really learned that being a homeowner means a lot more responsibility than being a renter. I've now replaced a ceiling fan, a kitchen sink and a kitchen faucet, all within the last month.

I'm really hoping that since it's such a little leak, it doesn't merit something so drastic as a new roof. That would be expensive and I quite like the roof I have, anyway- leaky or not.

Regardless of how big or small the leak turns out to be, this was not the way to begin a Monday on a positive note. My day was actually quite busy which was a little annoying since I wanted a day of working slowly and not getting much done. I was thwarted in my attempt.

When I finally made it home from work, I didn't feel like doing anything. Still, I decided to try and cheer myself up with a nice dinner.

I decided to make pesto. Aside from the pine nuts, I have all the ingredients in my pantry or in my garden, particularly the basil. Oh, yes, I have basil. You see, my mother and I have cultivated a love for the herb since we both started cooking properly. In the winter, it's expensive to buy and it's a bit of an extravagance to buy it regularly. Thus, this summer, we both planted basil in our gardens.

The thing with basil is that it grows. I planted some seeds and, when they were little seedlings, I put them in a big tub in my garden, expecting only a few of them to grow. They all grew. I have a large plethora of basil. To make it even more ridiculous, I had assumed my plants weren't going to grow so, since my mother had also ended up with a huge supply of basil plants, I took some of her extras. I now have a tub of growing basil as well as many, many plants scattered through my garden. I'm not complaining; I like basil. I'm just a little afraid of wasting it.

So, tonight, I made pesto. I made a quadruple batch so that I could follow the advice of a recipe site I found and make pesto cubes by freezing the pesto in an ice-cub tray. This way, I would have a supply to last through the winter. I have to ice-cube trays full now and with all the basil I still have, I think I could probably last through several winters.

I'm sure I'll find another use for the tasty herb though. It's just a treat to be able to go and pick what feels like a bushel of basil and still have a garden full. It's also an amazing feeling to be able to eat something you've made from something you grew from seed. This year is really the first year I've done that and it feels nice. Despite the weeds in my garden, it's starting to come along. Thanks to my mother's generosity, I've got far more plants than I expected. I love planting the cuttings and plants she digs up from her garden. I like the feeling of planting them in mine with the soil from her garden still attached- it's like a very organic bond is forming and will continue to grow each summer.

My pesto turned out very nice so Monday is looking up. I still have a leaky roof but since it's not raining, I think there's no need for panic. I need to mow my lawn but it's looking a little like a swamp out there after the rain last night. I should really do something productive but, alas, since it's Monday, I think I'm going to do what I meant to do at work today...pretty much....nothing.

Happy Tuesday!

Small Changes and More Awkward Bagels

The strange thing about a new year is that even, as I said, it's just a date, it's a time when, for me, at least, there's a little expectation that things are going to change immediately. In a way, I can't complain- today at work, two things changed. One, I got my chair back. If you remember the Saga of Captain Monkeypant's Chair, you'll remember that it got broken in the move from our old building to our new, I got accused of breaking it myself and then our HR manager took it to glue it.

Well, the gluing didn't go so well. Apparently, my HR manager had trouble getting the glue to dry. She discovered that the chair was under warranty and so requested a replacement back to repair it. In the meantime, I was relegated to the Most Uncomfortable Office Chairs in the World. At one point I did inquire as to my old chair and our HR manager offered it back to me with the warning that 'it's still broken and it's worse than ever." Well, given that it was pretty bad before, I politely told our HR manager that I'd hate to have to file a worker's comp suit if my chair did cause me to take a nasty spill. Yes, there is irony in the fact that I had to remind our HR manager of things like that. Today, when I got my chair back, I was happy. My coworkers mocked my enthusiasm but, let me tell you, until you lose a really good chair with back support to a crappy one with no wheels and no give, you don't know how much you're going to miss.

