My Somewhat Ridiculous and Really Not Practical Christmas Wishlist

1. I would like my dogs to be able to understand that they cannot climb trees and no matter how hard they try, they will never be able to follow a squirrel up one.

2. I would like Kim Kardashian to go away. I don’t even know what she’s famous for but she’s certainly in a lot of headlines.


3. Re: #2, I would like celebrities and people of influence to realize that marriage is not just something for publicity. It actually is supposed to mean a lot and it does to most people. Kim Kardashian’s ridiculous wedding could have probably covered the salaries of several out-of-work people in this bad economy and it didn’t even last three months.


4. I would like Ryan Gosling to do the lift from “Dirty Dancing” with me. Shirtless. If you don’t know what I mean, watch “Crazy, Stupid Love.” You’ll get it. Maybe. And if not, I’m sorry but you’re weird or…not into Ryan Gosling which is perfectly fine.


5. I would like “Glee” to be good. I watch it and I don’t know why at this point. It’s over-the-top, irritating and for no reason whatsoever, Lea Michele really bugs me. There’s an easy solution, I know…stop watching. I just…can’t…not yet.


6. I would like the Twilight phenomenon to go away now. I sort of get it. It’s just…not that good and it’s gone on too long. Also, Breaking Dawn did not need to be two parts- it’s about a vampire and human who get married, get pregnant their first time in having sex, have a grisly birth scene and have a werewolf fall in love with their baby. Oh, and there’s some kind of standoff between vampires that ends up fizzling out into nothing more than a conversation. It’s not Harry Potter by any means- one part would have been just fine.


7. I would like my dogs to pick up their own toys and vacuum the floor. Also, it’d be nice if they could make me a cup of tea when I get home from work.


8. I would to know why sometimes I have the urge to climb over the stall door when I go to the bathroom at work. It’s a peculiar urge I have and I don’t know why.


9. I would still like someone to invent a three slice toaster preferably in a triangular design. I’m not scientific/engineering-y enough. However, sometimes, two slices is too little and four slices is too much. I suppose I could just get a four slice one and not use the last slot but a triangular one would just be niftier.


10. I’d like to be able to shoot water out of my finger. I know this is strange but wouldn’t it be fun to point and squirt sometime? This is not my desired superpower but it’d be fun. If I could have my desired superpower, I’d like to be able to heal people with my mind.


11. I would like to teleport. This way I’d never have to go to the airport again and pay ridiculous fees and charges.


12. Speaking of #11- I would like airline travel to become fun again. It was once. I even remember it. I miss the days of free Toblerones, free wine and politeness from the airline staff. Also, I miss the days were you didn’t have to check your bank balance before you got on a plane in case you got hungry.


13. I’d like to be able to perform telekinesis. It would make being lazy much easier.


14. I’d like to know what my dogs are thinking. Just my dogs though. I don’t want to know what people are thinking. That’d be scary and make things a little too complicated. And I don’t want to know what other animals are thinking because then I might have to become a vegetarian and we can’t have that.


15. I’d like to know why the “Happy Feet” movie gives me a feeling of distaste. It’s a movie about penguins! Yet something about it just gives me a slight case of the creeps.


16. I’d like wine to have no calories.


17. I’d like cheese to have no calories or fat.


18. I’d like butter to have no calories or fat.


19. I’d like Mario Batali to cook me dinner with the cheese that has no calories or fat, with plenty of calorie and fat-free butter with a nice bottle of no-calorie wine.


20. I’d like to solve everyone’s problems and make the world happy.


21. I’d like to know why rotting potatoes smell so much worse than rotting lemons.


22. I’d like “Veronica Mars,” “Gilmore Girls” and “Buffy” to come back on the air with new episodes.


23. I’d like it to snow without making the roads scary.


24. I’d like to buy the world a Coke but have it be a Mexican Coke with real sugar rather than corn syrup. And by Mexican Coke, I mean the tasty beverage that is Coca-Cola. Just in case there’s any confusion.


25. I’d like world peace because, well, this is a wish list and doesn’t everyone wish for world peace? Besides, I’ve never understood why people like to shoot each other and blow each other up. This is why I don’t understand boxing. Why do people want to watch people punch each other in the face? Yes, world peace would be very sensible.



I think that’s it for now.

By the way, this is intended to be silly and not an expression of greed in any way shape or form. Also, I tried to stay away from anything too personal or political. That’s my disclaimer.

Thanks for reading- Happy Wednesday!

Rapidly Passing Weekends....

Another weekend is almost gone and, as always, it went by so fast, I hardly knew it was here.

Well, ok, I knew it was here...but, as always, I wish it were longer. It was my first weekend at home in a couple of weeks. As much as I love going home to see my family, it's also nice to come home on a Friday evening, kick off my shoes and know I don't have to go out again.

This weekend turned out to be a blend of productivity and sheer laziness. My Saturday was rather busy. The puppies, early risers that they are, got me up around 7:30 a.m. I actually didn't mind, having dozed off while watching TV at 11 p.m the night before. My 'puppy schedule' now means "early to bed, early to rise."

Of course, being early to rise is not such a bad thing. I was out and about by about 8:30 a.m. I needed to go to Jungle Jim's and, on weekends, the best time to go is before the crowds hit after 10 a.m. The beauty of a 9 a.m. trip to Jungle Jim's means no 'tourists' getting in the way of actual shopping. Having been a 'tourist' once, I know the sheer fascination with the cheese counter alone. Ok, fine, even now I find myself fascinated with the cheese counter. Yet when you're a Monkeypants on a grocery-shopping mission, there's nothing more tedious than someone being amazed at the varieties of Brie. Don't get me wrong, I like Brie but, really, it's the first stop on the Cheese counter...move alone and marvel at the mass amounts of parmiagiano reggiano.

Yes, I'm a Jungle Jim's snob. I'm also a Jungle Jim's smartypants. Going that early on a Saturday is a sure way to snag some bargains. My favourite section is the 'reduced produce' area. Some people might sneer up their nose at this. However, as a 'foodie' and a lover of all things produce, it's my favourite section. I use so many vegetables when I cook that this section is a fabulous moneysaver. Yesterday, I managed to snag a tray of jalapenos- always useful- for $1. I also got mushrooms and peeled shallots for 79 cents each. I got a plantable pot of thyme for a mere 39 cents, some cilantro- which I shall use in my chicken tortilla soup- for only 39 cents.

My favourite bargain was fiddlehead ferns. When I found them, I actually had some ramps in my hands. However, I've now cooked with ramps. I liked them very much but I've also seen chefs on the Food Network cook with fiddleheads and, well, I was curious. So, having to choose between ramps and fiddleheads, I chose the unknown. For those of you who thick I'm insane, they're actually quite a spring speciality, much like the ramp. They're the unfurled new portion of the ostrich fern and they look like little tiny coils. I also paused over the morels which were reduced down to $10 for a little pot. However, as much as I'd love to taste morels, my job, alas, does not pay me enough to splurge for such delicacies. One day...

I spent far too long in the Jungle Jim's produce section. I'd like to wager I know it better than most people by now. They're actually looking for a produce manager and if I knew anything about managing produce, I'd be tempted to apply. I think I know enough about the actual produce part to be somewhat of an amateur expert already. Most of the time when I talk to people, they look at me when I'm insane when I wax poetical about my roasted cardoons or my fiddlehead ferns.

Ah well, to each his own. For the record, I made homemade linguine today and I served it with a sautee of fiddleheads, mushrooms, thyme, onions and garlic. It was, not to brag, rather delicious.

I digress...as I often do when talking about food. I spent most of the rest of the weekend in the garden. The puppies helped me dig holes and I quickly planted some of my tomato and zucchini seedlings as well as some Swiss chard seeds. I also have some asparagus coming up, finally so, if all goes well, I might have a healthy vegetable crop by mid-summer.

I also made time for a little Robert Downey Jr. When I found out the release date for "Iron Man 2," I did warn the puppies that while I loved them, I have loved Mr. Downey Jr. for a little longer and thus, I would be abandoning them for two hours. While it didn't happen on opening weekend for the film, this weekend, it was a priority. I'm happy to say that while "Iron Man 2" did not hold quite the entertainment of the first movie, it was still very entertaining. I think, honestly, it would have been very difficult to match the entertainment level of "Iron Man" merely because it was far deeper and far more 'fun' than most comic-book movies and that took me by surprise. This time, I expected it to be fun and, so when it was, it didn't exactly surpass expectations- if that makes sense. It was definitely a great way to start of the summer blockbuster season though.

However, on a side note, having seen a preview for "Twilight: Eclipse," I simply have to say this- did they give the entire cast downers? What's with the zombie-land, monotonal acting? Ok, so that's normal for Kristen Stewart but, well, Dakota Fanning used to...act, right? Do they issue some sort of law that actors in the Twilight movies can't have facial expressions? That if they dare let any emotion or, you know, acting show on camera they get fired? Just curious.

So, all, in all, in addition to the shopping, the movie and planting plants, the pups and I had a great weekend. I meant to do a lot today but, well, it was a cool and dreary Sunday and after I made my new batch of butternut squash ravioli, I just didn't feel like doing much of anything. In the end, Rory, Sookie and I spent much of Sunday relaxing and being lazy which, honestly, was a rather nice treat.

Now Monday looms nearer. I had a chat with my boss on Friday as to how redundant I feel at times and how I hate feeling like Harry Potter. He actually felt bad, as I knew he would. I don't know how long it'll last but I did feel like he listened.

And, so, even though it's the start of the workweek in just a few hours, I have just a little more hope than I had last week. Granted, that might not last for long but, for now, I'm going to let myself dream.

