TV Promo Overkill and an Ode to Nathan Fillion...

So, I watch a lot of TV. This might explain why, in addition to this blog, I also attempt to maintain a TV-related blog. Lately, it's been more of a "Dissecting Grey's Anatomy" blog because that show, formerly one of my favourites, is rapidly going down on my "Top Five Shows to Watch on a Weekly Basis" list.

I don't have cable or satellite. I know I've told you that before so I'm sure it's not a new revelation. I used to not have cable or satellite because I couldn't afford them; nowadays it's by choice. I won't say I don't miss having the endless ability to flip channels. I am a sucker for those travel shows where people eat odd foods like bugs. I watched on the other night at my parent's. It was Jeff Corwin who I believe used to be on Animal Planet after "The Crocodile Hunter." He went to Thailand, travelled throughout the country and ate all kinds of bugs ranging from ants that apparently emit an acid when threatened and that taste rather good in a salad with chilli to cockroaches (or something resembling them) that were deep fried and spicy. Not my sort of snack but I quite enjoy seeing what other people are willing to eat.

I digress. My original point is that I have rabbit ears on my TV and thanks to that "convert to digital television" warning that flashed across every television program for, like, two years, I have a nice little analog-to-digital converter box on both of my tv sets. It makes the picture better even though they've extended the time for people to switch over in case they were unaware they had to. My slight issue with that is that anyone who watches TV currently had to have known about the switch. Aside from the distracting scroll across the screen, each network had handy little commercials with celebrities TELLING people to get a converter box, just in case someone couldn't read. Chances are, if you needed to switch, you'd know about it already. I am aware that there are poorer areas of the U.S. who are a little behind on news like that but, seriously, if they had a television that they had to convert because they watched it regularly, even they'd know that they had to switch. Nevertheless, I have a better picture now even if I do get digital static rather than analog.

I digress. Again. So, due to my lack of cable, I watch a lot of network TV. It has come to my attention that the Networks are killing their own new shows by advertising them too much. For example, I watch Lost on a weekly basis. During each episode (including the nifty "Pop-up Lost" that plays before each new episode), ABC has decided to promote their new show Castle. Castle is a show staring the fantastic Nathan Fillion and the lady who played Nina on 24 and tried to kill Jack Bauer. This makes her my enemy.

However, the first few times I saw the preview, I thought it looked like a lot of fun. The premise is that Nathan Fillion plays a bestselling mystery writer. Nina-from-24 plays a detective. Nathan wants to base a character on her so he shadows her. He's a womanizing smooth-tongued playboy, she's a no-nonsense cop. It's not the most original premise but, well, it has Nathan Fillion in it. If you are unawre of Nathan Fillion's brilliance then you clearly haven't seen Firefly or the big screen sequel "Serenity". You must not have seen him play the evil preacher who almost killed Buffy the Vampire Slayer. You also must have missed Dr. Horrible's Sing-along-Blog which is, in my opinion, bloody brilliant. It's a musical by Joss Whedon (creator of Buffy and much other brilliance). Fillion plays Captain Hammer. He has a line "The hammer is my penis." He's a ham, he's a used-car-salesman but he has that naughty charm that makes you just adore him.

However, I have now seen the preview so many times that I feel like I might have seen the entire first episode. I no longer think it looks like a more relaxed version of Bones, only funnier. I'm fed up with it and the show doesn't even air the first episode until Monday. Fox has also done this with their shows in the past though not so much with the new Joss Whedon show Dollhouse which NEEDS promoting because Fox has put it in the exact same time slot that killed Firefly a few years back. NBC...same thing. I know they have to promote their shows but they could cut back a little. It's really not just the major networks, either. When I watch BBC America at my parents, they promote their new shows to death. I think there is such a thing as overkill.

