Black Friday, Thanksgiving and No Complaining Allowed!

I'm actually writing an early blog today rather than wait until tomorrow morning. This is because tomorrow is the Big Day at work in which we leave our cosy, familiar office building and move into our more "professional" corporate style offices. From all reports of the new office space, our particular division of the company has now been given new cubicles rather than the nice offices that the rest of the company has. In addition, our cubicles are designed so that our monitors face outwards rather than give us any privacy. As previously mentioned, I, for one, am slightly jumpy. Also, while I try not to abuse the freedom I've had at work to surf the internet, there are times when the mind-numbing dullness of my job drives me to escape to the world of Facebook once in a while. Thus, I'm slightly concerned that I may end up going a little crazy because I have absolutely no freedom.

However, we are all assured that our new offices are absolutely spectacular. Also, if we complain, we'll get fired.

Sadly, this is not an exaggeration. I believe the exact words were, "if you complain, consider it your last day at [insert company name here]."

Now, while I am not an ungrateful brat, I do understand that great expense and time was spent on our office and I'm sure it's splendid. I'm sure it's the best office that ever existed.

I just have to admit, I don't particularly care for the fact that we are, essentially, being threatened if we dare use that dastardly right to freedom of speech and express even the slightest negativity.

Of course, I would never do such a thing. Ever. Since my boss made a slight reference to the fact that he knew I had a blog, I'm wondering if that whole complaining thing applies here. If so...I'm doomed. Doomed, I say.

Unless, of course, I do what I'm doing now and write when I'm NOT in the office and thus can complain as much as I like.

As you can see, I'm already feeling a little negative towards the whole situation. I simply don't like being threatened. Also, I like to have a little freedom while I work instead of feeling like I'm being carefully monitored.

Still, I'm lucky enough to have had an entire week away from the office due to the fact that were were moving and, also, there was that lovely Thanksgiving holiday.

I enjoyed my holiday immensely. Even the actual Thanksgiving dinner turned out rather well thanks to some rather absurdly organized scheduling. I believe I can officially say that I watch too much Food Network. By the end of Thanksgiving Eve, I had managed to plot out the time table for prepping the food, cooking the food and plating the food.

My mother and I cooked the meal. All together, it took about five hours of prepping, roasting, sauteeing and roasting. It took approximately 20 minutes for the family to eat it.

I suppose that's the point. It's just that when you are actually the one who helps cook it, it's a little painful to watch those stuffing balls that took quite a long time to prepare, cook, cool, shape and roast disappear quite so quickly. It's also just a wee bit painful because you just want to hold onto the food for a while and admire the fact that it all got cooked with only one teensy little incident with roasted root vegetables and an electric skillet and one minor over-boiling of the mashed potatoes.

Still, it was a good holiday and any excuse to make roast turkey is ok by me.

Of course, cooking Thanksgiving dinner for 14 people is nothing compared to the chaos of the day that follows it.

Yes, once again, my sister and I were among the insane folk who were waiting at Walmart at 4:30 a.m. for Black Friday to begin.

Once again, I got to witness the chaos of a segment of the population who were going to get that 32 inch big screen LCD TV for $249.

Fortunately, neither my sister or I did not need a TV. We focused on the smaller items. Unfortunately, some of them were in the same aisle as the TV so there were so near misses with crazy people. Let me just say that being hit in the thigh with a shopping cart hurts a bit. Nevertheless, by 5:30 a.m. we were on our way to our next stop.

In the end, we spent 13 hours shopping. We saw humanity at its finest and most bizarre. For the record, if there is no parking spot in parking lot that's within reasonable walking distance, it is NOT ok to park on the sidewalk outside a store. Also, it is not smart to just abandon your mini-van wherever you want to because, chances are, there's a reason no one else was parked there.

Nevertheless, I have to confess, I love Black Friday. I love the chaos of Walmart at 5 a.m. and I love being done with shopping around noon. I also love having the freedom to continue shopping for a few hours after lunch, even though you've already been at it a very long time.