There's nothing wrong with that...right?

Happy Monday!

I Don't Want to Grow Up! Can I be a Toys R Us Kid Forever?

It's almost Friday. I, for one, am rather glad about this. I'm sure I've written that before and I will again but it's a sentiment worth repeating, I think.

It hasn't been a bad week. It's been a short week, something that always helps. It's been a cold week, too. Last night, lying in bed, I listened to the scariest creaks and moans from my house. Given that I've just 'published' a book about a demon who haunts a woman who isn't, um, terribly unlike me, my imagination started to go wild.

I shortly curtailed that thought process in favour of reality. Unfortunately, reality was scarier. I started to think that the icicles on my house were rather large and, therefore, heavy. I have some that are, seriously, five feet long. Until yesterday, I was quite proud of this. I mean, honestly, that's some icicle!

And then I went to bed and my house was creaking and moaning. After I cast aside the idea that there was a demon in my attic, I started to think of the reality: There is, at least, five inches of snow on my roof. There are, in places, five feet of icicles hanging from my gutter. Which is worse, a paranormal creature haunting me or the idea of my roof caving in?

I'll have you know, at 11:30 p.m. at night, lying in a dark bedroom, trying to sleep, the idea of a roof caving in is scarier than a demon.

I know! Crazy, isn't it? You'd think I'd be more alarmed about the sound of footsteps in my attic. But as I started to let reality creep in, the footstep sounds transformed into the sound of the boughs of my house starting to sag under the weight of all that snow and ice.

Until now, I'd been proud that my roof was always covered with snow longer than anyone else's. I thought that meant I had better insulation. It probably did. Then I started to wonder how bad it was that my poor roof was so weighed down that it was starting to protest with gentle groans. Thus...I began to panic.

I think I've officially become a grown-up. Once upon a time, my imagination would have pictured a demon in my attic, a ghost floating above me...everything that Stephen King could inspire and then some. These days, the idea of a collapsed roof presents far more nightmares than a genuine ghost.

I want to know when this happened. I like to pinpoint significant moments in my life and I have a feeling that when I made the real, actual, genuine transition to being a full-blown adult occured, it was significant.

I can't figure it out. I currently am listening to an iTunes playlist I made a week ago and it contains everything from Green Day to Muse to Miley Cyrus to Sacha Baron Cohen singing "I like to Move it, Move it" from Madagascar. Even now, it gives me the urge to call my good friend in Pasadena, CA and say, "hey, know what I like to do?" and when she says, "No," I say "I like to move it, move it."

So when did I really grow up? I'm not sure I really have.

Except there's that teeny-tiny, miniscule fact that I'm more concerned about the expense and inconvenience of my roof caving in than having some evil creature haunt me.

I think it's safe to say that, darn it all, I've become an adult.

I'm groaning as I type this.

I may still hide behind my age by going to Green Day concerts. After all, they're older than me, therefore, it's still cool when I go and watch them play. I still like TV shows like Gossip Girl (don't judge me, please. It's Saz's fault...she got me hooked). But I can, at least, see the differences between their generation and mine. I may still read young adult novels for the story and plot. But I do see the reality, even if it makes me cringe.

For example, I do tend to want to clomp the 'heroine' in the head when she turns out to be Bella Swann from Twilight. I'm not even a mother but I still have the urge to slap her when you find out when she's not stopping a 'guy' from watching her while she sleeps. Ok, so he's immortal and he's a vampire. Yet it's still creepy. I don't care if he doesn't need to sleep. I don't care that Bella loves him. It's still creepy. If Edward Cullen can get into your room while you sleep, that means other non-vampire men can do so. Therefore...creepy. Also, really, Edward? You want to watch a girl while she sleeps? Sorry to break it to you but we females aren't so different from males: We snore, drool and move in our sleep...just like you. I'd think that was awfully boring to watch, even if you love us.

To put this in a more realistic context: I love Iron Chef America on the Food Network. It was the show that got me hooked on wanting to cook. I love all of the Iron Chefs and I root for them, regardless of the competitor. Yet there are times when they make me have to consider eating, say, a fish heart or pig's brain that I say: "No, Iron Chef....that's just not pleasant!"

It's not about the taste, it's about the actuality. It's disgusting in theory. In reality, I'm sure it's delicious but I stop before I get that far.

Hence the comparison to teenage vampire lovin'. Ok, so the idea of Edward Cullen staring at you while you sleep may seem romantic...yet, in actuality, it's twisted. He doesn't need to sleep but instead of doing something useful like composing a symphony, writing a novel or even creating a new recipe, he puts aside all that to just...stare at you...while you sleep.

It's creepy. It's wrong. It's just....such a teenage idea.

Hence the fact that I recognize the fact that I'm now a curmudgeonly grown-up. I don't like to think I've lost the idea of romance but I do think I've shed the illusion that romance can be completely silly, completely separate from reality. I've just started reading the novel Outlander and already I sort of want to slap the heroine for being so obtuse. I haven't even got that far but I can see that the hero is going to be 'James', the hero who was wounded when he met his love but grew to be a brave saviour.

Reality isn't so easy. I wish it could be. Sometimes, I wish men and women could walk around with coloured stickers on them so that all we had to do was find the person with the same coloured sticker as the one we were wearing and, voila!, that was our mate. Alas, it does not work that way. Instead, we have to go for awkward coffee/dinner dates with men that an online dating site thinks is right for us because a number of variables on our profiles matches.

I sound bitter. I'm not. I just feel like sometimes I'm too much of an adult and that I should figure out how to cast reality aside in favour of the fictional perfection that I covet in life. I think, in truth, it's up to us. Online dating sites can apply their logical computerized formula to match us but it's the actuality that matters: Do I like him? Is he man enough to call me? Is he actually going to ask me questions about me or talk about Ultimate Frisbee for two hours? Is he really looking for a relationship or just a quickie?

The thing is, I don't think it really matters. While I may have become an adult, ready to worry about the reality of scary matters, I'm still able to step back and realize that sometimes it's nice to be immature, to regress back to the days where idealisation overruled practicality.

Of course, when it comes down to the fact that idealisation costs money, I become exceedingly practical....which I suppose means I've become a fully-fledged grown up.

*sigh*

I suppose you have to grow up sometime. I just don't want to. Say, is that footsteps in my attic, I hear. Perhaps it's a demon! Maybe I should investigate....who cares is my gutter is falling!

Nope, can't do it. Damn it all....I'm a grown up. No matter how hard I try to pretend otherwise.

Happy Friday...and have a great weekend!

Overpriced Pasta and Another Ode to Jungle Jim's...

So, sometimes when I sit down to blog, I have to do a check to find out how much I've ranted, raved or rambled about a certain subject. It seems that the last couple of months have been a little bit too much full of work. I also mention snow rather a lot but I'm afraid that's not likely to change. I love snow very much and will never get tired of writing about it. You'll notice that I've backed off Twilight and Stephanie Meyer. Having found out that there are some pretty fabulous snarky places out there that salute the awfulness of the book, I've found it cathartic to know I'm not alone. If you're bored, check out this fabulous parody. The illustrations are worth it alone but I couldn't have written anything quite so simply that nails Twilight the way this site does.

Anyway, I've also noticed that I blog a lot about Jungle Jim's. I don't think I can help that. I'm actually contemplating starting a new blog to replace my poor neglected TV blog. It's not that I don't like writing about TV but, lately, there's not much on TV to write about. Also, I watch more Food Network than anything else and I think that might get a tad boring. My new blog would take one of the new ingredients I bought at Jungle Jim's and detail what I did with it. I suppose it would be a bit Julie and Julia like except, well, it would have the Monkeypants spin. Also, I'd be completely honest if I accidentally dropped it on the floor and ruined dinner. Chances are, that blog would read:

Bought endives. Attemped to make a Batali recipe. Accidentally dropped endives and recipe contents on floor in dish. Dish=failure.

I went to Jungle Jim's tonight. I haven't been in over a week. It's shocking, I know. I received two lovely Mario Batali cookbooks for Christmas/my birthday AND I also got a great new copy of the Food Network magazine (if you don't subscribe, you should- it's excellent for recipes and tips). So, last night, I went through my cookbooks and magazine and picked out recipes I wanted to try. Then I made a list of what I lacked to make them- primarily fresh vegetables- in one of my handmade notebooks, courtesy of RadLinc Crafts that has bananas on the cover. Bananas are my secret symbol at work although my "sarcastic banana doodle" that was over my HP logo on my PC to parady the fact that I am the only one in my area to lack an Apple PC has mysteriously disappeared.

So, tonight, armed with my banana book, I went to Jungle Jim's. I was a good little Monkeypants and only bought three items that weren't on my list. I bought some chocolate covered Gingerbread pretzels that were left over from Christmas. They were only 99 cents. Also, I bought some salsify because, well, frankly, I was so excited to find it, I had to buy it. In case you're wondering, salsify is also called 'the oyster plant'. It is a root vegetable that has a faint oyster-ish flavour. I've never had it. To be honest, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it but I saw it and I wanted to get some. The reason being...I saw it on Iron Chef America in the hands of none other than Mario Batali and I was fascinated. I'd never heard of it, you see. So, I did the Monkeypants thing and researched it. Immediately, I wanted to try it because it's related to the parsnip family. I adore parsnips. They're one of my favourite vegetables. If you've never tried them, let me know. I'll be happy to tell you how to use parsnips. They're a staple of the British traditional roast dinner.

The last item I bought was wine. My new budget favourite- Kenwood red table wine was on clearance! They only had a couple of bottles left. I was both excited by the reduced price and dismayed that I might have a hard time finding it in future. I bought the bottles they had left. How could I not?

