Christmasy Weekends and another Bridget Jones' Party Experience

It's another Sunday evening where the weekend has flown by entirely too fast. It's a wet, chilly night out there- the rain has been coming down for a couple of hours and with the glow of my Christmas tree lights, it seems positively cosy in my living room.

I've tried to have a very Christmas-y weekend. I decided earlier in the season that since I adore Christmas so much, I was going to make the most of it and try and be as festive as possible this year. It's hard to avoid jumping right into the Christmas spirit when the stores are festooned with yuletide glory, the radio is full of Christmas music and it seems like it smells like cinnamon everywhere.

I put up one of my Christmas trees on Friday night. Normally, I only have one. However, for the past couple of years, my sad, Walmart Black Friday $20 Bargain Tree has been looking a little forlorn and pathetic even when I've tried to hide the gaps with decorations and garlands. So this year, I splurged and got a new tree. It's very nice with no gaps and it looks somewhat real. I'd actually rather have a real one but since I spend Christmas at my parents' house, it seems a bit of a waste. I contemplated one of those burlap-bulbed trees so I could replant it but even though my little Toyota Corolla can haul far more than you'd imagine, I'm not quite sure even I could figure out a way to get a Christmas tree home in my car.

So, I got a nice artificial one. The only problem was that I couldn't bear to part with my little forlorn tree. It was the first tree of my own that I ever owned. Thus, I decided to bedeck my Tuscan room with my forlorn tree and use the new one in my living room.

Friday, I put my new tree up. I drank mulled wine and watched "Elf." I baked chocolate chip chocolate cupcakes and whoopie pies for a friends' party on Saturday. It was a very festive evening and I enjoyed every minute of it. By the time I was done, my tree looked rather nice, if I do say so myself.

Saturday, I did some Christmas shopping in the morning and then came home, put up my simple outdoor decorations- just a garland and bow around my little lampost and a couple of little pre-lit porch trees. Then I put up my forlorn tree in my Tuscan room. I also frosted the cupcakes I'd made with peppermint buttercream and filled my whoopie pies with candy-cane Hershey Kiss buttercream. Then I headed to my friends birthday party.

The first sign it wasn't going to be a great success was that just as I was lifting my cake carrier that was stuffed with cupcakes off my car seat to transport them into my friends' house, the stupid lid came off. It was my fault- I should have checked to make sure it was still locked and hadn't come loose during the journey. Needless to say, I had quite a few cupcake casulties which was rather too bad because they tasted rather yummy if I do say so myself. Still, the whoopie pies were safe since I'd packed the seperately.

The second sign that it wasn't going to be a terrifically fun party for me was that I quickly realized it was going to be another Bridget Jones Night. It was small gathering in honour of my friends 45th birthday. She was doing something unique- a blind wine tasting in which she would decide the winner, no gifts but, instead, we would bring a toy to donate to Toys for Tots that would have been something our hostess would have liked as a child and a concert by a local university acapella group which my friend had 'won' in a silent charity auction.

My wine was pretty good- I know my friends' tastes which are quite similar to mine so I brought a nice Zinfandel. My toy was Scrabble- my friend loves to read and write and oddly adores English grammar.

The problem was that every single person there aside from me was married. Now, when I lived in L.A., even when I went to similar gatherings, it was ok- the 'marrieds' were independent enough that they circulated seperately from their spouses and it was just a gathering o' people. However, in the Midwest, it's a little different. Here, the spouses come as a pair. When one spouse is separated from the other and forced to talk to the lone singleton at the party, this spouse starts to panic and say things like "I wonder where John is!" Well, this would be ok if it was, say, a large house and there was a possibility of John being more than 25 feet away but in this case, my friends house is not huge and the reality was that John was 15 feet away in the next room talking to Bob whose wife is holding his arm possessively.

I know, that's a little harsh. I'm sure not every gathering in the Midwest is really like that but the few I've been too where I've been the lone singleton have been very much like that. I try very hard to be social but it's rather hard because couples seem to like to talk to other couples and discuss their children, how much they're paying the sitter and who their kids' teachers are.

Needless to say, it was a difficult evening. Fortunately, there was wine and cheese. The wine tasting went well. I came in second. I would have come in first, I suspect but the winning wine was the first one everyone tried and someone said, "Hey, wine #7 is good!" so everyone had to try wine #7 and it went fast. This meant that our hostess couldn't have a second taste of wine #7 to compare it to my wine and it won by default because it was so popular. I tried wine #7, for the record, and I found it to be a bit plummy. Also, wine #7 happened to be brought by the hostess' closest friends who'd been staying there that weekend. Yes, I probably sound bitter but three hours of standing around feeling more and more alone in a room full of smug married people made me feel a little bitter. Also, the hostess' dad asked me where 'my other half' was in reference to a former coworker I'd once showed up to a party with a few years ago. I've been to several of my friends' parties since without this coworker but he clearly thought we were a couple. I shouldn't have been surprised. An unmarried woman in the midwest in her thirties is bound to set off a few suspicions. Still, it was a bit like throwing salt in a wound by this point.

