Captain Monkeypants' Great Epiphany: Sponsored Flights

Today, I will not rant about United Airlines. I did enough of that yesterday. They also received a nice letter of complaint from me. One thing Captain Monkeypants likes to do is to write a strongly worded letter when something does not please her. This is why I've written letters to restaurants when they take things off their menus that I like or when I write to airlines if they irritate me with their crappy service. For the most part, it's mostly just a therapeutic way of dealing with things. I'm never rude, just...blunt and to the point.

I'll let you know how United responds. I've discovered in my Nightmare Travels that the usual way is to throw a voucher at me to try to get me to shut up. In this case, I don't think that's going to work. You see, a voucher would mean I'd have to use THEIR service and, well, given that I despise them with every part of my Monkeypants being at the moment, United Airlines isn't going to be a large part of my travel future.

If I was a better business woman, I'd start my own airline: Monkeypants Air. I had a novel idea after watching TV last night and seeing a commercial for the Glad Stick and Seal wrap stuff. They had everyone on an an aeroplane using it when they hit turbulance. Very useful stuff that, I'm a big fan myself.

I digress. Anyway, I started to think, wouldn't it be cool to have "Sponsored Flights?" I mean, seriously, if you're a company with a product that needs promotion, what better way to raise people's awareness than to trap them in a plane with you?

I'd use my own company's software as an example but we're a bit of a niche market. Also, despite my constant suggestions that we aim towards newer, younger clients who aren't on the verge of retirement, currently our company still seems to be continuing to cater to our somewhat curmudgeonly old-school clients. I'm not saying this is bad but, as a newcomer to the company, I can't help but wonder what happens when those people start retiring and their replacements are overwhelmed by our product. We provide training and consulting but, to me, it still seems like it'd be helpful to 'hold-the-hands' of new clients to lure them in and help them feel like we're not talking over their heads.

I digress. Again. So, let's not use my company. Let's use a company that we all may know...Subway Sandwiches.

Now, everyone knows Subway's doing ok. They're healthy, have great deals and can be found everywhere. They shouldn't need to promote much more than they do, right?

Except...I disagree. Sandwiches aren't terribly hard to make; the most they really require is a toaster oven to make 'em nice and hot and one of those oven things in which to bake the bread. They don't need to come with french fries; they can use potato chips (crisps is actually what I originally typed being a die-hard Brit and all but I realized I should probably gear this towards my U.S. readers since I do live here and all). My point is...there are a lot of competitors popping up to challenge Subway. Some of them are very good. Yes, Subway is healthy but other sandwich shops do offer tastier options that benefit from not being so healthy. They're also getting smart and offering five-dollar foot-longs, just like Subway. Subway even has acknowledged this and started their "Imitation is the highest form of flattery campaign." Smart.

But it still means they're constantly competing with Quiznos, Blimpie, Togos, Jimmy John's, Penns Station...whatever sandwich chain happens to be in your area. Although they rely on fresh ingredients, they're not as hard to set up as a fast food restaurant because of the lack of need for heavy cooking equipment. Thus, competititors are always cropping up, trying to oust Subway from our consciousness.

So my conclusion is that Subway would be a perfect candidate to 'sponsor' a flight. I'm not talking about putting logos on planes and making everyone have to buy Subway sandwiches if they want food. No, what I'm talking about is marketing. Think about it. You have planes full of people. They might have work to do, books to read, movies to watch but, chances are, they're going to be slightly bored, no matter what they have to do. While I enjoy reading a good book on a plane, I'd much rather be on the ground reading that book. I'd feel less trapped.

So, what if companies sent representatives on planes with us? They could conduct focus groups, give out samples, get feedback. Basically, they could have the opportunity to get everyone on that plane to want to eat at Subway every time they wanted a sandwich.

Given how much companies spend on advertising, it might actually be good for the passengers too. Companies could 'subsidize' flights, covering part of the cost of each ticket for passengers who would knowingly know they were on a 'sponsored' flight and agree to pay attention. I suppose it'd be a little like one of those time-share companies who woo customers in with free vacations in exchange for listening to their spiel.

