Triumph over the Portal to Hell!

Today is a good day. I have been to the Portal to Hell and emerged, victorious. After long last, I managed to go to the DMV and leave without wanting to commit mass violence.

Yes, I am an Ohio licensed driver.

I'm also pleased to add that the DMV employees, while not nice, exactly, were not...unpleasant.

I'm shocked. And pleased.

If you read my blog regularly, you'll know of all my DMV troubles. If not, you can read about them here and here...and here. Oh, and here. Yes, I have had a LOT of trouble at the DMV.

Fortunately, today, the stars must have been aligned because I got what I wanted and no one was rude. I'm shocked. Shocked, I tell you.

My first stop this morning was the Regional Service Centre at the DMV. This is the place you go when they threaten to take away your license or actually do so. I was a threatened-ee. Fortunately, since the State of Indiana decided two days ago to unsuspend my driving privileges there, Ohio could see that and they had no case. They still wanted the $30 reinstatement fee until I politely pointed out that since the date upon which my license would be suspended had not yet passed, my license didn't have to be reinstated. They hemmed and hawed and consulted on that one then, finally, one wise DMV employee pointed out that they could, perhaps, look in the 'system' because it usually said how much I owed. Sure enough, it told them I owed...nothing. I'm rather glad I had them look because I have a feeling they would have taken the money otherwise and there wouldn't have been a reinbursement in my future.

Second stop, the license branch. I had a rather long wait while the two slowest people in the world tried to man the desk alone and, during which time, one of those two people stopped to yell loudly into a cell phone to try to get someone else to come in and help. While I fully support and endorse her decision to get more people in there to work, perhaps calling someone and telling her to get "her lazy ass out of bed before she gets kicked in the butt!" in the hearing range of people who, probably, like me have a bit of a negative view of the DMV...was not a great idea, per se.

Nevertheless, after a nice ten minute wait in line in which the Snails of the DMV dealt with the one customer in front of me, I finally got up there. My DMV snail, who was also the angry phone-yeller, was convinced she was going to trip me up, I'm sure of it.

Here's a quick recap:

DMV Snail: Yes?
Captain Monkeypants: I need to switch my California license to Ohio.
DMV Snail: Oh. (Pause). You need to take the written test first
CM: I did that.
DMV Snail: Oh. (She types into her computer). I can't find you.
CM: Oh, well, here's the paper that says I passed. (I smugly hand her my paper)
DMV Snail: (Examining the paper) It says you have a hold on your license.
CM: Not anymore. Just took care of that.
DMV Snail: (sighing, seemingly with disappointment) Do you have your Social Security Card
CM: Why, yes I do! ( I hand it to her)
DMV Snail: (Examining the card). I suppose I should see your California license.
(I hand it to her. She scrutinizes it then starts typing).
DMV Snail: Do you do drugs or alcohol in excess while driving?
CM: Nope.
DMV Snail: Do you have seizures or any other condition that makes you unsafe to drive?
CM: Nope
DMV Snail: Do you have any outstanding tickets?
CM: Nope
DMV Snail: Are you a US Citizen?
CM: Uh, no. Permanent resident.
(I see her eyes gleam with a secret hope)
DMV Snail: Do you have an I-5 form?
CM: No. ( I pause). But I do have a green card. Would you like to see it.
(I see her face fall).
DMV Snail: Yes.
(I hand it to her. She scrutinizes it. After long last, she enters everything into the computer, verifies it and prints it off to me to sign.)
DMV Snail: You need to have your picture taken over there. But, first, it's $23.
I stop. It seems a little high but, at this point, I'm literally moments from getting that stupid, shiny piece of laminated plastic. I sigh. Then I have a horrible realization. I have no cash.)
CM: Do you take checks? (She pauses.)
DMV snail: (Sighing) Yes.

I wait for her to tell me that they don't accept out of state checks. Then I realize that my check isn't out-of-state because I live in Ohio. She doesn't argue. She hands me a receipt, I get my picture taken and, moments later, out pops my new Ohio license.

I could complain that I came out looking orange in the picture, that I look like my face looks like it belongs to a giant. It's a big picture. My California license had a nice, dainty little picture on it. Ohio likes to scream "THIS. IS. YOU. SUCKER!". I think I look like an orangutang. And yes, while my moniker does imply that I love monkeys, it doesn't mean I want to look like a monkey.

But, the license is MINE. No more will I have to run through the reasons to be paranoid when I see a police car parked and waiting to swoop on a victim. I now have legal plates. I now have an Ohio license and thus haven't violated the "You must apply for a license 30 days after you move here" rule. I now have an unsuspended license in Ohio and Indiana.

I suppose, in a way, when I handed my license over to the DMV snail, that was truly the end of the L.A. period of my life. I am officially a Midwesterner again. While I have friends in L.A., there is barely a mark that shows I was ever there except the vestiges of my work at USC.

It's a bittersweet realization. I love being back in the Midwest, back to my family, back to a quieter life. Yet it's the end of a phase of my life that led to my discovery of who I am and what I want. I loved being there and there are some things I miss about L.A, sometimes on a daily basis. Yet everything I did, everything that happened, the good, the bad, the happy and the tragic...they're all part of a life experience that will never leave me. Everything that happens to us becomes part of us so, I can't help but feel that L.A. is a part of me and I brought part of it with me.

I never got to say goodbye to my license; it was taken and disposed of as I watched. It might have just been a little laminated piece of plastic but it was my last easy written evidence that I have ever lived there and been part of the crazy world of Los Angeles.

