Visions of Mounted Squirrel Heads...

You'll be happy to know I won't be blogging about pig heads today. Honestly, there are some blogs that I really can't explain. It's just what comes out when I type. I'm sure if I had a professional analyse my thoughts, I'd either be thrown in the loony bin or be determined criminally insane. Really, though, I'd like to think everyone has a peculiar way of thinking; I just happen to have a blog.

While I might not blog about pigs heads, I wouldn't mind blogging about squirrel heads. You see, I'm declaring war on Nutley v. 2.0. While I wasn't happy about him eating my tomatoes, I'd resolved myself to the fact that there wasn't much I could do about it in the immediate future except shoo him away if I saw him.

Last night, however, I went out to water my plants. I had recently planted a very small but cute rose in my garden that has been doing well. It has one tiny rose blooming on it and the second, and only other bud, was just opening.

Well, that is to say it was opening. Last night, I discovered that Nutley 2.0 had not only picked my rose but he'd strewn the petals over my garden. I can only blame him as I saw him boldly and brassily sitting in the exactly spot where I found the evidence just the night before as day became twilight and Nutley loomed large in the shadows of the setting sun. I'd like to think there was some more serene and pretty purpose in his scattering of rose petals but since they were chewed and regurgitated alongside the dregs of the rosebud, I don't think it's likely he was the groom in a squirrel wedding or anything like that.

I liked that rose. I was pleased because I'd rescued it from my mother's yard where it hadn't taken too well to the shade and soil where we'd originally planted it. Since I replanted it, it thrived.

I'm hoping it continues to thrive but short of a BB gun, I'm not sure how to solve the squirrel problem. A BB Gun would help and, I confess, I'm tempted. Perhaps a BB could even go astray as the neighbours' yappy dog came to torment me.

No, I'm not that mean. Besides, my mother was almost shot with a 'stray' 'BB' gun last year while she was minding her own business and weeding her garden. She was kneeling down and felt something zip by her ear. It hit the barn behind her. It scared her rather badly, as you can imagine. Shaken and scared, she told my dad who wisely called the police because it seemed that the neighbours were shooting in their yard across the street and a bullet had managed to find it's way across the road. Considering there's a good distance between my parents' house and the neighbours, it seemed a little unlikely that a little BB would have such a trajectory. The sherriff's department came and questioned the neighbours who said they had accidentally been shooting at squirrels and misfired. I don't buy that for a second, especially considering they're not the friendliest of people. The woman who lives there proceeds to wake me up whenever I'm staying overnight by screaming like a banshee at her dog or kid; I can't quite tell which one- the screaming generally sounds the same whether she's telling the dog to shut up or the kid to stop acting like a brat.

Still, whether it was a BB or a stronger bullet, I think my mother is a little more cautious. She didn't take my suggestion to wear a bulletproof vest and helmet seriously. However, I told her to stay low if she hears gunshots from across the way. I can just see her snaking on the ground, army style, to get from her flower garden to the house. Given that her miniature Yorkie is usually with her in the garden, he'd probably hamper her progress in staying low by licking her face and stifling her. So, all in all, it wouldn't be very successful or subtle. It might prevent her from getting shot by stray pellets, however.

Anyway, because of this, I'd feel bad for getting a BB gun and aiming at the squirrel. I have a lot of neighbours around. I might accidentally shoot one. Given my recent DMV Issues, I really don't need a assault with a non-deadly weapon on my record. Though, I'm happy to report, as of this morning, I'm legal to drive in the state of Indiana. Now, given that I live in Ohio, I better get things cleared up there. I see a trip to the portal to Hell in my near future. Is it bad that I'm actually happy about this?

Back to Nutley 2.0. I'm not sure what to do to him. He was shouting at me last night as I watered my yard. If you've never heard a squirrel shouting, it's a stream of hissing chattering. I recognize the sound because Nutley at USC used to talk to me sometimes. It sounds angry. I think he was annoyed that I was watering his buffet. Personally, I'd like to take Mr. Nutley 2.0 and show him who's boss but since I can neither scamper up a tree at the speed of light nor get low enough to the ground to nibble at a tomato from below, I think he has the edge. Also, he's quite big for a squirrel and can jump on me from above. Yes, I'm being held at bay by a 10 inch tall rodent. He's big for his size though. Really!

I'll have to find a way to repel him next year; I'm sure I can find solutions but given that fall is coming and Nutley 2.0 will go into hibernation, I can deal with him for now. Though I do wish he'd stop hiding his nuts under my newly transplanted plants.

And yes, I'm aware, that could be a euphemism. It is, however, meant to be read literally. I'm talking about hickory nuts and acorns. Get your mind out of the gutter.

If anyone has a squirrel deterrent, I'd gladly hear about it. I wish to defeat Nutley 2.0. I just don't know how. I will not concede defeat, however. I WILL NOT! Nutley 2.0 WILL be conquered, oh yes, he will.