Anyway, aside from the salsify, I stuck to my shopping list. Granted, it was quite a long list but it covered at least six to seven recipes. My shopping listed included cardoons which might not be familiar to you, as Lady Aero pointed out on my last blog. They're a bit spiny and they're related to artichokes. Last time I used them, I made a beschamiel sauce and fresh breadcrumbs, grated them with pecorino romano cheese and roasted them in the oven after blanching them in lemon water. It sounds like a lot of work but they were delicious and worth every minute. I have a couple of other recipes that use them so I got two bunches. I also got some beets to make some beet bruschetta. I bought fresh herbs, peppers and a radaccio lettuce. The nice thing about learning to cook is there are some pantry staples that you're never without so when it comes to cooking, the fresh stuff is the only thing you have to buy.

I can't believe I'm blogging about my shopping list. It's not that this is the only thing that I have to blog about, it's just that it's so much fun to learn to cook. Finding the ingredients is sort of, uh, thrilling although if you don't cook much, that probably sounds a little...scary...and odd. I can't help it...cooking is my new favourite thing to do.

Anyway, I digress...The only ingredients I lacked were small cipolini onions- Jungle Jim's only had the large- and the never-present fresh quail eggs. Ok, so I really didn't need the quail eggs but it's become a quest and Captain Monkeypants does love a quest.

The thing I was truly amazed at was that I didn't really spend that much money. I probably could make, without exaggerating, at least eight meals from what I bought tonight. I like to make a dinner and then have the leftovers at work for lunch the next day. Sometimes my attempts to cook aren't that successful but, for the most part, if I follow a recipe properly, it usually turns out pretty well. If you think about how much it would cost to eat something similar at a restaurant, it's a brilliant way to save money. For example, yesterday, I went to Romano's Macaroni Grill with the girls from work for my birthday lunch. Because I tend to prefer cooking Italian food, it always amazes me how much restaurants charge for a plate of pasta. For example, many of the weight-conscious girls ordered capellini pomadoro. Essentially, capellin pomodoro is angel hair pasta, basil, olive oil, fresh tomatoes and red pepper flakes. Retail cost of that, provided you cook enough to keep olive oil and pepper flakes around is, seriously, probably less than $4 per person. If you bought the ingredients, you could feed three people for what you'd buy in the store to make it. Total estimate would be about $6-$8 total to make it for three people. At the Macaroni Grill, it was $8.99 a plate or something like that. That's $27 altogether.

I know- sometime it's nice to go out to eat and not have to cook. I just find myself, more and more, figuring out how to make dishes I buy in restaurants. There are some things I just can't be bothered to figure out because I'd rather go out and get it. Yet pasta is fast becoming something I don't order because I resent the inflated price of it on a menu. Apparently, I'm not alone. Even after I started figuring out that pasta is one of the easiest and cheapest things to make, I read an article that interviewed chefs and what they expected when they ate out. Several of them said they refused to order pasta because it's so overpriced compared to the cost of making it.

That's not to say that if I went to a really good restaurant, I wouldn't order pasta. I might, if it was tempting enough but you better believe I want it to be homemade pasta that's something special. I admit, I even make my own pasta at times. It's really not as much work as people think and it tastes amazing. It takes time so I wouldn't resent paying for that in a nice restaurant. No, what I'm talking about is the Olive Garden/Macaroni Grill type of places that use Barilla pasta or whatever brand they prefer and serve it with pre-made sauces. They might taste nice but, trust me, you can make it at home for pennies compared to what they charge.

However, on the flip side, there are some things I'd rather get in a restaurant than make for myself but have no choice. Tonight, for example, I made Vietnamese pho soup. It's one of my favourite 'comfort foods'. When I lived in Los Angeles, there were pho places everywhere. You could get a bowl of pho- noodle soup with meats and herbs in a spiced broth- everywhere. It usually only cost about $5 for a bowl and I could never finish my helping. Here, in Cincinnati, it's hard to find. I've tried several places that claim to have it but it's just not the same. Thus, tonight, I tried a Food Network Magazine version. I have to say, it was pretty tasty. Not the same as the restaurants in L.A., of course, but still pretty nice. It wasn't that much work either. However, even though it tasted good, it just didn't give me that satisfied feeling that I always had when eating it in a restaurant.

So, there are two sides to every recipe, I suppose. Some are two easy and simple to make to merit paying restaurant prices and some are so hard and complex that it's just worth it to pay the price and eat it in a restaurant. For me, I'm still working on which is which. However, I'll keep trying new recipes. As long as I have Jungle Jim's to provide me with the ingredients, I'll happily keep experimenting. And keep shopping because, let's face it, that's just half the fun.

Happy Wednesday!

Reading Recommendations...

I have a lot of friends that like to read. Since I also loves to read, this makes sense. We often befriend those that have things in common with us. It makes for a bonding experience, something shared.

I love that I have friends that love to read. It means at any given time, I can seek them out via email, on the phone or even in person and ask them what they’ve read lately that they’ve loved. It’s a great way of finding books to read without having to read reviews. What better way than to ask someone who has actually read a book and whose opinion you trust?

Of course, sometimes, you find you disagree with their taste. Hence the fact that I did read the Twilight saga without knowing the full-scale assault it was going to have on the literary world as well as the assault it was going to do on my poor brain as I tried to see what the fuss was about. As I’ve said, I’m backing off it now because there’s no point. Granted, I still dislike the books but, well, let’s just say that having good friends who really like the books and can argue their value in escapism (Thank you, Lady Aero), I will respect the fact that some people like them. I never will.

So, a wee bit tainted from being told that I’d love Twilight and not liking it at all, I was just a little hesitant when another good friend told me about two books I had to read in the same fictional series. The books were The Hunger Games and its sequel, Catching Fire, by Suzanne Collins.

I tried repeatedly to get the books from the library with no luck. It seems there are some teens out there reading other books betweens the Stephanie Meyer collection; I salute that. So, I ended up borrowing my friends copy. I started the books a little hesitantly: When anything comes that highly recommended, it’s always a little intimidating to start reading just in case you don’t like them.

The premise of the book is deceptively simple. It’s the future. The U.S. does not exist but has been divided into 12 Districts, each producing one essential item necessary to life. The districts are ruled from the Capitol, a city set in what used to be the Rocky Mountains and in which the people live luxuriously and excessively, ignorant of the plight of the people in the districts. The Capitol is strict and firm, allowing nothing that it does not approve. The people are oppressed because the Capitol does not want an uprising in the Districts and thus it rules with an iron fist. Every year, they stage The Hunger Games. A barbaric pastime in which children from age 12 to 18 are ‘reaped’- their names thrown into a giant lottery. From each district, a boy and girl is chosen annually from this lottery and must compete in the Games, a fight to the death in which only one victor will survive. The winner receives food and money for life.

The heroine of the tale is Katniss Everdeen, a tomboy who bears the weight of her family on her shoulders. Katniss hunts illegally in her district, trading in a black market to both survive and to get enough food to feed her family. When Katniss’ sister is reaped for the games, Katniss steps in and volunteers to take her place, placing her in a competition that makes her question everything she knows.

The thing about the The Hunger Games is it sounds like a familiar premise. When my friend described it to me, it reminded me of some Stephen King stories: The Long Walk and The Running Man. Yet there is nothing in The Hunger Games that is unoriginal. It is a well-written piece of young adult fiction that deserves as much, if not more, acclaim than the Twilight series.
For one thing, take Katniss Everdeen. She’s a girl who is plucky, smart and a survivor. Even though there’s a love triangle in The Hunger Games reminiscent of the Bella/Edward/Jacob mess in Meyer’s novels, never once do you question it. Katniss is the same age as Bella Swann yet because she’s faced hardship, she puts everything above love rather than making it the only thing worth living for. Katniss has two men in her life: Peeta, the male representative from their district in the Games. Peeta has loved Katniss for years. She’s wonderfully oblivious, believing his acclamations of love to be a strategy for winning the games even though it’s quite clear to the reader that he means them. Peeta is sweet, devoted, kind and nice. He wants nothing more than to see Katniss survive the games. Then there’s Gale: Katniss’ hunting partner from District 12. Never more than a friend, Katniss clearly feels more for him and as the books proceed, it is obvious Gale feels the same way. Gale is brooding, strong and opinionated. He’s a good match for Katniss as the two find a natural rhythm in just being together.

Yet, even with a love triangle, there is so much more to the books. The story is one of growing rebellion and questioning of authority. It is the movement from sad acceptance to awareness and action. The other characters are rich and defined. My favourite is probably Cinna, the stylist who takes on Katniss’ case for the games and turns her from a wild tomboy into a symbol of unity. He’s quietly rebellious in his own way without taking a more active role than helping Katniss discover who she is. One of the most disturbing things about the books is the dramatic and unpredictable ends that befall characters who lend their hearts and souls to Katniss' quest. Cinna is an example of that; for his rebellion, he is punished but the stories leave you wondering and desperately hoping that he's ok, even if he took a stand in a place where doing such a thing is forbidden.

Catching Fire is a disturbing book. It’s not full of sparkles and cottages in the woods, perfect honeymoons and disturbing birth-scenes. It’s dark and twisted and bad things happen to a lot of good people. It’s the type of sequel that climbs into your head and haunts your dreams because you can’t stop thinking about it, wondering what will happen and having your heart break just a little for some of the amazing characters who sacrifice themselves to try to save others.

I think it’s obvious I enjoyed these books. Thus, I am recommending them to anyone that challenged me to tell them what’s better than Twilight. These books are better. These are books in which something actually happens besides love but still allows love and feelings to be a huge part of the story. They’re books with characters that make me care without having to do much at all, although no one in these books is idle. The writing is good enough that you don’t even notice it as you’re turning the pages to see what happens.