The second thing that happened was that my boss finally wanted to talk to me about the issues I brought up over a month ago. These were issues where I told him that I wasn't feeling like I was being utilized in the best way and that I needed to do other work as well as my regular duties because I was bored. Well, one meeting later and....well, the nice thing about having no expectations is that you're not disappointed. Essentially, I was told to continue just as I was doing. So...yeah...that happened. There's nothing like a meeting where you walk out wondering what the point was.

However, as I said, I no longer have any expectations. My current mission is to do my job well, let the irritating stuff roll of my back and enjoy the fact that I can escape from my office at the end of my day.

It was, however, a promising start to the year. At least my boss remembered I wanted to talk to him. Ok, so he did, as usual, invite my coworker to join us in the meeting which took away from the fact that I'd talked to him personally about my responsibilities but, well, he tried, right? It was progress, at least.

It is a decent start to the year. The bad part is that one of my coworkers, someone I actually like a lot, lost her sister on Christmas Eve. It was a similar situation for her family as one I went through with some good friends almost two years ago. It's hard to know what to say to a person who is grieving as hurting as much as my coworker. There's a desire in me to be that person who knows the right thing to say or not say, to give a perfect combination of words that shows wisdom, friendship and caring. Unfortunately, there are no perfect words, no perfect gesture. It's just a matter of letting her know that we're there for her, that there's nothing to fix the badness of the situation except time and even then, it doesn't get fixed, just merely distanced just a little. It made the air feel a little more somber than usual, no one knows what to say because it's impossible to know. She's someone who is usually the life of the party, the person who can always come up with a joke. Seeing her try but not have her heart in it was a slightly heartbreaking thing to witness.

It was even more awkward because the day started with an Awkward Bagel Situation. We have another new employee. This one is a receptionist. She seems nice. Her boss is our HR manager. I already feel sorry for the receptionist. Our HR manager did bring in bagels to our Awkward Bagel Meeting. Unfortunately, we weren't actually allowed to eat them during the meet and greet because we might have got crumbs on the table so we had to meet, greet and then go grab bagels before we went to our desks. I find this ironic and slightly amusing. At least when we have bagels, we can make conversation about the bagels. Today everyone shuffled into the conference room, half the staff had to stand up because there weren't enough chairs. Then our HR manager barked out the order for our new receptionist to tell us about her. Then we had to go around the room and say our name, just like any awful first-day-of-class. The thing with situations like that are that, well, they're awkward. The poor newbie knows he or she will NEVER remember anyone's name until they interact with them and even then, she'll still get confused about which one is Bob or Chris or Alan or whoever for at least a couple of months. There was the mandatory joke about whether she'd have to take a pop quiz later or not. She laughed. We laughed. That's what we do, you see.

Then we were immediately dismissed to get bagels. Personally, I think it might have been a wee bit smarter to take her around and introduce her to us at our desks. That way she can at least have some idea of where we might belong at least by where we sit.

Still, there were Awkward Bagels and that made it worthwhile which is probably the point.

All in all, it was a rather strange yet interesting start to 2010 in the office. There were some changes but I know the big ones are going to be down to me. I'll keep looking forward. Maybe there will be more bagels in the future. At least next week, there will be cookies or cake. It's my birthday, you see, and I'm encouraged to bring treats to share. I plan on baking. I say plan because sometimes plans because waylaid by lack of time, lack of ingredients and, most commonly, lack of desire. Still, right now, my intentions are good.

I think I might just leave the cake in the kitchen and tell people to help themselves. I think an Awkward Cookie/Cake Day would be rather worse than bagels because what if they don't like the baked goods? I always have this fear that when I bake, I'll be pelted with the leftover cookies that people don't eat because they take one bite and decide it's the worst thing ever.

On second thoughts, maybe buying cookies might be a better idea.

Happy Tuesday!

Imposter Chocolate and Other Miscellaneous Thoughts...