On a far more serious note, I would be amiss if I didn't mention the death of Patrick Swayze. Being the daughter of a man who thinks Dirty Dancing is the best move ever and also adores Black Dog and Roadhouse, it doesn't seem right to not admit that it's a sad day. As a teen, there were many late night sleepovers with friends in which we'd stay up watching swaying to Dirty Dancing's, "I've had the Time of my Life," and miming along to the Mickey and Sylvia song. Yet when I think of "No one puts baby in the corner!" it's my dad that comes to mind. The amount of times he's sat there, remote poised, rewinding to that final dance number, a happy smile on his face, is ridiculous. He's a strange man, my father. But he does love his Dirty Dancing. Rest in peace, Mr. Swayze.

Who's going to rescue Baby from the corner now? :(

Happy Tuesday.

Hickory Nut Mystery...Solved!

Well, I think I finally solved the Mystery of the Hickory Nut.

As I suspected, I believe it is a very large grey squirrel.

The reason I suspect the squirrel is that for the last week, I have been finding half-eaten tomatoes scattered across my lawn. I am not happy about this; my tomatoes have taken forever to ripen this year anyway so over the past two weeks, I've slowly been plucking ripe tomatoes off the plant. Thus, when I find half-chewed tomato remnants taunting me on my lawn, I find it slightly irritating.

I also have a larger tomato plant that the nice old lady who lived in my house left me. It has nice, big, green tomatoes on it. Every time I go outside to check to see how they're doing, whether they're ripening, I find a new one with bite marks on it. Thus, I have to throw it away.

I used to like squirrels. When I worked at USC, I had a pet squirrel named Nutley. He would come and eat lunch with me. Actually, he would stalk me as I ate and then, finally, launch himself so that he actually landed on my backpack in which my lunch was stored. The first couple of times, it sort of...um....scared the crap out of me. I finally accepted it; Nutley would seem to wait for me. I finally learned that the only way to stop him actually trying to crawl in my backpack was to appease him with food. He rather enjoyed grapes and cheese puffs best but he didn't say no to cherries either. He just didn't like carrots which was too bad as I always had carrots.

I know; I was really just encouraging him by feeding him but there were a couple of days when he'd be on the ledge behind my head and he attempted to reach over my shoulder to eat my food. Though I appreciated his courage and gutsiness, I also didn't want the fuzzy rodent to actually get that close to me. I may have thought he was cute but I also know that squirrels are a little...uh...germy. So if it meant sacrificing a couple of grapes or cheese puffs in order to stop him divebombing my head, then I could live with that.

Of course, I don't actually know if it was the same Nutley every day. There were a lot of over-tamed squirrels on campus and they all had the same cockiness to them. I just took to calling every squirrel Nutley. It was easier.

To be honest, I'm not sure if I really liked Nutley or I just was afraid of his tendency to lurch at my sandwich. I think I mostly just tolerated him. I wouldn't, say, want to take him home as a pet or anything.

Of course, now I have my own pet squirrel. I caught him in the act on Monday. I looked out my bedroom window and I see something by my tomato plant. There, in broad daylight, was the thieving, chewing squirrel who doesn't even have the courtesy to eat the entire tomato but, instead, leaves partially eaten, fully ripe ones that would have been nice in a salad.

He was bigger than Nutley. I now think him fully capable of carrying a hickory nut. I'm planning on watching him. I've seen him before but it was always in my neighbour's yard, boldly running around the yard even though at any moment, those yappy dogs could come bounding out and chasing him.

Speaking of those yappy dogs, I was outside grilling last night. I'd like to acknowledge that it was the first time I'd ever grilled on my own grill at that house. Sure enough, a few moments after I had gone out to lay my food on the grill, out come the neighbour's dogs followed by by neighbour. He actually said, "You shouldn't be out here!"

I think he said that because it was raining. It had only started to rain after I'd planned to grill and had turned it on. I wasn't about to change my plans. Also, I love rain and see no problem in grilling in the rain.

However, the way it came out was as though I wasn't supposed to be in my own yard because it meant he had to control his dogs. It's getting to the point where I'm starting to be a little rude and I completely ignore him if I'm trying to do stuff outside. Yes, I appreciate his Dog Whisperer attempts to get his rat terrier to stop barking but it is my house, my yard and I go out there to relax. I do not want to have to make awkward conversation every time I go out there. Rant over. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

I digress. Back to the squirrel. I don't quite know how to save my few remaining tomatoes from the jaws of The Squirrel. I'm wondering if the hickory nuts are, perhaps, a barter. Maybe he thinks if he gives me hickory nuts, it's ok for him to snack on my tomatoes. Of course, he does take them back the next day so maybe it's just a loan.

Nevertheless, I am rather relieved that it's just an ornery squirrel and not some crazed lumberjack whose leaving me the hickory nuts as a sign that I'm next on his list to be axed. Of course, maybe a crazed lumberjack wouldn't eat my tomatoes. Maybe he could also take care of those yappy dogs.

I think I'll stick with the squirrel.

Happy Wednesday.