A "Five Things" Kind of Day....

I think I'm in a bad mood today. I can blame it on the fact that I'm tired or I can blame it on the fact that lately, things just haven't been going the way I planned. I suppose I should be glad that life isn't predictable but, at the same time, it's nice when I know I'm going to have a good day or at least have good things happening.

Part of it is work. No matter what I do, I seem to be treading water here. I tried talking to my boss to tell him I wanted more responsibility and he greeted that idea positively. Yet, all of the projects seem to be falling to my co 'team member' who has been here much longer than me and likes to have job security so she never says no.

I like job security too but given that I currently have maybe two projects to do, neither of which could make or break my company, I'm beginning to wonder what's going on. I keep getting told there's a learning curve here and that after a year, I'll be given more work. I thought this was nice at first. Now I realize it's just a little....silly. I'm perfectly capable of handling a heavy workload. I have skills to offer. I'm willing. So...why wait? I mean, ok, so it's their payroll but if you have an employee that has asked for more work, does it really make sense from a business viewpoint to keep that employee with a light workload? It's nice...sure but....it's a for-profit business too. It's just not making much sense to me.

I've realized that being happy in a job affects my life a lot. I don't want it to. I want to go home and put the workday behind me but I've never been able to do that. Instead, I dwell. I hate that I dwell.

If I was writing at the moment, I'd be better. I could convince myself that my true passion is writing and my day job doesn't matter. I'm not writing though. I'm trying but I have to climb out of a very large hole that Amazon.Com, Publishers Weekly and my own self-doubt dug for me. I shouldn't have to but the hole is there and whenever I think I'm ready to clambour out, I look over at my shelf of unpublished manuscripts, the slew of rejection emails I have and just sit back down in that hole. It's quiet there. Quiet and dark and there's no pressure.

I can't sit in that hole forever though. I have to write something again soon. Something with a beginning, a middle and an end. It's not a lofty goal. At least, it didn't use to be.

Sorry I'm a bit of a misery-guts today, as my mother would say. I'm just feeling a lot of inner turmoil and stress. With my parents away, my friends constantly busy and my siblings all occupied with their own lives, the only outlet I have at the moment is in the form of a long, brown dachshund who is good company but doesn't provide much comfort unless I'm holding something edible in my hand. I keep hoping he'll have one of those "Marley and Me" moments where he'll sense I'm having a cruddy day and just sit with me but Sausage is...a little dense. He doesn't get it.

Yet I'm starting to enjoy having him around. He's starting to get used to being around too, I think. I only have two days left with him before I can take him back to his real home. I will miss having him around for the company though leaving home alone in his crate is hard. I hate doing that to him but it's for both of our own goods. My torn carpet is evidence of that.

On days like this I have a little tradition. I remind myself that my life is pretty good compared to most and to prove it, I make myself name five things that I love in my life or for which I am grateful, not including family because that's just a given. Today's top five are: The fact that I'm able to buy a new house, 2) That I'm getting to experience springtime in the Midwest. 3) That I do have a passion for writing even when I'm in a dull spot. 4) My nice Roxy flip-flops that my friend gave me for Christmas because they're comfy and don't make that flip-flop sound. 5) For "Iron Chef America" and "True Blood" for giving me something to enjoy watching during the slow summer TV months.

I forgot to mention that I allow myself to be random in my 'five things'. I could probably come up with a hundred more but those are today's. They remind me that life is never as dark as it seems and that there's always bright spots that make it just that little cheerier, even in the form of flip-flops.

Happy Thursday.

Random Musings on a Friday

I've said it before and I'm saying it again: I'm glad it's Friday. As I said yesterday, the week has gone quickly but I'm so very ready for a weekend.

I still don't seem to be able to sleep. I'm not sure why. I wake up every night at approximately 2:38 a.m. and cannot get back to sleep. I think I might have read Stephen King's Insomnia one too many times because I thought about looking out the window to see if there were men creeping around with scissors outside. If you haven't read the book, you probably won't get that but it actually is a very good book, one of my favourite Stephen King novels, as a matter of fact.

It's been an odd week. I've been trying to wean myself away from the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award message boards. There's an issue that is infuriating me and I'm trying to distance myself from it. I won't go into details other than to say that I hope next year, I hope Amazon implements a rule that if you make the top three finalists in the entire competion, you should not be allowed to enter the same novel again, no matter how much it's been edited. That is all I will say on the subject since I am fortunate and blessed enough to have been selected as a quarterfinalist and, having read some of my competition, I know that I would be extremely lucky to move onto the next round. There are way too many good writers out there. It's a good thing as a reader but as a writer, it's a tad intimidating.

As for the rest of the week being odd, I've newly discovered one slight disadvantage in moving back to the midwest: Allergies. I never had hayfever as a child and in the years before I left Indiana for Los Angeles, I had the sniffles a lot during the summer and would occasionally sneeze a lot if I spent too much time outside or around flowers. It was nothing that some Claritin wouldn't fix. During my years in L.A., the same thing happened, sniffles, sneezes but nothing too severe. Now I'm back, I've discovered that as much as I love springtime, it's not loving me too much. My sinuses seem to disagree with tree pollen and the Claritin isn't doing as well as usual. I'm hoping it's temporary and that as Spring progresses, my allergies will subside. Probably wishful thinking but I'm not going to let it interfere with my enjoyment of the flowers and trees. Now that it's not likely to snow much, I have to find something to wax poetical about, don't I?

Then there's my new neighbour who lives above me. She's very nice. She also happens to be the CEO of our new company. I have to confess...it's a little intimidating. Now I have to think about what I'm doing because we have thin walls and ceilings. Not that I'm doing anything incriminating but I do have rather a tendency to talk to myself and my characters. Occasionally, I forget that my windows are open or that I'm standing on the balcony outside. I also occasionally do have a one-person-flailing-dance party in which I burn off excess energy by having a dance. That's fun. I usually end up losing my balance. Inevitably, it involves thuds.

I probably don't really need to worry about it. It's just one of those factors I have to take into consideration. When you have anonymous neighbours, it's easier to not worry. When you actually know a neighbour, it's a little different. I don't even see her that often, only when she's walking her dog.

Speaking of walking (and in the most random transition manner), I saw a girl walking today in flip-flops. Now, I love flip-flops. They're comfy...in the summer. It was 36 degrees outside this morning, my car said so. I couldn't help but wonder what on earth made her think flip-flops were a practical foot choice. If she were dressed to match, I suppose vanity would have played a part but she sort of looked like she had bundled up to stay warm which is why I'm baffled by her choice of footware. However, I digress....

...I seem to digress a lot, particularly on Fridays. Thus, I apologize for being somewhat random today. As always, I thank you for staying with me and reading my blog.

Have a great weekend.