The Limit of Zombies and Other Musings...

Today, it is Tuesday. This is significant because it means it is NOT Monday. Also, Tuesdays are always much kinder than Mondays.

My Tuesday began with a dream about zombies. It was a rather alarming dream in which I discovered that not only was there a zombie apocalypse out there but, also, I had been volunteered to join the fighters who were going to take them on. This lead to a rather alarming reunion with virtually every human being who’s played a role in my life that turned into a dance party. This, of course, was penetrated by the zombies and when I escaped to safety with all of the people I knew, it turned out we were actually already dead and we were to walk into the light together.

I blame this dream on a) my catching up on AMC’s “The Walking Dead” TV show. It has sat on my DVR for months. I’m finally watching it. It’s true zombie glory. If you like zombies. I do. I also blame it on b) the TV show “Lost” because at the end of “Lost”, the cast finds out they’re all dead and walks into the light.

I probably should have done the courteous ***SPOILER ALERT*** on the above paragraph just in case you haven’t seen “Lost” in its entirety yet and I’ve just ruined it. Yet, mean as it sounds, if you haven’t and still don’t want to be spoiled almost a YEAR after it aired, that’s not my problem. Also, it’s nothing that won’t have been spoiled by every entertainment magazine/website/blog out there.

Besides, I was talking about my dream which was an amalgamation of two TV shows as well as my own bizarrely twisted imagination. If you throw in the fact that the character of Bailey from “Grey’s Anatomy” was also in my dream and she joined us in the afterworld because she was killed by zombies while performing surgery, it’s an amalgamation of THREE TV shows. This goes to show a few things- a) How impressed you are that I used the word amalgamation without having to reach for a thesaurus to do so, (Ok, fine, I thought not), b) I let TV seep a little too much into my subconscious and c) even when you’re dreaming, thinking you and everyone you love is dead is a little scary.

By the way, I refuse to acknowledge that perhaps it also means I watch too much TV. I’d like to think I have a nice healthy balance of TV shows. On a week with no reruns, it’s probably six hours a week. Maybe seven if I watch the “Graham Norton Show” on BBC America on a Saturday evening. Given that each show has adverts and runs at approximately 42 minutes per show, even with Graham Norton, this means I really only watch 4.9 hours of TV. Really, in the grand scheme of things, that isn’t really very much when you consider how much I could be watching. Yes, I’m defensive. Also, I love TV, so there.

One more thing, Food Network doesn’t count as TV time. Now, if Bobby Flay had been one of the zombies in my dream or Mario Batali had his brain eating by a pack of zombies then you might argue that my TV time should be curtailed a little.

I digress. The fact is, I dreamed I was dead this morning. Being dead in a dream is fascinating because one part of you knows it’s a dream and the other is slightly freaked out when you wake up that you might actually be dead. Even when you awaken to the weight of a small dachshund sitting on your head and waiting to start licking your nose as soon as your eyes open, there’s still a slight moment of disorientation as to whether you’re still in the dream or not and are, in fact, still dead in the dream.

I’m glad I wasn’t really dead. Also, I’m glad that all my friends/family/acquaintances who moved on into the light with me in my dream are also not dead. That would be weird. Also, it would mean I was on a first name basis with Bailey from “Grey’s Anatomy” and considering she’s a fictional character, that would be rather peculiar and unrealistic.

Then there are the zombies. I’ve had a lot of dreams about zombies lately. This is actually what triggered me to actually watch “The Walking Dead” because I had a dream about zombies.

I like zombies. I like “The Walking Dead”. I think, however, it’s time to move onto another horror-creature that’s a little…less limited.