The party itself was lovely. My friend throws a good gathering. The acapella group was amazing though and it was nice to have a break from mingling to listen to some music. I was a little surprised that people were raving over my whoopie-pies which I found cloyingly sweet. They were actually fighting over the last one. Meanwhile, my lovely, hand frosted, crushed peppermint decorated cupcakes sat virtually untouched.

By the time it became safe for me to leave without being rude, I did so. It was a relief to get in my car, crank up the Tran-Siberian orchestra and drive home where I was greeted enthusiastically by my pups. It's nice to show I'm loved even if I am a pathetic singleton who apparently gives of lesbian vibes. Not that there's anything wrong with that it's just that I'm not a lesbian.

As much as I hated that it did so, my party experience made me feel a little down on Sunday. It's one thing to know I'm alone and accept it but it's another to be reminded of how alone I am at times. Still, I decided to fight off my blues by some intensive cleaning and organizing and finishing putting up the final Christmas decorations.

Now, I'm sitting inside, listening to the rain pour down, finishing some laundry and feeling sad that the weekend is already almost over. Tomorrow, it's back to work as normal. However, on the plus side, I now have the glow of the multicoloured lights of my Christmast tree when I come home in addition to my lovely pups who constantly love to show me how much I'm loved.

It's not all bad. I just need to stop going to parties where I'm the only single person. I think they're bad for me.

Happy Monday!

The Anticlimatic Nature of the New Year

This time of year is strange. Two weeks ago, I was rejoicing that it was almost Christmas. We were still buying decorations and gifts at full-price, wrapping them, running around doing last minute shopping, baking....all the warm traditions that go along with Christmas week.

Now, those same decorations that made us feel warm and cosy now seem tired and almost redundant. The stores are selling their Christmas merchandise at 50-75% off. It's a great deal and next year, the bargains will seem purposeful and smart. It is hard, however, to get motivated to go browse the Christmas clearance section. The further behind us Christmas gets, the harder it is to browse. It doesn't help that everything is thrown into one aisle that is crammed with people, fighting to buy that packet of icicles for next years tree that is now only 25 cents.

My tree is still up though I'll take it down tomorrow. As I've mentioned, as is often a tradition in the UK, my family keeps their tree up for the twelve days following Christmas- through Epiphany on January sixth.

What is it about Christmas that seems so exciting until it's passed and then it just seems tired? It's not as though there's much waiting after New Years. January, February and March are the longest months of the year. Here in the Midwest, they're dreary months, full of unpredictable weather, darkness, dampness and grey. Even for people like me who loves snow, they're hard months to get through. Spring is not certain until April when it starts to approach timidly at first and then as May approaches, it's in full swing, even though there is still a chance of a rare snowfall.

It's the next few months that are the hard ones. I always thought it odd that New Years was at the start of the these months. I know it's all based on a calendar but it would be so much more interesting if the New Year began in the spring, the renewal of the earth visible in the little green shoots that quickly become daffodils, tulips, hyanciths and daisies. Instead, we ring in the new year and then....nothing. Months of winter lie ahead, those green shoots just hopes, hibernating in the earth until the snows begin to melt and the earth is newly green again.

I suppose in other parts of the world, New Year isn't in Winter. I should probably take that into account. However, I don't live in the other hemisphere and honestly, couldn't image celebrating Christmas in the middle of summer. That would be strange. It was strange enough living on the west coast and having the days building up to Christmas be 70 degrees and sunny.

Don't get me wrong. I still love Winter. I'm one of the weirdos who doesn't mind a spot of bad weather provided my love ones are safe and not driving the treacherous roads. I like nothing better than a snow day, burrowing down with a mug of hot chocolate, a jigsaw slowly in progress on the table, a stack of books taunting me, trying to get me to choose which one to get lost in as I enjoy the fact that I'm a prisoner of the weather.

Yet I still think that it's odd that we ring in the New Year and then....that's it. We all go back to work. We make and try to keep resolutions and that's pretty much it. It feels as though we should have another big holiday in February, something to get us through that month that may be the shortest on the calendar but can sometimes be the darkest, hardest to get through month of the year.

Then again, maybe Spring wouldn't be so welcomed if we didn't have the bleak period of nothingness before it arrived.

Either way, it's something to think about. I'll take down my tree tomorrow and try to find something to replace the emptyness that the room now presents. Maybe I should put my new exercise bike there. I made a resolution to get in better shape. I figured if I go with an exercise bike, i can watch TV while using it. I can be an energetic couch potato instead of a hippo-like one instead.

Whatever your resolutions may be, if you made any at all, I hope 2009 is a good year for you all, whatever it may bring.

Happy Monday.