The books are part of a bigger series. The next book isn’t out yet and I don’t know when it’s going to be. I do know that until it is, I have a feeling that Katniss and her world are going to pop into my mind quite a lot as I wonder what will happen to her, Peeta, Gale and the other characters in the story. What I don’t care about is if she ends up with either of the men and who it might be because that’s incidental. It’s a nice change of pace. If you're looking for something to read, I highly recommend it. And, even if you're not...I still recommend it.

Happy Tuesday!

Sometimes, You Just Need a Good Rant...

Today is one of those days in which I'm feeling rather fierce. I don't quite know why other than there are some days where I just wake up feeling that way. It's the type of day where I don't let any other driver on the road get away with behaving badly. If they cut me off, I will yell at them. If they get on my tail, I will slow down.

It's also the kind of day where I just feel slightly cantankerous about things, stupid little things that irk me but inspire a rant because they simply exist and I don't like them. So, today, rather than try to be sunshiney and positive, I decided to spend today's blog having a little rant about the insignificant things that annoy me. Since I don't want to write a novel, I'll try to limit the list. However, I did come up with quite a few things in the short time I thought about it.

Item #1: Turtleneck sweaters.

I despise turtlenecks. I hate wearing them and I don't like seeing them worn. The only time I find them acceptable is on those winter Olympic athletes who need them because otherwise they'll freeze. I hate the way they cling around people's necks, making them look like they're being smothered by their own clothing. It's like the turtleneck has a life of its own and it's trying to slowly eat their head. It probably has something to do with the fact that I, personally, hate anything tighter than a loose scarf around my own neck because I hate feeling constricted. Therefore, when I see someone's head being slowly devoured by their turtleneck sweater, I have the urge to take a pair of scissors and set them free. Fortunately, I have some common sense and even when I'm in my most advanced stage of turtleneck loathing, I have the sense of mind to know that if you move towards someone while holding a pair of scissors and looking slightly maniacal, that's not good.

Item #2: Nicholas Cage

Nicolas Cage irritates me. Nicholas Cage irritates me a lot. First of alll, he only has two roles that he plays. His first role is: "Look at my enormous saucer eyes! I'm emoting. I'm Mr. Compassionate. I'm sad. Look how sad I am because my eyes look like a basset hound's after it's peed on the floor and feels guilty. " (examples of this: "Leaving Las Vegas," "City of Angels", "The Weatherman" and any other romantic movies he has made.). His second role is "I'm Mr. CRAZY! LOOK AT MY CRAZY EYES! I'm cool! I'm edgy! I'm going to go find the Declaration of Independence because I'm CRAZY! I'm going to save the day in my Con Air plane! I'm going to be all goofy and be Gone in 60 Seconds because I'm crazy, man, I'm CRAZY!" So, yes, Nicolas Cage bothers me a lot. The other reason I don't like him is because he sounds like he's chewing his cheeks when he talks, rather like a hamster. I suppose when I think about it, he does sort of resemble that hamster, Rhino, from "Bolt". See evidence above.

Item #3: People who already have their Christmas decorations up

People, it's NOVEMBER 3rd. Christmas in December 25th. I understand that the holidays are a fun time and you want to celebrate them as long as possible but it's NOVEMBER 3rd. Halloween was TWO DAYS AGO. It is NOT acceptable to take down your giant inflatable spider and giant inflatable orange pumpkin that was usually flat anyway and replace it with a giant inflatable Santa Claus and a row of candy canes. Seriously, I saw that someone on my street had done that this morning. I love Christmas. I love everything about it, the smells, sights, shopping and chaos. Yet, it isn't even Thanksgiving! If you have to put something giant and inflatable up in your yard, put up a giant turkey! They sell them! I've seen them! Just because the stores are selling Christmas/holiday stuff does NOT mean you have to give in to the power of manipulative commercialism. Be strong! Resist!

Item #4: The Trailer for "The Twilight Saga: New Moon"

Oh, you knew this was coming. I saw the preview last week. All I can say is "GAHHHH!" Are we REALLY teaching our teenage girls that it's perfectly acceptable to go crazy when you break up with your boyfriend and turn into a thrill seeker who rides motorbikes, jumps off cliffs and essentially tries to kill herself? Also, what the heck is up with that Taylor Lautner kid who is playing Jacob? He looks like he's grimacing all the time. I don't care how much he works out, he still looks like he's twelve. Jacob the former werewolf who became a shapeshifter because Stephanie Meyer either a)couldn't make up her mind or b)read some of Charlaine Harris' books, is supposed to be a strapping, sizzling seventeen year old. Taylor Lautner looks like the Disney Channel version. Also, that's a bad wig. Actually, all the wigs in the movie are bad except Robert Pattinson because he's not wearing a wig, it's his real hair that looks bad. Finally, the preview is very DRAMATIC! Bella almost dies but Jacob saves her. Edward thinks he's dead so tries to get permission to kill himself. He almost wanders naked into public but Bella SAVES him. Hurrah! Then they get to go meet with a council of vampires who all look like they'd rather be in an Anne Rice novel. Sorry Dakota Fanning but red contacts and a pout does not make you that scary. You're still Dakota Fanning.

Item #5: Tootsie Rolls

We've discussed this. They are NOT chocolate. They might have cocoa in them but they are NOT chocolate. Chocolate melts in your mouth. It does not require chewing. When I crave chocolate, I'm not about to reach for a Tootsie Roll. It is not the same thing. Enough said.

Item # 6: The ABC Television Network

Ok, ABC, what are you THINKING? You remake V, the beloved mini-series from the '80's and then you decide to SPLIT UP THE AIRING BY FOUR MONTHS! You can read my review of the first episode of V on my TV blog because I saw it at Comic-Con. It had flaws but it was entertaining. I know a lot of people wanted to see it because they remember the original. Also, ABC has been promoting the crap out of the show. I salute their brilliance in using Muse's "Uprising" as the background music because it's perfect. However, if you're going to drive people potty by showing them the preview over and over then perhaps you should rethink your airing strategy. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, ABC is going to let you watch four episodes now! Then they...make you wait for the rest. UNTIL MARCH! Now, they say it's because they want to make it 'event viewing'. Also, the Winter Olympics would get in the way anyway. So, here's my question. Why not air the show when there are NO Olympics? Also, what kind of an event is that? Do you really think that people would go to an event and then be willing to wait four months for the conclusion? It's like going to a concert, seeing the opening band and then waiting FOUR MONTHS for the next band. That's just silly!

Ok, I promise I'm done for now. I apologize if I've offended anyone. Please bear in mind that Captain Monkeypants was just in the mood to rant and did not intend her opinions to be hurtful, rude or mean. Except perhaps the Twilight ones because irritating Twi-hards and their mothers is actually sort of entertaining. No offense to my friends who like "Twilight." I still think you're insane but I love you anyway. And, um, I'm sorry if I was mean when I compared Nicolas Cage to a hamster. It doesn't mean I take it back but it was a little cruel, I suppose.

Sometimes it helps to just let it out. Thanks for sticking with me.

Happy Tuesday

Comic-Con: An Overview for the Uninitiated...

I'm finally back. It feels very strange to not blog; I was tempted to but the lack of an internet connection put a damper on the temptation.

However, I have returned and will, hopefully, be back to my normal blogging routine.

I had a fabulous time at Comic-Con. That's pretty much going to be the gist of this blog. If I rambled on about everything fantastic I saw, it would be an even more epic-lenghth blog than usual. However, I'm sure others will follow. Today....today will just be an overview for those who cannot comprehend what, exactly Comic-Con is all about.

In short, it's about entertainment. Comic-Con is a massive convention for anyone who loves entertainment.

Comic-Con began, I believe, as a gathering of Star-Trek fans and so, in many people's minds, Comic-Con is just a massive gathering for geeks and nerds who like to dress like Spock and speak Klingon to one another. I have to confess, upon my first visit three years ago, this is what I thought.

Fortunately, I was wrong. Very, very wrong. To my delight, Comic-Con encompasses many, many things, crosses genres so it's not just favouring science fiction and provides massive amounts of entertainment in many formats. Yes, there are Trekkies there but there are also thousands of other people into many, many other things.

When you enter Comic-Con, it feels slightly like a descent into madness. Picture, if you will, a big convention centre. Then make it bigger. The San Diego Convention Centre, the site of Comic-Con, is huge. Then, picture swarms and swarms of people waiting to get inside. These people are dressed in everything from plain old t-shirts and jeans to full blown costumes from Alice in Wonderland, Star Wars (of course), Anime characters, Super Mario Brothers, Lost, Shawn of the Dead and thousands more. There are so many 'insider' t-shirts, shirts that have significance only to fans of whatever the shirts symbolize, that it's impossible to see them all.

At the centre of the convention centre is the Exhibition Hall, a massive, gaping room filled to the brim with things to see. There are film studios there: the Warner Bros. booth is always the busiest place in the hall followed by Paramount, Fox and Sony. Then there are the big comic publishers: DC, Marvel and Dark Horse. There are booths for video games, the pinnacle of which is the G4 booth, the TV network dedicated to video gaming. There are booths for artists of both Fantasy Art and Graphic Art; you can meet and talk to the artists one-on-one, just by strolling by. There are booths for fun, booths that sell things like t-shirts of Mr. Toast (I now have one because, hello....toast! I love toast), Happy Tree Friends....the list goes on and so do the booths.