The thing with zombies is they really don’t do much but lurch and shuffle, look disgusting and eat brains, flesh or body parts. Sometimes, they grunt “BRAINS” a lot. Sometimes, they’re created by a virus. Sometimes they’re created by a supernatural occurrence. Sometimes, they’re just…created with no explanation given. Yet, really, there’s not much you can do with a zombie. They try to kill the non-zombie-still-humans. The non-zombie-still-humans form little groups to try to destroy the zombies. Yet, ultimately, when the world has experienced a zombie apocalypse, what’s the end result going to be, really? It’s the population of the world as zombies against a rag-tag bunch of survivors. Procreation can only do so much.

At least with werewolves and vampires, there’s still a human tie. They can think and feel and thus, have personalities. Granted, this is not always the case (see: Twilight) but the potential is there. Not so much with a zombie. If a zombie did have a personality, he probably wouldn’t be a zombie, would he? Because if zombies become reasoning, thinking things that live in a somewhat civilized manner, we’d call them a vampire. We already have a genre for that.

You might wonder why I’ve just spent 15 minutes randomly musing about dreams and zombies. The fact is…I have absolutely no idea. It’s Fat/Shrove Tuesday today (aka: Mardi Gras); I probably should have written about that or something else more meaningful.

Still, for today, you get one of my more random blogs. Feel free to chime in on your own thoughts about zombies. I’m happy to entertain the possibility that I’m wrong and they’re not nearly as limited as I think.

Besides, it might even mean another dream about zombies which you’ll get to hear about. Aren’t you lucky?

Thanks, as always for reading!

Happy Fat/Shrove Tuesday, happy Mardi Gras and watch out for those zombies (although it might be hard if you’re going to a true Mardi Gras celebration!)

Remake Rant: Taking Offense to "Skins" (But Not for the Reasons You'd Think)

Well, today was definitely not a Monday. It was one of those days where you’re so busy that you don’t have time to stop and realize that you were busy. You just happen to look up at the clock and suddenly, it’s almost five.

Days like this are nice and much more preferable to Mondays.

I just feel bad. After all, it’s not really Monday’s fault that it’s a Monday. There are some good things about Mondays. Well, sort of good things. After all, when they’re done, it’s a nice feeling that you’ve got one work day under your belt and there’s only four to go. I’d say that it’s a good night for TV but, alas, since “24” has been cancelled, there’s really not much to watch. I do watch “Gossip Girl” because, well, it’s trashy fun and after a hard day at work on Monday, it’s nice to turn your brain off and watch over-privileged teens try to out-scheme one another.

Last week on Monday, I gave that new MTV series, “Skins” a try. I’m a big fan of the original version that was made over in the UK. For those of you that have never heard of it, it’s an ensemble show about a group of teens in their last year of school in a UK town. There’s drugs, sex, violence and a lot of other things that parents pretend teens don’t do/know about. It’s pretty compelling because each episode is from the viewpoint of a different member of the ensemble and while the story moves forward, you feel like you’re actually part of the group because you know everyone so well.

I have to admit, I was a little disturbed they were remaking it for a U.S. version. This goes along with my puzzlement as to why they’re remaking “Being Human” in the U.S. for the Sci-Fi channel when there’s a perfectly good version on BBC America. And, if you’re wondering why I didn’t spell “Sci-Fi” the way the network does- SyFy- it’s because I think it’s stupid and I refuse to cater to the need to abbreviate something that was already abbreviated, let alone spell it badly.

I simply don’t get the need to remake British shows. It’s one thing if they take a concept and Americanize it. “The Office,” for example, works brilliantly because while they adopted the concept of a humdrum office with a bad boss from the British version, they didn’t try to take exact same characters, plot and situations. Instead, they took ideas from the original version and made it work for an American audience.

I can’t speak for “Being Human” because I haven’t seen the U.S. version. I have, however, seen the British version and it’s very entertaining. In short, it’s about a werewolf, vampire and ghost who live together in a house in London. Here’s what I don’t understand: If it was a French show or a Japanese one or even one from Sweden, I’d understand the remake. Dubbing is a nuisance and it’s nice to hear actors actually…act in a language that the audience can understand without subtitles.