You may wonder why I didn't post this in my TV blog. Well, I did have a reason though I've digressed from it. There is one good thing I saw in the Castle promos. There's a scene where Nina-from-24 and her team of police are wearing those bulletproof vests that say "POLICE" in large letters. Nathan Fillion's character isn't a policeman but he's wearing one anyway only his says "Writer." I thought that was hilarious and, instantly, I wanted one. I think it would be not only a silly fun thing to own but I think it would be a great symbol. It could be my 'rejectionproof vest', one that would save me from feeling so hopeless and despondant when I get the toughest rejections. When I saw it, I was having my weekly Lost viewing party with my friend. She wants a Dharma Initiative jumpsuit like the ones they sell on Lost. And yes, those are available in ABC.com's Lost store. We made a deal, if I get that vest, she gets the jumpsuit and we wear them to work. That would be cool. And silly. But still rather cool.

Seriously though, I loved that vest in spite of the fact that I'm sick to death of Castle already. I think it would be a great thing to own. It probably wouldn't look as good on me as it does on Nathan Fillion but I don't think that would matter.

Sorry to ramble again but it's that kind of week. At least it's not about panda bears again. Thanks for reading.

Happy Thursday.

ABNA: Oh, the Drama!

So, being the middle of the week, I have nothing specific in my mind to blog about again. I suppose I should plan these things a little better but, at the same time, the randomness of just writing is actually quite fun. Thus, as long as you don't mind, I'll continue to muse about whatever strikes me.

Not too much is going on with me at the moment which is probably for the best. I did get one more rejection since the crippling one from last week but the generic language was actually a comfort when I compared it to the specific critique/criticism from the previous rejection. In a little under two weeks, the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award (ABNA) will move onto the next stage and up to 9,500 of us will be rejected. I'm trying to be an optimist and hope that I did, at least, make it to the top 2,000 contestants. This year, the quarterfinalists aren't notified the way they were last year; Amazon won't notify anyone until the top 500 semi-finalists have been selected. If we made the first cut, we'll have access to our message box or something on Createspace, the print-on-demand company that co-sponsors the contest. I'd like to make that cut at least but having read a few of the excerpts, this year there are a lot of good writers in there and there's a lot of competiton.

However, even if I don't make it through, it's been an interesting experience this year just lurking and occasionally posting in the forums. Over the past week, it has been a little less civilized and a little more "America's Next Top Writer". For anyone who's never watched "America's Next Top Model" or the UK version, the show takes twelve somewhat plain girls and turns them into Tyra Banks' version of supermodels. In the beginning, the contestants get along, sweetly attempting to be friends and playing nice for the cameras. There is always one girl who doesn't want to play nice with others because she's "In it to win it!" As the show progresses and the number of models gets narrowed down after a weekly elimination, the true colours of the girls start coming out. I know it's all made far more dramatic for the camera but, trust me, you cannot put a bunch of competitive girls in a house and expect them to play nice forever. I've had roommates, good ones and bad ones. No matter how much you love them, you will fight.

The Amazon Breakthough Novel Award message boards (or forums, whichever term you prefer) have started to deteriorate into catfights. I must confess, it's actually quite interesting to lurk. After all, these are writers and the way they fight/verbally spar/insult each other is always rather clever. It makes for good reading.

I'm not sure I know exactly what happened on the boards but I've managed to figure out that someone posted about the cliques on the board. I must confess, I, too, have been board to tears with these cliques. I won't name names but there's a group of about 10-15 posters who know each other from last year. I admire their camraderie but it gets to be rather obnoxious. For example, I posted in a forum that was discussing the hard process of getting published and how it sometimes makes you doubt yourself. It was a good discussion. Then one of the 'clique' joined in and it became a series of about 30 posts where they were all going to get "Nekkid" with one another. I'm sure it was hilarious but it pretty much ended the discussion. I've seen it happen on countless other forums. I'm not jealous of the camraderie but part of me wishes they'd just stick to the countless discussion threads they've created that are inside jokes to the clique and stay off the serious discussion unless they have something of value to say.

The clique isn't unwelcoming but they are hard to interrupt. Once the group starts a series of 'sillyness' in the thread, the thread loses its luster and few people get to contribute. There are some brave souls who push through but I can't be bothered. Now I just scan the thread headings, see if there's anything of interest and leave.