The Exhibit Hall opens at 9:30 a.m. On the first day of the convention, attendees had to go get their badges which double as admission passes. Once my friend and I obtained our badges, we were sent back outside to the streets outside the convention centre to wait, along with the rest of the early birds who wanted to be there as soon as it opened. Irritatingly enough, around 9:15 a.m., the security team stopped sending people out, allowing the latecomers to get their badges and wait inside, right outside the door to the Exhibition Hall. Naturally, this inspired wrath in those of us who had been waiting for a while and, let me tell you, there were a lot of us. However, we did briefly get distracted from our irritation when we realized they'd filled up the inside waiting area to the point where the people taking the escalators down from getting their badges had nowhere to go when they got off. Yes, it's a little cruel but we actually all watched with bated breath to see who would be the first to start the pile up. We didn't have to wait long. The people began to pile into one another like dominos until some smart person finally stopped the escalator. Unfortunately, they did this without warning and one poor soul almost tumbled right off the edge.

Our irritation was increased again when they finally opened the Exhibition Hall late and then proceeded to allow all those people who were inside to enter, leaving us stranded outside with security blocking the doors so we couldn't get in. We had to wait fifteen minutes longer to get inside. This may not seem like a big deal but many people wanted to see some of the panels that were supposed to begin at 10 a.m. Getting into any of the popular panels takes a commitment of waiting in line for a very long time and the later you get there, the lower your chances of getting in.

Once inside the Exhibition Hall, the first thing to do is go find a bag. Many of the booths give out free bags, each emblazed with the logo of the place giving out the bags. If you attend Comic-Con, you need a bag to put in all the buttons, stickers, comics and gifts you're given. Many of the booths that are solely there to promote their products give out goodies to convention goers and, at the end of the day, your bag is weighed down with things you grab or are handed to you.

The floor of the Exhibition Hall ranges from chaotic (the area around the movie studios' booths) to calm (around the Fantasy Art area). There are thousands of people there and sometimes, the crowds are crushing. To top it off, the bigger booths like Fox and Warner Bros. have signings throughout the day, a chance to meet stars from your favourite movie or TV show. For me, the signings are too much work and they rarely have them for shows I like. However, it is an experience; I did get a signature from Elizabeth Mitchell from Lost and the upcoming V remake coming in November on ABC. (For a review of the first episode, check out a future blog on Captain TV). My friend and fellow attendee is a huge fan of Mitchell's so I kept her company in line and ended up getting a signed poster.

As well as the Exhibition Hall, there are panels throughout the day. On the first day, I went to a panel sponsored by Entertainment Weekly called "Wonder Women" and it featured Sigourney Weaver, Eliza Dushku, Zoe Saldana and Elizabeth Mitchell. I also saw a Dexter panel that day. For the panels, patience is required as the popular ones require at least a couple of hours' wait. They don't clear rooms between each panel and so, sometimes, you end up sitting through ones prior to the ones you want to see just to make sure you get a seat for your desired panel.

There is food to be had but like any event, it's overpriced and not that good. The trick is to eat a big breakfast, snack on things like granola bars throughout the day and wait to eat dinner afterwards though there are evening events as well. As my friend and I were still on East Coast time, we ended up wimping out of the evening events to go back to the hotel, drop off our laden bags and grab a quick dinner before going to bed around 10:30 p.m. This way, we'd have energy throughout the day.

You need energy for Comic-Con. The walk to the hotel for us each way was over a mile. Once inside, the Exhibition Hall takes a tremendous amount of walking to get from one side to another. The panels take tremendous amounts of standing in line. By the end of the day, your feet feel like you've run a marathon, no matter how comfortable your shoes. I admire the women who go in costumes that require heels.

At the end of the day, the lines streaming out of the convention centre mirror those streaming in during the morning. Some brave people head over to the line for Hall H, the largest room in the Convention Centre and always with the most popular events. People camp out here so that they get guaranteed admission along with a good seat for the next day's panels. This year, the "Twilight: New Moon" panel had Twi-Hards and their mothers' apparently camping out over 24 hours before it began. For those of us who aren't that energetic or dedicated we leave. People await, handing out yet more promotional materials. This year, the TV show Heroes was sponsoring a 'carnival' outside the Convention Centre, complete with rides, games and cotton candy stalls. I think it has something to do with what's going on with the show but since I long gave up on Heroes because it just, frankly, started to suck, I have no idea. Still, it was a great idea.

So, that's an overview of the entire event. Hopefully, I've given you a mental picture. It's organized chaos, mostly. Yet it's a fun chaos, chaos that allows us to indulge the shows, books, comics and movies that we're passionate about and embrace the fact that it's ok to be a fan. I'll recap more specifics tomorrow.

As always, thanks for reading. It's nice to be back.

Happy Monday.

Sookie Stackhouse: Now Those are REAL Vampires...

This week is going fast. I rarely say that but, for once, it's true. Maybe it's because I bought a house, maybe it's because it's busy at work suddenly but...whatever it is, it's already Wednesday and the week is almost half over.

Sometimes it seems like the week is going too fast, like I get home from work, work out, make dinner and it's almost time for bed. Of course, that may be because I'm having fun reading at the moment and I love to go to bed early and read until I'm ready for sleep. I think I mentioned that I'm working my way through the Sookie Stackhouse Southern Vampire series at the moment. I'm on book five already. They're so easy and fun to read, I'm having to pace myself. I feel like, suddenly, it's ok to like vampires again.

I've always liked vampires. I used to read this series when I was young called "The Little Vampire" by Angela Somer-Bodenburg. They were about a vampire child named Rudolph who was too young to drink human blood but was from a family of ancient vampires. He introduces his family to Tony, his new human friend and, naturally, adventures ensue. After that series came Dracula, naturally and then Anne Rice. I loved the first four books in the Vampire Chronicles. I read the ones that she wrote after those and with each one, the mysterious, romantic and erotic world she created began to suddenly be beyond ridiculous. Lestat lost his sexy bad-boy appeal and became almost as whiny as Louis, the narrator of Interview with a Vampire.

Then I stopped reading vampire books for a while. There was plenty of other fiction out there. Sure, I read Salem's Lot, Stephen King's rather creepy foray in the vampire genre. I played vampire video games with my brother, Dracula Unleashed being our favourite. Yet I stopped searching for vampire fiction.

Then, of course, came Twilight and it's subsequently and increasingly awful sequels. While I've blogged about the fact that, if I'd been a sixteen year old girl, I'd have probably liked the novels more, I'm not a sixteen year-old and thus I think the novels are pretty awful. I've blogged about the books already and why I think they're awful so I won't go into that again. Yet, I can safely say, now I'm reading Charlaine Harris' Sookie Stackhouse series, I can point my finger at Stephanie Meyer and say, "Lady, did you think of ANYTHING original?"

Sookie's been around a fair bit longer than Bella, the whinier, more helpless heroine of the Twilight series. She's a telepath whereas in Twilight, Edward Cullen is the telepath. Sookie doesn't have many friends because people are freaked out by her mind-reading ability. Bella doesn't have many friends because she's annoying and whiny and falls in love with a vampire because there's not much else to do in rainy Forks. Sookie's boss and sometimes-crush is her boss, Sam who happens to be a shapeshifter and proves himself a loyal friend to Sookie. Bella's friend, Jacob, is a loyal friend to Bella and also happens to be a werewolf. That is, to say, in the first three books, he's a werewolf. In Breaking Dawn, Stephanie Meyer decides he and his co-werewolves are now shapeshifters because, well, why not arbitrarily change a character at the last minute?

I could continue on. There are more than a few more similarities between the books. In the very first book of the Sookie series, Dead Until Dark, Sookie describes how the vampires skin seems to glow, how the vampires are all beautiful. It turns out that it makes it much easier to get human prey that way. Interestingly enough, in Twilight, the vampires are described as having glowy skin and are stunningly beautiful because, you know, it makes it easier to get prey that way. I'll give Meijer kudos for getting around that pesky traditional " the sun kills vampires" lore; in her books, the sun makes the vampires sparkle "like they've been dusted with diamonds" and that's why they have to stay out of it because otherwise humans would realize they were vampires.

I know that, really, much of Charlaine Harris' vampire/supernatural creature lore is not original. Vampires are cold because..they're dead. Werewolves run hotter than humans because...they're part wolf and plenty more. Yet Harris presents it in such a fun, matter-of-fact way that you can almost believe there are vampires, shapeshifters, werewolves and fairies hiding in the moss-dripping trees of the Louisiana Bayou.

The other thing about her books is that...they're sexy. I'm not faulting Stephanie Meyer for the fact that her books are rated PG that even the pillow-tearing, headboard-breaking 'sex scene' has all the sensuality of a Victorian teaparty. It's nice that she can give our over-sexed teenagers something to obsess over that isn't about sex but is about love.

Yet, I'm not a teenager and I quite like reading a good sex-scene and, let me tell you, Charlaine Harris is the queen of the good sex-scenes. I never much cared for Bill, Sookie's vampire boyfriend, because I thought him a wee bit drippy yet in bed, I quite liked Bill. Of course, then there's Eric. I had to turn the air conditioning on when I got to book four because, let me tell you, it might not be literature but it is fun. And really, really...uh....hot.

I realize my mother reads my blog. Fortunately, my mother doesn't seem to get shocked when I bring up sex as I do every so often. So I don't think she's going to say, "Captain Monkeypants, I raised you better than that!" Also, she and my dad watch True Blood, the HBO adaptation of the novels so she knows what they're about. I'm going to loan them to her, in fact.

So, anyway, I guess the purpose of today's blog is to recommend the Sookie books if you're into fun reads. I have to give credit to two friends (and loyal blog readers) who recommended I read them. You know who you are...and I thank you both, Mrs. Future Texan and Mrs. Likes-Twilight-a-Little-Too-Much-But-You're-Completely-Forgiven-For-Sending-Me-Your-Sookie-Stackhouse-Books.