It was a good weekend. Not only did I get to spend time with my family but I got to catch up with friends and see "New Moon."

Yes. I confess. I willingly saw "New Moon." Regular readers know how I feel about the Twilight saga. I think it's asinine and dumb. I think Bella Swan needs to be tied up and yelled at for being such a pathetic role model for women. Also, I think any man named Edward is never going to be particularly masculine and tough no matter how much he sparkles in the sunshine. So why did I see the movie? Well, for all the reasons above. I have decided to embrace the fact that the movies are terrible. I am fortunate enough to have a friend with whom I can see the movies who understands why, sometimes, it's good to see a movie purely because it's going to be so silly, it's delicious. Thus, rather than write tomes regarding the creepiness of a shapeshifter (formerly known as a werewolf) who falls for an infant and the ickiness of a vampire who chews through his wife's placenta to deliver said infant, I'm just going to embrace the daftness. Also, sometimes, you just need to mock and "New Moon" was perfect for this. I don't quite think the Twi-hards in the theatre appreciate my friend's and my own snickers at the melodramatic dialogue and need for Kristin Stewart once again to play second fiddle to her hair but I, personally, had a great time. Isn't that really the point of movies?

Anyway, now it's Sunday night. Tomorrow morning begins a new era at work. It may mean I will have to be a good little Monkeypants and not blog quite so much from work. However, I will continue to blog regularly because I have to have an outlet of some kind. Also, because it's fun. Also, because I'm not permitted to speak my mind at work. Not that I think there'd be any reason to complain because it's perfectly natural for a company president to send a warning email like that...right?

Of course, the way my mind works, it's kind of like having someone who looks a little unusual and being told NOT to stare...the first thing you want to do is stare. Or being told that it's a serious occasion and you are NOT to laugh...yes....I'm the one that's trying to stifle giggles because the mere act of not being allowed to laugh suddenly seems funny. Not being allowed to complain means...I might be in trouble.

Oh dear.

Happy Monday and thanks, as always, for reading.

Sometimes, You Just Need a Good Rant...

Today is one of those days in which I'm feeling rather fierce. I don't quite know why other than there are some days where I just wake up feeling that way. It's the type of day where I don't let any other driver on the road get away with behaving badly. If they cut me off, I will yell at them. If they get on my tail, I will slow down.

It's also the kind of day where I just feel slightly cantankerous about things, stupid little things that irk me but inspire a rant because they simply exist and I don't like them. So, today, rather than try to be sunshiney and positive, I decided to spend today's blog having a little rant about the insignificant things that annoy me. Since I don't want to write a novel, I'll try to limit the list. However, I did come up with quite a few things in the short time I thought about it.

Item #1: Turtleneck sweaters.

I despise turtlenecks. I hate wearing them and I don't like seeing them worn. The only time I find them acceptable is on those winter Olympic athletes who need them because otherwise they'll freeze. I hate the way they cling around people's necks, making them look like they're being smothered by their own clothing. It's like the turtleneck has a life of its own and it's trying to slowly eat their head. It probably has something to do with the fact that I, personally, hate anything tighter than a loose scarf around my own neck because I hate feeling constricted. Therefore, when I see someone's head being slowly devoured by their turtleneck sweater, I have the urge to take a pair of scissors and set them free. Fortunately, I have some common sense and even when I'm in my most advanced stage of turtleneck loathing, I have the sense of mind to know that if you move towards someone while holding a pair of scissors and looking slightly maniacal, that's not good.