Back to the drama of the forums. After this initial discussion of the clique, it started to get a little bitter. Sides were defined. The side that favoured the "cliques" and the side that was anti-clique. Needless to say, it got a little heated. It was almost a war. I haven't looked this morning but it was still going on last night. Writers can be rather sarcastic. They can be rather mean. Several regular posters have attempted to make peace, to start new discussions that are not snarky exchanges about secret identities and what-not. Unfortunately, these discussions are being replaced by flaming posts that are the equivalent of using rocket-launchers during hand-to-hand combat. I'm all for freedom of speech but I think maybe it would be good to have a moderator on the boards once in a while, not a just kindly poster whose peacemaking attempts are flattened by by a train of defensive attempts to state 'the truth'.

However, from an outsider's point of view, it's the literary equivelent of watching the Jerry Springer show only with far better grammer and less chairs being thrown. Though given some of the barbs I've read, these are the verbal equivelent of chairs being thrown.

I admire the creativity I'm seeing here. I can't help but wonder if it could possibly be channeled into something a little more useful like, say, a new novel but, at the same time, people are getting a little antsy about the upcoming eliminations and this is the manifestation of their stress. As a lurker, I'm not going to choose sides but I will say it's not black and white. I do find it fascinating that the proxy ringleader of the 'anti-clique' side is making such a huge deal about his identity. He/she goes by the name R.E.Cluse and is adamant that he wants anonymity. It's started a guessing game as to whether this R.E.Cluse is actually someone well known. Personally, I think he/she is just another hopeful like us, a decent writer but someone who is loving the attention and the chance to grandstand in the forums. He/she even posted an excert for everyone to read about someone who's having a bad experience in an online forum. It's decently written but it's a little too personal. As writers, it's extremely tempting to want to eviscerate our enemies, those who've wronged us in fiction. Creating thinly veiled characters based on these people is easy and it's therapeutic. However, after you do it, a few months later, you feel guilty or the piece has lost its meaning. The heat of the moment is good for writing but it shouldn't be something so personal that it can hurt someone. I prefer to use that kind of energy and passion to create something new, something unrelated to that which has riled me up. Angry writing can be the best writing of all but there's a fine line between literary therapy and slander.

I don't have a clue what will happen on March 16th. If I get the elusive email that says I've made it through, I'll be ecstatic. And, if not, I'm going to treat it as an experience. After all, I have written enough novels that I could actually choose which to submit. I suppose I was brave enough to put my work out there. These are things to be excited about.

Regardless of what type of email I do get, I will say thank you to all the other entrants for keeping me entertained on the forums. While some of you are a little scary, you're also providing entertainment which, as writers, you're supposed to do. You writing is getting out there, people are reading it though I think, perhaps, it might not be what you had in mind. Nevertheless, I say Fight on, people. Fight on!

Happy Wednesday

Papercuts, Music and Pandas, oh my...

I learned something important already this morning, something I'm going to share with you. Here it is: If you have a paper cut between your fingers, using antibacterial hand sanitizer hurts a lot. In fact for about 20 seconds, it sort of feels like your fingers are going to fall off.

You're welcome.

So starts my Tuesday morning. It's a cold one again. Last week, our nights were somewhat mild- about 33 degrees. I had this enormous down comforter on my bed. It's the type that rustles when you move it, one you can wrap around you so that it moulds to your body. It's very warm. So warm that I ended up sleeping on top of it one night, using my fuzzy panda blanket instead. So, this weekend I changed my bedding and put some lighter covers on. Naturally, it got really cold again. My fuzzy panda blanket comes in rather useful as an extra layer of warmth.

Just for the record, the fuzzy panda blanket was a gift. It's one of those giant ones you see people selling at flea markets and things. There were no monkey blankets available otherwise I'm sure I'd have that instead. However, I do enjoy my pandas. It's misleadingly thin; you can snuggle up in it and it provides as much warmth as a real live panda.