It's still gloomy outside. Today, due to the incredible level of humidity, we're supposed to have fog that is 'fluid'. This means that the fog is moving all over the place and might not stick around. To me, this seems to be a bit of a weather cop-out. It's a creative way of saying "there's fog in some places but if you don't see any, it might be pop-up fog". Can fog really 'pop up'? I sort of envision fog more...creeping in, rolling in across the land. I would be rather alarmed if I was driving and suddenly there was fog right where there was none moments before.

Nah, I think it's really just another way of saying, "it might rain!" Thanks, Mr. Weatherman, as always, you've been most helpful.

It's been an overall gloomy week outside. My lawn is slowly growing and, while it isn't wet, it's damp and soggy and the mosquitoes are thick and eager. I cannot go outside and return without a bit. I do wear repellent but I think that mosquitoes are becoming immune to repellent. I tried not to venture out much last night but it's rubbish day in the 'hood so I had to drag my bin to the curb and take out the recycling. Fortunately, I dodged every bite but one.

I think the weather outside takes its toll on people inside. You can always tell when it's been bright and sunny because people are more alert, more friendly. With the oppressive gloom, people seem to keep more to themselves, finding themselves weighed down by the heavy humidity and the burdens of life.

I've been trying to fight the gloom. It's hard, I admit. My house is not terribly airy when it's muggy outside. As a ranch style house, the windows are all along the outside and the centre of the house has no air flow. My living room windows have no screens so I don't open them. It makes it warm in the evenings but as I said yesterday, it's just a little sticky but not sweltering hot as it was a month or so ago.

Of course, according to Mr. Weatherman we are supposed to see cooler weather during 'the second half of the weekend.' Unfortunately, he followed this by saying, "so, by Tuesday, temperatures should be lower." How, exactly, he interprets Tuesday as "the second half of the weekend," I'm not too sure but, as I always say, he's the Weatherman and his ways are a mystery to me. I think I'll keep it that way. It keeps me entertained in the mornings and helps wake me up as I try to puzzle his strange phrases such as "impulses of rain," "fluid fog" and "pop-up thunderstorms."

Ah well, we're in that strange phase that happens between seasons. It's not cool enough to be Autumn but the days of summer are behind us. Summer is struggling to hold on so it's bringing humidity and warmth but Fall is just beyond the horizon, still changing the colour of the leaves and dropping them from the trees and proving its arrival by giving us pumpkins in the supermarkets, on roadside stands and on the porches of those that don't mind replacing them regularly until Halloween.

This year, I'm quite excited that I live in the type of neighbourhood where people put out pumpkins. I have a strong feeling I'll get a lot of trick or treaters this year because there a ton of kids in the neighbourhood. That's going to be fun...I think. Of course, it means a financial investment in the treats because no-one wants to be known as 'the lady who gives out crappy candy at Halloween.' To me, this means those nasty peanut butter kiss things in the waxy orange and black wrappers and Tootsie Rolls. I know, I know, some people like Tootsie Rolls. To me, they're impostor chocolate. You reach for them when you really crave chocolate and...they fail you. If I'm going to eat chocolate, I want a Cadbury bar, not some nasty chewy fake chocolate thingy that takes longer to unwrap than to eat.

The fruity Tootsie Rolls are an exception. I like those but that's because they don't pretend to be something they're not. They just are fruity goodness in the form of a chew. Kind of like Starbursts. I love Starbursts which used to be called Opal Fruits in England but are now also called Starbursts. The only thing I don't like are the grape ones. This is because the first time I ate one in the U.S., I saw the purple and assumed, like in England, it'd be blackcurrant which is one of my favourite flavours. Not so. It was a nasty grape one. The same also goes for watermelon. Watermelon and grape flavours rarely taste like the real fruit. Thus, I shun them because they're vile.

So, obviously, this is one of those blogs where I just start typing and I end up babbling. I hope that's ok. Even if it's not, it's not like I'm going to erase it and start over. I would, actually, except I have a meeting at work. This will most likely be a meeting that irritates me because it's going to end up trying to give me more work to do that shouldn't fall to me but I'm going to be an optimist and hope for a better outcome. At the very least, it'll give me a chance to doodle. I love to doodle. It helps me focus during meetings.