Granted, the books aren't at the level of, say, Jane Austen but even she has been adapted to fit the modern world with Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. Is it too hard to imagine Mansfield Park Full of Vampires or Sense and Sensibility And Fangs? I, personally, don't think so. Also, I think that would be intriguing. Probably horribly wrong...but intriguing.

Happy Wednesday.

The Vampire Trend

It is a nasty, damp, steamy day out there. We had thunderstorms last night, not the air-clearing kind but the clinging kind that come in, rumble, rain and then evaporate, leaving the air heavier and stickier than ever.

It's grey and gloomy and feels like a 'stay in bed' type of morning. Unfortunately, I have work commitments and I had to rouse myself. I also had to rouse Sausage who does NOT like to get out of bed until he's ready. He growls gently at me when I make him get up. It makes me laugh. I don't think he means to be funny.

Things are going a little better with the dog. I think he only barks a little in the crate and settles down to sleep after he realizes he's in there for a while. At least, this is what I've convinced myself. There's less guilt involved in that. Doggie day care didn't work out. For one thing, they never called me back and, for another, I realized they'd need proof that Sausage had his vaccinations as a puppy and, naturally, I don't have that proof.

So, it's just me and Sausage for a few more days. We have a routine now, at least I think we do. I get home from work and we walk. He hates walking because he's a lazy dachshund. Once he's done his business, he doesn't see the point of walking anymore. I think exercise is good for him. In disagreement, there will be times during our walks in which he will sit himself down on the grass and refuse to move. Then, when I make him get up, he gives me disgusted looks and trots along until he decides to sit down again. Like I said, we have a routine.

Of course, having a routine with Sausage means my regular routine is a little off-kilter. I haven't been able to write in a while because of house-buying, Washington D.C.-visiting, Sausage-sitting and various other interruptions. Of course, I do recognize the fact that I could still find time to write but...I'm not. I hate that I'm not. I hate that the past few years have spurned a flurry of books from me and this past year has been very thin on the writing front. I love to write. I want to write. It's just been a bad year as far as getting anywhere with my writing. I can blame the economy a little for that. I can also blame my writing for that. I'm writing what I want, not what's popular.

At the moment, I should be writing vampire novels, it seems. That's the trend. People give credit to Twilight and Stephanie Meyer's other vampire books. I don't. Vampires weren't invented by Meyer, they were just Victorian-ized, stripped of their natural eroticism and made sparkley. I'm reading Charlaine Harris' Sookie Stackhouse books at the moment and enjoying them immensely. Now these books are what vampire books should be: Sexy, funny, witty and clever. While I know the actual writing in them isn't perfect, the beauty of Harris' books is that I don't care. I'm so taken in by the story and the characters that I forget to notice the writing. To me, that's the mark of a good writer, not necessarily the structure, the words, the grammar and the formal side of the craft.

What I love about Charlaine Harris' books is that she has fun writing them. You can jump right into the story and when you're reading them, it seems perfectly natural that vampires have come out of the coffin and are fighting for equal rights in society, that shapeshifters are lurking in the shadows, trying to hide what they really are by keeping a human form, that mythical creatures lurk in the woods. I enjoy reading about Sookie because she acts like a real human; yes, she makes some unwise choices because she's a little naive but...I find it perfectly believable that she would fall in love with a vampire. I also rather like that though she loves the Vampire Bill, she's still horribly disgusted with the more bloodthirsty vamps and the fact that they're actually...you know...dead. She's also declared that she adores sunshine and has no intention of becoming a vampire. I love her for this. Unlike, say, Bella Swann from the Twilight novels who fell for a vampire, is enamored with their beauty and was already begging to be turned into a vamp at the end of the first novel. Sookie also can take care of herself or, at least, thinks she can and tries admirably. She doesn't always needs to be rescued. I like that in a heroine.

Anyway, these are only two of the vampire series flooding the market. In the teen market, in particular, there are multiple other series or stand-alone books on the Barnes and Noble display tables. Next season on TV, a series called The Vampire Diaries is being filmed for the CW network. Now there's talk about a remake of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie. If you've seen the first movie, you'll know it was awful. It was bad. It was campy crap that only has significance because it was the springboard for the brilliant TV series by Joss Whedon.

Of course, Joss isn't going to be involved in the movie. From what I'm reading, he wasn't asked and the studio responsible for the stupid idea is hoping to jump on the vampire band wagon. Also, knowing what I know about Joss, he probably said, "what a dumb idea," shrugged, and continued filming Cabin in the Woods or whatever is the name of his new movie. You see, Joss probably knows what all we Buffy fans know. Buffy was only Buffy because of Joss. Take the Whedon out the equation and essentially what you have is...the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie with Donald Sutherland, Luke Perry and Kristy Swanson which...sucked. Joss wrote the script for that movie and was essentially taken out of the equation because the studio so heavily rewrote his script. When the movie bombed, Joss took his idea and made the series which, to me, is still some of the best television ever created.

I know I won't be going to see that movie. What's the point? I've lived in Buffy's world and it's in Sunnydale, California which, blew up at the end of the series. Buffy and the slayers are all around the world these days. That's the Buffy I know. It'd be a little like going to see a remake of Star Wars in which Luke Skywalker was allowed to exist but there could be no Han Solo, Princess Leia or Darth Vadar because the studio didn't have the rights to the characters. Dumb, right?

I could rant all day about this but it won't do any good. Movie studios are greedy. They've long forgotten to make movies for the filmgoers, concentrating instead of the cheapest way to make a lot of money. Fortunately, there are talents like Joss Whedon out there to give us what we really need: Good entertainment that actually makes us think a little at the same time we're laughing.

I've digressed from my original point which is why I stopped writing for a while. I want to wait and see when the wheel of trends turns, what will be next. We've had pirates, wizards and dragons recently...I'm curious to see what's next to be in vogue. Then again, if I get my act together, maybe I can try creating something original that sparks a million other ideas.

You just never know.

Happy Wednesday

I'm an Adult and I Blame the Jonas Brothers

So, last night as I'm watching TV, getting ready for Grey's Anatomy, it occurred to me that I'm getting old. It was one of those horrible, sudden realizations that stops you cold for just a second. Ok, so I am approaching my mid-thirties and it's not that old but you have to understand, until recently, I still sort of counted myself on the side of the young 'uns and not of the grown-ups.

I think it's time to admit I'm a grown-up, an adult. Eek. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I've been living like a kid. My bed is a grown up bed, not some princessy, curtain-draped wonder. I cook. I clean. I even occasionally do my own laundry. I act like an adult, I've just never really felt like one.

You might wonder what spurned this revelation. Well, in all honesty, it was those blasted Jonas Brothers. You have to be somewhat familiar with them. They're the hot teen band; you cannot go into Walmart without seeing their stuff displayed by the Hannah Montana merchandise. I think there are three of them, they're Disneyfied boys, prettied up to get the girls screaming and they play that bubblegum rock that makes your teeth feel like it's going to fall out of your head with the sweet teen-ness of it all.

Last night I saw a preview for their movie or whatever it is they're promoting and I thought to myself, "what funny looking little boys" and then it hit me, I called them little boys. My mind flickered to the audience for whom they exist and I realized that I had no connection to this generation, that it had moved on and so had I.

I think this is the first generation with which this has happened. I try to stay pretty current in my music tastes. I'm a die-hard Green Day fan, I love Linkin Park, I love My Chemical Romance, I like some of the songs they used in the Twilight movie. (I'm sad to admit that Stephanie Meyer and I do have similar taste in music and when she lists the songs that on her writing playlist, they're usually very similar to mine). I'm always worried that I'll seem like an old person trying to be young but, in truth, I really don't care. I've always loved music and that will most likely never change.

I will say that even when I was a teen, it's doubtful I would have liked the Jonas Brothers. With my generation, it was New Kids on the Block or, as they're so fondly known, NKOTB. I despised them in high school. I was annoyed at their popiness, their irritating sickly ballads, their clean-cut looks and their horrible choreographed dancing. I was into the hard rock stuff, Bon Jovi, Skid Row, Def Leppard, Cinderella. Well, that was until I suddenly started listening to showtunes and I became a complete an utter nerd but I've already told you about that.

Yet even though I didn't care for NKOTB, I cared enough to tease my friends who did and, deep down, understood why they liked them...yet it still wasn't for me.

With the Jonas Brothers, I realized I didn't even care enough to mock them. They exist but they have nothing to do with me. I wouldn't know if I heard them on the radio, all I'd know is that I was on the wrong station and scan for another one. Even with the craze before that, High School Musical (HSM), I had seen the first stupid movie. It was when I lived alone in L.A. and I had a free preview weekend of the Disney Channel (I only ever had basic, basic, BASIC cable- local channels only with a few odd extras). I thought it looked interesting when they previewed the first HSM. I still like a good musical and I thought "That looked cute."

Bad idea. I thought it was awful. It was a shiny-happy version of high school and not one that I remembered. I knew it was Disney but wow, was it Disney, the dimples, the shiny hair, the happy ending...give me that in a cartoon form, change the characters into monkeys or something and I might like it but not with those insipid kids with their flat-ironed hair and trained-from-birth singing voices.

Yet, you'll notice, I still cared enough to pick on it, to make fun of it. I would never mock the fans of it unless they were over the age of 16 but you get the point, right?

Those Jonas Brothers are just a sign of the times. They're a safe transition from pre-teen to teenagerness. Yet, to me, they're just there. I don't even groan when I see their posters the way I do with the two leads from Twilight because the kids like The Jonas Brothers and let 'em have their music.