However, last time I checked, English people…spoke English. Certainly the cast of “Being Human” has British accents but that’s the only difference. So, why the remake? This is exactly how I felt after watching “Skins” on MTV. Truth be told, I turned the pilot off 20 minutes in to the episode. I suppose it’s because I was hoping that like “The Office,” they’d take the concept behind “Skins” and Americanize it.

They didn’t. Instead, they changed the names of some of the characters, turned a gay male character into a gay female character and then pretty much blatantly copied the British version. The acting was, for the most part, absolutely terrible. The dialogue didn’t work because an American boy calling his girlfriend “Nips,” because she has weird nipples is just not the same as when a British boy does it. Also, last time I checked, most high school kids didn’t say, “I’ll ring you up,” or “let’s smoke a spliff.” They do in the UK but not in whatever generic East Coast city they in which the U.S. version of the show was set.

In the UK version, they primarily used amateur actors. The main actor in the first two season was the only ‘famous’ one- he was played by Nicholas Hoult who was in “About a Boy” with Hugh Grant. His Tony was a slick-talking, slightly sociopathic charmer who mostly cared only about himself. Yet you could see why his friends were drawn to him and why he was able to get away with everything. In the U.S. version, the Tony was just…awful. He was stilted and ‘pretty’ and overall bland.

I’m picking. I know it. I shouldn’t pick because I only watched 20 minutes of it. It’s just after realizing it was going to be mostly a copy of the British show, I couldn’t help but think I’d rather go back and watch the original episodes which I enjoyed rather than watch a second rate version on MTV.

What’s interesting is the uproar that the show is causing with parents and, as a result, advertisers. Parents don’t like TV shows where teenagers have sex all the time, smoke pot, swear and drink too much. I get that. As a parent, I probably wouldn’t want my younger teens watching something that glorified a partying type of life style. Yet, for the older kids, I’d like to think that, as a parent, I’d raise them to have their own minds and that they’d be able to watch something like “Skins” and not suddenly feel that their magical peer pressure button was being pushed and thus, they, too, had to suddenly go out and hunt down a joint.

Note to parents: If you think a TV show will influence your child, you might be right. However, it has to have something to work with in the first place. If your kid watches “Skins” and then goes out and gets drunk, I can almost guarantee…it’s not the first time. Sorry but that’s the way it works. I was a teen once. I was a boring teen because I had good parents. The worst thing I ever did was steal a small “River Greenway” sign from a bike post along a walking trail when I was 15 with my friends.

Then, I felt so guilty, I went back and returned it. That’s a true story. Yes, I was pathetic. My friends and I used to go buy a two liter of Mountain Dew and a box of ice-cream sandwiches and then go eat/drink at the park. That was our naughty indulgence. Have I mentioned that I was a pathetic teen? Then again, I didn’t have shows like “Skins” to influence me.

Anyway, long story short, while I understand parents finding the content of “Skins” offensive, there is a thing called a remote control that changes the channel. Also, make sure your kids have enough common sense to not want to replicate the behavior on the show. I’m sure there are surveys that show that overprotective parents end up with more rebellious children than parents who have a little more trust in their kids. Of course, I may have made that up but it seems like common sense to me.

Besides, to me, what’s more offensive is the bad remake of a perfectly good show? Also, I’m offended that MTV found something offensive about the Britishness of the original show and thus felt they had to remake it. What’s so bad about the Brits, huh?

I might be taking that a little personally. I’m also ranting. My apologies.

But I feel better now.

Happy Wednesday!

The Art of Actually Exercising....

This is one of those days where I don't really have anything in mind to blog about. I've decided to not mention snow for a little while as I think I might have done enough of that last week. Also, I think my mother is growing strongly hostile at the mere mention of it and I'd like to appease her for a while since, no matter how hard I try, I can't get her to appreciate the pretty stuff.