Sorry for the ramblings. Wish me luck on my meeting. As always, thanks for reading.

Happy Thursday.

Milk, Cookies and an Obligatory Nap in the Workplace...

There's a quote on my calendar today. It says: "Think what a better world it would be if we all, the whole world, had cookies and milke about three o'clock every afternoon and then lay down on our blankets for a nap"- Barbara Jordan.

I find that to be an interesting quote. In theory, it sounds like a lovely idea. I've always wondered what would happen if companies instituted a required nap/relax hour in the afternoons for everyone. It would be rather nice, at least in theory. Yet, based on experience in working in offices, I don't think it's much of a reality.

Don't get me wrong. I think it were announced in an office meeting room to the staff, their first reaction would initially be one of happiness and content. I mean, who wouldn't like to be given a designated lazy time, complete with snacks to soothe you to rest? From my own point of view, I like the idea but even when I was little, I coudn't take naps. I tried but I'd end up lying there awake. Finally, my teacher let me get up quietly and read a book in the corner while the other kids slept. I'd rather have gone to bed earlier back then and not interrupted my day with sleep.

I wonder if I'd be able to nap now. I can't even sleep on a plane very well at night. I can never shut my mind down for long enough to really sleep. Though, I will say, when I lived in L.A., there were days in the height of summer when the thermometer crawled past 100 degrees in which movement of any kind seemed exhausting and after a morning of activity, my roommate and I would flop on our beds and not move for a while. I think that might have constituted a nap.

Yet, my personal napping habits aside, I still don't think that the idea of having a regular 3 p.m. milk and cookie break complete with nap would work in an office. Here's my interpretation, based solely on experience:

Setting: A conference room in a small company. There are about 24 employees seated around a large table with some seated in the corner of the office back from the table. The four managers are also seated around the table. There are doughnuts at one end of the table. Some people are eating them.

Company President: We have some good news! We've decided that you work hard and we'd like to reward you by giving you cookies and milk at 3 p.m. every day followed by an hour nap.

There is murmured whispering. Some people are smiling. Others...are not.

Employee #1: That sounds great but I'm on a diet. (She pointedly looks around at the people eating doughnuts. At least one employee looks embarrassed and lays their doughnut down). Will there be healthy snacks as well?

Company President: Well, it's a milk and cookie break so no. We'll try to have some lower fat options.

Employee #1: Those won't help. They're not on my Weight Watchers.

Company President: You are also permitted to bring your own snacks.

Employee #2: I'm lactose intolerant. As you're probably aware, this is a medical problem. I cannot drink milk. What will you do to cater to that?

Company President (a note of irritation in his voice): There will water.

Employee #3 (quietly from the corner of the room): Do we have to take our nap?

(A pause.) Company President: Well, if you can't sleep, we can't force you.

Employee #3: Will we have to work an extra hour to make up for the hour we're sleeping?

Company President:(glancing at the other managers): Well, we discussed that and for now, we agreed not to do that. However, if productivity does go down, we will rethink the whole thing.

Employee #3: What if I need to work through my nap? Can I leave an hour early to compensate?

Company President: No.

Employee #4: But if we have vital work to do, why shouldn't we work through our nap and then just leave early to go nap at home?

Company President: Because the nap is company sponsored. If you nap at home, it isn't.

Employee #3: But if we're losing an hour of work because of this, it isn't fair. I have important work to do. I shouldn't be penalized for being efficient.

Company President: A nap is not a penalty.

Employee #3: It is if you need to work. You're saying I have to drop everything and nap. I'm being required to drop everything and nap.

Employee #5: What if we have a meeting scheduled at 3 p.m.?

Company President: Don't schedule meetings for that time.

Employee #6: Sometimes we have to!