Aside from lowering the cost of tickets, it would also be good for the airlines. If ticket costs lower and table out, people might actually CHOOSE the airline they fly based on the product being promoted rather than have to grab a flight because it was cheapest. We could even change air travel completely. First class passengers obviously wouldn't want a sponsored flight because it would be 'tacky'. We could convert planes/build new ones that are entirely first-class. That way everyone on that flight could walk on their stupid red-carpet and feel special while the rest of us can enjoy the fact that we are all equal: We all want our Subway Sandwich Flight...no red carpets here. Only ones emblazened with the logo of the company sponsoring our flight.

The possibilities are endless. For example, if you're flying to a place that relies on tourism, such as Las Vegas, why not have them sponsor the flight? They could promote the city and make everyone more aware of what's on offer, not just the casinos but the Grand Canyon trips, the Hoover Dam trips, the restaurants, the shows....it'd be a way to get a trapped audience to learn more about what's on offer.

I know. I probably sound a little crazy. I'm just trying to find a way to make flights easier, better, fun for passengers. If a corporation, company, group, etc. sponsors a flight, it'd would make the airlines have to be more accountable for their actions. The company could help offer quality control in exchange for exclusive promotions.

It's just an idea. The way I look at it is that five years ago, we were outraged that they showed commercials before movies. Now we've come to the point where we still hate it but it's just part of the package. We're an adaptable species. If I can get a Subway Sandwich flight on Monkeypants Air that only costs me half the price of a regular ticket provided I give feedback and attention to the Subway rep for the portion of the flight they command, I'm there.

I probably sounds a little whacked out today. Truth be told, I had planned on blogging about Vegas and the Monkeypants Restaurant Tour (Exterior Only). However, I sat down and this is what came out. Um...yay?

On the plus side, this is on the internet now. It'll be date-stamped and officially 'published' by blogspot so if someone wants to steal my idea, they can go ahead. But I'll expect credit, thank you very much. Perhaps if it happens, I really can start my own airline.

Nah. Nice thought though.

Happy Tuesday.

The Joys of Flying: Paying More and Getting Less

It's muggy, grey, cloudy and humid out there. There's a strange mist hovering over the fields but it isn't over the water which is unusual. I drive by a cemetary every day and the mist was thicker there. Naturally, I find that fascinating and strangely magnetic; it's a natural creepiness that suits my dark sense of fiction.

It does make for a gloomy drive, one which is difficult when I am already wishing I didn't have to get up for work. Things feel more distant on days like this, as though I'm passing through a world that doesn't know I'm there.

But I am here now, earlier into the office than usual because there was less traffic than usual. Perhaps everyone else decided to stay home in bed.

However, I did not and here I sit, ready to start a new day of work. I also have another mission to accomplish while I work: I need to book a plane ticket.

The problem with the ticket is it's for next weekend. I'm usually much better organized than this when it comes to travel. However, I asked my boss last week in hopes I'd have permission to take a day off work and still haven't heard back. His lack of response has led to my procrastination.

Booking plane tickets these days is a complicated process. There are almost too many sites to on which to search. I usually start with my old standbys, Sidestep.com and Mobissimo.com, sites which scan multiple travel sites for me. I usually figure out from these sites which airlines are currently cheapest then go to the actually airline sites to book. Lately though, this has not been the best method. It seems as though flight prices jump up and down within minutes. One minute, I get ready to book a ticket and I'm told "The price for this ticket is no longer available." This has happened to me no less than five times now.

I actually hate airlines. I think I used to like flying when it was a novelty. I've complained about airlines before, once or twice. The thing is, they're becoming more hateable by the day.

I know it's a bad economy and the airlines are businesses that are struggling. Thus, the prices are higher than ever and the perks are less than ever. I hate that but I get it. However, it's the service I'm starting to have trouble with.

I was watching the news today and I heard about a flight from Houston that left passengers stuck on the plane for 16 hours. It was one of those horrible little small planes, the kind that you really only want to get on, fly and get off immediately. Apparently, the plane was diverted to Rochester, NY because of bad weather. Rather than let the passengers off the plane, Continental Airlines told them that because there was no security at the airport, they had to stay on the plane. They sat on that runway for six hours. According to the airport, it was actually Continental's choice to leave the passenger's there: They had security and the space for the passengers to wait.

I've been stuck on a plane. Usually, it's on a flight which comes before another that already has a tight connection. Thus, those minutes or even hours that you sit there, waiting to take off, not knowing if you're actually going to are already filled with the stress of wondering if you'll make that connection. Add in the crying babies, smell from the bathrooms and stale, germ-infested air and you've got some miserable passengers.