Not that I've been that close to a real live panda. Though I do vaguely remember seeing them at the London Zoo as a child. I was so excited to be going to zoo the night before, I remember not sleeping. That was a mistake. London Zoo is very hilly and for a little kid like me, it's an awful lot of walking. I think by the time I got to the pandas, I was so tired that I did the equivalent of "yay, pandas" only, you know, the little kid version which was probably more like "great. Can we eat now?" However, I have seen the baby panda sneeze video on youtube.com a few times to which I have provided a handy link so you, too, can see the adorableness of a baby panda sneezing. Also, I have seen "Kung Fu Panda" which I thoroughly enjoyed because Jack Black as a tubby panda ninja is just funny.

So, you wonder, why am I rambling about pandas? Well, the answer is....I have no idea. As usual, I had no thoughts about what to blog about today so I'm just going with the rambly incontinence that is leaking from my brain. I did consider blogging about morning radio shows and why it's so hard to find a balance between dry humour and bathroom humour. I've only found one show that's ever done that, the Kevin and Bean show on KROQ (106.7) in Los Angeles. Oh, how I miss my Kevin and Bean. The local Cincinnati rock station is very subpar. The station is 96 Rock and the morning hosts are terrible. They think they're funny which I believe might be the problem. Whereas Kevin and Bean were a little sexist, Gamble and Fin in the mornings on 96Rock are downright misogynistic. They also think nothing is funnier than talking about the cracks in their bottom or how fat people should not be allowed to live. Of course, given that Tom Gamble admits to being overweight, this is slightly hypocritical, obviously. Now, Kevin and Bean also make fun of overweight people but somehow they manage not to sound cruel, just, rather that they're both complete jerks and they know it. There's a difference. They have no superiority complex the way so many morning radio show hosts do. They're willing to bash themselves and mock one another in a way that is familiar and comfortable.

I never did get why so many radio hosts are so mean. I once had an email war with a DJ from 98.9 The Bear in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Now I look back, it was a little ridiculous but it was fun and it proved to me that some people are just too ignorant to be allowed a public forum. He was supposed to give away Green Day tickets to a concert in Indianapolis. Rather than promoting the band as he was supposed to, he basically told anyone who won the tickets something along the lines that they were idiots and slightly unpatriotic. Now, if you've ever listened to the album "American Idiot" by Green Day, you would know that it has nothing to do with being unpatriotic. Yes, the title song was a dig at the former Bush administration but it was a political statement, not a command to burn the flag. So, I emailed him and told him that I thought he probably should read the lyrics before he made such an ignorant statement. He didn't like that and eventually resorted to calling me a California Tree Hugger. I have to admit, it was fun. I still can't listen to his show when I visit my parents in Fort Wayne because he's one of those sexist pigs who doesn't seem to understand that people with a brain find him offensive.

However, while I usually don't care for the DJ's, I do like to listen to new music on the radio. You never know when you'll find a song that changes your life just a little. I do think music can do that; the right song can mean so much, it can inspire you, add a soundtrack to your life. I haven't found a station here that suits me yet but I do have my iPod, the new one that works well, not the old one that started to have a mind of its own. I'm looking into satellite radio but I'm actually not sure how it works. If I put it in my car and subscribe, can I get it in my apartment too? I'm clueless about it. I'm sure a little research would be beneficial but if anyone knows, it'd save me a teensy bit of time.

However, I'm now officially rambling. I can tell this is going to be an odd day. Our company is officially sold as of midnight so though I will come into the same office, do almost the exact same job, I will be working for someone else. At this point in time, provided that the someone else gives me a paycheck, I say bring it on. I'm a simple creature, most of the time.

On that note, I shall stop my ramblings. I will tell you that as an addendum to the paper cut advice I gave you above, try not to get papercuts at all. They hurt. Just thought I'd share that information with you even if it is rather obvious. Sometimes a reminder doesn't hurt.

Happy Tuesday.

Monday Musings...

It is a universal truth that few people enjoy Monday mornings. At least, I'm sure it is. I did make that up though. I'm not a fan myself. No matter how nice the weekend was, I greedily want it to last just a day longer.