(Of course, the Twilight thing might be because every picture I see of Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart looks like they've been smoking something they shouldn't have. Seriously, want a visual picture of 'stoned', look at the latest cover of Entertainment Weekly.)

I digress. Again. Anyway, back to the Jonas Brothers. They make me feel old. I do still remember the butterflies that a pre-teen crush can bring.*

(*side note: I already confessed I used to love George Michael. Today, a remake of "Careless Whisper" was on the radio and I still know every word without thinking. Bizarre.)

Yet I don't get the fuss about the Jonas Brothers and I don't care. The kids like 'em. That's all that matters. And by saying 'the kids' I'm separating myself off as an adult.

I suppose it had to happen sometime, I had to come out of the closet and admit I was a grown-up, no matter how many times I watch or read Harry Potter but I just didn't expect it to happen so suddenly and without my knowing it was going to happen.

I suppose it had to happen sometime, right?

Have a great weekend.

Stephen King vs. Stephanie Meyer

So, yesterday, there was a slightly 'big' controversy in the writing world. I say 'big' because depending on how much you care about either author involved, it may have slipped by unnoticed. However, if you're like me and you like to read, there's very little chance you haven't heard of either Stephen King or Stephanie Meyer.

Now, for those of you new to my blog, it's no secret that I dislike the writings of Stephanie Meyer immensely. Ok, so dislike might not be a strong enough word based on what I've written in the past. I think it's pretty obvious that I think the Twilight books are badly written rip-offs of much better author's works. I've been nice in giving Meyer respect for at least getting young people to read. Although now I might have to amend even that nicety a little because, frankly, the obsessee's of Twilight aren't exactly going out to the library or Borders and looking for other books. They're just rereading all of Meyers' books over and over again. There comes a point where that stops being reading and just starts being scary.

In case you haven't heard of Stephanie Meyer, the Twilight series is a four-part series of novels about a perfect boy who turns out to be a vampire and a very normal girl who inexplicably becomes the desire of the vampire. The series encompasses themes such as being so in love, you're willing to kill yourself because your love left you. Also, a theme that love conquers all, especially life because Bella, the heroine, spends three and a half books pining for Edward, our hero, to kill her so she can join him in eternity. She's seventeen. She has a loving family. Yet she still wants to turn herself into a bloodsucking beauty just so she can stay with Edward. Then she eventually marries the vampire, has his baby in an extremely gruesome manner and gets turned into a vampire because it was the only way to save her life. Oh, also, Bella's best friend (who started out as a werewolf but then became a Shapeshifter because Meyer couldn't make up her mind) is in love with Bella so there's a love triangle going on. Except when Bella and Edward's baby is born, the terribly-named Renesme, Jacob falls in love with baby because that's what shapeshifters/werewolves do- they imprint on a person, no matter how old, and mate for life.

Ok, so that might be a teensy bit editorialized but, I promise, the plotlines in the paragraph above are all true. Every last one of them.

Anyway, so that's a little about Ms. Meyer. Now, about Stephen King. Yesterday, a quote was published from him regarding Stephanie Meyer for an interview he did with USA Today:

"The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can't write worth a darn," he said. "She's not very good."

Naturally, Meyer fans are in an uproar. The mud is flying, people are accusing Stephen King of being the pot to Meyers' kettle, i.e he can't write either.

I beg to differ. Ok, so Stephen King's books of late haven't been particularly gripping. Ok, so he said he was going to retire a couple of times but...hasn't. And yes, his earlier books were WAY better than his later ones (which may or may not have been linked to his alcohol/substance abuse problems from back in the day.) I'm not saying that he was a better writer when he was drunk or high but....well....those books were better. However, Stephen King has some amazing credits to his name. He can also write and he can write well.

Personally, I can't even fathom how people can even dare say that King can't write any better than Meyer. To say so is almost a crime. Whether you like horror or fantasy or not, doesn't mean that Stephen King can't spin an amazing tale. When he wants to, King's writing can be beautiful and poetic. His characters are three dimensional and compelling. He can make you laugh with a simple phrase such as "he stared at him as though he'd just suggested he use the Arc of the Covenant as a pay toilet". That may be slightly misquoted but it's one of my all time favourite literary quotes. I think it might be from It but I actually don't know. All I know is that it stuck with me.

I'm not saying that Stephen King is perfect. After all, my mother, who used to read his books and enjoy them can no longer read his works because he was arrogant enough to write himself into the last of his Dark Tower series. I admit, this was a gutsy move. I actually didn't mind that at all, I had more of an issue with the syrupy, sugary ending he gave his Susannah character. With that, he let me down, proving that even the toughest, most brutal writers can give in to sentiment. Stephen King: if you're going to kill two of my favourite characters from the Dark Tower books, do not DARE to try to bring them back for a happy ending. I mourned them both and was ok with that. Bringing them back was cheating and it should never have happened.

Yet if you look at Stephen King's record vs. Stephanie Meyer, I don't think anyone can question the fact that King is the much better of the two authors. For one thing, have you looked at his sales figures? Secondly, have you read his books? My favourite is still Black House which was a joint effort with Peter Straub but, as a King fan, I can see his writing and his influence on the book and it's brilliant. The Waste Lands, the third of the Dark Tower series, is one of the best fantasy books ever written, in my opinion.

Yet it's not a question of who's the better writer. That's obvious. Also, I think King was absolutely right to declare J.K. Rowling a far superior writer to Meyer because she is. I am sick to death of the Twilight vs. Harry Potter debate. It's like comparing Star Wars to Starship Troopers. They might both be entertaining but one is a cinematic classic...the other is a piece of crap that might entertain but at the end of the day, has giant bugs and some terrible acting.

I suppose I'm just happy that, once again, Stephen King has seconded an opinion I've had for a while. He did that with Dan Brown's DaVinci Code, calling it a piece of "dreck". I'd been calling it that for ages. It's nice to have someone who usually writes rather well not afraid to say what he thinks instead of patting Stephanie Meyer on the head and saying "good girl" instead of saying "you're a bad writer who ripped off Anne Rice."

And, as a writer, it's also nice to feel validated. I used to wonder how Stephanie Meyer got past the rejection letters since her writing is so....mediocre. Then I found out a friend of her's was a writer and hooked her up with an agent. Some of us aren't that lucky. We keep writing and our writing improves but we have no published friends.

Yet at least there are published authors like Stephen King to stand up for good writing until we can get our start. And, for that, I say thank you, Mr. King. I'll even consider reading some of your newer books again.

Happy Thursday.

Why I Once Would have Loved Twilight: The Obsessive Nature of Captain Monkeypants

I've always been a creature of phases. And I don't mean that like I'm a werewolf or anything but, rather, that I've always had a bit of an obsessive personality. Ever since I was a child, I've had a tendency to get stuck on something and it becomes my most favourite thing in life.

For example, one of my earliest obsessions was with a British children's author named Enid Blyton. As an avid reader anyway, I discovered that she had hundreds of books. They were books about boarding schools, fantasy lands that could be found at the top of trees, child detectives, mysteries and even had my most favourite character: Noddy. Noddy was a little elf-like thing whose best friend was the grumpy Big Ears. I used to call him "Biggy Ears" before I knew better. I absorbed Enid Blyton's books like a sponge: I used to go to the library and come home with a stack of five books, all by her. I wanted to go to boarding school, to have midnight feasts, to do all the things her characters did. Actually, I've always had a sneaking suspicion that J.K. Rowling, author of Harry Potter, also read her share of Enid Blyton when she was younger. There are definitely some good Blyton-esque scenes in her books, especially the earlier ones before the world of Hogwarts got too dark.

Anyway, my obsession got to the point where, I believe, a teacher even told my mother that I should probably read something else to give me some variety. You see, I didn't know it then but Enid wasn't, um....a good writer. She tended to use the same words over and over and being as young as I was, I didn't realize how dated her books were, even when I was a child.

Sadly, I got my hands on some Enid Blyton books fairly recently, books that I'd loved as a child about St. Clare's school. I was horrified. They were terrible. They were full of terms like "fiddlesticks" and "golly gosh" and they were absolutely horrendously written. Needless to say, I was mildly crushed that such a staple of my youth wasn't the paragon I believed her to be. Yet she'd given me an impetus to read voraciously as a young 'un and there was value in that.

My obsessions continued. They veered in music in which I am now sort of embarrassed to admit I was a huge Wham! fan and was in love with George Michael. Ok, I'm more than sort of embarrassed. Hey, I was ten. We didn't know he was gay then. My best friend and I would had recorded two Wham! videos- "Careless Whisper" and "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" (and yes, ok, I know technically "Careless Whisper" was a solo effort by George but that's irrelevant to my story). We would run home at lunch EVERY DAY and watch them. My poor mother- she had to suffer through that. Sorry, mum. Really.

From Wham! I moved on bouncing from films to television to books and back to music. I went through a heavy metal period in my teens, wearing the black band shirts and thinking I was cool because I liked hair bands. Again, hindsight is 20-20 but at the time, they were a metaphor for my painful awkward teen years. My friends and I would have lotteries to divide up who had 'custody' of a band for the week. Yes, again....I was an unhappy teen for a while but, then again, show me a happy one. As teens, we all think that we're misunderstood and unliked by our peers. It's only fifteen years later and you realize that all those people you thought hated you really were just as messed up and befuddled by life as you and suddenly they all want to be your Facebook friend.

Uh, sorry...I digress. After that phase, I changed friends. I think it's because I suddenly realized that life really didn't suck and I was just a dork in a black shirt listening to music from men more effeminate then me. I made new friends and started to listen to happier things like Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals.