Still, the upside to having such bad DMV experiences in the past is that, as a result, today's was so joyous, I didn't have time to lament. I grabbed that piece of plastic and practically ran out of that DMV building before they could change their mind or ask for my first (as yet unborn) child in order for me to get my license.

As such, I now possess an Ohio license on which I look rather simian and orange.

But I possess a license. Oh, happy day.

Happy Thursday!

Hoping for a Summons to the Portal to Hell...

What else is there to say on a Friday except...thank goodness? Even though it's technically been a short week, it's felt like a long one.

Still, the weekend looms ahead and I cannot wait. At the very least, it means I don't have to set my alarm and the blissful luxury of being able to sleep in awaits me.

I was hoping I might get to go to the DMV yet again but, alas, it does not seem to be in my immediate future.

Yes, I repeat, I was hoping I might get to go to the DMV.

This may seem like a strange and un-Monkeypants thing to hope for, especially given my previous DMV rants.

Don't get me wrong, I still despise them with every fibre of my being but the sad fact of reality is that I need them.

I wish there was an alternative, that there was a happy place to go to take care of all things vehicular-operation related but, alas, the Portal to Hell seems to be my only option.

If you read my blog regularly, you'll recall my last unsuccessful attempt at the DMV. I went to finally give up my California license in order to exchange it for an Ohio one. I took my Ohio test. I passed. Then I was told that the State of Indiana had a hold on my license and they'd suspended it. Lovely. How kind of them not to let me know. I finally discovered it was because of an accident I'd had in 2001 that wasn't even my fault. The DMV said it never received proof that I'd been insured at the time. Never mind that the police report has my insurance proof on it. Never mind that there's countless tales of "The Indiana DMV lost my insurance proof" on the internet. Never mind that it was EIGHT YEARS AGO.

Being the responsible little Monkeypants that I am, I was horrified. I asked how I could fix it. I was told I could go to an Indiana DMV License Reinstatement Centre with a Certificate of Compliance from my Insurance Agent and get reinstated.

So I did. The only problem was the insurance company hadn't filled out the form completely. They forgot to put their name and address on it. The DMV office couldn't accept the form, nor would they let us write in the information. I drove all the way to that DMV which, I'd like to add was not conveniently located, for absolutely no reason.

I tried again Monday, faxing the completed form to the DMV per the instructions of the lady who'd turned me away. I'm now waiting seven-to-ten business days for it to clear and have the hold removed. Then I can attempt to get licensed in Ohio.

Except...now there's a problem there. I guess my attempt to do the legal thing and get my license changed over in the first place has now alerted the Ohio DMV that I'm having trouble in Indiana. Last night, I got a delightful letter in the mail informing me that as of three weeks, my license will be suspended in the state of Ohio, that I must surrender it and not drive until my issues in Indiana are resolved.

The problem with this is that I am receiving the same notice that someone who has commited a crime would receive. It's the "You Screwed Up and We're Going to Punish You by Taking Away Your Driver's License" letter. In Ohio, they take away the license after you get 12 points in two years or you get more than two DUI's. I know this because I read the handbook before taking my test.

Here's the thing: I didn't do anything wrong. After my accident, we called the police. The lady who hit me admitted it was her fault. My damage was paid for by her insurance. My insurance company was alerted. Now, I don't know if it was my insurance agent who didn't send in the form or it was that the DMV lost it. Either way, because, alas, I am not psychic, I did not know that the form hadn't been received because no one told me.

Now, I admit, in many cases, that's the excuse of a passive-aggressive person: "I didn't do it because no-one told me!" It's easier to place the blame on others because sometimes it's hard to admit we made a mistake.

However, in this case, I truly don't think I can be at fault. After all, I managed to change my Indiana license to California when I moved to L.A. in 2001. I've renewed my license plates at the DMV several times since 2001. Thus, they know where to find me. They have my address on file.

Which leads me to wonder how, exactly, I managed to drive for eight years without being informed that my license was suspended in the state of Indiana.

You can see why I'm a little irked, right? I'm also a little worried because I really need my driver's license. If I look at the logical steps, I've already sent in my paperwork to Indiana. I just need them to remove the hold which, theoretically, should be next week. After this, I have to go to an Ohio reinstatement centre, apparently pay $30 and be reinstated there. Which is just fantastic since I don't want to spend $30 to get my license back when I didn't have anything to do with it getting suspended in the first place. I can appeal my case but that takes 30 days. My license is going to be suspended in less than 21 days. Thus...if, along the way, at any time, the Indiana DMV loses my form again, I'm going to be in some hot water.

I wonder if anyone has the same travails with the DMV that I do. I know they are the Pit of Despair for many people but why does it seem like I have more trouble than anyone else? All I want to do is drive legally in Ohio. I could have gone until January before my California license expired. Instead, I'm being punished because I tried to be responsible. I'm just glad I didn't wait. I'd hate to think what the DMV would do then.

Yet, we are all at the mercy of the DMV if we want to drive our cars. Unlike with airlines that make our lives difficult, we don't have a choice with whom we license our cars and ourselves to drive. Besides, in United Airlines' case, they did, at least, send me a gracious reply after I emailed again telling them I didn't like being ignored. They also gave me $250. I may not like their planes but I appreciate it anyway. It's a bribe but I'll take it.

I don't see the DMV apologizing for anything. They don't have to, that's the problem. I know they have to cater to a lot of unsavory folks but I do wonder why, exactly, they try so hard to live up to their reputation as being the Portal to Hell. Ah well, hopefully next weekend, I'll get to enter the portal and finally be legal to drive again. At least they did tell me they're going to confiscate my license. That was nice of them. I guess communication has to start somewhere.

Happy Friday and have a great weekend.