So, last night, I got my entry done for the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award. I'm very excited. I'm not excited because I expect to get anywhere though, on a very biased and opinionated note, I think I deserve to make the next round 'cause I like my entry a lot. I'm excited because I was able to meet a deadline and, as a result, I have a cleaner, tighter version of my manuscript and a great query letter to go with it.

I may wait a few days before sending out the query letter though. I like this happy feeling of elation I've got going and instantaneous rejection would definitely put a damper on that.

I have a sneaking suspicion my happy mood may also be a result of exercising. Yes, Captain Monkeypants has been exercising.

You may think...."So"? Let me tell you, it's actually quite an accomplishment for me to make it to the actual exercising part. Here's an example of a thought process that might explain why:

Captain Monkeypants' brain: Hey, I should work out. Yes, that would be good. Then I could get rid of this burgeoning tummy and get some good abs so that I'm not embarrassed to wear a tight shirt or a swimsuit. Great idea! I think I'll do that. But how? Well, I have some exercise videos but they involve jumping and since I have the grace of an elephant and live on the second floor of an apartment building, it might be a bit loud for my downstairs neighbours. Hmm....well, how about that new exercise bike I got so I could start working out while watching TV? Oh! Good idea! But there's nothing on TV at the moment. Yet I have DVD's. What shall I watch? Oh, crap, I still haven't got "Gilmore Girls" season 7 and I just finished re-watching Season 6. Hmm...no Gilmore Girls then. How about "Buffy"? Nah....just watched "Buffy" not long ago. How about a movie? No, 'cause then I'd feel compelled to finish it even when I'm not working out anymore and I had plans to write tonight, no it'd have to be TV on DVD. How about "Veronica Mars"? Oooh! Good idea! Oh, crap, now it's 6 p.m. If I work out for a half hour then shower, it'll be 7 p.m. Then I wanted to watch "House" at 8 p.m. right? And, crap!, after "House" is "24" and that means I won't get to write at all tonight if I work out now. Hmm....maybe I'm right. Maybe I should just work out tomorrow and make sure to start earlier....

And, sadly, this is not an exaggeration. It's very, very easy to talk myself out of exercising. And yes, I am aware that I think way too much about television but, frankly, for me, that's my way of relaxing and since I now have narrowed my viewing down to a mere five hours a week of scheduled programming, I don't think that actually qualifies me as a couch potato, surprisingly enough.

Yet, now, for about four weeks, I have been exercising. I'm now doing between four and six miles on my little bike thingy. It's quite fun. I also do ab exercises though I haven't blown up the giant exercise ball thing I got at a garage sale for $3, brand new. I'm a bit afraid of that ball. I don't have that much room in my apartment and it's a big ball. I'm also afraid that if I try and use the ball, it will lead to painful reminders of my lack of coordination. I always wanted to be coordinated and used to do ballet and gymnastics as a child. However, I fear, even then, I was never terribly coordinated or graceful. I had the enthusiasm just not the gift. Mostly, I'm afraid if I use the big ball, I will try to follow the pictures that came with it, lay on top of it and then have it go rolling across the room, leaving me to splat down onto my bottom, back or whatever body part lands first.

So, you see, for me, exercise isn't really something that comes naturally. Once I start and I get in a routine, it's easy to keep going provided the routine isn't interrupted for more than a day. If I am interrupted by a vacation, event, whatever, I begin to make excuses for why I don't get back into the routine: "I'm too tired," "I did a lot of walking, that's my exercise," "Oh, I'll start again tomorrow," and so on.

However, when I am exercising, I begrudgingly admit that the experts are right, exercise does help physically and mentally. It's those endorphin things. It reminds me of that quote from Legally Blonde: "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands."

Ok, so I don't have a husband nor do I own a gun. The worst that happens when I don't exercise is that I get a bit heavier and I start feeling unhappy about things like my writing. Yet, while I am exercising, I do feel a little more optimistic and upbeat. Now I just have to make sure I stick to it. My record is about six months of steady exercising...then I stop. Wish me luck.

Happy Tuesday.