Employee #3: Yes! Are you saying that the people we're meeting with are napping too?

Employee #4: And if we're travelling for business, do we still have to nap? I mean, technically we're on the clock, so are you saying we have to nap for an hour?

Employee #5: Right! And what if we are travelling. Do we take milk and cookies with us? Will we be given a per diem?

Company President: FINE! I TAKE IT BACK. NO NAP OR COOKIES FOR YOU!!!!!

The only thing I exaggerated in this discussion is the length. If it were a real meeting, it would go on for at least another 30 minutes. It may seem ridiculous but, believe me, I've heard this discussion in one form or another throughout a lot of my working life. Management try to be nice but the employees don't get that or they abuse it. It's sad. If you're wondering, I would not be any of the employees in the discussion. I'd be the one quietly sitting there trying not to laugh because of the ridiculousness of it. Then I'd go and write a blog about it.

No, my company hasn't tried to institute a milk-and-cookies-and-nap policy but they have tried various other mini-perks that have worked against them. They tried to require us to take a 30 lunch because they felt like it was good to have us take a break, stretch our legs, get some fresh-air, etc. That did NOT go over well. People felt targeted because of their child-care situations. They were used to skipping lunch and leaving early. While I agree that is rather nice, it is also nice to have a 30 minute period in which I can actually NOT work and it's ok.

Anyway, until I read my calendar, I had no idea what to blog about today. Fortunately, the quote inspired me. I, personally, would rather like to have milk and cookies at 3 p.m....as long as it wasn't an obligation. Also, I'm not actually big on cookies. I like milk but not always. There's just no pleasing us all, is there?

Happy Tuesday!

The Monkeypants Guide to Surviving Meetings

I'm going to try to attempt to blog in the evenings this week due to the fact that I have a conference training thingy at work that is going to eat my life away for a week. On the plus side, I've been told that the food is good and I get fed, at least for lunch, every day. The downside is that I've also been told the training is boring and dry. So...while I will try to be a good little new employee, I have a feeling that my mind is going to start to wander as it always does when it's not terribly thrilled with paying attention, most commonly occuring during meetings.

Work meetings have always been hard for me. I usually like my actual job. I just despise meetings. Very rarely does anything actually get accomplished in a meeting. Instead, people talk about what should be accomplished but, inevitably, the people they will have to talk to to do any accomplishing aren't at the meeting. Which means another meeting will have to be set up to include that person. And then, sometimes, that person needs to talk to another person and so on and so forth. It ends up being a vicious cycle of meetings.

The worst are phone meetings. I hate phone meetings. I've sat through many a phone meeting in which we all have to dial a special number, go to a web page and then wait until everyone else arrives. Then the host of the meeting hits a magic button and all 'attendees' can see his or her computer screen. Sometimes, they were interesting. For about five minutes. The rest of the time, I would try very hard to pay attention but when the host of the meeting is spending fifteen minutes tweaking his screen so the program he's demonstrating runs right, it's quite understandable, I think, that I zone out. Sometimes I surf the internet. The bad part about this is that occasionally the host of the meeting will switch the setup so that my screen is the one everyone can see. I've had some near misses with those. Emailing with a friend in which you're mocking the host of the meeting is not a good idea if there's a chance everyone could read your screen. However, after a particularly near miss of getting caught being a naughty Monkeypants in a phone meeting, I took up other hobbies like paperclip sculpting, drawing with crayons and sudoku. Generally speaking, I was still quite able to get the gist of the meeting and find out what I was supposed to do in the last five minutes of the meeting so, you see, it all worked out.

Live meetings are a little more fun though. I make sure to take paperclips so that I can sculpt and occupy my hands when I am ready to doze off. I realized one day I wasn't the only one who was a bit bored in a meeting after I had sculpted a particularly fine little paperclip man. My coworker reached over, quietly took my man and hung him from a rubberband noose he'd just finished making complete with a paperclip scaffold. And yes, that is a true story.