Christmas Trees and the Reflection of Two-Hundred Multi-Coloured Lights

It snowed a little last night. It was the clingy snow that forms clusters on the ground and sticks to your car windshield. It's pretty. Since it is now officially December and thus Christmas season, I have my tree up. It's the first tree I've ever put up by myself. When I moved to L.A., I lived by myself for five years and because I had virtually no money, I made do with decorating my mantel with ornaments and one of those green tinsel garlands that is the same colour as a Christmas tree from the 99 cent store. I twirled lights around the tinsel for effect and it was pretty. As the years went by, I upgraded to a fake pine garland and added some nativities and candles. Since I flew back to the Midwest for Christmas every year, it didn't matter that there was no tree. My little gas fireplace always looked cozy and with the glow of the multi-colour lights that I had wrapped around the garland, it was very festive.

When I moved in with my roommate, she liked real trees and so we would go pick our tree every Christmas and then spend hours in Walmart picking out decorations. That was always fun. I love the smell of a fresh tree, it brings the outside indoors without the inconvenience of mud, ice and, well, the outdoors. I'm not a very outdoorsy person. I don't mind a good hike or a walk but then I'm done. I hate camping. I've really tried to like it. I even went camping with some experts who cooked gourmet food and had all sorts of nifty camping stuff. The company was awesome, the camping was miserable. I hate sleeping outside. I hate that my feet get so cold that nothing warms them. I hate that damp cold that creeps in overnight so when you wake up, you can't escape from it until you crawl outside and practically wrap yourself around the camp fire that the more experienced campers have already set. And though that warms me, I then smell like smoke for the rest of the trip. So, yeah, a real Christmas tree inside my apartment? That's as outdoorsy as I get.

This year, I don't have a real tree. I have my Black Friday Triumph Tree. It's pre-lit so I don't have to worry about wrapping the lights around the branches. I've never been good at that. I've watched other people spend hours and hours individually wrapping each branch with lights. It always looks awesome but during the time the lights are being put on the tree, the would-be decorators eventually lose all hope that they'll get to hang the baubles on the tree at all that day. I was worried my pre-lit tree would be skimpy on lights and I'd have to supplement but after plugging it in, it is beautifully lit with no bare spots.

I hung the ornaments I inherited when I moved. It was a little sad to hang them alone; I remembered picking them with my roommate and choosing the colours carefully. I also hung up my garland that I first bought when I lived alone. My apartment is twinkly and festive and it makes me happy to turn on the lights.

I tried not to be too reflective when I decorated. It has been a tough year, full of loss and change. Christmas is hard that way. While it's full of tidings of comfort and joy, it's also a reminder that life changes, sometimes subtly, sometimes dramatically. The change can be good; I'm still grateful and thrilled that I was able to move so much closer to my family. It's such a treat to drive home and be surrounded by the people that I love, even when we drive each other crazy.

But the change can also be bad. Christmas is a time when the emptiness in our life is a little louder and no matter how many twinkly lights or gift-exchanges you fill it with, it's always there. There's always a gap that can't quite be filled. Christmas is a time when ghosts whisper a little louder, wanting to be remembered and nostalgia grows into something tangible, something that makes your heart break just a little at the most unexpected moments.

Yet Christmas is also the end of the year, a time when all things end, only to begin again. It's a gentle reminder that everything comes full circle. For each year that begins, an ending must follow. It's the in-between part that is tricky. New Years is a time of renewal, of new hope, of resolutions for change. Christmas is a time to reflect and look back. It's a time to celebrate the promise of hope, provided you remember why we have Christmas in the first place. It's a time to spend with loved ones, to honour the spaces that are left unfilled but to not let those gaps overwhelm us.

There's a lot that I miss in my new life. I miss the trip to Target or Home Depot to pick out the tree. I miss laughing and being silly as we decorate the tree. I miss the bickering over whether we should be tasteful (as my roommate preferred) or colourfully tacky (my prefence). We usually compromised and ended up with a pretty cool-looking tree. I'll miss the mini-Christmases I had before I came home for Christmas with my family, the gift exchanges, the laughter, the food. Most of all I'll miss the friends and family I have in California who filled the gap when my own family was too far away and the distance couldn't be bridged with a phone call.

It's been a year full of change, good and bad. It's a year of growing up and realizing that life is too short to waste. Though the new year is still a month away, the inevitable reflection begins in the comfort of 200 multi-coloured lights, blazing away on my $25 pre-lit tree. Though my writing is no further than it was a year ago as far as publishing goes, it's taken leaps and bounds with the subjects I choose and the way in which I write them. The rejection I receive is hard but it's not everything. It depends on how I let it affect me. And so as I lay beneath my Christmas tree and stared up at the lights last night, I decided to enjoy the beauty of life rather than the harshness. The lights, the tree, the snow, the family and the friends, absent and present, all these things make Christmas my favourite time of year.

Happy Tuesday.