Random Rants

I'm in the mood to randomly babble and rant today. I have no idea why. Well, actually I do. I just woke up, I don't feel like being a morning person today and I'm drinking the vile office coffee.

On the plus side, I did manage to get rather a lot of good Halloween chocolate, lollipops and candy at CVS yesterday at 75% off so I brought it into the office. I have learned that one of the cardinal rules of getting your coworkers to like you is to give them a copious amount of sugary items. These items are best when in the form of chocolate. However for those smart sucker-uppers like me, you have learned that there's always someone in the office on a diet. Thus, you bring in lollipops (about 1 weightwatcher point each) and Twizzlers- low in fat, high in sugar. I have learned that basic dieters (not the hardcore ones who are truly following a diet) will look at the fact that something has no fat, decide that's a good thing and eat it. I confess that I do this. In my world, when a food is low calorie/no calorie and low fat/no fat, it is good to eat it because it is healthy.

Yes, I am aware that this does not really mean something is healthy. Nor does it mean it's not having a negative impact on my digestive system. There are a lot of other things in food I should be worried about like fiber, transfats, sodium...all that. And, oh yeah, those carbohydrate things. The problem with that is my favourite foods are all high in carbs. I love bread. I love potatoes. I love pasta. So, I've found away around the carbs-are-not-good-for-me-obstacle: I just ignore them and rationalize why I can eat foods anyway. Bread has grains which are good for me. Potatoes are a vegetable and thus, by the Rule of "Because it's a vegetable, it's always healthy", they are good for me. Pasta...well, I usually try to put a tomato-y sauce on my pasta and so I invoke the rule of "Because it's a vegetable" again. By adding a vegetable to pasta, it automatically cancels out the badness of the carbohydrates.

And yes, Captain Monkeypants is fully aware that she is under a self-imposed spell of delusion. Captain Monkeypants is also attempting to be a professional writer and thus, delusion is a necessary survival tool to have in her armory.

I was planning on ranting about Twilight again and why the poster for the movie makes me cringe. So I'm going to. Now. Not to Movie Promoter People: Edward looks like he's about to fall asleep. Also, his eyes do not look like "liquid amber" as described so frequently in the books. They look like he might have had a few too many psychotropic drugs. Also, I know he's supposed to be pale but he's also supposed to pass for a human because otherwise, how could he have been going to school for, like, two hundred years or whatever? The poster makes him look like he's a zombie. It also makes me wonder what he's looking at down on the floor. Did he drop something? Did he spot a particularly juicy spider that he's thinking about eating since he's a 'vegetarian' vampire (only drinks the blood of animals so take that, PETA!)? And Bella...well, actually, she looks as boring as expected. I never could understand how such a drip could get someone like Edward but I suppose that's the point- ordinary girls can find extraordinary men to love them. It's been the premise of every successful romance from Cinderella to today's Chick Lit avalanche so, clearly, it's a formula that works.

Since not everyone has read Twilight, I'll stop now.

Also, the ladybugs are back. Not the same ones since I did end up committing genocide and leaving the poor little buggers (HA!) in my vacuum bag. No, their friends are here. I could hear the flapping of their wings when I woke up in the night. I tried to ignore the fear in me that they would decide to swarm in retailian for the fact that I'd murdered their friends. I was also afraid they'd enlist more jumping spiders to join in the fight. They didn't but the fear was there anyway and so I didn't sleep that well. I'm going to try NOT to vacuum this batch up. But I'm telling you, one indication that they're forming a Gathering and those things are gone.

At least it's Thursday. Thursdays are good. I'm a fan of Grey's Anatomy. Although, I just found out that ABC ordered the show to fire Dr. Hahn....well, actually the actress who plays doctor Hahn who was the lady from Silence of the Lambs who had to put the lotion on (It's way more effective when Buffalo Bill says that in the movie). It's something to do with the fact that the network doesn't like the storyline she's involved in because her character just came out and admitted she's gay. The storyline wasn't that compelling but it was actually pretty natural. It wasn't some ratings stunt but an organic progression of two women who started as friends and grew much closer. I suppose the show did go into a fair amount of detail about the sex between the women but it's on at 9 p.m. It's not like they showed it. I think the show has bigger things to worry about, honestly. I mean, Izzie is still on it. I can't stand Izzie. She's a self-righteous whiner who gets on my nerves.

I'm digressing. I already have a TV blog so I won't go into any more detail. If anyone's interested, it's http://captaintv.blogspot.com/. It's very TV heavy but I love TV so that explains that.

Anyway, that's my ranting for the day. I'm going to go to work now and attempt to put myself in a better mood. Maybe I should have some of the Twizzlers I'm bringing in. They're fat free! This means they're good for me.

Happy Thursday.

Ladybird, Ladybird, Fly Away Home

It's Monday again. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if we changed the week a little and reorganized all the days. I mean, what if we decided to go backwards and rename Monday to Friday? Would it still feel like a Monday morning or would it be better because it was Friday? I suppose it goes back to that eternal 'what's in a name' thing. I suppose we could rename all the days completely and have things like Daffodil or Chocolate. Then you could say, "I have a meeting at nine a.m. on Daffodil morning," or "let's have happy hour at 5 p.m. on Chocolate." It has a much nicer ring to it than Monday, doesn't it?

I realize I might have let you in a little too far into my psyche. You'll be thinking I'm weird. We can't have that now, can we?

Anyway, so the title of this blog has to do with ladybirds, ladybugs as they're known in these Midwestern parts. My problem is that they are everywhere at the moment. I live in an apartment building. I've had my windows open because it's been nice and warm lately but I have screens on the windows. I have a patio door but I always have the screen across it unless it's for the twenty seconds it takes for me to go through out onto my little balcony. So, really, there isn't any open spaces in which lady birds can get into my apartment.