Item #2: Nicholas Cage

Nicolas Cage irritates me. Nicholas Cage irritates me a lot. First of alll, he only has two roles that he plays. His first role is: "Look at my enormous saucer eyes! I'm emoting. I'm Mr. Compassionate. I'm sad. Look how sad I am because my eyes look like a basset hound's after it's peed on the floor and feels guilty. " (examples of this: "Leaving Las Vegas," "City of Angels", "The Weatherman" and any other romantic movies he has made.). His second role is "I'm Mr. CRAZY! LOOK AT MY CRAZY EYES! I'm cool! I'm edgy! I'm going to go find the Declaration of Independence because I'm CRAZY! I'm going to save the day in my Con Air plane! I'm going to be all goofy and be Gone in 60 Seconds because I'm crazy, man, I'm CRAZY!" So, yes, Nicolas Cage bothers me a lot. The other reason I don't like him is because he sounds like he's chewing his cheeks when he talks, rather like a hamster. I suppose when I think about it, he does sort of resemble that hamster, Rhino, from "Bolt". See evidence above.

Item #3: People who already have their Christmas decorations up

People, it's NOVEMBER 3rd. Christmas in December 25th. I understand that the holidays are a fun time and you want to celebrate them as long as possible but it's NOVEMBER 3rd. Halloween was TWO DAYS AGO. It is NOT acceptable to take down your giant inflatable spider and giant inflatable orange pumpkin that was usually flat anyway and replace it with a giant inflatable Santa Claus and a row of candy canes. Seriously, I saw that someone on my street had done that this morning. I love Christmas. I love everything about it, the smells, sights, shopping and chaos. Yet, it isn't even Thanksgiving! If you have to put something giant and inflatable up in your yard, put up a giant turkey! They sell them! I've seen them! Just because the stores are selling Christmas/holiday stuff does NOT mean you have to give in to the power of manipulative commercialism. Be strong! Resist!

Item #4: The Trailer for "The Twilight Saga: New Moon"

Oh, you knew this was coming. I saw the preview last week. All I can say is "GAHHHH!" Are we REALLY teaching our teenage girls that it's perfectly acceptable to go crazy when you break up with your boyfriend and turn into a thrill seeker who rides motorbikes, jumps off cliffs and essentially tries to kill herself? Also, what the heck is up with that Taylor Lautner kid who is playing Jacob? He looks like he's grimacing all the time. I don't care how much he works out, he still looks like he's twelve. Jacob the former werewolf who became a shapeshifter because Stephanie Meyer either a)couldn't make up her mind or b)read some of Charlaine Harris' books, is supposed to be a strapping, sizzling seventeen year old. Taylor Lautner looks like the Disney Channel version. Also, that's a bad wig. Actually, all the wigs in the movie are bad except Robert Pattinson because he's not wearing a wig, it's his real hair that looks bad. Finally, the preview is very DRAMATIC! Bella almost dies but Jacob saves her. Edward thinks he's dead so tries to get permission to kill himself. He almost wanders naked into public but Bella SAVES him. Hurrah! Then they get to go meet with a council of vampires who all look like they'd rather be in an Anne Rice novel. Sorry Dakota Fanning but red contacts and a pout does not make you that scary. You're still Dakota Fanning.

Item #5: Tootsie Rolls

We've discussed this. They are NOT chocolate. They might have cocoa in them but they are NOT chocolate. Chocolate melts in your mouth. It does not require chewing. When I crave chocolate, I'm not about to reach for a Tootsie Roll. It is not the same thing. Enough said.

Item # 6: The ABC Television Network

Ok, ABC, what are you THINKING? You remake V, the beloved mini-series from the '80's and then you decide to SPLIT UP THE AIRING BY FOUR MONTHS! You can read my review of the first episode of V on my TV blog because I saw it at Comic-Con. It had flaws but it was entertaining. I know a lot of people wanted to see it because they remember the original. Also, ABC has been promoting the crap out of the show. I salute their brilliance in using Muse's "Uprising" as the background music because it's perfect. However, if you're going to drive people potty by showing them the preview over and over then perhaps you should rethink your airing strategy. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, ABC is going to let you watch four episodes now! Then they...make you wait for the rest. UNTIL MARCH! Now, they say it's because they want to make it 'event viewing'. Also, the Winter Olympics would get in the way anyway. So, here's my question. Why not air the show when there are NO Olympics? Also, what kind of an event is that? Do you really think that people would go to an event and then be willing to wait four months for the conclusion? It's like going to a concert, seeing the opening band and then waiting FOUR MONTHS for the next band. That's just silly!

