Decisions, Decision

So, I've decided to continue blogging but I'm going to start reducing it from every week day to a couple of blogs a week. I think that might help with the blog burnout factor and help reduce the amount of blogs where I whine. This is not going to count as one of my blogs but I figured that since my last blog was a dither about whether or not to keep blogging, I'd update this with my decision.

So, for now, I'll make this a short and sweet blog without saying much more other than to send out huge thank you's to my parents for helping me have one of those sorely needed weekends where I felt very loved. Sometimes, you need to feel loved and I haven't felt that way lately so it's nice to have it affirmed that no matter how blue you feel, time spent with family can pull you out of it.

Thanks, mum and dad...you are wonderful. Oh, and a belated welcome back mummy-Monkeypants from the UK where she managed to have a bad enough flying experiences that I still feel justified in setting the entrance to Hell in "Emmy Goes to Hell" in an airport.

Happy Monday and thanks, as always, for reading!

To Blog or Not to Blog...That is the Question

So, I extended my blogging vacation a little longer than planned. This has been primarily for me to take time to think about whether I really want to continue to blog or not. Lately, it’s become more of a chore than a pleasure to write. I enjoy writing it but sometimes, it feels horribly self-indulgent to think that people might actually want to read…well, about me.

I started my blog as a writing exercise, more than anything. It’s a way for me to get some writing done every day. It’s a great way for me to capture little moments in life, to paint a picture of my life with words. It’s a great tool to rant and rave. I’ve enjoyed it immensely.

I just don’t know if I should keep it going. I don’t know if people really want to read it or if it’s an obligation. This is not an attempt to fish for compliments, it’s a genuine query.

I think my dilemma stems from my current mood. Lately, I’ve been going through one of those self-examination phases. The rational, logical part of me is immensely content and feeling rather blessed with all the good things in life.

The irrational part of me has been feeling rather lonely and a little discontented with my life. Nothing seems quite…right. No matter what I do, I feel like I should do it differently or better. My writing isn’t going as well as it could and it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. Everyone I know is super busy living their life and I feel like I’m just standing still. I usually don’t mind standing still but my life has recently felt like an episode of “Sex and the City,” where Miranda, the strong, independent lawyer who thinks she doesn’t need a man, almost chokes on her food in her apartment. She has no one to rescue her from choking but herself and she realizes that sometimes being independent just means that she’s alone. Or, like Bridget Jones, I worry that I’ll die in my house alone with only the dogs to find me and they can’t dial 911. It’s melancholy but sometimes being strong and resourceful like I try to be is not always best.

My slight case of melancholia is probably because it’s suddenly turned rather autumnal here, suddenly. I love autumn. I have blogs and blogs to prove that. I’m just not quite ready for it yet. I want the summer to last a little longer, for the last of my tomatoes to ripen and to ease me into the cooler days/nights and the falling leaves. This cold rainy weather shock is not really easing us into autumn as much as it’s shoving us there without letting us look back and question it. It’s making me feel like time is moving too fast and I’m not moving with it.

I’m just not sure what to do about it at the moment. I suppose I could try online dating again to fight the worry of choking and dying alone. The thought has occurred to me. I just end up talking myself out of it because I’ve had some bad experiences. Also, I’m just not very good at dating. I just would rather skip it and jump right to that comfortable stage where you can sit on the sofa watching crappy television without worrying that you’re wearing little makeup, old clothes and didn’t bother putting your contacts in.

This phase will pass. I know it will. When the sun comes out and life gets busier, I’ll feel angry with myself for feeling so self-indulgent. Worse, I’ll feel angry that I posted this on my blog and gave into my self-indulgent urge to whine.

Which is probably why I’m considering giving up the blog. It allows me a receptacle to deposit my whining. It’s more fun when I rant, I think. However, whining seems to be quite a lot easier sometimes. It’s a heck of a lot easier to complain that it is to say good things.

However, saying good things is infinitely better. So, I’ll say that I appreciate those of you that have read my blog while I’ve been writing it. I appreciate the fact that I love my life 95% of the time. I appreciate my two little dogs who are always there for me and will protect me both from Stranger Danger and the disgustingness of “Hoarders”. Rory often comes to my aid when I make noises of distressed disgust- last week, we watched an episode where a man had 2,500 pet rats running around and when I squealed with horror at the swarm of creatures running freely throughout the house, Rory sat on my head and tried to cover my eyes. This is a true story.

I also appreciate life in general, for better for worse, in rain and sun and in spring, summer, autumn and winter. Having a blog lets me have a way to appreciate that.

So, I still haven’t decided if I’ll give it up. Like Scarlett O’Hara said (and I paraphrase)…I’ll decide tomorrow. I can’t decide today.

And clearly since I’ve already blogged, I’m not giving it up today anyway.

Thanks for reading!

Happy Thursday.

Happy 500th Blogday to Me!

This is an important blog for me. It's the 500th one I've written.