Ironically, I've found airlines to be some of the worst customer-service businesses I've ever encountered. When a problem occurs such as a missed flight because of a delay, while the personnel at the ticket desks try to help, they don't go above and beyond to remedy the situation. I know this is not their fault which is why I try to keep my temper with them. No, it's the airlines' policies that suck. Take, for example, my parents. They had a recent flight to the UK on Delta. They were flying from Indianapolis where they encountered a delay. They knew they weren't going to make thier connecting flight, so did the airline. However, rather than have my parents come back the next day, they told my parents to get on the plane. So they did. By the time they got to Atlanta, they had, of course, missed their connection. To make matters worse, there were no flights available until the next night. Thus, my parents were stranded for almost 24 hours. If Delta had listened, they would have been able to spend that time in the comfort of their home. The interesting thing was though Delta offered a discount for the hotel, they would not pay for my parent's stay overnight in Atlanta, even though it was really their fault my parents got stuck.

I know. Things happen. Yet lately, they seem to happen far more. Not only are air tickets expensive to begin with but there's those taxes and fees on top of it. So you might find a ticket from Cincinnati to Las Vegas for $280 but by the time the fees and taxes have been added, the ticket is $380. Thus....no longer a good price.

Then there's the fees incurred while travelling. American Airlines has now raised their baggage fees. It's now $20 to check the first bag, $30 for the second. This means, theoretically, you could pay $50 to be able to take enough stuff with you to go on a vacation. When you're already paying a lot more for the actual plane ticket than you'd like, those expenses just seem to be adding insult to injury. Let's not even talk about snacks on the plane. I recently flew American; they don't even take cash any more. You now have to give them a debit/credit card in order to be able to buy food or an alcoholic drink on a plane. This makes me worry about how much they're going to be charging in future. For me, using my debit/credit card is different from using cash. With cash, generally, it's been deducted in my mind from my bank account; I feel like it's ok to spend it. With my debit/credit card, I have to mentally calculate my bank balance and then decide if I want to spend the money, regardless of if I'm hungry and didn't get time to eat at the airport.

As I said, I know it's a bad economy and airlines need to make a profit. The crappy part is that we need to be able to fly. We don't have the luxury of time to drive to our destination and as I often regret, teleportation has yet to be invented. So, what do we do?

I'm not sure but I'm thinking that something has to change. Airlines need their profits but they're turning people off from flying because they're not raising their level of service to match the increasing prices. If they'd just treat passengers like people rather than cattle, that'd be a start. Also, do away with the class system. There's nothing more insulting than having a gate with a rope down the middle with a red carpet on one side for the 'elite' passengers. Ok, I get that businessmen who travel a lot get tired of us normal passengers being a little less efficient. I get that rich people pay more for their tickets to not be treated like cattle. But, really? Do we have to be quite so snobby as to have them walk on a red carpet? Really? It's not enough that we have to sit there patiently waiting to get on the plane knowing full well me might have to fight for overhead compartment space because we can't afford to pay $30 to check our bag? It's not enough that we know we Coach passengers are going to get stuck in the section with the crying babies and people who bring on really smelly food that pervades the air and makes us want to vomit?

Ironically, those businessmen and women who travel and get to walk on the red carpet are only getting to do so because they fly a lot. They rarely pay for their upgrades. Besides, they're travelling for business which means, chances are, they didn't even have to pay for their ticket. They can write off all their expenses so they can even check bags if they have to. Yes, I know I'm a little mean when I say this, but I often hope one of those business-suited men who stare at us 'cattle' with such disdain will trip on that red carpet and hold up the rest of the 'elite' line for a few moments.

So, who knows if I'll manage to book a ticket. I keep finding them at an affordable price only to see the exorbiant cost once fees and taxes have been added. Or, I find one that, even with the added charges, is still good only to see that it means a red-eye. I don't mind red-eyes sometimes but when it means I have to go to work as soon as I get off the plane, I prefer not to have to take one. Part of me likes the rabid search for the best price but when you're this close to the day you're going to fly, it's hard to find one. Wish me luck with that.

Of course, once I book my ticket, it means I get to go take my place with the rest of the cattle and experience the joys of flying coach.

Yippee.

Happy Tuesday.