Ok, I promise I'm done for now. I apologize if I've offended anyone. Please bear in mind that Captain Monkeypants was just in the mood to rant and did not intend her opinions to be hurtful, rude or mean. Except perhaps the Twilight ones because irritating Twi-hards and their mothers is actually sort of entertaining. No offense to my friends who like "Twilight." I still think you're insane but I love you anyway. And, um, I'm sorry if I was mean when I compared Nicolas Cage to a hamster. It doesn't mean I take it back but it was a little cruel, I suppose.

Sometimes it helps to just let it out. Thanks for sticking with me.

Happy Tuesday

Friends Don't Let Friends Read "Breaking Dawn"

So in my introductory blog, I mentioned that I will rant and rave and that I plan on doing it a lot. I think it only fair to begin with ranting about one of the worst books I've ever read in my entire life (and thus most likely spurn the wrath and argument of those that refuse to see the book in its true, non-sparkly light).

That books is Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyer, a writer who I absolutely guarantee will probably get more than one blog entry here. Mostly likely, Breaking Dawn will get more than one entry here. I can't help myself. It's too easy.

Let me explain. I started reading the "Twilight" series on the recommendation of a friend who has rather good taste in fiction. Being an (early) thirty-something, I was intrigued at first. Granted, I could see the Anne Rice-isms. I could see that it wasn't exactly Pulitzer Prize quality writing but I was entertained. Though I'm jaded and burned from the men of my past, I could see the draw of Twilight. Who didn't want their own gothic hero when they were sixteen? What girl wasn't Bella Swann, awkward, clumsy and completely unsure of herself when she was sixteen? Though I couldn't get passed the fact that Bella was huge drip with no real personality, I kept reading because I still understood the draw. Then I got to Eclipse and realized that Bella was pathetic and even if I'd been sixteen when I'd read these books, I would still have thought so. She wanted to kill herself because her guy had left. Her life was over. Don't get me wrong... I got her despair, I got her depression. Stephanie Meyer did that part well- I competely understood how Bella felt, not knowing why life had any meaning, not knowing why she should respond to the continuing life around her. It sucks when that happens...but it does. But I HATE that it happened to Bella because of a boy. I hate that, at the age of sixteen, maybe seventeen, this girl felt that she couldn't live without the love of a perfect man.

I kept going. New Moon was silly. It made me laugh and not for the right reasons. Truth is, I can't actually remember what happened though I know it involved Edward, Jacob (Bella's alternate love) and some vampire daftness. It was mostly Bella wanting to give up her life to become a vampire and be with her Edward forever- romantic but kind of dumb when you examine her life in detail (Cliff Note version: Her life wasn't bad. She had too parents who loved her, human boys who (for undefined reasons) were crazy about her and the hope of an educated future).

Then came Breaking Dawn. And it was bad. No...it was horrendous. It was the indulgent whim of a writer whose agent and publishing company who forgot that a book was for the readers and, instead, saw dollar signs instead of the words. This post is getting long- WAY longer than planned- which means I'll have to continue later. However, here's the truncated version of Breaking Dawn.