I can't believe I've been blogging this long and I've managed to accumulate 500 of them. I remember when I was just dithering about whether to start a blog at all. I finally stopped dithering and started blogging. Here I am, 500 blogs later. My very first blog was written on October 14, 2008. That's two days shy of exactly two years ago.

It's been a fun experience, blogging. If you haven't noticed, my blog wavers from being an outlet for issues in my personal life- most notably my miserable job- to being a commentary on the randomness of life. Since I've had the puppies, it's also been a narrative on the trials and tribulations of being a pet parent.

I find it fitting that exactly 500 blogs later and who knows how many whines, revelations and snarky comments about my job, I'm leaving the job in three days. I finally grew tired of my own bitterness and frustration and decided to do something about it.

I've noticed that 'doing things' is a pattern in my life. It's a good pattern. While I tend to be self-deprecating and lack a fair amount of esteem on most days, I do think one of my fundamental good points is that I'm a 'do-er'. I might be a slight procrastinator on the doing but I do eventually...do it.

I look back in my life and I realize that, for the most part, I've always been in charge of it. I've always managed to do what I want, in some way or another. I decide I want to blog...I start a blog. Then I keep blogging and don't shut up so that eventually, I'm reaching my 500th blogday (that's what Captain Monkeypants is calling momentous days in blogging. Blogdays. Sort of like birthdays but not really).

I got bored of living in the Midwest. I wanted to be a screenwriter. I moved to L.A. I wrote screenplays. Then I decided I'd rather write novels but, nevertheless, I decided to do something and I did it. When I decided to write a novel, I did. Then I wrote 8 more. I'm writing number 10, as we speak. Well, not at this exact moment but I'm writing it at work due to the fact that my boss is still acting like I broke his professional heart and has cut me out of each and every meeting I really should attend in my attempts to make my departure smooth. Since he's now officially acting like I'm already gone, I've decided to also act like I've already gone. I'm still doing the work that gets assigned to me but when I have downtime, I'm enjoying pecking away on Emmy Goes to Hell. If he finds out and decides to let me go early, I shall skip down the hallway with joy. Seriously. If I didn't honour the fact I said I was giving two weeks' notice, I'd have left last Friday.

Anyway, after I wrote some of my novels and had been living in L.A. for almost 8 years, I realized that coming back to the Midwest to see my family were the happiest times in my life. It began to feel like I was leaving pieces of my heart/soul behind every time I got back on the plane to go home. I knew it was time to move back. So I did. I managed to snag a job at my current company who, at the time, were shielded by the finances of the university to which they used to belong, and moved back. Granted, my job has never fit me that well but it helped me move back and helped me find some friends here in southwestern Ohio.

After I was settled, I then decided I wanted to buy a house. So...I bought a house. I wanted a dog...so I got two. My most recent 'do-ing' escapade was realizing I'd not only bored my blog readers to death with the frustration and annoyance I felt with my job but also, my family was starting to get that glassy eyed look every time I had a little whine and a moan about it. I also realized I was boring myself with my frustration. So...I got another job.

This isn't my attempts to pat myself on the back and say, 'look at me, I'm bloody brilliant!'. It's just an attempt for me to show myself that despite the fact that I haven't been able to snag that lucrative yet elusive publishing contract or even so much as get a magazine story published, I've done some things in my life that aren't too shabby. My dream is to be a successful writer. My reality is that I'm a writer who needs to do something else to make money. My dream is to find a man with whom I click completely and can share my life. My reality is I have two little puppies and the hope that he's out there...somewhere. My dream is to have a house near the ocean someday so I can smell the sea as I write. My reality is a little house in the suburbs and a pumpkin spice candle.

What it comes down to is that even if I have a mental picture of my perfect life, the reality of what I really have isn't so bad. I look back over my 500 blogs and I see the good as well as the wallowing, depressed badness. Like any human, I have my ups and downs. My choice here, what I chose to do is to publish them online.

When I look at what I have blogged about, it's eclectic. If you scroll down on this page, to the right, near the bottom, you'll see a word cloud. This includes everything from my Stephanie Meyer rants to blogging about deer and Dexter to ladybugs, avocados, Mario Batali and fire extinguishers. It was originally supposed to be about my writing and the trials and tribulations of being a writer. In a way, it is. It's the portrait of someone who is a writer but that's not all she is. It's also the portrait of someone who clearly has had a beef with her job but hopefully that'll change over the next 500 blogs.

I'm going to keep blogging. I hope you'll keep reading. It's nice to know that there are people out there, reading my random musings. To each one of you, I thank you for reading along. It's been a fun 500. Hopefully the next 500 will be more fun. My new motto...less whining....more writing.

Although I don't necessarily mean that literally. If you haven't noticed, I'm horribly prolific. I'm a babbler. Perhaps I should make my motto, less whining, more concise writing.

But that wouldn't really be me, would it?

Thanks so much for reading. Happy Wednesday!