Today, it's a chilly Monday morning. The temperature gauge on my car is hanging around 13 degrees farenheit. Needless to say, it's a wee bit nippy. The sun is shining though which means it'll look warm, even if it feels like the inside of a meat locker. However, compared to my friends in the Northeast who appear to be have hit with a massive winter storm, I won't complain. We've had a few of those and while I'm enamored with almost every flake of snow that falls, it's also nice to have the promise of spring creeping up slowly.

I went to visit my parents this weekend which was a nice treat. Due to the trials and tribulations that I experienced with the DMV, I've been unable to drive for fear of getting arrested. So it was nice to head home for the weekend. I wanted it to be one of those relaxing weekends where I can nurse my battered ego and feel refreshed. It didn't start quite as relaxingly as I'd planned; I left work a little early only to get an urgent text about 30 minutes into my drive telling me to call in for a staff meeting. So I get to spend the rest of my 2 hour drive listening to a meeting on the phone. It was interesting and all and I really am glad I heard the information but I had planned on listening to a playlist on my iPod I'd burned. Being at work, even virtually, when driving, is not a good way to unwind.

Still, I can't complain. The rest of my weekend was exactly what I needed though. Sometimes all it takes is a few hours of just being with my mum. Sometimes it's just a trip to Walmart, sometimes we actually do other stuff. This weekend, we went wandering around a big antique shop. It's one of those converted house-type places where there are a ton of nooks and crannies, all of them full of stuff. It's fun to imagine the history behind some of the things you see. For example, there was an old photo album handwritten with the date "1891". It was during the time period when photographs were always posed and shot by professional photographers so rather than a captured moments, slices of life, each photo was a portrait. It was amazing to see, to wonder who those people were, where they went, who the babies became and how, exactly the photo album came to be in this antique mall. I love looking at things like that. Some of the antiques baffle me; there are old spice tins that are the same as the ones you buy in the store today, old hats that are so motheaten they're almost moving. Yet for each piece of junk, there's a treasure. I never buy anything but it's fun to look.

So, by the time I left on Sunday, I felt significantly less blue and downcast about the harsh rejection I received and a little better about life. Every time I get rejected, I tell myself that the next time, it won't bother me, that just because the rejector doesn't get my writing, doesn't mean it's bad. Yet...every time, I'm thrown into that dizzying spiral of self-doubt. I'm going to try, once more, to ignore the rejection, to concentrate on the feeling I get when I am writing. I'm going to try to write without thinking of needing an agent, without thinking of who might publish my story and when it would happen. I'm just going to write because that's all I can do.

In the meantime, I just want to say thank you to all my readers who believe in me, who've made me realize that I can't not write. It is who I am, for better or for worse and I will keep writing, even if it turns out to be utter crap. I'm going to look forward, not look back at the road paved with rejection and think that somewhere, along the road that lies ahead, there's a success story just waiting for me.

Happy Monday.

A Dark and Stormy Night...

I am so ridiculously glad it's Friday. It's been a long and strange week, one that I'm actually glad is going to be over. It started cold with snow and ice covering the ground and has ended almost springlike, warm temperatures taking me by the surprise.

I love the seasons. As I've said before, it's one of the reasons I'm happy to be back in the Midwest. Southern California has its beauty and if you like sunshine, it's a great place to live. Yet, if you're like me and you enjoy changing temperatures, vast differences in weather from day to day, it can get old really fast.

Not that Los Angeles doesn't have some weather. This is the time of year when the rains come and the city is drowning under heavy torrents. The streets flood, the water rushing with a furious current to the storm drains. Days like that remind me of Stephen King's novel/mini-series It ; I always half expected Pennywise the Clown to be peeking back at me from the grates under the street curbs. It's probably better that he doesn't. While I enjoy my active imagination and picturing Mr. Pennywise the Creepy Clown, actually seeing him would either completely terrify me or, instead, confirm that I am actually crazy instead of being a slight suspicion in the back of my mind. As you can imagine, neither alternative would be a good thing.