• Bella marries Edward. It's perfect.
• They go to a perfect island that is on loan from Edwards 'mother', Esme. It's perfect .
• Bella is still human yet she is so beguiling, she talks Edward into jumping her bones. They have sex and though it is supposed to be amazing, perfect and incredible, it is described with all the detail of a Victorian schoolmistress.
• She gets pregnant despite the fact that vampires supposedly can't procreate. Edward is afraid and wants to get rid of the baby.
• Bella decides not to discuss this with her husband and, instead, enlists the aid of Edward's 'sister' who, up until this book, has done little but glower at Bella and resent her for being human.
• The narration suddenly switches to that of a previously secondary character- Jacob- even though, for the first three books, Jacob has been in the shadows. Jacob hates Edward. A lot. He says so. A lot. He loves Bella. He says that a lot too.
• Bella is perfect during pregnancy even though she suffers greatly. She suffers silently because that is what Bella does. Her unborn child is too strong for her and almost kills her
• The birth of the child begins with Bella spewing a fountain of blood and thus setting up a grisly scene. The child is fighting her way out. Bella is a weak human. She is dying from the birth but, fortunately, Edward is nearby and eats through Bella's uterus with his teeth to save the child (and yes, you read that correctly). How romantic, eh?
• Bella MUST become a vampire or she'll die because, uh, the love of her life ate her uterus with his teeth and she's dying. This perfectly eliminates all those pesky "I can't turn you into a vampire because I'll be killing you!" doubts that Edward had until this moment. It's all rather convenient and noble of him to save her life by turning her into a vampire.
• When she becomes a vampire, Bella suffers in a very noble silence while she feels as though she's burning to death. She's in great pain but our heroine doesn't want to be a bother and so she just lets herself suffer quietly. After a few days, she's fine and ready to be a vampire.
• Bella becomes absolutely beautiful upon her vampire transformation. This makes up for the fact that she has a half-vampire daughter and her husband ate her uterus. Also, she's a near-perfect "newborn", strong, fast and yet doesn't crave human blood much despite the fact that even the strongest member of the Cullen family had a few years of bloodlust in which he couldn't be around humans. Bella doesn't need no stinking human blood.
• Bella's husband gives her a perfect cottage in the woods for the happy vampire/half-vampire family to live. The cottage belonged to Esme, the giver of all places perfect. (see: Isle Esme)
• The family live happily ever after because Bella singlehandedly takes on the evil vampires that threaten her family/friends and destroys them. Because she's perfect. And strong.
• Oh, and despite the fact that history has no recollection of any vampire/human pairings, there are, apaprently, quite a few half-vampires living in rainforests and quite happily not killing humans. They just didn't reveal themselves until now. They pick the perfect time.
• Oh, and uh, yeah- so not only does Bella and Edward's child have one of the worst names in the histories of fiction- Renesmee- but, uh, yeah, her 'uncle' Jacob, seventeen years older, is karmically intended to be the love of her life and mate with her forever. Tell me THAT doesn't have creepy "uncle Ernie" overtones.

That's it, in a nutshell. I'll write more later. I haven't even covered the major plot issues I have with Bella's father and his reaction to her becoming a vampire. Oh, and yes, the (over)use of the word "perfect" in my breakdown is intentional.

Breaking Dawn exhausts me. It's a wonderful exercise for us non-published writers in what NOT to do when you get the chance. Then again, it's probably a good exercise in what NOT to do, even if you are a published writer. But here's a tip- if you're gonna try to be romantic, having your beautiful hero tear his wife's uterus with his teeth is not, um, exactly endearing. It's actually rather disgusting and putrid. For the record, pedophilia is also gross, no matter how quickly your child grows up. I don't completely blame Ms. Meyer- I actually blame her publisher and agent just as much. This is a book that should have remained in a drawer for a year, or at least for long enough for Stephanie Meyer to reread the first three books in the series that she'd written, long enough for her to remember the personalities of the characters. Because, in all honesty, Breaking Dawn, in the opinion of Captain Monkeypants, is a disaster. It is a self-indulgent, piece-of-crap effort that wants money but cares little for the truism of the characters. Shame on you, Stephanie Meyer- listen to your characters, let THEM tell their story, don't try to give them the perfect little ending that YOU believe is right. You started their story, you should have let them end it.

But I'm tired...I'll elaborate on that later.