Except they do. They're everywhere. Yesterday, I had a horrid little gathering of the creatures in the upper corner of my room. And by a gathering, I mean there were about fifteen of them, just huddled there. You know in those horror films in which a giant bug is the villain and there's always that evil little fluttering sound like a giant moth's wings beating together? Well, that's what it sounded like in my room. There were more of the little bugs, crawling on my ceiling, on their way to join The Gathering. I looked and there were more on my blinds. It was not pleasant.

Here's the thing. I appreciate ladybirds. I appreciate the fact they eat the nasty bugs that are bad for us. I appreciate the fact that they're cute little things and I especially appreciated them when Denis Leary does the voice of them like in A Bugs Life. They one of the nicer bugs that could invade my apartment.

Except they were having a swarm and I despise swarms. I can handle a few bugs together. Yet swarms....well, they disturb me. A lot. In my previous apartment, we had an ant infestation. I kept finding ants alone. I didn't like them but I was ok with that. Then I accidentally found their source and...well...it was nasty. There were thousands of them. I had a bit of a girly screaming fit. Thank goodness for my roommate who was brave enough to drown the creatures for me. It took me weeks before I wasn't constantly on the lookout for more ants, just in case it would lead to a swarm.

Ladybirds aren't as bad as ants because they're not so sly. They don't creep around in the dark spaces and then crawl on you when you're least expecting it. At least, I don't think so. I just don't like it when they get together. I'm a bit suspicious by nature and I like to know what's going on. I like to know what's in a box. I like to find out the source of that scary noise. I like to know what time guests are going to drop by. You get the idea. When there's a gathering inside my apartment, I'd like to know what it's about. So when the ladybirds are clustering suspiciously in my bedroom, I have to know why.

So I looked it up on the internet because it wasn't like the stupid bugs were going to tell me what they were doing. It turns out that infestations of ladybirds are very common in the Midwest during this time of year. Apparently, since it's winter, they are looking for a place to hibernate and so they invade homes. The strongest advice on the internet was to search and destroy.

I could have figured this out for myself, obviously. But I'm an internet junkie and I like to research. It's nice to know the truth, even if it's from Wikipedia.

At first, I wasn't sure if I could kill them. I mean, they don't mean any harm. Ok, so apparently they smell bad if they gather together. Apparently, they make a bit of a mess with that yellow goo they emit. But they fairly peaceful creatures.

And then I read that occasionally, they do swarm at people, especially when threatened. I took another look at The Gathering. It had become at least 20 ladybirds. I pictured them flying at me, landing on me all at once and that's when I decided they should probably go away. Also, I have some of those lamps that have a curved shade that points at the ceiling. I looked in there and discoved quite a few ladybirds had either gone there to die, committed suicide by throwing themselves on a hot lightbulb or been murdered by their own kind. Also, I had begun finding corpses around my apartment and I realize that they would never live in my place during the winter without succumbing to the dark shadow of Death.

So, I decided to aid them. I scooped up as many as I could. Not from The Gathering of course because that would have meant getting close to a lot of ladybirds all at once and I wasn't ready for that. But there were some stragglers and so I scooped them up and led them to the freedom of the outdoor air. The only vaguely alarming experience during this was that I got a bit avid in my scooping; I saw something crawling in my lamp and I came very close to scooping that up too. Fortunately, I hesitated and that's when I realized that it was a spider. It wasn't big and so I wasn't too alarmed but I also wasn't about to scoop it up. I've watched too many DEADLIEST SPIDER! episodes on Animal Planet or the Discovery Channel. So I looked that up. It turned out to be a jumping spider, common to Ohio. I was ok with that when I realized it wasn't venomous. At first. Then the word "jumping" registered and I pictured myself sleeping and having that little jumping fiend land on my head. So, he had to go too.

I hate killing spiders. My philosophy is that it's not their fault they scare us. They're just doing their thing, being a spider. It doesn't mean I'm about to keep them as pets and feed them though. So, I always attempt to let them go alive. Unfortunately, this involves scooping and putting them into a little container of some sort with a lid and WAY too many spiders have me their maker when I've been skittish enough to accidentally squish them in my rescue attempt.

Fortunately, Mr. Jumping Spider managed to get out alive. I scooped him up without squishing him and let him go on the patio below mine. I even watched to make sure I didn't kill him by dropping him a storey more than I had planned. He crawled away so I assume he's ok.

So, then it was time to tackle The Gathering. I used a very effective method called The Vacuum Cleaner Method. It involves plugging the vacuum in, putting the extender thingy on the hose, turning on the power and sucking away at cluster of bugs. They vanished into the dark passage of the vacuum cleaner. When I turned it off, there were a couple that had somehow managed to avoid being sucked into the Pit of the Vacuum Bag despite the tornado-like suction coming from the vacuum cleaner. They tried to crawl out of the hose. I turned the vacuum on and voila! No more bugs. I put a paper towel into the end of the pipe, per a very clever suggestion I'd read on the internet, just in case the creatures try to crawl out. I found some more stragglers but I'm now pleased to report that my apartment seems to be ladybird-free.

The only problem is that I feel a bit guilty about what I did. It's not their fault they're ladybirds. I just worried that they were gather together, rise up against me and swarm. So I had to stop them.

That's probably what Hitler said. I don't think I like comparing myself to Hitler. I think I may go home and change my vacuum cleaner bag tonight and give those creatures a chance to go free. Just in case.

Happy Monday.