My other meeting pasttimes include looking at the attendees and figuring out one of the following:

• Which Harry Potter character would they be?
• If they were an animal, which animal would they be?
• What would be their karaoke song if criminals came in and held us at gunpoint, threatening to kill us if we didn't sing karaoke. (This, of course, would lead to the inevitable musings of what would cause the criminals would come into the meeting in the first place and what would they look like?)
• What would they do if I decided to dance on the conference table like Michael Flatley and his Riverdance chronies. (I can't actually Riverdance. I just like the idea).
• Who would I like to see naked? (Very cliche but it's SO hard to not go there when you're trying to NOT go there). The answer was usually a resounding no-one. I haven't had much luck in my offices where there is anyone I'd like to see naked or even just partially clothed. A sad fact, I know.

There were plenty of other daydreaming techniques I have. As a novelist/writer, meetings are an excellent way to solve writing dilemmas. More than one ephiphany has come during a meeting. In fact, I wrote the opening of my last novel while sitting through a particuarly boring meeting about hardware firewalls. My boss asked me to go in his place since he couldn't make it. He'd only signed up in the first place because there was a free lunch. Perfect place to start writing a new novel. I got a free Subway sandwich and chips, a break from work and a quiet place to write. And best of all, it looked like I was taking notes. Actually, that was a good meeting now that I think about it.

There are some tricks to being an effective meeting goer. Naturally, it involves looking like you're paying attention. This usually means you nod a lot at the speaker and make good eye contact. You look like you're taking notes, even if you're really making a shopping list for groceries to buy on the way home from work. Don't let your brain detach completely if there is a chance you will need to speak. This is tricky because sometimes you don't know when it will occur. If caught off guard, quickly glance down at the agenda to remind yourself what the meeting is about. Then look as though you're pondering something and drag yourself back to reality and find a way to pass the responsibility onto someone else. This is usually effective when you say something like, "Well, I know Frank was working on that and though I keep trying, he's reluctant to give me a response. I'll check with him as soon as I get back to the office." This not only buys you time but also has the bonus effect of making Frank look bad. Unfortunately, this sometimes means another meeting in your future to which Frank will be invited but, the general Monkeypants Rule of Meeting Survival is to always blame Frank. Or whoever your Frank might be.

Of course, there is another type of meeting- the motivational group meeting. My current job, so far, hasn't had any of these. My old job had yearly ones in which we'd be forced to get our entire department together and work in groups to promote unity, positivity and whatever slogans the managers had recently seen when browsing Successories for motivation. Personally, I prefer the demotivators but they didn't seem to go over so well with the managers.

And the problem with these motivational meetings is that no one really wants to be motivated. They want to continue to be bitter and angry because the managers are clueless as to the real problems they face on a daily basis. They don't want to get together in pre-arranged, specifically-manufactured-to-make-coworkers-who-are-enemies-get-along-for-an-hour groups to make up songs that are supposed to be funny, clever and gently mock the daily activities of the department. They don't want to sing Kumbaya for an hour together because after that hour is up, Coworker X will still be a pompous twit, Coworker Y a lazy but slick politician who manages to do nothing and still reap promotions and rewards and Coworker Z will still be playing computer games all day long while the rest of the office has to pick up the slack because everyone knows it's useless to say anything.

All in all, you probably figured out that I'm not a huge fan of The Meeting. I don't mind small meetings that have a point. I don't mind if there's a real, honest purpose to having a meeting. I especially don't mind if, at the end of the meeting, there is a cold, hard solution to a problem on the table, or, at the very least, a result that doesn't call for another meeting but gives the attendees a reason for being in that room for an hour.

Fortunately, I haven't had too many meetings lately. Instead, I've had training. At least with that, I learn something...theoretically. I'm hoping this week is educational, even if it is dry. At the very least, I'm looking for a new writing project so maybe I can come up with one. As long as the food is good and there's coffee, I can survive.

As long as they don't ask us to sing.