We had thunderstorms last night with the type of lashing rain that beats against the windows so hard that you feel like they're going to shatter. The wind howled through the tiny cracks between window and frame and the thunder rumbled in the distance. It was the type of night that made me glad to be inside yet a small part of me wondered how it would feel to be out in the night, the wind whipping my hair, the rain pelting me and soaking my face. The best part of being out in it is coming in. I love the feeling of changing out of wet clothes into try ones; clothes never quite feel as good as that moment unless they're coming straight from the clothes dryer. To me, that is a small slice of heaven.

I lay awake for a lot of the night. I had a lot on my mind which is probably why I woke up in the first place. Unfortunately, my upstairs neighbours- they whom have disturbed my peace before- were apparently having quite a raucous videogame party. Right above my room. They like to celebrate when they beat each other at the game up there. Trust me, I heard every word. Because I was in that mental place where I wasn't asleep yet wasn't fully coherant and awake, I didn't really know what to do. Trying to be fair, it's not their fault that the walls and ceilings of our apartment complex are thin. They really weren't being that loud but, because they were right above my head, I could still hear them. Of course, one might wonder why, at 4:30 a.m., they're STILL playing videogames but not everyone works 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. like me so maybe they don't get that some people do tend to sleep during the night.

The nice part about the storm was that it was a little noise blocker. The rain fell so heavily and the wind blew so furiously that it drowned them out and, eventually, lulled me back to sleep. I look forward to spring and summer because that's when the truly spectacular storms arrive. The only part that is a little worrying is the fear of tornandos. We have no basement in my building. I'm not quite sure where to go if we do have a tornado. Yet there's no point in worrying about that until it's time.

I'm glad it's the weekend. I'm going to visit my family which is always a good way to relax. I'm hoping to get a little more of my optimism back, to back up a little and not let the jading burn of rejection get to me so much. It should be about the love of writing more than the appreciation of it. I need to remember that because that's why I started writing in the first place. Hopefully next week, my spirits will be renewed and my positivity will return. Thanks, as always for reading.

Have a great weekend.

Drowning in the Undertow of Rejection....

So, last week, I promised that I'd be more more positive this week. Unfortunately, given that my DMV rants aren't exactly a beacon of positive energy, I think I may have been a bit premature in my promise. Especially as today, I have a feeling I might be a little less than positive.

I got a rejection last night. When I saw it in my email box, it didn't phase me because though I knew it was rejection, I'd honestly forgotten I'd even submitted to the publication and thus, clearly didn't hold much stock in it.

Then I opened it. It was for a literary magazine that has a rather nice policy of having several reviewers read submissions, supposedly 'blindly' and then when you get rejected/accepted, you get to see their comments. I've never had this before. I had entered a short story of which I was proud. It was more literary than my usual efforts. Granted, it hadn't taken me too long to write but then, my best stuff never does.

The first comment was overwhelmingly positive. The rest...well, let's just say that by the time I was done reading, I wanted to cry. I know it's all supposed to be constructive criticism but it wasn't constructive at all. It made me feel like a complete amateur, as though I didn't know what I was doing. It picked on my writing, said it was stiff, that my word choices didn't suit the reviewer, that they thought the subject was silly. The piece I was written was supposed to be slightly quirky, slightly poignant, slightly wistful. Apparently, it was none of these things. The things that were criticized were intentional. I was told "It was too ethereal, too dreamy, too much in the character's head". Well, oddly enough, the piece was a story about a man in a coma and the odd places his mind took him, places connected with his life. It was actually based on a friend's memories from a three-week coma in which she had been trapped. By the time I was done reading the comments, I felt as though I'd been beaten, bruised with the might of a thousand critical words.

The problem with getting emails like this is I think about them too much. They force me to take stock of my life and that's not such a pretty thing when I think about my writing. I've written novels. I've written short stories. I haven't had any luck getting anything published. I get rejection after rejection. The people who read my stuff like it but they're usually people I know, people who's opinions I value until I step back and think too hard about it and then I start wondering if they feel obligated to be nice about my writing.