It was a new phase. That one lasted me a while. During that phase, I also went through an Anne Rice phase in which I loved vampires again. I've always liked vampires but Anne Rice made them more romantic and less, you know, fangy and bloody. Phases can overlap, you know.

Since then, I've probably had a dozen more phases. I went through a huge Buffy the Vampire Slayer phases but, then again, that one is still ongoing merely because Joss Whedon, the writer and creator of the show is a genius and I will follow his creativity wherever he goes because he always keeps me amused, spellbound and fascinated by his ability to write and create such original stuff.

You may wonder why I'm telling you all this. My snarky answer is that it's my blog, I can tell you what I like. Surprisingly, however, I do have a point. This whole reverie was sparked by a visit to a bookstore this weekend in which I saw two teenage girls grabbing several copies of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight books and literally being so excited you could see them jumping up and down.

Surprisingly enough, given my past rants and blogs about Ms. Meyer, this isn't actually a tirade against her and her mediocre books. It's mostly because when I saw those teens being that excited over a book, I could relate to it. Maybe the reason I hate those books so much is because I know, as a teen, I, too, would have wanted to be Bella Swan with her sparkled-skin, bronze-haired hero to save her from her mundane life. I would have felt catharsis in Bella's unhappiness too. So I can't even mock them as I normally would. Mostly, I'm excited that they are that excited over a book. Ok, so I wish it was someone more deserving like Neil Gaiman, Celia Rees, J.K. Rowling or even Stephen King but, well, at least they're excited over a book of some kind.

The only thing that I wonder, especially as I surf the pages of the internet, is how those Twi-hards are going to feel in a few years. At the moment, every entertainment site I read likes to talk about the sequel to the blah Twilight movie and who will play who and if the new director will be good. With each online news story, there is room for comments and that space is filled with devoted love from Twi-hards about how amazing the movie will be, how much Robert Pattinson resembles the Edward in their head and all of that. Yes, I read them. I used to be a quasi-journalist- I'm a firm believer in reading the good as well as the bad.

The comments are often written in that annoying shorthand used for text messaging, so fluidly done that it's obviously a teen. They love their Twilight. They love Stephanie Meyer. They love the books so much that they've read them multiple times.

There's nothing wrong with that. Whatever gets 'em through the day.

Yet, as I mentioned, in a few years, when those devoted fans are a little better adjusted to life, when the awkward teen years are behind them and they find themselves becoming adults, will they really be able to go back to Twilight and see the same beauty and brilliance they see now? Or will it become one of those slightly embarrassing obsessions that got them through middle school or high school but now needs to be forgotten?

I can't answer that because I don't know. What I do know is that when I was fourteen, I read The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton. I fell in love with the book. I read it and reread it. I memorized the opening. I wondered what would happen if I met Ponyboy. I watched the movie. It wasn't great but I was willing to overlook that because there were Sodapop, Ponyboy and Johnny on the screen.

I reread that book a few years ago. I get why I loved it. It's the tale of a teen who doesn't fit in but eventually, after some crappy experiences, realizes that he has to stay true to himself. Something like that, anyway. I don't know why I could relate to it. I was from an unbroken, nicely stable, loving middle-class family- completely the opposite of any of The Outsider's characters. Yet I also cringed a little that I'd loved it as much as I had. I recognized that value it gave me in my teens but, as an adult, like any youthful obsession, I couldn't remember why I'd loved it to the point of obsession.

I suppose, maybe, The Outsiders was my Twilight. Minus the sappy romance and drippy descriptions, of course. I know now, having the hindsight and something resembling wisdom, that had I loved Twilight in my teens, it would now be one of those shelved memories along with Def Leppard, Bon Jovi and crushes on skateboarders who should have bathed more often. I'd be slightly embarrassed that I loved it but in a way, it made me who I am, for better or for worse. I like who I am now and that means everything. I hope those Twilight fans have a similar experience.

Sorry for the long blog but thanks, as always, for reading. Happy Wednesday.

Bonus Blog: Twilight...My Review

If you've read my blog on any given week, I have a tendency to rant. My favourite ranting topic o' the moment is Stephanie Meyer and the awfulness of Breaking Dawn. I'm also not much of a Meyer fan in general. I read Twilight a while ago, before I knew about the Twi-hards or (Twi-tards, as I prefer) and the Twilight moms. I thought it was an ok book, one by which Anne Rice should feel a little plagerized but I sort of understood why it reached teens. The rest of the series was bland and silly with the exception of Breaking Dawn which should never have been published without mass rewriting and editing.

My hatred of Breaking Dawn retroactively made me despise anything to do with Meyer and Twilight and so when the movie became the cover story for Entertainment Weekly on a regular basis or, at the very least, a huge space-stealer, I was irritated beyond belief. I was sick to death of the hype and still, to this day, can't understand why Entertainment Weekly and other magazines could not promote the far-superior Stardust movie last year with the same gusto. Stardust, based on the Neil Gaiman book, was cute, clever, romantic, hilarious and just a fun ride that makes me want to rewatch it over and over. The original book is a grown-up fairy tale, written with lyric and simplicity and worth ten of Twilight any day.

Yet, because I am a fair Monkeypants, I knew I couldn't complain about a movie without seeing it and so, I knew I had to see Twilight. After all, I'm a firm believer that you can't mock properly without having done your research.

I had no expectations. I expected it to stink. The previews had done nothing to prove otherwise. So I went into the theatre, expecting to snort with derision and emerge at the end, satisfied that I'd been right.

Truth is, that didn't happen. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a good movie by any means. It just wasn't as horrible as I expected. Given my earlier scathing comments, that's high praise.

Let's start with what I liked. I thought that the scene in which Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) and Bella Swan (Kristin Stewart) are paired as lab partners was awesome. The look of revulsion on Edward's face was perfect. The problem was, it made me wonder how much cooler the books would have been if he had continued to loathe her. So much more interesting than puppy-love, don't you think?

Yet this scene made me feel differently about Robert's portrayal of Edward. I got a strong feeling that he was almost mocking the character as he portrayed him, that there was a snarky and bitter undertone in his performance that played perfectly on screen. I'm probably wrong but I felt like Robert didn't think much to Edward and that added a rather good layer to the character who otherwise is one of the wussiest, blandest vampires ever to grace the fiction world.

I also liked Billy Burke's portrayal of Charlie Swan, Bella's dad. In the books, the character has always been rather obtuse and uninvolved in his daughter's romantic entanglement with vampires. Even when she disappeared for months and then re-appeared as a vampire in Breaking Dawn, all it took was for a football game on TV to distract him. I get the feeling that the movie Charlie would kick that Charlie's arse. He's protective, wry and funny. Granted, the man is town Police Chief and he cleans his gun while drinking beer but he's funny and I loved the layers he gave a somewhat background character.

I also actually enjoyed the baseball scene. Set to Muse's "Supermassive Black Hole", the scene is fun and enjoyable. Then again, I've always liked Muse so maybe that was why.

So, see, I can be nice. But I can also be scathing. For example, though Bella Swan has always baffled me as to why Edward can love such a drip, Kristin Stewart's portrayal is beyond dull. She's very pretty and has good hair in the movie. However, she delivers Bella's lines in a monotonal fashion that show that she, like us, is bored with the character. The turning point in the movie in which it went from being decent to being bad was the scene where she confronts Edward and tells him she knows he's a vampire. Ugh. The way she says her lines: "Your skin is ice-cold and pale..." and all that stuff is cringeworthy.

Speaking of lines, there are some stinkers in there. The two worst, sadly, are taken directly from Meyer's book: "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb" and "You're my special brand of heroin". Really? I HATE the lion/lamb line. It makes me think of one of those high-school freshman who want to be writers journaling in their notebook, writing what they think is deep prose but really is a glorified diary entry.

Then there's the special effects. I know the budget sucked for the movie but it seems that they skimped on areas that should have had the most attention paid to them. We didn't need to see Edward jump and run up so many trees. The money spent on that would much better have been spent on makeup. Seriously, Carlisle Cullen looks terrible. You can see the pancake makeup piled on. Maybe it was the blonde hair but he looked washed out and unattractive.

The scene in which Edward shows why he can't go out in the sun (he sparkles- in case you hadn't read the book) was awful. He looked sweaty. He didn't look like "he'd been sprinkled with diamond dust" as the book so frequently and gushingly describes. He looked wet and sweaty.

And then there are the rest of the Cullens. Alice was pretty good, very accurate to the way she is in the book. Emmett was supposed to be strong and big but he looked like a lumberjack to me. Rosalie, played by Nikki Read, was over-acted and pretty terrible. And then there was Jasper. He stood there with a blank look on his face. He's supposed to be able to calm people's emotions, that's his Vampire Power. I now call him Jasper Scissorhands because his hair and facial expression are so much like Edward Scissorhands, he should be sued.

Overall, there were moments where I was entertained. I only cringed a couple of times. I won't mention the author's cameo in the movie. It irritated me, let's leave it at that.

I wouldn't recommend Twilight. It isn't good. It's the type of movie that, if it didn't have an army of militant fans, would probably have flopped and emerged as a DVD rental. It's ok. It's watchable but it won't explain to the non-Twilight readers what all the fuss is about. Harry Potter it is not but then, it doesn't even deserve to be placed in comparison with those books though I'm reading otherwise.

I had to review this movie since I've ragged on the subject so much. I think perhaps if it was viewed as a comedy, it'd be better. I can't help but think Robert Pattinson might like that. Yet, overall, it wasn't as painful as I expected. But it wasn't good. And that, for now, is all I have to say about that.