In truth, I'm feeling a little like a failure again. I know it shouldn't matter. I've said before in my blog that I love to write. I do. That counts for something, I know. Yet I have this horrid fear that like one of those kids who audition for American Idol, kids who've been told their whole lives by their loved ones that they should be a professional singer. Yet, when they get their chance, they reveal that they're actually terrible, that they have no talent at all.

It's crushing. I don't have much to show for my writing career except a few finished products, a couple of articles published in an online magazine and a stack of rejection letters. The best use of my writing is for academic papers for friends. They give me an outline, I turn it into a paper. That's the extent of my whole writing existence.

I want it to be so much more. I've always said before that I'll appreciate it more when I do have success but the whole process is so brutal that I'm beginning to wonder if I'll be able to make it to that point. Apparently what I think is good writing isn't, it's merely mediocre. It's times like this when I feel that my grip on my dream of being a published writer is precarious at best. I'm not fond of clichés , but I'm forced to think of the one of the tree falling in the forest and nobody hearing it; does it still make a sound? As a writer, if I write a novel and nobody reads it, am I still a writer or just someone who puts words on a page?

So much for being more positive. I apologize profusely for being a huge downer. Yet part of the reason I started this blog was to deal with the ups and downs of trying to be a writer. Today, it's a down, one that's so low that I'm wondering how I'll get back out of it. I know criticism is supposed to help but it stings. Eventually I'll probably be able to read it and learn from it. For now, I'm not at the point. In all honesty, the process is beating me down and I can't seem to find that passion for writing that usually floods through me. It's drowning in a pool of negativity.

I have to get out of it but I'm not quite sure how. I can't keep asking my friends and family to be my pep squad; I've already had a couple of friends hint that maybe if it's this hard, I should give up which never helps my fragile self-esteem because then I start to believe that they secretely think I'm a bad writer and they've only been supporting me because they feel like they have to. It's a downward spiral. I keep waiting for something to grab onto, something to give me a little hope but everytime I put myself out there, I just end up spiraling even further down. Does there get to a point in which you've hit rock bottom and there's no way up, that I just have to accept that I'm deluding myself?

I don't know. I don't want to think that. I think if I did, I probably wouldn't be trying to rationalize it in a blog, a place where I am, in fact, still writing. I'm going to try to keep going because, in all honesty, I'm not sure what else to do.

Then I remember that I have this quote from a calendar pinned to my message board and I pinned it up for times like these. It goes:

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that say's I'll try again tomorrow." - Mary Anne Radmacher.

When I read this quote, I tell myself that what I'm doing is really courageous, that by constantly trying, I'm still accomplishing something. As long as I remind myself to try again tomorrow, I haven't given up, that tomorrow, I'll find that glow that a good day of writing gives me because I do believe it's still inside me, no matter how many rejections try to kill it.

I will try again tomorrow because that's all I can do.

Happy Thursday.

In Which I Truly Examine the Contents of my Email Inbox...

Today is one of those days where I have nothing in my mind about which to blog. Which means this will be one of my more random posts. My profuse apologies.

I had in mind that I was going to blog about books but, instead, I think that my email inbox might be able to provide a little more entertainment. I do think, based on the emails that arrived in my box overnight, my life could become significantly more interesting.

For example, I have several emails telling me that I can "Legally Erase My Debt!" I think that would be rather spiffy, actually. Like most thirty-somethings, I have some debt. Unfortunately, mine is still from my undergrad college. When I took out my loans, they promised me that I'd be done paying them off in ten years. Unfortunately, more than ten years later and I still have rather a lot to pay off even though I've never missed a payment. Interest is a horrible thing. This, I have learned. However, if I learn to legally erase my debt, perhaps I can pass it along to Obama and he can use it on a grander scale. You never quite know. But then, a little further down in my inbox, I have an email telling me to 'consolidate my debt'. Yes, but I'm going to Legally Erase My Debt! Why would I want to consolidate it? Some of these emails are awfully contradicting.

I also had an email asking if I was "Job Less". Yes, not jobless but Job Less. I'm wondering if they're asking if my job is less than it used to be, perhaps I've been downsized and I'm looking for more responsibility. Personally, I don't think that's going to catch on because most people are always looking for less job responsibility with more money. Fortunately, if I feel like I am Job Less, I can earn $1680 weekly TipingAt Home. I'm thinking they might need new typers actually because the ones they have don't seem to be able to spell typing nor use the space bar.

I think I was most excited when I saw an email from "Mrs. Susan Shabagu". Now, I have no idea who Mrs. Susan Shabagu is but she sounds rather interesting, someone who could become Jack Bauer's nemesis on 24. Because I was so intrigued, I actually opened her email. (Never fear, I'm the queen of virus protection). How intriguing! Mrs. Shabagu is the deputy of safety and security under the auspices of the president of South Africa! She's also a mother of three which she tells me before she tells me her title. What a consciencious mother! She even consulted them before contacting me! Hey, she wants to pay me $6,100,000,000 to look after her money. WOW! MY PROBLEMS ARE SOLVED. I'm going to be rich!

I suppose it is a little suspicious that she has to get the money out of South Africa so quickly. I mean, isn't she the Deputy Minister of Safety and Security? She seems to be afraid that if the money is discovered all of her assets will be seized and her life will be in danger. Seems to me she should have some pull with the government there. Of course, maybe I should just trust her. She gave me her email address and everything. Of course, she didn't say why she picked me to save her money. I mean, I know I should just be thrilled that I'm going to be $6 million richer but I must know, why did she choose me? I couldn't even get any one to pick me for dodgeball teams in high school and now this nice lady, mother of three, wants to give me $6 million?

I think I might have to pass on that one. I'm just a little too....suspicious, I'm afraid. Not that I couldn't use $6 million but...well....not for me.

The contents of my email box are a little alarming. I also have one that says SHAMWOW! I must admit, I'm intrigued at what to what my SHAMWOW is referring but I'm not going to open that one. I think I might start using that as my new catchphrase. "SHAMWOW, will you look at the size of that building!" "SHAMWOW! someone wants to give me six million dollars!".

I could go on all day. I have my junk mail filters set up and this is still what I get on a daily basis. I'm not even including all the miracle weight loss drugs that Oprah apparently is recommending, the free plasma TVs I'm being offered and the sheer volume of gift cards I could be getting just for completing short surveys. What I want to know is does anyone actually respond to these emails? Are people actually getting paid to send them? Aside from entertainment value, I can't imagine anyone wanting to read this junk. It's like getting those credit card offers in the mail. Even though they're meant to be enticing with their "Special offer, just for you!" smarm, I still tear them in half and dump them in the bin.

I do like to occasionally check some of the phishing emails though. I'm always amazed at how clever the phishers can be, particularly the ones asking for my Paypal information. They're always false but I do enjoy seeing how authentic the dummy 'password entry' site can look. These are the emails that are scary because they seem to be from a trustworthy source. There are far less suspicious people out there than me who might think that Paypal really does need to validate their banking source or they need to enter their social security number because 'their credit report had been updated'. Those are the bad spammers, the ones with ill intent. While I resent the male erectile dysfunction drugs taking up my inbox, they are mostly harmless. The Susan Shabagu's of the word are a little more malicious, preying on vulnerable people who really do believe in the kindness of strangers.

Still, on a daily basis, all of these emails pour in, mostly to my junkbox. Yet still they come, soiling the internet like litter that needs to be cleaned up and shouldn't have been there in the first place. No matter how much I ignore them, still they come. It's my fault- for every box in which I enter my email address, there's a little army of spies, watching, stealing the list, using it to try too sell me Acai miracle cures, As Seen on TV Snuggie blankets, ways to lose 10 pounds overnight. I'd love to believe in these things because a world in which it was easy to legally erase debt, lose ten pounds overnight and look ten years younger at the same time would be a fun world indeed. Sometimes, it's tough to be a cynic.

Thanks for reading. Happy Wednesday.